Thursday, December 15, 2011

Band Misuse and Abuse

Scene:  Amy on soapbox

A couple of recent events have led me to this post.  And please keep in mind, that I am just shooting from the hip here (which...if you have actually seen my aim with shooting instruments, you would be scurred)...but I have been thinking about how otherwise seemingly smart individuals can either misuse or abuse their bands. 

So, let's pretend that everything is black and white... really so I can lump these misusers and abusers into one of two categories. 

First, we have the Too Too Tighties.  Now I understand the need for restriction.  I know that in the beginning it is the holy bandgrail.  I mean, the band doesn't really work for you until you HAVE restriction right?

And I understand, and have participated in, and also condone...getting a fill when you need it.  Getting a fill when you feel like your eating habits need to be put in check, when your hunger is not only generated from your head...but your tummy.

I dig.

BUT, I do not understand being so tight for YEARS that you cannot, unless baby Jesus or Santa Clause gives you a special pass, get food down before noon.  Or just for s's and g's, what about being too tight for YEARS that you actually have trouble getting water down for a few hours every morning.  I'm sorry dude.  Not cool.  And a lot of us have been too know...after you beg your hot doc for a full cc.  But choosing to use your band in this way is dangerous.  And when you start to experience problems that are most likely a result of being too tight for so long...well...I want to say...did you not think that having this implanted device squeezing so tight for months and months wouldn't lead to issues?

Now to be fair and balanced, let us look at the other end of the misuse and abuse spectrum.  I am talking about those people that go through all the trouble to have surgery...but then never follow up with their doctors, never get fills, never put forth an effort...and then blame the band for the lack of weight loss.  WHAT DID YOU GET THE BAND FOR THEN?  If you werent going to stay in contact with your doctor, if you weren't going to go for fills...what did you think would happen.


Scene:  Amy starts rocking back and forth, muttering "The best way to spend Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear (Elf)"

Home Alone. Unsupervised.

Heather is out of town for the night (not too far away though) awaiting the birth of her first niece...and sadly...what I was looking forward to the most...was eating pasta with shit-tons of cheese, some bread with butter (um...Parkay), and ice cream.  And I have.

And it was goood.

Now I am in a food coma.

Is 7:54 pm too early for bed?

Last night we played the game "where-the-hell-is-the-camera-i-bought-you-for-your-birthday".  Which means I just started taking random Wednesday night pictures.  Here are the pigs waiting for Santa.

Me and the little lady.  As white as our little wife beaters.

And speaking of ladies...

So please excuse me while I go drink Pepsi right out of the 2-liter bottle.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Nearing The 3 Year Bandiversary

One of the pictures that really startled me.  In my mind...I didn't look like this. 

Same trip as picture above.  Probably somewhere around 325-330 pounds.

On the right: 12/4/2010 170 pounds.  On the left: today.  174 pounds

So hmmm.  I thought there would be a noticeable difference in my tone since last year...but there is not much.  That's okay.  Maybe I should be happier that at least there it's not worse. 

I took this picture below the other day.  I wanted to show you guys the difference in where my boobs ARE and where they should be...but then I heard my mother telling me my father says I share too much.  So I cropped the happy boob out (it's not like there was a nipple or anything), but its a close up of how my stomach is doing.
That scar there that you can see is my biggest one.  The remaining 4 have faded very nicely.

So that is the picture progress...I will try to work on something witty and amazing for the 3 year on January 27th.  Happy Monday.  It's practically over!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Friends...We Shall Begin Again

Have you ever been gone from Blogger for so long that you want to come back but you dont know where to start.  Like do you do a recap of your absence?  Do you just come out swinging talking about the profound thoughts you had this morning regarding vibrators?  Do you try to think of a funny bathroom related story?  I just couldn't decide.  So I will pretend that I havent been a bad blogger for the last...oh...million weeks.

Hi guys!  Seems like just yesterday that I posted.

Hope all you Stateside had a good Thanksgiving.  As it goes in the Gainey Clan, we spent most of the 4 days hunting.  Now, hunting down here involves dogs.  You let out your dogs and they run the deer, and then you spend most of the time hunting the DOGS in a pick-up truck.  No deer were killed.  Which Heather was a little bummed about because she is determined to kill one so we can have meat.

Here is a picture of me and Fisher.  We don't need real guns...with guns like these.

My Heather and "the other Heather".
Basically, me and "the other Heather" just rode in the backseat while Henry and my Heather were in the front seats doing serious hunting.  Now, when you head out for a day of hunting, you usually get out there around 5 am and may not come home for lunch or anything...until 5 pm.  So I come packing food okay?  I should of takin a picture.  But me and the other Heather would just sit in the back, blanketed in cheetos, chips and dip, bacon, biscuits, pringles, puppy chow.  It was awesome.  It would be 6 in the morning and we would say "um...could you pass me the bacon and pringles please".  Good times.  Good times.

Last week I took a hunters safety class where I got to shoot a bow, a rifle, and a shotgun.  It was totally hot.

I have been shopping for Christmas.  This year I am SO GOING ROGUE and buying people what I want.  No Christmas lists please and thank you.  Remember that Heather doesnt really "do Christmas". It stresses her out and makes her grumpy.  So I already bought her some boots she wanted and she is wearing them already.  But I have a few presents under the tree for her BECAUSE I WANT TOO!  She bought me a Columbia jacket in front of me, and I tickets to an Eric Church concert.  Which excites me in the naughty kind of way.  He is my new man crush.  In fact, the day I announced that he has passed Jennifer Nettles (from Sugarland) in the running for my heart...Jennifer announced she married some model dude.  Coincidence?  No.  I think not.  Clearly she was jealous.

On the weight front, its up a few pounds...around 174. But I aint worried. That's nothing a week of buckling down couldnt cure.  My band is el-loose-o, I think I will wait until January to get a fill.  I am not sure I want to go back to tight band living.  I like to eat with a little more freedom.

On the workout front, things are good.  I am still working on getting bigger muscles.  Lower body is getting a lot of well as my triceps.  A lot of sore muscles.  Mommy likes.

Hope this finds everyone well.

Until we meet again.


Monday, November 14, 2011

I Shall Rule The World

Last week while making my walk from our main hospital back to my office...quite a trapse across a very large parking lot, and whilst wearing heels...I decided something.

I am going to rule the world. 

It's pretty concrete.  Not much give.  It's certain.

Now, I don't really have a plan for world domination yet, but I think I will start at the organizational level of where I work.  You see, here is what I think the trick is.

If you DON'T know something...act like you do...until you do. 

For example, do you remember when you were a freshman or sophomore in high school and you thought that the seniors were SUPER smart or had  more life experience than you and thus they knew things...but then when you actually become a senior you realize you are just as stupid as a senior as you were as a freshman or sophomore...and if you only knew that WHEN you were a freshman or sophomore you would have done things differently?

Well I still assume that about some of my coworkers.  Like they are smarter than me.  And believe, some of them are.  But I am on to a few of them.  They just pretend to be really smart.  And it works for them. 

So, onward and upward folks. 

Let's dominate.

In other news.  I drank some water today. 

Happy Monday!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Picture Time!

Thought I would share some of the goings-ons with you from the past couple of weeks.  We are entering the "Pale Months" as I like to call them here in know...where it gets just a little too cool to sunbathe but still so humid that you have to turn your fan on high while putting up your Christmas tree.

A few weeks ago I was able to spend a Friday working at the navy base here.  We were cooking out for some of the workers who staff the food service and janitorial areas out at the base.  It was a really fun day.  In case you don't know it, I am a master griller.  I suppose one of the few things that makes me butch...that and my lady nuts.  But I know how to turn some hotdogs and flip some burgers mmmmkay?

That's my main man and coworker Rusty. He is camera shy. Much like myself.

This is me (duh) and my other main man, Dennis.  He's important people.  We were at a Breast Cancer walk.
For those of you who didnt see it on Facebook, 3 weeks ago, whilst playing the very dangerous game of co-ed slow pitch softball, Heather caught a pop-fly....with her face.  I was playing catcher, she was playing second.  And bc she is blind, and hardheaded, and needs glasses, she misjudged the ball.  When it hit her it made the worst sound.  She bent over and cupped her eye and when she moved her hand away...blood was pouring on the field.  So a trip to the ER and a cat scan later, she looked like this:

She is looking better now.  Just a bloody eyeball remains.  She will be going for her vision check up soon. 

And that's about it for picture time.  Oooh.  How about a few pet pics?  Kitty and Honey May are madly in love.  Honey May is our younger bulldog and can't ever get the crotchety old boys to spoon with her. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Here is the article I found, and like, that talks about skin.  One of our favorite concerns.

What causes the skin to sag after a significant weight loss?
“There is an inherent elasticity in everyone’s skin, but once you get to a certain size, the elasticity decreases,” explains Jason Spector, M.D., assistant professor of plastic surgery at Weill Medical College of Cornell University.

The tissue expands and your body literally makes more skin by producing more skin cells. And those annoying stretch marks? “They are the artifacts of the breakdown of the normal architecture of skin,” Spector says.

What are the biggest factors that determine my skin’s elasticity?
“The two biggest factors that determine skin elasticity are age and genetics,” Spector says. And, unfortunately,both are out of our control. How quickly you’ve gained the weight, as well as how quickly you’ve lost it, may also be a factor.

Losing weight over a longer period of time may give you more of a fighting chance. However, Spector says,there are no credible studies that show what a person can do to head off the excess skin as they’re losing weight.

Plan of Action: Slower weightloss – one to two pounds a week – can help with your skin’s elasticity.

What about my fitness routine?  Are there specific exercises I can do to tone up my skin?

“It isn’t that you’re toning up the skin itself,” says Cedric Bryant, Ph.D., chief science officer for the American Council on Exercise. “But by adding muscle, you can form a tight layer under the skin.” That can improve how the skin looks, and take away some of the sag effect.

Basically, the best course of action is to preserve your muscles while losing fat, Pino says. That’s especially important for people who have followed strict calorie restriction plans because they may have lost muscle right along with the fat.

You have to build the muscle backup again. “Endurance exercise will burn fat, but you also need to add strength training,” he says, noting that the skin of patients who do both tends to react better.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Come Here and Take Shelter Under My (bat)Wing

So much to talk about, so much to share.  Here is where we will begin.  We will start with the most current happenings and move backwards.

Tonight Heather spoke at our weight loss surgery support group.  She has known about this for months, and public speaking is not exactly her cup of tea.  It doesn't give her warm fuzzies.  She has eaten all of her fingernails, most of her cuticles, and perhaps an actual finger bone.  Do finger bones have a real name? 

So she had a list of questions submitted in advance and we made a little powerpoint.  Her focus, or topic, was strength training and how it pertains to the weight loss journey. There were tons of question about when, where, how much, how to build a butt, and how to get rid of skin and batwings.  She sited a pretty good article about skin and demonstrated different moves that target the triceps. During this time, a girl raised her hand and stood up.  She said she completely agreed with how important working out was, but that she had batwing surgery and still had droopy arms.  She showed her arms.  And yes, they had batwings. 

And then she started to cry.

She called herself disgusting.

And I knew I had to act quick.  Mainly because she was going to have me crying if she kept on.

So this is what I said.

"First of all, you are beautiful." (she was really cute)  And yes, we have batwings.  But what is the alternative?  I weighed 327 and was "full" but going to fat. No batwings.  Just fat arms. And there is a trade off.  We are healthy now, with a little bit of sag."

I went on to make some joke about how, like a flying squirrel I could jump off a building, spread my batwings and fly.  I talked about my they are like socks and tennis balls.  I tried to tell her that we are all jacked up somewhere...but it certainly doesn't make us disgusting.

We are better than when we started. 

And yes.  There are times when my saggy boobs, elephant inner thighs, loose belly, batwings, and cellulite all combine in some cataclysmic end of the world moment...and if it is paired with lack of sexy time...lord I am one ledge away from being labled a "jumper"...but most of the time I don't feel disgusting. 

And certainly, all my beautiful people, a little bit of crazy skin does not make us disgusting.  I hope I get a chance to meet that girl again so I can give her little Eskimo kisses or show her what I look like naked...okay...not totally naked...but you get my point.

Or perhaps I have no point.

Back to Heather.  She was supposed to talk for 30 minutes.  We barely managed to shut her up after an HOUR.  She did very good though.  Cracked a few jokes, told funny stories.  I am very lucky to have her as my girlfriend.

With that said, I heard a nasty rumor that someone said that I am an unfair example of how the lapband can work because I have Heather.


stop the record

Let it be known that Heather is the most amazing person I have ever met.  Let it be know that my muscles would not be what they are without her.  She is extremely motivating in the fitness sense...but also let it be known I lost 140-150 pounds before I fell madly in love with her.  And the one thing she cannot do is keep the food out of my mouth.  If having a personal trainer, or a nutritionist, or money made weight loss easy....OPRAH WOULD BE THIN.

I rest my case.

She keeps me pushing forward, but I do a little bit of the work as well.

I rest my case.


And yes...Dr. Friedman did come to support group to give me a hug. And for one brief moment in the doorway of the meeting room, I was sandwiched between Heather and Dr. Friedman.  It was like a dream.  In fact, I have actually had that dream...

but there were less clothes involved.

the end

Happy Tuesday!!!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Murphy's Law Of Secret Eating

For those of us who are secret eaters people who like to enjoy crap food in private, there are some things that are bound to happen as part of karmic retribution for hiding in our gluttony privacy.

1.  When you are eating in your car, and must finish your secret snack before arriving home, it will be the one time that you get every green light and there is absolutely no traffic...meaning you have to park at the corner of your road to shovel the food into your trap.

2.  When you hide the empty bag of chocolate chex mix in the oven, because your life partner never uses the oven, rest assured that the very next day they will decide to clean the oven...stumbling upon the evidence of your shame.

3.  Think it's safe to hide your Pepsi bottle in the vegetable drawer of the fridge while you unload groceries?  Think again.  Because your life partner will decide, just this one time to help you put up the broccoli.

4.  Try to sneak into the kitchen, which is directly behind the couch your life partner is setting on, to quietly open the bag of chocolate chips, which go oh-so-nicely with a little swig of milk...well, do not act surprised when the bag dumps over...scattering chocolate goodness all over.

5.  Hide a 12 pack of Pepsi behind a filing cabinet in your office because you happen to work with your damn life partner...who apparently also doubles as Inspector Gadget...because WHO LOOKS BEHIND SOMEONES FILING CABINET....and so help me...she will do it.  That very day.  THAT VERY DAY!

6.  And do you think that under your drivers seat is safe?  That you can stash all of  your candy bar wrappers there? Well wouldnt you know if that Go Go Gadget will clean your damn car out...and discover this stash, walk into the house where you are enjoying your weekend and stare at you...and stare at you...until you break down and confess.  Or make up a" NOT MINE!  I was just holding it for someone!!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

20 Hateful Things I Want To Say On Facebook...But Don't

There are times when, upon reading a Facebook status or seeing a certain picture, I want to say certain things to people on my newsfeed.  But I don't.  So I will say them my safe place.**

1.  You are stupid (this comes to mind a lot)

2.  I am going to need you to stop posting pictures of yourself taken in the car.  I understand the need for an occasional picture when you are feeling super cute.  However, I do not need to see 8 shots of you a day, taken in your drivers seat.

3.  Stop taking pictures of you food.  Again, if you have created something yummy...picture and post away. However, if you are at Applebees and are particularly excited about your baby back ribs....don't do it. 

4.  You are stupid.

5.  Are you really THAT angry?  Is your life really that terrible?  Are you really on the edge of the cliff EVERY day?  Suck it up could be worse.

6.  Hate you life?  Change it.

7.  Hate where you live?  Move (um...I do realize some of you may think this of little ol me when I am bitching about living on the temperature equivalent of the equator)

8.  Your child is ugly.  There.  I said it. *

9.  Just because it is Halloween does not mean you have to look like a trashy whore (okay...again.  I realize last Halloween I did try and dress up like a sexy teacher.  Listen.  It's do as I SAY, not as I do).

10.  You're stupid.

11.  I am going to delete you if you post one more damn music video.  I do not enjoy opening my news feed to see 14 consecutive video posts that fill my entire screen.  DO YOU THINK PEOPLE REALLY CLICK ON THEM?

12.  Are you 13?  Are you really calling your current girlfriend/boyfriends ex's out on facebook?  And are they even on your friends list?  Bc if they aren't...they cant see you calling them out!  DUH

13.  I love a good quote.  I love a good song lyric.  But if you can't EVER think of anything original to say...don't say anything.

14.  Again, are you 13?  Are you really posting your relationship drama on facebook.  Classy.

15.  I don't know who you are...but I approved you anyways.  It says we went to high school together.  I have no recollection of that ever really happening.

16.  That picture you selected as your profile picture.  No.  Rethink it.

17.  When you say things like "I can't believe this...THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER"...and then someone asks you "What?  What happened?" And you say..."I can't say on Facebook.  Send me a text"...I want to say THEN WHY DID YOU SAY ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?

18.  Are you Paris Hilton?  Why do you tilt you head and suck your cheeks in every picture?

19.  Please figure out how to use the self timer on your phone or camera.  Bc for the love of everything Holy, I dont' want to see another mirror shot.

20.  I wish I had the nerve to tell you that no one wants to read your bigoted political thoughts.  But instead of telling you that.  I am just going to hide you.  And pretend you don't exist.

*I do believe that there must be something that happens to a woman when she gives birth to a child...something genetic that makes it impossible to ever think your child is less than adorable.  It probably serves some evolutionary it prevented mothers from eating their young in days of famine.  I mean, I have ugly dogs.  But they are cute to me.  SO I kinda understand.  It's just sometimes when hateful Amy comes out...I think hateful things.  Go forth.  Procreate.

**Please realize I can say all of these things because I am perfect and never annoying***

***Please realize, the above statement was a lie.  I am not perfect and should be nicer. 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Weight Loss Surgery Body Building Competition

Last week I had a genius idea.  I want to start a body building competition for women who have weight loss surgery.  Of course, I am going to have to have some sponsors.  Possibly Spanx?  I know it can happen by the looks of the SWAG bags from BOOBS 2.0.  (and btw, I am totally going to BOOBS 3.0)

Anywhoozle, this is what I was thinking.

Last Sunday, I was eye-f*&*king myself in my bedroom mirrors, and in a moment of high self-esteem I thought...hey...not so bad for someone who has lost 300 pounds.

Okay fine, 160.

Whatever. Numbers

So then I thought that I will never be able to compete in a real body building competition bc there is the loose skin that ain't going anywhere...and the cellulite.  Those things stick around like stalkers that hide in your front bushes. 

But I could compete against OTHER weight loss patients.

Here are the rules so far:

1.  You will be placed in brackets by how much weight you have lost.
2.  You cannot have had any plastic surgery.

I KNOW!  This disqualifies some of you.  Not to worry.  You can be the judges!  And who doesn't love judging people when there are actual prizes involved.  And yes, if I ever get my  boobs lifted I will keep the no plastic surgery rule...

with the exception of boob lifts.



for real.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Drunk Blogging

I'm not.  But I could be.  And that's the point.

Now that I have my trusty at home laptop, along with this novel thing called internet, I can blog freely from home.  And I can do so snokered. (SUH-nah-curd)

I am one small glass of wine in.  And I even poured like a lady should pour.  You know, only about half full.  Because to be honest, mama likes her wine glass full up to the top.  You heard?

I have always longed for one of those jobs where you can have a sexy decanter or glass thingie full of  you favorite adult beverage.  Last night I decided I would become a lawyer just so I could drink brandy or whisky when I felt like it.  Although, it would probably be more along the lines of Patron or Miller Lite.  But you get my drift.  Maybe more work would get done if we were all a little tipsy. 

Anywhoozle, I remember the days of my single-dom, spent in my townhouse in Topeka, KS.  I would make me some fruity martini, light up a clove, and set down at my computer to type.  That's right.  I thought I was Carrie Bradshaw.

I have another confession to make, now that I am almost at the bottom of my glass of wine.  It's so tricky making confessions on my blog, now that I know my family members, and a smattering of important work collegues read this thing.  But you know me....boundaries are for sissies.

You should know that my mood and self-worth are directly correlated to how often Heather and I do the dirty dancing.  And of course by dirty dancing, I mean sex.

  You see, as Heather has put it, I am like a teenage boy when it comes to sexy time.  I could do it several times a day, every day....with Heather.  This is honestly the first time in my life that I have been in a relationship that I wanted to have sex a lot.  Usually, historically I should say, sex has been a "duty".  But now, I just like it.  And it's not about getting off, because let us be frank.  I could do that in 60 seconds on my own if that was the case.  It is about a connection.  It is about a wanting and a desire.  And really, its about feeling wanted and desired in return.  And I suppose I could warrant some therapy sessions as it relates to linking sex with love and desire.  Because when I am thinking clearly, Heather shows me in so many ways that she loves me, wants me, and thinks I am as hot as [insert really hot person here].  But it boils down to this...because I want to jump her bones 99% of the time, I get my feelings hurt when she doesn't want to jump mine.  And then I start to   You know what I am talking about....

The negative self talk.  And if there is one thing I am good at, it is talking shit to myself in my head.  It's terrible and impressive all at the same time.

And so there you have it.  And I know it sounds crazy when everything else in my life is awesome...that I let this one thing bring me down.  And today is a good day because last night we talked about it at length, and then this morning....I got me a piece.  But I know I need to work on my feelings about this on my side.  I need to find clarity in moments of confusion. 

So happy Saturday friends!  I hope you find yourself with a nice bottle of wine or water (for those of you who are good and faithful bandsters), with the people you love, appreciating the good things in life. 

Hugs and kisses until next time.  Or until I drink a little more and then take naked pictures of myself or tell you about inappropriate dreams.

xoxo-your crazy Amy

Friday, October 21, 2011

It's Official: I Cannot Hit a Ball But I am Precious When I Try

Last night one of my worst fears was realized. 

That's right.  I actually had to play softball on Heather's co-ed slow pitch team. 

I prepped her team.  Tried to get them to really  understand that I cannot hit the ball.   They didn't believe me.  I mean, in their defense, I LOOKED GOOD.  I had my UnderArmor spandex on for God's sake.  I had a fresh haircut.  I was nonverbally screaming "Sexy Softball Player". 

I was last in the line up.  I was hoping for an improtu hurricane, an off season Kansas tornado in Florida.  Something.  ANYTHING.

I got up there to bat.  I was literally shaking.  You could see it from the dugout.

I took a deep breath.  Winked at the pitcher (thought maybe it would help).  And I promptly struck out.

I was welcomed back to the dugout with cheers and pats on the back.  The guys and girls on the team were amazing.  They weren't angry.  I didn't poop my pants.

Next several times up to bat, I walked.  Woo, that was close.  I even almost made it to 3rd base once but ran too far past it, touched the line coach and got out for touching.

Yes.  You can't touch the line coach.  Huh. Or he can't touch you.  Go figure I would get out in a softball game for inappropriate touching.

They named me MVP of the first game.  I felt very loved.  And very terrible at softball.  I made friends with the ump at homeplate, chatted up cute fellas in the dugout.  And never once did I feel like the FAT girl who couldnt play.  I just felt like the silly cute girl who couldn't play. 

That's progress huh?  I think so.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Lost Blogger & Butch Auto Body Shop

I have to tell you that sadly, I have not blogged in weeks. NOR have I read a blog in weeks.  That would be a record for me.  You know, the kind of record that is not a good thing.  Like the record for the longest time you sat on the toilet, or the record amount of blackheads on your chin.

It's nothing to be proud of.  And do you know WHY I have been a sadsack of a blogger?  It's a 4 letter word.


Okay seriously.  I will come clean with you and tell you that I have pretty much lived my life guided by the thought of those people who say "I am SO busy at work that I cant [fill in the blank] were full of horseshit. 

I have always been like..."really?  REALLY YOU ARE SO BUSY?" 

Well it has happened to me.  My coworker flew to the coup to become a flight attendant (pun points please), which left me alone to run and man the Education & Training department that used to be run by 3 people.  Oh...I got a promotion.  So now I am the manager of said department.  Very exciting.  Very draining.  Because do you know what it means to be the only person in a department?  That if something goes wrong....

there is no one else to blame. 

And I have been spending these past few weeks cleaning, organizing, teaching, and doing my job plus the job of my lost coworker.

And funny thing is, now I have my very own laptop again so I could theoretically, blog from home once more (if you remember my computer was stolen last year).

But it also turns out that when you are so mentally and physically drained from work, you are a zombie when you get home.

The end.  Those are my reason.  I blog in my head almost everyday.  I think of you guys.  I think of actually typing my thoughts out...

and thanks to one Miss Dawnya Ivey I have returned.  A little FB message was all it took. 

During my hiatus, or blogging sabbatical, life has continued.  I am actually a wreck on the inside of my head most days.  My spirit is in a little bit of disarray and I can't really organize my thoughts or find my hopeful outlook as easy as I usually can.  I blame this on the fact that work has my brain so scrambled, it doesn't leave much internal reflection time.

We went to Defuniak this weekend and I took a little four-wheel ride to the clay pit by myself and was literally talking out loud trying to figure things out.  I am struggling with self worth.   Most days I have to fight this feeling of worthlessness.  These are usually the feelings that hit me 2 days or so before my period, and then scatter like dog peter flies in the wind for the remainder of the month.  But they are sticking around.

I am sure that mentally things will start to find the upswing. 

But.  It's rough going for your girl.

I am still working out though.  I certainly would have taken "a break" because I am "so busy" if not for Heather.  So my weight is holding steady.  That is a good thing.

Here is a picture from the weekend.  Henry (Heather's cousin who we stay with everytime we go up to Defuniak...about an hour from where we live...and remember Henry is married to the wonderfully patient and kind 'other Heather') is restoring a car so we spent hours on Sunday cleaning parts that had something to do with the steering column or something. 

See that purple power container?  Well that's what we were using to remove years of gunk and grime.  I say to Henry about 30 minutes into the cleaning project, "What do the instructions say about how long to leave it on".

Henry says "I dont know, I dont read instructions".

So I look at the back and before I can get to the instructions I see something that says "If this product comes in contact with the skin, seek medical help immediately, take your stupid ass to the emergency, you may die". 

Or something real close.  So that is why we are wearing gloves in the picture.  A little too late as my hands have been peeling all week.

Oh silly instructions. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Amy's Got A Gun

While a good number of you were living like high class ladies (well, perhaps...not ladies, bc I have seen some pictures that may indicate otherwise) in Chicago, I was hunting birds.  That's right.  I am a bird hunter.  It's dove season.  Poor little symbols of peace.  Not to fear though...only one dove lost it's life due to my hunting prowess, and yes...I ate it for dinner.  I will go out on a limb (bahaha....bird pun) and say that many of you have not eaten dove...because I had not ever partaken myself.  Well, it's a lot of work to shoot those suckers, and you only can eat the breast, which is about 2 ounces...maybe.  And it's kinda gamey.  So, I won't be shooting said doves anymore.  Because I hunt to eat people....mmmkay?  In fact, this pretty little bovine below was just about 5 feet from me most of the time, giving me the stink eye...and I decided I would rather be a cow hunter or chicken hunter...because at least I could ENJOY the food part.

That's me.  Don't I look like an official hunter?

Heather and her dad....Rusty.  Heather is blind as a bat these days, and refuses to get her eyes she spent most of the time shooting clouds.  Or butterflies that she thought were birds.
This is our new gun.  Its a camo shotgun and not only is it our FIRST family gun, it's hot. I am jealous of it myself and I own it.  I am shooting clay pigeons here.  Or trying to shoot them...
This is Henry and Heather's dog (the other Heather), Dixie.  I mean...come on. How cute is she?
Fisher took me on a four wheeling adventure on Sunday.  The four wheeler would only go into first gear...otherwise I dont ride with Fisher...he is frightening.
It was a great weekend.  We havent been to Defuniak since early June bc we have been busy, or they have been busy, or we have been broke, or out of town.  But now that hunting season is starting, and we are armed...and because we missed them so much...we are going to be up there more often.

To get my hunting license, I have to take a hunting course....that children can take as well.  that will be good fun!  I get to shoot a shotgun, a rifle, a hand gun and a bow and arrow!   You guys wanna come?

I had to stay off facebook this weekend as much as possible because all the Chicago updates were killin me.  Killing me smalls.  Maybe next year.  Or why dont you all come and visit me?  Sounds good.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Like My Ass

In spandex.

Yes.  I said it.

Who would have though.  NOW, it is important to note that I believe there must be "high quality" spandex and "low quality", and it should be noted that I may not like my ass in the low quality, but these UnderArmour compression capri's, which I will call my "running capris" regardless of whether I run in them or not...

make me feel SASSY!  You can find them here if you want to read about them. I mean who doesn't want to read about them?

Anyways, I really never thought the day would come when I wore spandex.  Not at home.  Not in public.  Certainly not to run or work out.  Because mama has hella cellulite on the thighs and assticles.  And you can see a few of these precious dimples in these pants, but not a lot.  I am sorry the picture is poor quality.  I will take a better one.  And Operation Booty pop looks the most pronounced in these pants.  Its like I almost have a bubble butt!

So my point is...well I don't really have usual.

BUT, I have been afraid to try these on and finally summon the courage.  I am glad it turned out in my favor.

I do have a question for those of you who already own such workout pants.  Mine fall down when I run.  They only way I can prevent it is if I pull the bottom of the legs up into my knee crook.  Too big?  Too small?  Too much jiggle?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I used to have Gun-gas

I know I blog a lot about my little itty bitty titties.  I know.  I KNOW.  I will be honest with you that it has become my obsession.  Not so much the size, although I am often amazed at how tiny they are these days, but I am ashamed of how much they sag.  I call them my little aborigine titties.  Which I am sure is politically incorrect, but they are very National Geographic.  And Heather says she loves the little guys (and who wouldn't because you can move them just about anywhere).'s about time to get a plastic surgery consult for a lift.  I dont care or need them to be bigger.  I just want them away from my belly button.

When I wear certain sports bras, they are almost none existant.

Exhibit A:

I would like to share with you my new shirt courtesy of Heather. 
I love it.  I am wearing it to Zumba in just few minutes.  If you look close enough, you can actually see my port baby.  Its that thing sticking out from below the swoosh.

It's my one ab.

Happy Tuesday!

Things That Make Me Want to Poop

Heather plays softball (insert: cliche Lesbian joke).  And she is really hot when she does it.  It's co-ed rec softball.  She even wears these little compression shorts under her regular shorts...and they are just like Spanx.  SPORTS SPANX!
Who would have known they make sports spanx?  Well, I assume some of YOU who are sporty...but not this girl.

Anyways, I digress.  So the other night when Heather was playing ball, they had told her they may need me to fill in....

as in...

I may need to PLAY SOFTBALL.

I immediately started to get diarrhea. 

You see, I played softball when I was in elementary school.  My dad was always the coach. And I don't necessarily remember being terrible, I do remember getting in trouble for playing in the dirt whenever I got stuck in outfield and I remember him yelling "JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL" when I was trying to bat.  Which is the stupidest thing someone can tell you because I DO keep my eye on the ball, the entire time it is whizzing by me.

In fact, I used to work with children who had behavior disorders (for about seven years in a school setting), and I often organized recess activities.  And so I took these k-5th graders out to play softball one day.  Now some of these kids had motor skill issues...mmmkkkay?  And they managed to hit the ball just fine.  But when Miss Amy (that would be me) got up to swing...missed.  Every.Single.Time

They laughed.

I cried a little on the inside.

I havent attempted batting since.

You see, I swing like a champ.  And heaven help my competitors if I ever actually made contact.  But now I have psyched myself out...permanently...

What if I shame Heather?  What if they revoke my girl lover card?  I am still waiting for my official Lesbian Card to arrive in the mail.  What if they catch wind I can't play?

Makes me want to poop.

Anyways, I in fact did not have to play that night.  Wooo, but the season is young.  So I told Heather we need to get me to the batting cages ASAP so I can get over this mental block.

BUT, there is some good news.  Yesterday a new employee came into my office and asked...get this...

"Did you ever play softball?  You look like a softball player?" there is hope! 

A Lap-band App!

I just got an email from Allergan letting me know there is now a Lapband app!  Huh.  Who would have thought.  You can click here to read more about it or watch a video.  I am going to download is ASAP and have a whack at it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Well it has been a hot minute since I have checked in my friends!  I realized I haven't said nairy a word since BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY (which was September 8th if you want to put it in your calendar for next year).  I turned 20-12.  It was very low key.  Last year we went out and got drunk and ended up having a little tift if you will, a little alcohol induced argument, so this year I wanted a nice romantic dinner with my girlfriend, starring me.  We went to one of my favorite restaurants on the beach, where my only stipulation was that I could order whatever I wanted to eat and she couldn't give me ANY "oh I can't believe you are about it eat that" glances.  I had an appetizer of onion straws, a main course of steak marsala (about 10 ounces which I ate all of it) and a brownie and ice cream for dessert.  I will tell you my restriction is pretty loose (see the 10 ounce steak statement) and I was actually FULL.  Like, real human being without a band, food in my lower stomach full.  I havent felt that way really, since getting banded.  I remember now how horrible that feeling is.  But it was GOOD. 

Heather bought me a new camera for my birthday, which meant we had to have a self-timer photoshoot on the beach after dinner.  If you are on my facebook, you have seen some of these already...
 This one below I like to call the "Birth Announcement", or in otherwords, "my life partner is pregnant with our love child" announcement.   I am not pregnant, but the placement of Heather's hand makes it seem otherwise. 
 I also mentioned awhile ago that I had a conference in Charlotte this week.  Tonight I am actually getting to meet Nat from The Poky Little Cupcake.  Our hotel has a little pond by it.  Hence the pond shot below.  I am excited to meet Nat, however, I am concerned that I will be drunk by the time we meet at 8:30.  Free drinks at the conference start in 15 minutes.  Good lord.
 Here is another shot from my birthday.
 My parents are house/dog/kitty sitting for us while we are gone.  We went boating in Pensacola before we left and went to Ft. Pickens on Pensacola Beach.  This is Big Al and me (my dad).  Like father like daughter.
I have more to blog about, like the fact that Heather bought me my first pair of spandex UnderArmour Running Capris and I feel like a sexy beast in them, but they fall down when I run.  So I will blog about that maybe later. 

But I must go.  There is free wine to be had.  And mama likes free wine.  And nooners.  Did I mention Heather is here with me?  Vacationing whilst I work?

Toodles my friends!

Friday, September 2, 2011

You Can't Handle The Truth

*could you hear me using my Jack Nicholson voice?*

I have found that in life, most people do not want to hear the truth.  They may think they want to hear the truth, but usually what most of us mean is...I want you to sugarcoat it and spin it so it makes me feel better about myself.

Like when your friend decides to die their gorgeous brunette hair, jet black because they think it will make their eyes pop, and they ask you, "Do you like it".  They don't really want to hear..."um...NO.  You look like a goth Emo kid who huffs spray paint behind Pizza Hut".  They want to hear "It's pretty".  So instead you say "I DO like it (your voice goes higher when you say DO), but I LOVED it brown.

See.  A little sugarcoat dusting.

Most of the time I don't want to hear the truth when it comes to being "stuck" on the scale.  I actually want someone to gently rock me, all the while brushing my hair and whispering things like, "ssshhh baby, it's just genetics.  Or water weight.  Or maybe the scale is broken.  Or maybe your body just likes chilling at __insert whatever weight__, and I am sure that the snicker wrappers you have hidden in your car, or your lack of exercise, or your midnight binging have nothing to do with are pretty".

But, I should go ahead and tell you just to make sure I havent fooled you since the beginning, I am no exercise physiologist or smart person.  I majored in Communication.  But lately I have been having moments of clarity about this being stuck bullshananigans. 

I keep repeating to myself "Up Your Game".  And that is what it boils down to for MOST of us don't you think?  We KNOW where we can improve.  If we are really honest with ourselves, usually we can identify those areas that we can do better.

What's ironic is that I started writing this post yesterday, and get to live it and eat my own words as I type today.  You see, I gained three pounds over Travis's visit.  Not the end of the world.  But I did expect it to be nearly gone by today.  Yesterday I did ran a mile, did circuit, sweated like a dirty hog, then did Zumba after work...again...sweating like a dirty hog.  Not to mention, I ate "Really Good".

And do you know what I had lost after all of this hardwork and exercise?  .2 pounds.  yeah.  POINT TWO.

And this is where the honesty came in.  I worked out really hard yesterday.  I couldn't have asked for more really.  But this is what I ate:

Breakfast:  Protein bar and milk (probably about 2 cups)
Lunch:  Tomato soup with feta cheese
Snack: 3 pieces of celery with peanut butter and raisins on top
Dinner:  I tried steel cut oatmeal and decided it was as horrible as I thought it would be so I heated up a chicken casserole left over (about a cup) and had two pieces of toast with butter and cinnamon sugar.  YUM

Pretty good for me I must say.  I drank about 60 ounces of water.  And probably consumed 5 cans of diet pop. you see what I mean?  Even though it was a "really good day", I could have done better.  I could have drank more water.  Cut out all of the diet soda.  Not eaten the toast, etc.  If the scale is not moving for me...then I have to reevaluate.

I have to be honest. 

And I think it is important to realize that my crazy workout schedule, or someone else's immaculate food consumption may NOT be what you need to do.  If you barely work out now, well then hell, 3 days a week of solid cardio or weights might be your jump start.  For me, it would be moving backwards....but we are all different.  It really comes down to improving YOU.  Not doing what works for someone else. 

Oh yes.  Don't you love it when you stumble across a weight loss thought that really relates to life as a whole?

I do.  I feel like Yoda. 

However, Yoda probably wouldn't have let the .2 loss turn him into a grumpy bitch.  DAMN IT.  I wish I was perfect.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Saga of The Deflated Boobs: Episode 341

Look! Amy has nice full boobies!

Happy Thursday.  May your cups runneth over.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Return Of Zumba & My New Favorite App

Last night I convinced a couple of my coworkers to go to Zumba with me.  I havent gone in at least a year, and they were both Zumba virgins.  You may remember Lisa, my former biggest loser partner at work (she lost 30 pounds during those 3 months and went from a size 8/10 to a 2/4...and this means she gives me all of her "old" clothes...which I love.  She has a heap load of 8's to give me...once I get there).  Wayne was the only guy in a sea of about 50 women.  I am letting Lisa wear my jingly skirt bc it makes everything better.  Both of them will be purchasing one for next week.

I decided to go to Zumba again because I am on a quest to up my cardio game.  Because my little love muffins, we all know that the old cliche phrases of : If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...well, we know deep down inside that those are true (at least 99% of the time).  I can't expect to lose more weight if I keep doing what has been maintaining my weight for a year.

So, off to Zumba I went.  And sweet jingle jangle, I forgot how intense the cardio is!  It's even harder than running for me.  Within about 2 minutes snot was flying out of my nose, my non-waterproof mascara (don't buy mascara when you are in a hurry) was running and I looked like a sweaty Cleopatra, and I am pretty sure I was moments away from a heart attack.

But I prevailed.

And Lisa and Wayne loved it so much we are going every Tuesday night.  Awesome.

I also have a new running app that almost makes me want to run more. You could use it for walking as well.

It's the Nike + GPS app and it costs $1.99.  I have had several free versions before and found them lacking or inaccurate.  This app lets you build playlists right into it, talks to you if you want, you can sync with Facebook and it updates your facebook when you hit milestones and people can cheer for you and it tells you (I havent used that feature).  My favorite thing is it tracks your route and your pace.  You can see mine above.  Its color coded.  The dark dark red is where I stopped to tie my shoes, and the lighter red/yellow is where I was dying and hoping for a flying carpet to return me to home.

Its kinda fun though.  Like a game.

I have several meetings this afternoon, and I would rather wrap myself in barbwire and fry pork skins in a vat of grease naked, but I will persevere!  It's a three day weekend coming up for most of us.  I intend on abstaining from the hooch (beer, not diet sunkist), running at least once and doing hot yoga Saturday morning.

Kisses until next time!


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Weekend Recap

Well let me tell you friends, Travis's visit was actually a blast.  Both he and Heather love each other, him and my other light in the loafers bestie Nathan hit it off like two little queers in a pod, and we all had tons of fun.  We spent lots of time in the water, either at the beach or on the river.  We ate good food, and yes...drank too much.  As a result of such fun, I am up 3 pounds.  168.2 on Monday's weigh in.  Not too worried about it, although I would have liked to maintain.  My goal for next Monday is to lose those three and one more for good measure and plan on seeing 164 on Mr. Scale. 

We went tubing on Saturday, and we were waiting for our pick up.  When I met Travis at the airport, I was able to jump on him and wrap my legs around him....without the fear of snapping him in half.
This is what I like to call my sexy finger pose.  Please note the finger to the lips and the pointed toe.  Both very key.  That's Nathan loving me up.

Travis and I getting ready to rope swing. Oh my thigh...always large and in charge.

Sunday afternoon. Pensacola Beach.  Me and me lady.

Back on track today my friends!  What is so tricky about sugar and junk food is that it only really takes on slip for it to come back and rare its ugly, but delicious, head.  When you are trying to eat healthier, you will notice the first week is the hardest, and then it gets a little easier.  BUT, if you happen to eat a Sonic Oreo must make sure not to give into your brain telling you MORE MORE MORE.

It really wasnt the eating that gave me a good 3 pound gain.  It was the drinking.  Damn you jello shots and beer!

Life is short though.  And when you friend is visiting, you may indulge...a smidge.

Happy Tuesday!

edited for Tessie Rose:  When he saw me, he just said "its so weird I can pick you up".  Or "its so weird you can dress like that", or "it's so weird that you are so small".  It wasnt as exciting as I would have hoped! 

Swimsuit Posing: 101

When posing in a swimsuit, one must be fully aware of their angles.  Also, be looking for props or humans that can block or shield any less than flattering body parts.

Example #1:  The tube hide
Note how the tube is hiding my dangly stomach.  Well played Miss Workman.

Example #2:  The Human Shield
If you can use people around you to block are golden.  Stay golden PonyBoy.

Yet sometimes, even with this large swath of knowledge, there are swimsuit photo shoot mishaps.  Please see below:
Um...first, I am not sure why I hooked my thumb into my skin/fat side meat and pulled it forward in such a fashion.  Mistake #1.  And then...the thigh cellulite.  Damn you hail damage!

Monday, August 22, 2011

A visit from my far away friend

I know that I have mentioned my friend Travis before...oh at least once or twice.  In a nutshell, Travis and I had a little relationship that was terribly toxic for several years.  I "loved" him.  I was a doormat.  Travis was a drama queen.  You know, a classic case of girl-loves-boy-and-boy-treats-girl-like-shit-because-it-turns-out-boy-likes-boys-and-Amy-doesn't-have-a-penis-and-the-end.

Because when someone is unhappy with their lives, and they want to take it out on someone, and you LET them take it out on you...guess what happens my friends?  They usually DO.  But we were best friends with benefits for awhile.  And then just best friends.  But somehow I never really got over being lied to and some of the hurt, and so now we just text a lot.  The last time he came down was 3 years ago.  Before surgery and right in the middle of dating Tracey.  And Tracey was insanley jealous of Travis, Travis had a horrible little boyfriend that reminded me of an insect one needs to swat and kill, and wasn't very enjoyeable for anyone involved.

Well he is coming to visit us on Thursday! 

I am excited to see him.  I wonder if it will be weird for him to see that I am not 327 pounds.  The above picture was his last visit.  He has never known me smaller than 209.  209 is what I had dieted down to in 2001 for a trip we took...and I was conviced he would love me smaller.


We are SO stupid sometimes.

Anywhoozle, he is staying at our house.  I am a little I am whenever I feel like I have to balance people's feelings.  Like, I want to make sure he is being nice and that Heather is comfortable, and he is comfortable, and blah blah blah. 

We are going to the Melting Pot Thursday night, having a boardgame/Wii dance party Friday night, Hot Yoga on Saturday, tubing either on Saturday or Sunday, brunch on Sunday, possibly the beach, and he leaves on Monday.  Wooo....jam packed.

Somewhere in all that fun, I have to try to avoid copious amounts of drinking, find time to workout, and keep my eye on the goal.  I am sad my camera is broken.

My birthday is coming up on September 8th.  I will be 27....again.  Nothing big planned.  I think I want to go to a nice dinner for my bday, just me and my lady.  I am thinking Hemmingways on the beach and then maybe some beach necking under the moonlight afterwards.  My parents are coming down that following weekend to dog/house sit for us because I have a conference that entire next week in Charlotte, NC.  Anyone close by?

Toodles for now!  Happy Monday

Let Us Hug: Goal Setting Monday

Well chitlins,  my goals for last week were no beer, no wine, and 2 additional days of cardio. 

I achieved 2 out of 3.  On Wednesday we took off work (MAN...everyone should take Wednesdays makes the work week much more doable) to go tubing with friends whose parents were in town from Montana.  I was forced to shotgun a beer...even though I tried to tell them that PHYSICALLY I think my band makes it impossible...(they didnt listen but soon would have a clear understanding) I drank about half a beer.

And then threw it right up.  In front of them.  That'll teach them.

And then on Friday night I sipped about half a beer as well.

As for working out, I did circuit 5 times, ran on Friday morning, Hot Yoga on Saturday, and ran on Sunday afternoon.

Let me tell you that Hot Yoga was a different instructor this time, bc cute Colleen was "sick". He was very surfer dude, wore cotton shorts that became inappropriate at times, and talked to damn much!  It was also much harder than last weekend bc the girl next to me said she wanted to do "core work" and mommy hates core work.  We did do headstands again, and I have decided that this will be my next move to master.

I havent even tried it yet...but I will let you know. I don't even know how to get in this position.  It could be tragic.  I should have Heather video the first attempt.

Broke out the old polka dot dress this morning. Makes me feel sassy. Also makes me feel that one squat down without holding the sucker and it could be HELLO WORLD!  I have to squat like a lady. 

Last week I weighed in at 171.4, today it was 165.4.  6 pound loss.  Good times.