Monday, May 22, 2023

Existing With Trauma

 I was originally going to title this post: Healing After Trauma...but that didn't "feel" right.  I don't know if we HEAL after trauma.  I think we make work through the muddled and painful chaos that makes up our "new" life...and hopefully come out the other side... alive and at least somewhat emotionally stable?

That has a question mark after it because I still don't know.  Maybe I will let you know how it turns out someday!  lol  Lots to unpack when I find a therapist. 

I am struggling so much with writing this post.  

I don't want to come off as a victim.  

I don't want to minimize those struggling with PTSD.  

I don't want to sound dramatic (we Workman's like to EMBELLISH, but I don't think we are particularly DRAMATIC).

And it just feels...yuck...saying that I know now, that my relationship with Heather was an abusive one. Not physically.  Not verbally in the sense she didn't name call or yell.  We barely argued.  How could we?  I was working full time to make her happy, to keep her happy, for her to love me, working to make sure she didn't realize I was not worthy of her love. But the grooming that happens...the ingenious "compliments" that were insults...or comments would sting and seem so cold and hurtful that I would justify by laughing and saying "oh you know Heather".  Do you know why I cleaned the house every day?  Because once Heather told me that she would be more likely to have sex with me if the house was clean.  Can't have sex in a dirty house.  And since Heather used sex as a way to manipulate and reward, and because I already have a long distorted association with sex=love,  damned if I didn't start making sure the house was clean and tidy every day.  Did I get laid more?  Sure didn't.  But did Heather come home to a clean house?  You betcha. 

Heather is a narcissist.  I didn't really understand that word, or the actual Cluster-B personality disorders, until the last year or so in our relationship.  I won't do a dissertation on narcissism here, but if you ever need someone to talk to or book recommendations on the subject, holler at your girl.

But you know the perfect match for a narcissist?  A codependent empath.  (Amy waves at you through the screen).


January 2016 Married

March 2017 Found out 100% about the affair

May 2017 Heather sold the house, I bought a new house...

And spent the next 12 months or so in a state of...insanity  Looking back now, it's hard to believe the person I was during that time.  I was sad.  I started therapy.  I started working on my body image, my childhood relationship with my brother, my "idea" of Heather...all good things to work on.  I kept busy.  I worked.  I worked out.  I had almost zero appetite, barely ate, and started drinking my dinner.  I got real "skinny" and got so many compliments on "I know you are sad but damn you are looking good".  I had lots of relations with lots of people.  I was trying "things on for size".  I didn't want a relationship.  I didn't want to date.  I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be satisfied, I wanted to feel desired.  I felt like I was upfront with people during this time...with my intentions and lack of wanting anything real...but I know I was hurtful and people got hurt.

I knew that hurt people...hurt people...but I didn't think I was a hurt people.  I thought I was better than that.  I was on a moral high horse about how I was "good" and Heather and Gina were "bad" and I was never gonna be pieces of shit like them.

But over the course of that time, I had some piece of shit moments.  And I hurt people.  And you can't take that hurt back.  All I can do is try and learn and be aware of that part of me.  I think...I know...that there was a part of me that thought "if people just get to walk around and do whatever the fuck they want, why can't I"?

It turns out that it doesn't set well with my soul...trying to be soulless.  So, I had kinda stopped.  I was getting into this new groove and enjoying being by myself.  Loved not having to come home and cook if I didn't want to, or even clean...I just had to worry about my happiness when I was home.  And the fur childrens of course...but you get my drift.

Then, on December 28th, I thought I would hook up with this guy from Crossfit because even though I had slowed down on my world love tour, I still had needs.

And enter...Justin Wade Killam.