Thursday, August 30, 2012

Lesbians And Synchronized Uteruses

Do you remember when I first started living with Heather and I wrote some deeply insightful post about being a new lady lover and all the things people who are NOT lady lovers might not think about?  I am pretty sure there was a post like that, but if you do not recall it....I talked about how when you are dating a never have to worry about starting your period and going to get a tampon, only to find that your man lover has used your last tampon and left the box empty.

Like Heather does.

Bless her heart.

And I suppose that this is not only a problem in lesbian households, but a problem some of you ladies may experience if you share your home with other girls/ladies who are "of age".

But here is another problem. 

You know how ladies and their cycles usually sync up if they live or work together?  Okay fine.  I can handle that...BUT...this is what is happening in our house these days.  About 2 day into her period, Heather gets...

let's shall I phrase this...


Not necessarily with me, but she refuses to get off the couch, orders me around, talks angry talk at the people on tv (hmmm...this isn't sounding much different than a normal Monday night)...but she is MOODY and less accommodating to my emotional clingliness needs.  And as a sweet understanding girlfriend, I should be kinder to her during this time of emotional distress.

Unfortunately, when Heather is about 2 days into her period and thus...bitchy...I am about 2 days from starting mine...and 2 days from starting my period I am UBER needy.   I want to cuddle on the couch, I need to have my hair petted, I need a lot of positive affirmation (hmmm...this isnt sounding much different than a normal Monday night).

My point is.  When I need to be babied and Heather needs to be grumpy...THAT CAN'T HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME.

Have mercy.

Not to worry though.  I snuck into the bathroom this morning, stole the two remaining regular strength tampons and left her with one "light day" day tampon.

HA!  Who is the winner now?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Numbers Are Stupid...Unless They Are In Your Favor

The organization that both Heather and I work for have decided to adopt a "healthy lives" initiative.  If you carry our insurance, you can sign up for the program and you will NOT have to pay an extra $90 per month on your insurance (double that if your spouse in on your plan).   You have to go through a health screening of course, where they take your blood, check your cholesterol, blood pressure, etc...and of course....YOUR BMI.

If you have good levels you earn points. You can earn 350 points a year and redeem them for $350 dollars. 

Good blood pressure? 25 points
Non-smoker? 50 points
Working out/logging your exercise?  points
"Normal" BMI?  100 points

(we will return to that in a second).

Now my girlfriend of course will earn all her points right off the bat.  In fact, she went around looking like this:

And saying this: "That's right bitches.  Cha-ching.  It's about time this paid off"...for about 3 days.

Unlike me...who for three days before my screening walked around like this:
Saying: "Are you f%$king kidding me?!  BMI?  That's bullshit.  I am a weight lifter!  I am a body builder!  I can out run and outlift any of those skinny bitches in walking around here.  Put us on a treadmill!  Take me and have my body mass/bodyfat/muscle analzyed....I dare you!!!!"

Oh it was good.  In fact, those of you on my facebook probably saw me ranting about BMI.  I was fit to be tied.  I was hot. 

So I went into my screening and was all ready to tell my little health screener a thing or two about BMI and how far I have come.  I am 5'4".  The "normal" range for my BMI would be 110-140 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!  Say whaaat?  I mean, this is no news to me...but if you are linking my health to money...well game on.

So they took my blood.  They took my weight.  They measured my waist.

My precious little screener said "Your BMI is 31.9 and..."

I interrupted with "I KNOW.  I'm OBESE".

She said, "well, it doesn't matter, because your waist is 33"...which means according to this chart you are ATHLETIC and therefore exempt from BMI and don't need to lose any weight".

Excuse me?  Please repeat.

ATHLETIC she said again.. can only imagine.  I think I may have blacked out from head swell.  I strode on out of that little booth and walked to find my girlfriend.

She was waiting for me.  She had discovered earlier that this was a possibility.

I said...Well I have no idea.  But I kept repeating saying things like: How's the weather.  I'm athletic.  I answered my work phone:  Athletic speaking, how may I help you?

I was unbearable.

I did realize though how funny it was that I was so set on how a number can't determine your health or fitness...

until a number worked out in my favor!

bahahahah...such is life.

But just for the record...

The BMI scale is still stupid.

Keep your chin up ladies!  It's Monday, there is a Hurricane headed my way, and I am feeling athletic.  All is right with the world.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

One of The Best Commercials In...Forever

I love this video.  It aired during the Olympics and yes...I was premenstrual...but I played it back for Heather...who was outside picking up dog poop (not with her bare hands...we have a scoop).  And I have SO been wanting to share it with you for weeks now, but because my blogger was broke (okay, that's a lie...I'm just lazy), I didnt get a chance to post in until today.

Many of you are like me.  Running was something that as a young adult, a "tween" if you will, was a holy grail of fitness.  It was an idea in my head like "one day I will be a runner", or "one day I will be one of those girls who puts on her running shoes and goes for a jog"...

It never happened.  There are always high school movies about the girl who undergoes a transformation, starts jogging the track at school, gets fit, wins the crown and the quarterback....

It never happened for me.

Okay, I won the crown during Winter Royalty...but that's beyond the point.  I wasn't running anywhere...except to the border (Taco Bell)...and by running I mean driving my 1984 Oldsmobile Ferenza.

But what is fantastic about this video is that it inspires me.  And while I do run now (really it's more of jogging...I don't know when it officially becomes running), I still feel at time like a wounded seal running.  And most of the time, whilst actual in the act of propelling myself forward, I hate it.   It's tough.  It's MUCH easier than January 1st of this year.  I am MUCH better...but I am still not the girl who says "I think I will go for a run to clear my mind"...UNLESS, by clearing ones mind you mean you don't think of anything else because all of your brainpower is consumed with thinking how stupid running is...then yes...possibly.

But I feel good when I am finished.  And I feel good when I know that my body can do things that I have waited a very long time for it to do.  Does Heather finish a 5k on the treadmill about 6 minutes faster than me?  Yes.  Does she have my ass (fabulous though it is) to carry.  NO. So there.  She should be faster.  She is a little thing.

But really, this isn't about running.  It's about starting somewhere. Your starting point, my starting point, David Beckham's starting point (he really doesn't fit in here, but he is beautiful so I mentioned him because it makes me feel warm in all the right spots), may be different.  But you have to start. And have to NOT quit.

That's the tough part sometimes.  But it can be done.

I promise.