Friday, July 17, 2009

Deep Thoughts By Amy Handey #3

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face"
-The Real Jack Handey

Today I have been thinking about reflections. I was recently looking through some of my albums on Facebook and stumbled across a picture taken at Thunderbeach. I posted it here on my blog as well.

When I posted this I am guessing I was about 40 pounds down. I also thought I looked pretty good! Now I see this and say holy slug bucket! I start to pick at different belly, by pants being too big. But at the time...I thought I was pretty hot! I didnt pick myself apart. As you all know, I post pictures of myself on here in various states of undress...from bikini, swimsuits, workout clothes, etc. When I am in the moment, I feel pretty good about myself. Do you think this is some sort of self protective mechanism? I don't untag myself in pictures on Facebook. I guess I figure if someone took the picture of me...they already know what I really look like! Now if I was buck naked riding a saw horse while knitting...I MAY untag myself...but I would have to think real hard about that!

I have always loved having my picture taken. Perhaps the case of denial I had/have is one of the many things that let me get to 327.

Everything is relative. When I think about me starting at 327...(148 kg) when I was there I didnt feel huge. Fat yes, a big whale...not really. Odd. But that leads me to picking a goal weight and how I feel about BMI's.

My doc didnt set a goal weight for me. Never discussed it. I just picked 170 out of thin air bc it sounded far enough away from 200. I have only ever been as small as 209 in my adult life, and I liked my body at that weight. Not at the time of course, but looking at pictures now it wasnt bad. That is a size 18 for me...close to a size 16. So I picked 170 thinking that maybe it is a size 12/14. I want to be out of plus sizes. I want to feel healthy. I want a "nice" body and for me that can include some cushion, just not rolls.

To be out of the overweight category according to a BMI scale, I have to weigh about 135. I can't imagine that ever happening. I don't care if it really does. For me, my BMI number is a sad representation of me. It takes in no account of my muscle to fat ratio. I had to google the scale since some many peeps are talking about it lately.

What I am trying to get at...I can't imagine myself 170. I can't imagine myself "normal", or thin. I keep waiting for the weight loss to stop for good. For those of you who have always been "fluffy", can you really picture yourself not fat?

Just my deep thoughts for the week! Love you guys!


  1. I totally feel you. When I look at myself I STILL see that size 22-24 even right now. I am down to a size 14 and when people comment about how much smaller I've gotten I always make a dumb comment like "really? you think I'm smaller?" I have to go and look at a picture of myself to see it. Right now my goal is between 165-175...personally I dont see me getting that small because it seems like my body likes this size right now but who knows...I'm gonna keep chugging along to see what happens. I have to get to 155 before I get out of the "overweight" category on the bmi scale...yeah right! that'll never happen nor would I want it to.

  2. Completely understand, and nope - can't picture myself fat. But then again, I never really thought I was fat to begin with - I always knew I was the big girl in every group, but self-confidence wise I didn't down myself for it. All that being said, not only can I not imagine myself in "normal" size, it scares me. And sometimes I think I self-sabotauge to avoid knowing what that means. But for the first time, I'm refusing to allow it because I deserve it. And so do you. And I'll be THRILLED to be in the overweight category. Anyday... And yes, to the prior post I have NO DOUBT you could cream anyone out there!!! ;-)

  3. Wow, I was just thinking that I have that same self protective mechanism. I think I have it right now because I am feeling damn good on the inside and think wow Ive lost almost 40 pds. and getting comments. But I still have a ways to go. I look at pictures from 20 pds. down too thought I looked good. Hmmm... wierdest thing.
    You have such a way of articulating what I feel and express it so it all makes sense or makes you think. Thanks for be so damn funny too! Love your blog and YOU do look beautiful and so photogenic! Have a great day. (By the way my son sees your blog and says "It's a party" so cute:))))) Life is a party isn't it?

  4. I still wear my 22s because I don't feel like I can buy the 18s that fit... even though I know they do. The 22s hang off me but I still can't wrap my brain around buying smaller.

    I've been overweight my whole life. I remember weighing 175 in the summer before 6th grade and things just escalated after that, rapidly. In my adult life, I have never weighed less than 200 lbs... probably more like 250 as an average adult weight. Pretty terrible. I can't imagine being 170. I kinda gave myself that same goal weight thinking it sounded alright... docs never gave me a goal weight either.

    Can't imagine being under 200 but I can smell it I'm so close these days... I want it bad. I doubt I'll think of myself as less than 200 for a LONG while though. Funny how our brains work...

  5. Hi...I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your blog. You always make me laugh and I relate so much to what you have to say.

    Just today I was going around asking my family if I stopped at this weight it would be alright, right??? Isn't that pathetic. My reasoning was that it is a whole hell of a lot better than 63 pounds ago. Anytime I struggle, I think....'okay Jamie, this is it. This is as far as you get to go.'

    I hate the head games!!

    And thank you for sharing your journey.

  6. Hey there- I always had reverse body dysmorphia, too. But I think I had to in a certain sense, otherwise I would become a shut in and not feel worthy of anything. (I'm very all or nothing, he-he). Plus I always liked clothes and fashion so I badly wanted to participate in that world in my own limited way by trying to find clothes that fit and looked good on me.

    Like others on this board I just can't even imagine myself at 180 lbs (my first goal). And 125 lb's, which would be my ideal wt (well, actually it's on the high side of ideal according to the bmi shart) just sounds ridiculous. 125 lbs sounds like supermodel or tween territory!



  7. It took me forever to stop migrating to the plus sized section of stores and like I posted the other day, in my head there was no way I was going to fit into those size 8's even though I did. It takes a while, but your thinking does get better.

    BMI wise, I shoudl be way. I'm not even sure I want to go the the 140 I set for myself (my surgeon expected a 65 pound loss which I have already exceeded). I like my weihgt now, minus the loose skin (it's always something...LOL)!

  8. Penn & Teller's show "Bullshit" did a great segment on how BMI is a bad scale because all it does it pick height and weight and a math equation from the 1900's. They don't factor in muscle mass. So my mom's former trainer, the body builder? She was 5'6" and weighed 165-170 when she was at her competing weight. Of course, it was all muscle, but according to the BMI scale, that made her technically "overweight."

    I think insurance companies like BMIs because it allows them to deny insurance to people and that's just wrong.

    I thought it was kind of silly but I was honest with the psychologist at Dr. Billy's when she asked me what my ideal weight was and I said, "I don't have an exact number, I just want to weigh less than my boyfriend." I thought she was going to tell me that was an unhealthy goal, but she said that was completely normal. Honestly, 150 would put me around his weight and I'd be fine with even as high as 170 as well. I'm going to concentrate on strength training with my mom when I get down to a reasonable range and gaining numbers in muscle mass won't screw with my head.

    And I want to learn how to box. :) Not actually fight anyone, but I want to learn how to throw punches and use the speed bag.

  9. Good thought provoking question and since I've been overweight for as long as I can remember, I honestly can't think of myself as not being fat. I hope to achieve some sense of slim over time but just can't imagine what I would look like or any of that stuff. For me, as long as I'm healthy and can be active with my kids that's what matters most.

    I laughed at your 135 comment not because I'm making fun of course but when I looked up my ideal weight it was 135 too, or close, and I doubt I've weighed that since oh, elementary school! lol