Friday, July 17, 2009

A Slap In The Face

I thought of a funny story while driving home yesterday! My mind has the most wonderful I will share how I got there.

I had to stop at Walmart on the way home. I hate this particular Walmart and was thinking about the scary people that sometimes make googly eyes at me. That made me think of the military boys from the base down the road, and I was thinking about what if they made a mean comment about a fat comment. What would I do? I thought that if they did (this has never happened to me, but I was playing "what-ifs") if they said something mean to me I would take a picture of their face with my cell phone. When they would ask me why, I would say "So you can remember what your nose looked like before"...and they would say "before what?" And I would say "Before this..." and I would punch the mean boy in his nose and break it.

ANYWOOOO, this imaginary story got me thinking of the 2 times I have been involved in a fight...once was in 9th grade when this girl was talking smack on me and I punched her. The other time was in 8th grade and I was at a party. There was this horrible nasty bully there who was a super slut. She hated me bc...well...cuz I was me I guess. I was sitting on a table, being cool, listening to the song Informer by Snow (do you remember him?) and she told me I should go on weight watchers.

I told her she should go on ho-watchers. I thought this was so clever and was laughing when a bright light reverberated inside my brain and out my eye sockets. When I could see again I realized she has slapped me. I kept laughing. She left.

I have never been in a fight in my adult life but in my mind I am a legend and am pretty sure I could take a bi*&^. No hair pulling either. I have seen Million Dollar Baby. I teach self defense at work. But at the end of the day...I am a lover not a fighter and would probably just come back with some witty comment and then go and cry in the bathroom.



  1. LOL I know just which Wal-mart you are talking about. I hate the one on Mobile Hwy with a passion tho.

  2. one time i slapped one of my good friends because she was talking smack about another good friend of mine. i don't think i have ever felt so strange in my life!

    love the ramblings. thanks for that "TGIF lol" - i needed it.

  3. You still crack me up. I love your ramblings and wayward thoughts. I'm a hugger, not a fighter, but I know how to play dirty too and sometimes that's worse. Ho-watchers...hehehee..I"m still laughing!

  4. lol Ho watchers.. very good comeback..shame the silly cow didn't see the funny side. What a biatch for slapping you!

  5. You know, it still is striking me as funny how similar some of our experiences have been over the years. When I was in the 5th grade, there was this girl named Priscilla who hated me and would follow me as I walked home, flanked by a couple of her friends. She tore at my clothes and kicked my feet when I walked, even though I tried to ignore her. When I finally asked what her problem was, she said, "You think you're better than me, don't you?" I remember eking out something to the effect that I didn't really think of her at all and she punched me square in the face. "I bet you think you're so smart too," she continued and I was so naive to violence I just said "Yes," that I was because I was in G.A.T.E. (Gifted & Talented Education, for the high test scorers) and she was in the portable and everyone knew the portables were for the kids who were behind in their grades.

    My mom reported her to the school and she left me alone. I had a couple more incidences in high school (I laugh over the "Informer" song because my friends Dawn & Eddie - a couple - argued over the lyrics, so just to prove him wrong, she recorded the video one day and slowly went frame by frame to write down the exact words, her small victory, I guess), mainly similar in vibe to Priscilla, asking if I thought I was better than them or smarter or that I was stuck up. Of course I told them I was smarter than them. Because I was. Ha.

    The only time I really came to blows with girls was when our group of girlfriends senior year of high school were shopping in the mall and Dawn (who was built like a naturally born Playboy bunny) got the attention of some guys and their girlfriends started talking shit to her and my friend Alison, a person who NEVER would speak ill of anyone, so we ended up getting ugly in the middle of the mall. Later, without thinking about it, the guys were talking about me being a good fighter because (I kinda blanked when it happened, so I don't remember too much of it) I used my "size against the chick." Apparently, once I got her knocked down, I sat on her chest and punched at her face while she tried to cover it with her hands.

    I didn't think about it, but they were actually complimenting my fighting "style" and all my mind heard was that I used my fatness (again, I was about 155 pounds then) against the chick. It made sense that I did this, since growing up, when I would wrestle with my cousin, he'd sit on me and pin down my arms with his knees and knock on my breast bone really hard until I screamed uncle.

    Another rambling comment! LOL...