Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ass Talk

My girlfriend has a really nice ass.  And I say that as non-sexually as a girlfriend can say.  It's one of those asses that you see in fitness magazines.  Like a high bubble.  Like two cantaloupes attached to the lower back.

It's annoying.

And lovely all at the same time.

But I want an ass like know...attached to my own body.

We Workman's are notorious flat-assers.  We have the girth, but not the POP!  Wide and...well...wide.  At some point I did have a shelf ass, but I am pretty sure that was just where my ass fat and back fat met each other.

So awhile back I posted about how I was going to embark on Operation Ass.  This meant that at least twice a week during circuit, I would focus on adding more ass-tacular, if you will, moves.  Walking lunges with 25lbs in each hand.  Reverse lunges, forward lunges, squats with weights, jump squats, various yoga moves such as awkward airplane, half moon, and some other position that I can't think of the name.

And it is working just a wee bit. 

However, in addition to working the assticles, it is also building up my quads.  Which, mama has always had strong quads, so now they are nice and visible whenst flexed, but increasing slightly in size.

And if you have been paying attention to my life these last 2.5 years, you will know that I have the thigh-to-waist ratio pants shopping problem-o that several of us suffer from.  MY THIGHS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. 

That may be a tad exaggerated, bc at least the front of thighs don't have cellulite.  But shopping is frustrating at times bc I am pretty sure that the fit models they use for clothing are thigh-less.


As I was wondering around the mall today, pre-shopping shall we call it (you know, when you don't have any money but need to scope things out just in case when you DO have money, you will know what you must have?), I thought of the cruel irony that now that I can shop pretty much anywhere size wise, but no longer have credit cards to shop irresponsibly with. 

And for the first time, I was thankful for a moment that I wasnt this size in college when I did have those wonderful plastic magic cards bc my debt would have been triple what it was.

Happy Thursday Bloggers and Readers alike!

Jillian Michaels and Blogger

As a few others have mentioned, I can't comment on most people's posts!  And I have had some really funny things to say lately damnit!  So I need someone who knows more than me to figure out what is up! 

Also, I think that I lost 26 followers overnight.  I could have sworn that I had 780 and now I have 754.  And I didn't even post anything controversial or particularly nasty.  It's gotta be a fluke right?  What if there is a movement to de-follow me?  Oh my God.  Is it because I said on Facebook last night that I can't wait until Color Me Bad comes out with a greatest hits album?  It is...isn't it.

How many of you follow Jillian Michaels on Facebook.  I love her.  And if it is really her and not an assistant that does her status updates, she is fun to follow.  Of course there are the health and motivation updates which are actually really good, but there are personal updates as well which makes me feel like her bff.  If only should we call me.  Sigh. 

Anywhoodle, she also does Podcasts.  I have never downloaded a podcast before, but for our roadtrip to the mountains, I downloaded one of her recent ones on plateaus.  You have to go find it if you have itunes.  It's free and it was super interesting.  In a nutshell, she believes plateaus are bullhonkey.  At first I was a little defensive in my brain...bc we love to talk about our plateaus.  And then she started talking about calories in and calories out, which at times I don't believe.  But she made sense (forgive me Jillian for doubting you).  She basically said if you plateau you are most likely doing something wrong.  She said that in fact, you could be stuck on the scale because you are EATING TOO LITTLE.  We have discussed this all over blogworld it seems like if we up our calories a little, we actually move on the scale in the right direction.  What she really focused on was calorie deficit.  If your calorie deficit, (based on your BMR, what  you are eating, and the calories you burn exercising), is too HIGH then your body won't want to lose.  Of course on the other end, you could actually be eating too much and your calorie deficit could be too little.  She said a calorie deficit of 700 is usually ideal.

It was interesting stuff.

She also talked about vanity pounds.  I will use me as an example:

When I was 327 pounds, my body knew it was overweight.  Changes to my diet and then exercise got my body all excited.  It was ready to lose weight.  It responded.  Well, once you get to a weight that is close to your ideal body weight, your body doesn't know that you want to lose 10-20 more pounds so your ass LOOKS better, or your love handles are a little more lovely.  You are going to have to work even harder to lose the pounds for vanity because your body is in a healthy and complacent state already.

K.  Love you's.  And if you find my 26 lost followers...tell them to come back to the fold.  I miss them already.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Two Types Of PBin'...And I Ain't Talking Peanut Butter

So the PB.  Many of us have been there.  The proud.  The brave.  The many.  Some have not been blessed with these happenings.  The few.  The lucky.  The someday it may happens.

For me, there are two types of PB's that I shall discuss. 


This PB comes swiftly, like the sword of a well-trained knight from King of Thrones.  I can be eating something and know, by the tell-tell signs of tightness, that I am stuck.  THEN, a couple of things start to happen and they all have to do with my mouth/jaw. 

At the back of my jaw (this is the Magic School Bus explanation) I picture little pods of slobber.  When the IT'S GO TIME MUTHA-F%$!*'S PB starts a'coming, these pods start to tingle.  And they start to produce saliva.  Which in turn, I swallow.  And where does the slobber go?  It goes down my pipe and sits directly on whatever is stuck.  The backup of slobber it pretty rapid bc it's coming out of my pods at an alarming rate.  So within minutes of getting stuck, it's all coming back up.  FAST.  This is actually my preferred method of PBing, bc it's over quick and there is not usually subsequent PB's to remove more food debris.  HOWEVER, it's bad when you aren't anywhere NEAR a PB receptacle (aka. toilet, Ziploc baggie, trashcan).  This happened to me when Southern Belle and I were dining at the ever classy Rainforest Cafe in Chicago last fall.  It was chip induced and we were on the upper level.  The bathroom?  DOWNSTAIRS!  Result?  I threw up in my mouth and held it until I made it to the leau.

Oooh, this also happened to me that one time at MellowMushroom.  I had just eaten pizza and then someone bought us a shot of Patron.  Yeah. In hindsight, bad idea.  I made it to the bathroom but not to a stall.  I projectile slimed everywhere.  On the wall.  The rug.  Good times.

Now, the second PB:

2.  The WHAT IN THE HELL IS STUCK INSIDE ME pb.  This happens with things like meat.  Or bowtie pasta...which even though I don't have proof, I believe it is manufactured and shipped straight from Satan's kitchen.  This PB can take hours to end.  There are usually several rounds of this.  A lot of dry heaving.  Some praying.  Some bargaining with your God or Goddess about how if it will just come out, you will never eat it (whatever it is) again.  For me, these are loud affairs and I come out looking as though I have been crying/working out/slash breaking out in hives. This one is super unpleasant for social reasons because if you have to end up in a public restroom, most people in the stall next to you are probably assuming you have a touch of the bulimia. 

I have been tempted to come out of the stall and pat my belly and say "Wow, this first trimester is really hard".

So there you have it.  My PB summary. 

God speed.

Why Our New Bodies Aren't Enough

For those of you near your "end game", or close to may have noticed something. 

Your BODY still isn't good enough.

I clearly remember when I started blogging, and how I felt when "skinny" fat people, weighing in at 220 pounds, compared to my 327 pounds...would talk about how fat THEY were.  I thought..."Damn.  What I wouldn't give to be 220!"

And then of course, 220 came and went.  And one day last fall, 170 arrived.  There is was.  My goal weight.  The weight I couldn't have really imagined ever seeing.  And for was enough.

Until it wasn't.

On vacation, whilst relaxing in the hot tub, I was watching a show of sorts go on underwater.  Caught up somewhere in the movement of the water was my loose skin.  Of course I was hot tubing sans I had a clear view of the action.  My stomach skin was sort of floating up towards the if ready to breach the surface to gasp for air.  I could touch it.  It was fun to play with.  But it was disheartening.

And we could beat this dead saggy horse all day couldn't we?  But what I could articulate for the first time was WHY it wasn't enough.  Because again, I am healthy and fit.  I am a size 10.  I should be content.  160 pounds ago I would have sworn that if I made it this far I would be good to go. 

But here is what happens.  When you are morbidly obese, all I really wanted was health and fashion.  I wanted to be healthy, and all that it entails, and I wanted to be able to shop like a normal person.  But when you become healthy and less shopping challenged...once you reach this mecca called "Maintenance", you are no longer the morbidly obese person striving for health.  You are a healthy person striving for....For something more.  More muscle, a smaller size, less saggy skin, etc. 

So yes, the Morbidly Obese Amy would have been happy with 170 and a size 10 and a little saggy skin.  But I am no longer the MOA.  I am the fit and thick Amy...who wishes now for things that most likely will never be.  I won't have a tummy tuck bc it's just not worth it to me.  My stomach isn't so bad that I want to endure the pain.  And most likely, if I ever did have one, I would then be sad I had a scar.  I can't fix my cellulite.  Ah, that's forever.  My stretch marks too. 

But I am not really complaining or throwing a pity party.  I promise.  I just wanted to shed some light on a side that I didn't ever really understand.  How once you are "normal"...or just want a little more normal.  You enter a different level with your body and your mind...not necessarily a higher one...but a different one.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Vacation Mayhem

There really wasn't much of it...mayhem that is! But I will share and recap with you guys!  Here is the cabin we rented.  I can't speak highly enough of this place.  It was even better than the website and pictures made it out to be.  It was huge of course, and would be perfect for a family.  It was three floors, clean, well decorated, up-to-date furnishings, a pool table, and a huge hot tub.  We wanted a place to get away that we could have the dogs.  It was pet friendly, secluded, and perfect.  I wants one.
This is us before we left.  Shelby, my dog, has done lots of traveling and it crotchety in his old age.  The pigs haven't ever gone farther than an hour or so in the car.  They all managed pretty well in the backseat of the truck. 
We went hiking one day.  We hiked to some waterfalls, and then kept hiking up the mountain for about an hour and a half one way. was some up hill climbing!  I enjoyed it though and we didnt see any other human beings....which I always enjoy.
My one disappointment was that since it was "summer", we werent allowed to use the fireplace.  I loves me some fireplace now.
Relaxing with Honey May on the wrap around porch.
We went whitewater rafting on our first Saturday there.  The high was 61, is was cloudy and windy, and poor little Heather was frozen from the get go.  Even I was cold and really miserable about 30 minutes into it.  I would do it again in a heartbeat though.  It was class 3 & 4 rapids.  I did manage to "ride the bull" in the last bit of sit on the front of the raft with your legs dangling over and hold onto the tow rope.  It was badass.

Rockstar if you will.

I would have bought pictures but they were expensive!  Even for a photowhore like me.  We ate naughty (well...I did...more than usual).  Fried green beans that were to die for, pizza, apple cider donuts.  Yum.

Mr. Scale was not appreciative of such fine dining, and rang in with a horrific 173.4.

Blah.  So back to work, back to working out, and back to working the diet.  In all honesty I haven't worked the diet in awhile.


tsk tsk tsk.

Happy Monday loves!  I have missed you!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I Like This Girl

I like that girl there serving.  Course, I liked the girl below as well, but the girl above...well...quite frankly I want to slap her ass and motorboat her little boobies. 

Why Is The Outside World Not Enough

A thought occurred to me today whilst in the midst of a pity party.

Why are external factors not enough to make us lose our weight? 

For example.

If in my mind I think Heather thinks I am sexier at 160 than 170...why don't I do everything within my power to get and stay at 160?  Why is it not motivation enough?

Same thing goes for those of you who say I am losing weight for:

My career
My kids
My husband
To Start Living Life
To go shopping and not have to cry in the dressing room
To fit into an airplane seat
To look hot in a swimsuit

Why isn't it motivation enough?  When we are getting ready to eat cookies and cakes and suck sugar and such...why aren't those things that are the most important things in our lives enough to prevent us from eating?

It should be shouldn't it? 

And I know that "we have to do it for ourselves"...but my question is WHY?  Don't we love being desired enough?  Love our kids enough?  Want to fit into that pencil skirt to get that raise enough?

Think of biggest loser and the folks that go home early but still have a chance to win the at-home prize of $100,000.  I always think "Hell, for $100,000 I would starve myself for 3 months"...but for some of them...even a great deal of money isn't enough.

I suppose it may have something to do with addiction.  But I can't wrap my brain around it.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Lapband Seminar: Input Valued

I want to ask you a question and if you have the time, I would actually like you to type your answer (not just formulate it in your head like I do and then never actually respond).

Okay I lied.  I might have several questions:

What got you to go the weight loss surgery seminar you attended?  You know...the very first one that so many of us went to?  Not the support group, but the seminar where you might meet your doc or hear the "pitch" for surgery.  What motivated you to go?

and the second question is:

Were you scared or nervous to go?

We were talking in San Fransisco that if people just get to the seminar, they are much more likely to actually book the surgery.  Several people also mentioned that they were nervous, scared, trepidatious (is that a word). 

Some people worry about being the fattest person in the room.  Or walking into a room of fat people and "not being fat enough".  Will the chairs be big enough?  Will people judge me.

It never occurred to me that people would be scared to go to a seminar.  And opened my mind a little.

For me, although sometimes my family says I make up details, stories, and events...from what I recall it was my sister who said "let's go".  So I owe her too, for changing my life...and for possibly saving it.  But once I saw Dr. Friedman (swoon) and heard him explain the surgeries...I couldn't get to the information table in the back quick enough.  I wanted to know HOW SOON until I could have that damn band inside of me.

So let me know.  Did you like your seminar?  Was it your deciding factor?



Tanning Naked...Thoughts to Ponder

So, for those of you Nancy Drew's out there, you may have drawn the conclusion from yesterday's "Have You Ever..."post that was indeed I who sunburnt her whoo-ha.  And who doesn't love swapping stories of Vitamin D wallering gone wrong?

So I would like to continue with further thoughts on the subject.

Last night my sinuses weren't hurting me as bad so I didn't take any IBprofen before bed.  Well, around 2 am I awoke to a terrible sensation in the area my underwear would have been if I had been wearing any.  I thought I would sleep nakie in hopes that the lack of undies would free my crispy private pad to breathe.  Well, I think in fact my plan backfired, bc it felt like someone had released a herd of fireants (did you know fireants in large groups were called herds?  No...that's probably because I just made that up) on my front parts.

At this point, I don't know why I didnt take something for the pain.  But...I didnt.

So when I woke up I knew a couple of things:

a)I couldn't complain or whine to my girlfriend because she already has called me several lovely nicknames for my tanning mishap and won't be hearing my kerfuffling about it.

b) mama was going to need some aloe...asap...and some meds.

c) the sad thought of calling in "burnt" did occur to me.  But I shook it off.

So I waddled out to the fridge and got the aloe.  I hate aloe.  It's sticky.  But there I stood in the kitchen, only the sad little light from the refrigerator illuminating my nude shame.  I touched the aloe to the skin about 6-8 inches below my bellow button and let out a whimper, one that  I could only imagine sounded like a mother elk mourning the loss of her child elk.

I slathered on the aloe and popped some ibprof's.  I wondered if I could call my doctor and ask for two single Loritabs.  They give those out for stupid people who get burns in their own backyard yes?

I then proceeded to do everything else naked.  I dropped my hairbrush at one point and spent at least 5 minutes trying to pick it up with the sausages I call my toes...just so I wouldnt have to bend over.

I finally got dressed and managed to proceed with my day. 

I think when I was laying flat outside, my little skin folds, courtesy of the excess skin about my lady station, must have been flattened out and I actually BURNT inside those creases...and once upright, those creases come back together in the most painful way.

Hopefully I will learn from my mistakes. 

Probably not though.  Probably not.

Mountain Mama

pppsssst.  I don't think I have officially announced that WE ARE GOING ON VACATION!  In less than 2 DAYS!

*insert happy dance/the cabbage patch*

Because the month of May is a spectacular month, housing not only our anniversary but Heather's 34th birthday, I am taking her away!  Initially we had thought about a cruise, but Heather doesn't really like leaving our pigs (dogs) for that long so I started thinking about what we could do that the pigs could do too.  I then started thinking about camping...but then I decided a cabin in the mountains!  We are heading to Blue Ridge, Georgia.  I have never been, and neither has Heather (which I have come to ascertain is a rarity for those raised in these here parts).  It's about a 7.5 hour drive. 

Here is our cabin.
There is a hottub out back...a pool table somewhere inside.  I AM PUMPED!

Plans are as following:

Whitewater rafting.  Heather is not so thrilled about this one as a) she doesn't like to be cold and b) she is kinda a wimp.  I know, it is hard to believe because she looks tough...but she doesn't really like things I would deem thrilling.  She won't ever be skydiving with me.  She doesn't really enjoy skiing although it comes so easy for her.  Hot air balloons are also probably never on our horizon.  Anywhooz...

One of the 4 operating drive-in movie theatres resides in Blue Ridge.  We shall be attending.

There is some sort of block party downtown....I shall shake my groove thing perhaps.

OOOH, and there is an apple orchard.  I am buying a pie...and then I am going to eat it.

Hopefully we are going hiking.

Also, I plan to drink wine.  Have I told you that I am starting to like that stuff?  I have always dreamt of drinking wine, so lady like, but I do not like it.  Then I found my gateway wine...a blueberry sweet wine.  And then in San Fran I had some light white fruity wine.  So those of you who know of such things, I need some recommendations.  Let it be known, I do NOT like anything dry.  And I am a beginning...OH...and I am poor.  K?

So we will be gone for a whole week. 

But hopefully I will be able to blog and take lots of pictures.

Happy Wednesday pumpkins!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Do you ever...

lay outside and sunbathe naked on your sick day because heat helps sinus infections AND because your ass looks funny when you wear and thong with a bikini bottom tanline AND you end up not only burning your ass cheeks but apparently when you rolled over and kept reading your book for an hour, you burned your whootanany as well and then spend the entire time you are doing circuit with your crotch sweating because of the immense heat your whootanany sunburn is emitting?

No?  Me Neither.

Loving A Lady: The One Year Recap

I have heard it mention that my father thinks I share too much information on Facebook.  Lord...I wonder if he reads my blog! 

I have been mulling over a post now for several weeks.  And yet I have hesitated, bc really...the only people who love sappy, mushy, sugar-sweet confessions of love are those people who are currently wrapped up in a sappy, mushy, sugar-sweet confection of love themselves. has to happen.

For no other reason than my brain may explode if I keep things inside of it.  I have no proof of this, since I have never actually kept anything inside of it for an extended period of time...

However, this month marks the year where my life changed.  This month, a year ago, I fell in love with Heather.  Can you believe it has been a year already?

What I want to say is that not a day goes by that I am not reminded of how amazing life can be.  I think for a very long time I believed that love, the way I dreamt of it when I was little, they way I hoped for it when I was growing up...well, for a long time...I had given up on believing in it.  I had resigned myself to what I thought was "real love".  I had come to the conclusion that, find someone you are fine with, that you get a long with, can stand...and you make it work.  That the Disney idea of love was a crock.  And while I am still waiting for the Disney release of "Jasmine & Belle: The Real L Word"...

I now know that the good stuff is out there.  And I have found it. 

Heather makes me a better person every day.  She loves me.  She supports me.  She puts up with my mood swings and my tears.  She forgives me when I play to rough and hit her in the head with objects (on accident).  She makes me feel beautiful.  She makes me feel like I can do anything.  She makes me feel like my future is limitless.  I know that if I really wanted something, she would find a way to get it. She loves my family.  She loves my dog.  She loves me.  And of course it's not all sunshine and roses....but it doesn't have to be to be the most amazing experience of my life. 

I was laying there in bed thinking last night about love.  We meet thousands and thousands of people in our lives.  And do I believe that there is only ONE person for each of us.  I don't know.  Certainly we can find people in our lives that we love and connect with.  But I would like to think that of all the things that make us unique, that there is another person out their with all of their own uniqueness...and if you are lucky enough, or fate, or destiny, or life gets you to that other person...

There is a lock.  And then your story begins.

Heather doesn't read my I am not writing this for her benefit.  But I couldn't let a year go by without something said to you peeps. 

I remember before we really decided to go for it, Heather asked me:

"Are you sure you know what you are getting into?" 

She wanted to make sure I was prepared for the social aspect of it, the family aspect of it, how being with a girl would affect my life.  Well shoot, I wasn't worried about the judgment part.  I was the 327 pound woman prancing around on the beach in a swimsuit...or the 17 year old girl dancing in a damn uni-tartd at 275 pounds on the basketball court...public judgment about what "should" be was never a concern. 

What I wasn't prepared for was the amount of love I would feel.  It's a powerful thing. And I cannot wait to see where this next year takes us...or the next 10....the next 50.

You see this picture?  This is one of my favorites.  We were tanning by my sisters pool and ended up taking about 400 shots with our iphone of us just laughing and playing around.  This picture sums up how I feel everyday. 

I likes it.

So there.  It's over with.  Did you PB just a smidge?  I apologize. 

But did you want my brain to explode?  No.

I didn't think so!

Being A Decent Human

I need to speak to you's for a moment. (I have decided to start adding 's to words that don't really need them.  Just so you know).

I have also decided that I am on a personal mission to be the best human being I can be.  I am not speaking in Gandhi terms really...I haven't gone that global yet.  Bet I have come across some people lately that appall me.

And I am not usually appalled.  Well...I take that back.

I am appalled rather easily by the following;

Self-righteous arrogance.

And sometimes, when I see such things....let's take the last one for example...when someone is being a pompous ass and completely thinks they are the shit...and SPOUTS to a group of other's about how awesome they are...

my mouth literally drops. 

Because while I confess to be a legend, it should be noted that it is only in my mind and I really just say it for giggles.  I don't REALLY think I am all that special...or a model....or dancer.  Well...maybe a model and dancer...

but I digress.

Have you ever come across someone so completely full of themselves with nothing to back it up?  Or let me put it this way.  So what if I have lost 170 (okay..FINE...less than that at this moment) pounds?  If I am a horrible human being, if I am mean, condescending, grandstanding, and an doesn't matter. 

But what it boils down I want to sometimes say to these people...I SEE YOU.  I see the real you that is actually anything but what you portray.  I see the real you that is clinging to certain things and blowing smoke up people's ass in hopes they don't see how ugly your insides are.  I see the real you that despite all your puffing really need a hug and you need to love yourself.

And then I try to think well maybe it is my job as a good human, to actually try and make a connection with these people.  Maybe instead of being all catty and judgmental, I should try and see if I can get past their nonsense into the good.

Aw hell....but sometimes I dont wanna!

So I ask you....are you being a good human today?

I am trying to do a little more...maybe to make up for those who don't.  I always say please and thank you, I always make eye contact, talk to strangers, look for ways to help...

but I can be better at it.  I can do things that maybe make me a little uncomfortable.  I can stretch myself a little more to meet my fellow humans with a little more compassion and love.  I can open my mind, listen more, try to think before I speak. 

I don't always succeed.  But that's my campaign for right now. 

From the land of bronchitis and sinus infections,

I sign off!

Story Time. Come Sit on My Lap(band)

Mama has something to share... 

But first.  Last week was our annual volleyball tournament here at work.  I am no skilled vball player, I just like to grunt and dive.  And every year I have played.  I opened up my email today and saw this years picture...and I couldn't find me at first.  Do you know why?  Because I was still looking for this girl from a few years ago.
However, I am no longer that girl.  I am this girl. crazy that I swear....I really wasn't looking for that girl.

Moving right along. 

Heather had her pictures taken with her siblings on her mother's side for mother's day.  And I am biased of course because she is my girlfriend, but I think she is the most beautiful person in the world.  And her siblings aren't bad either.  However...I am jealous of the pictures damnit!  I WANT PROFESSIONAL PICTURES TAKEN TOO!!! 

I AM A MODEL ( my own mind).  And never in my entire picture loving life have I had real ones taken.  And my senior pictures don't count.  Lord...I should dig some of those up for you.  Whoever thought a neon lime-green polyester button down collared shirt was a good idea...I don't know!

So I made up my mind that I would tie my pictures that have yet to be taken, to me meeting a goal weight.  For sure not because I think one must wait to have pictures taken, but I need some motivation and what better than vanity forever frozen in the form of a digital montage of ME?!  So.  When I see 155 on the scale (damn...I really want those pictures...maybe a solid 160?)...I am getting some taken.

Then end.  Which brings me to my opening sentence....

You know how a typical amy-cycle is good eating for a couple of weeks, "looser eating" for a couple, and back and forth?  Well, I have been on a diet monitoring hiatus for about a month now.  Really since the competition here at work ended.  And my 168 that I hold pretty well is now around 171 and it's time to crack down again.

Speaking of crack...hmmm...that could aid weight loss.

NO!  I don't need that.  But just being present and mindful.  You know...being a good girl.  So let the upside of the cycle begin.  I will keep you posted on that. 

hmmm...what else?

I have several other topics to cover....but as this is getting long winded...I shall save them for another post.

Happy Tuesday!

ooooh ooooh...I forgot to tell you I have bronchitis and a sinus infection!  Awesome! 

Kisses (through a mask for your protection of course)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Do you ever...

Go through half of the day before you realize your underwear is on inside out?

No?  Me neither.

Low Profile Port

Sometimes, when I don't know what people are talking about, I just nod and make noises that indicate that I in fact, DO know what people are talking about.

It usually works.

Since Chicago, I have been nodding while people tell me they have a low profile port.  I just thought this meant that it was low in their a port ninja.

It turns out there is actually such a thing as a low profile port!

The difference is only about .3mm.  The above pictures are of Lap-band ports, but the realize port comes in around 11.6mm's as well.

My port baby sticks out a lot.  I like it.  It's my port baby for God's sake.  I rub it.  I let people touch it.  Heather bites it. 

Good times.

Dr. Friedman has asked me if I would like him to reposition it...nah I say!  It doesn't ever really bother me.  It doesn't hurt.  When I lay on my stomach doing yoga or something...I can feel it...but it's not bad.

But for those of you investigating, ask about the ports.  Ask about the positioning of your port.  Mine is high up on my stomach, some get theirs very low. 

And when you go in to your doc, discuss the differences between the two band manufacturers.  I didn't even know (at the time of my surgery) that there were two bands out there (I probably was just nodding and grunting when someone said Realize or Lapband).

This is the Lap-Band AP

This is Realize Band-C
When we hear about bands leaking...take a look at this pictures and guess where a leak may occur?  The Lap-band band is pre molded with individual sections and the Realize Band is one continuous "pillow".  Leaking may occur where the creases are in the Realize band, bc it "may" rub together.  Or, just think of your hose in your backyard...if you leave it folded or kinked for the usually ain't good come summertime.

There are also different sizes with each brand.  So ask you doc about that as well.  There is the Lap-band AP (standard APS) with fill volume is around 10ml.  The Lap-band AP (Large APL) has a fill volume around 14m.  The Realize band is around 9, and the Realize band-C is around 11.

Kinky Tube

Do you know what will be fantastic?  Someone I am sure will stumble across my blog when late one night, they good the words "kinky tube"...

They probably won't be searching for a lapband post.  But regardless...

WELCOME KINKY GOOGLERS!  We accept all kinds here!

While in San Francisco, we were able to attend and sit in on a Lap-band Total Care Regional Workshop.  This is a workshop that Allergan provides for office coordinator, doctors, nurses, etc.  While we were sitting in the back of the room listening to one of the speakerst talk about possible complications with the band...our ears perked up at the mention of:

One complication may arise from strenous exercise.

I didn't want to put that in quotes, bc I am paraphrasing...but let me tell you what...As soon as we heard that, several of us who consider ourselves to be strenous exercisers looked at each other like....waaaaaaaaat?

So BandedWendy raised her hand and asked him to elaborate.

It seems that sometimes, for those of us who were especially big, there is a good amount of tubing required to stretch from our port to our band.  Once we lose a lot of weight, the tubing is not stretched out so much and can get a little slack.  This slack, paired with strenous exercise, may cause kinking.

Huh....makes sense.

In fact, one of our participants had this happen to her and it was a simple procedure to fix it.  Interesting to know yes?

Vote For One of Us

Oh ladies.  If you have a little time today, we have a fellow bandster in need.  And when I say need I don't mean in terrible, in need of a mood lift sense, I just mean we have a fellow bandster who is one of the success stories and is in a little competition in relation to her said success.

Try not to hate her because she wears a bikini in public and doesn't look like a deflated elephant like some of us (and by us, I mean me).

But if you don't read Katie's blog, she is in a before and after photo competition at her surgery center and will win an ipad and street cred.  So if you would like to vote, here is what you can do:

1. go to

2. LIKE their page

3. Go to their photos... Photo Album PHOTO CONTEST

4. go to MY before and after photos and "LIKE" them both!!! (Katie-fire Wyer)

the end.

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Denied For Lapband

I was very lucky to work for an organization that not only has a Bariatric Surgery of Excellence Program (at the time, it was only the 5th in the country), but our insurance basically pays for weight loss surgery 100%.  From the time I attended the seminar, it took me about 6 weeks to get my cute, yet plump, behind on that operating table.

I don't know how hard I would have fought if I had been denied for surgery.  I think I probably just would have said, "oh well.  I will do it on my own"...and most likely, I would have weighed MORE than the 327 pounds I started at.

It was my sister who really got me into the seminar.  We had talked about having WLS off and on for a couple of years, but only "lightly".  And then she said something about me finding a time for us to go to the seminar...and off we went.

I don't write things down very often when I am in meetings.  I tend to just listen.  But I do believe that at our meeting in San Fransisco that statistically, if you can get people into the seminars, they are more than 60% likely going to have the surgery.  Getting people there is a big deal.

So anyways, if you sister wanted the surgery but her insurance company does not cover it.  And she is still waiting. 

So I told you that Joe from Obesity Action Coalition gave me a great booklet to give my sister on how to appeal and some insurance basics.  You can find and download this for free at their website.  Here is the link.

For those of you who are self-pay or fought appeals, I applaud you.  And for those of you who are fighting or trying to hustle up some funds...don't give up.  It is totally worth it. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Pop Drinking NINJA

When I was first asked to attend the meeting in San Fransisco, my immediate thought was...Oh Hell.  They haven't read my blog!

And I thought this because I was sure if they had read my blog, they wouldn't really want me to come.  I mean...come on...YOU've read my blog.  I talk about the lapband for sure!   I share my up's and down's.  But sometimes I share too much.  So when I started giving my intro to my blog in my presentation, I warned them:

If you read my may find out more than you want to know.  For example, my last post was entitled "Sigh.  Can we talk about my boobs again".  I said sometimes I talk about dangly bits, sometimes I talk about sagging skin.  And basically, like one of my 'almost mission statements' for the most part, I just talk about what most people THINK about...but are too well mannered to say.

It was funny being in a room full of WLS surgery patients though.  Because at first, everyone was on their best behavior with food and drink.  The drink table had diet coke, sprite, Regular Coke, water, tea, etc.  Well, you better believe wasn't nobody touching the regular coke.

ahem.  But I did.  Like a Coke drinking Ninja, I smuggled them back to my room and drank it up in wine glasses on the rocks. However, I am not a photo taking Ninja.  I sent this picture to Heather to show her my room...

hmmm...I did not notice the Coke sitting on the table.

Not to worry though...Heather did.

Umbrella Bags And Slime Evacuation

Do you know that LapBand Gal is 18 months post-op and never PB'd?  You read that correctly (I do realize there are a few of you responsible chewers and eaters out there that have never gotten stuck to the point of projectile food).  Well, I didn't want her to feel left I gave her the closest thing to a PB.  I did it for her.  On the streets of San Fran. 

Here we are on Thursday night at a yummy little restaurant called A16.  Basically is was a shee shee poo poo Italian restaurant where I wouldnt have known what to order bc they used fancy descriptive Italian words (I am familiar with Ragu...Classico)...but it was delicious.  As was all the wine. 
Well.  Even though it was a seven course meal and I ate my share (and some of everyone elses too)...I didnt have any trouble.  It was the next day, when LPG and I decided to grab lunch...that things went south...well...I guess they went north...

I digress.

We ate lunch in Macy's and I ordered chili.  I figured this would be safe!  I ate almost half of my bowl and took a swig of pop as we headed out.  As we were heading up the escalator I said to LPG, "this could be bad".

She actually looked excited for a moment.  She wanted to know what it felt like.  I was doing the silent and yet ineffective lapband prayer in my head "please go down, please go down".  On our way out, I went to grab an umbrella bag just in case.

I knew that if it was coming up, it was going to be a fast one.  The back of my jaw was getting "that feeling"...and I could feel the pop bubbling up.  Well, we made it about 10 feet.  And there, across from the iconic Union Square, pressed against Macy's, with the little Lapband Gal shielding me as best as her skinny ass could...

up came the foam.  And then the foam out of the nose happened.  No napkin.  No hanky.  Only my sleeve for clean up.

It was classy to say the least.

But I felt better and we trotted off to Victoria Secret.

The end


Allergan And Two Thumbs Way, Way Up

On Wednesday  I boarded a plane to San Fransisco.  For those of you who are on my Facebook page (and don't be shy...we can be friends), you were privy to my highly insightful (read: possibly annoying) traveling tips.  But beside imparting knowledge to my FB BFF's, I was actually traveling with a purpose.

Either by fate, destiny, large amounts of bribery...or more likely...recommendations by the wonderful Karin and Dr. Friedman...I was able to be on the Patient Executive Council for Allergan...the maker of the Lapband.

Question:  Did you even know at the time of surgery that you had a choice in the type of band that was installed?  I of course have the Lapband, made by Allergan (the Realize band is the other option). 

This meeting consisted of 9 "advisors" who somehow have a social media presence in relation to the band.  The room was also full of Allergan employees, Joe Nadglowski from Obesity Action Coalition, and several others. 

We were meeting for several reasons, but it was hopefully an opportunity for the Marketing division of Allergan to get a better understanding of us, and for us to get a better understanding of each other, the band, the other social obstacles and challenges facing not just bandsters or WLS peeps, but those battling obesity in general.

This is why I need my mission statement!  We had to give presentations (5-10) minutes long introducing our site and ourselves.

I was SUPER nervous.

But it went FANTASTIC.  I want to do it again.  I made jokes about my boobs (thanks for Lapband Gal for talking about BOOBS and thus giving me a bump, set, spike for my joke), I talked about WHY I first started my blog, and why I think you guys read it. 

I can't say enough about what a tremendous opportunity this was to meet some amazing people.  You can go to Lapband Gal's site if you would like a link to everyones page or site that was in attendance. 

But a summary is: (and I am not going to use last names bc some people don't roll like that)

Alex-founder of    LBT is where this all started for me.  It was great to meet him. 
Lapband Gal-we all know her!  But I was able to really get to know her this time (there was Chicago of course).  She is amazing and awesome. 
Sandi and Gloria-Sandy and Gloria are both years and years post op and still super successful.  They have their own website, their own book, their own facebook page.  We even got to work out together real early before the meeting started on Thursday.
Yvonne-also known as Bariatric Girl.  Yvonne is a Gastric Bypass patient, nearly a decade successful.  She is very attive in the WLS world.  Yvonne is one of those people who has a beautiful soul.  She is very kind and I think I could learn a lot from her.
Susan-Susan has a website as well.  I hope to get to work with her in the very near future!
Wendy-for anyone who watches YouTube, Wendy is BandedWendy.  She is 8 feet tall, slim, and super successful. 
Bo-Bo is instrumental in  He is also HILARIOUS!  He is a Gastric Bypass patient.

and even though he is not technically "one of us", Joe Nadglowski.  Joe is president of Obesity Action Coalition.  I will be talking more about them in the near future.  But OAC is on FB (look them up) and is key in changing Washington, social issues, etc as it relates to Obesity in general.  Joe is one of those people that always looks like he has a big thought brewing...and he is fighting the good fight. 

My next post will be a little lighter and I will share some stories!  Until then....Happy Monday!