Monday, March 30, 2009

I've lost...that loving FILLING!

Just kidding. I still love it. This is my handstand. Impressive yes?
Anyways, I had my first PB tonight. I ate about 3/4 cup of creme of chicken soup and thought that I would try my sliced peaches. I got about one down...and it just sat there in my throat. About 5 minutes went by and I could tell my slobber wasnt really going down. So, I slowly walked to the bathroom and up came this...well....I dont know. White foam? Thats it. Very strange. But I feel better.
Note to self: Self, your fill must be working. Must slow down.

Third Time Is A Charm

YO! How is everyone doing? Okay. I have been waffling back and forth all weekend about getting a fill. After I ate a sandwich a-ok last week, I called my doctors office and asked if I could get in for another fill. I had a few worries:

1. They may think I am stalking Dr. Friedman. Seriously, I had just been in there a week prior for a fill I called to request. AND, I had just sent the cutest Thank You card to him bc today is Dr Appreciation Day. So, my request for another fill so early and the fact I sent the man a singing card could equal obsession in some eyes.

2. That once I got into the office they would tell me no...I cannot have another fill. And that they would refer me to the psych who did my consult for pre-surg.

3. OR, I didnt really need a fill at all. This is all in my mind.

So, just to recap...after my second fill I did feel a difference. I had to wait between bites, put my fork down...wait. Sometimes I could feel certain things sitting in my throat for about a minute. However, I could still eat a "normal meal", like a chicken breast, veggies, half a slice of cornbread. More than the recommended 4-8 oz that one should feel satisfied with due to proper restriction. I also ate a sandwich. This is usually the question doctor Friedman asks to determine restriction.

I went to my appt today. He hadnt got my card yet. So I told him about it of course. He didnt even know it was Dr. Appreciation Day. I told him that is bc I heard doctors think every day is about them. He laughed.

He told me that I am just not at restriction yet and yes he would give me a fill. He reminded me that I have lost 4 pounds since I saw him 11 days ago. He also told me to stop weighing myself everyday.

So, I laid back on the table and he gave me my numbing shot. Ouch burn. Then, he poked me with the real needle and I felt it! He missed my port and poked around for a few seconds. It hurt. I said...Yep, I get it. You dont want me to come back before my next appt and you are teaching me a lesson. He laughed. Perhaps an evil laugh?

Anyways, I asked him how he knew he found it and wasnt just shooting saline in my stomach. He said bc he withdraws all of the saline and puts new back in. That made me feel better. He ended up giving me 1cc fill, which brings me to 6.5 ccs roughly.

We will see how this goes as I progress! Happy Monday everyone.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Super Botox Me-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

So, I just happened to see on my iGoogle yesterday that this journalist on the BBC decided she wanted to prove that smart women (or women with a higher IQ) don't get plastic surgery. She went to a professional photographer, and had her headshot taken...sans make-up. That was her BEFORE picture. Then, she sent the picture to a professional photoshopper, and he retouched it. That was her AFTER picture. I couldnt find a side by side, but this was her before picture.

She decided to go to come to the States for her plastic surgery visits bc apparently its not as big on the other side of the pond. What turned out happening was very interesting. In a course of a week or so, she had 70 + injections and this horrible laser thing that burnt off or ate off the top 30 % of her skin. She quickly became addicted. What I thought was so very interesting, and relevant to our weight loss journeys is that she said something like this: She became so obsessed with the idea of her "after" picture that she started to really resent her "before" picture. In other words, we get this idea of what we should look like...what we see as this perfect or ideal after picture, that we start to resent our "before" selves. It is easy to slip into an obsessive compulsive mentality in our quest to become perfect. Kinda deep right?

Just wanted to share! Happy Friday!

Oh, apparently she also did a show called Super Skinny Me. I think it might be on YouTube. If I watch that one I will get back to you.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Talking Trash About Yourself, PMS, and Other Hateful Things

Okay ladies (I dont think any men read this)...I am PMSing. Which means that I cry at random times. I dont get bitchy. I dont get cramps. I just cry. Like if a commerical comes on...doesn't matter if it is about the new might make me cry.
So, I havent been working out like I should. Tracey hurt his knee and he was my walking partner. Even though he would run most of the walk, he would still meet back up with me, talk to me, keep me motivated. Now he cant do that. And I am pouting and making excuses. Last night I didnt go walking. And in I think Tracey is in a really difficult place that many supportive partners of any of us trying to lose weight find themselves. He doesnt want to harp on me, but he wants to push me to succeed, but he doesnt want to push too hard and make me mad, but he doesnt want to not push at all and appear that he doesnt care. Do you guys know what I am talking about? So, i felt like I let him down last night by not going, but I really let myself down I cried.

Then, we were laying on the couch and I was looking at my sausage fingers and asked "Do you think I will always be fat"? What a horrible question. Tracey said he couldnt answer that bc I am not fat to him. So...I cried.

Poor Tracey. He already feels like he is letting me down bc his knee is hurt. Which is not true at all. Clearly, from what I just wrote...I need emotional support more than anything. It's hard for him bc he is going to turn 43 this year, and I will be turning he feels like an "old man". He has his MRI on Tuesday. Hopefully it will be something they can fix.

It is supposed to rain here in Pensacola for the next 5 years. Or at least until Saturday...whichever one comes first. So, since my 5k is April 4th...the first chance I get I am doing my full walk!

Things I Am Thankful For

Summer 2006, probably 240-265lbs

It's HumpDay! We are half-way through the work week. I am thankful for that. As I was reading a post on LBT talk today about things people are going to look forward to once they lose weight, I was reminded of how lucky I am in regards to my weight "issues". Believe me, I have quite a few, but there are several that have plagued many that have not been huge for me. So...

I am thankful that:

  • I was raised in the water, on a boat, at the lake, etc. I was always in a swimsuit, and I think that is why I have never been so embarrassed about my body in a swimsuit that I cover it up or avoid it all together. One of the most wonderful things my parents gave me was my love of the water. Many of my favorite memories revolve around being in a swimsuit. And I am still making them.
  • I have always been active. I am lazy. Dont get my wrong. LOVE the couch and the tv. But, I always have danced. I went through pretty substantial bouts of working out. I swim. And I have always worked on keeping my flexibility up that I worked so hard for during my years of structured dancing.
  • That I never let me weight make me a wallflower. I was never going to be the fatgirl in the corner hiding. I was always the fat girl on the stage making others laugh. Disclaimer: I think both are extremes. And I could probably spend a good amount of therapy dealing with this issue.
  • That I have never been camera shy. When people say they don't have pictures of themselves bc they always hid from the camera. That makes me sad. Sad bc big girls are beautiful too. And sad bc I think pictures are a wonderful way to document your life.
  • I am thankful that I am in RELATIVELY good health for a morbidly obese person. Would that be an oxy moron? Healthy obese. What I mean, is that I was right on the line of things getting bad. My blood pressure was still good, my cholesterol was fine, no sleep apnea, no diabetes, etc. And now...hopeful it will just get better.

And that's all. I have tons of things that I am thankful for, but I wanted to keep it weight related. For now anyways :)

Monday, March 23, 2009

I have to Vent

Okay. So, someone just gave me a caps lock ANYWAY on lapbandtalk. Listen, if you any of you know Myers-Briggs types, I am an ENFJ...what that translates too...I am the ultimate people person. Conflict and me are like oil and water. I dont like it. I want everyone to like me. However, I believe that if someone is saying derogatory things about a group of people...I need to say something. So let me give you the Cliff Notes of what transpired.

The other person: "Gay men stick gerbils up their butt"
Me: "Um...urban legend. I know lots of gay men and none of them have stuck gerbils up their ass".
The other person: "and, if a straight guy wants to try things up his butt, he is probably gay"
Me: "no, again...not true"
Another other person: "Oh, its not an urban legend. My mom works at a hospital and..."
Me: "Well isnt that how all urban legends start...with an I know someone who saw it once". I dont like statements that hint at bigotry".
Original other person: "I wasnt talking about it couldnt be a bigoted statement. ANYWAYS!"

End of recap

So, I removed myself from the thread. I dont want to argue. But I didnt like the implications. Now that I have vented. I fill better. Sorry if this is random.

I would just like to add this is what I get for leaving the section of Lapbandtalk that deals with the actual lapband. Lesson learned.

Random Thoughts For The Day

  1. I would like to be a stay at home girlfriend.
  2. Sometimes when I am talking about, or reading a post and someone refers to LapbandTalk as LBT, I think lesbian-bisexual-transgendered. Does anyone else?
  3. With my second fill came restriction. It is definetly not severe, but it makes me slow down and I have had to cut back on bread and that kind of thing. I was in a mood this weekend bc of this. It took me a little while to figure out why I was in this funk, but I think its because I was mourning the loss of my old weigh (get it?) of eating. It's what I got the lapband for, but its kinda sad when you cant sneak a cookie and milk bc it gets stuck.
  4. Speaking of cookies and milk...I made Tracey some oatmeal raisin cookies...because I dont like oatmeal raisin cookies. Turns out, if they are the only cookies around...I LIKE THEM!
  5. Sometimes I am a slow learner. It took me about 4 different occasions to finally admit defeat with said cookies. They give me a little stuck feeling for a few minutes.
  6. I think that stuck feeling is like the little angel that sits on your shoulder. Perhaps it needs a name. I shall name my stuck feeling Tina. Anyways, Tina reminds me that perchance I should not be eating whatever is stuck. She's smart that Tina.
  7. I read once on LBT (did you think lesbian-bisexual-transgendered) that it's funny how we are so happy when we meet a weight going down (for example, I was happy when I weighed 287 yesterday), but we were NOT happy when we met that weight going up. You know, when 287 was our "high" weight...then we passed it and found a new high weight?
  8. I think it's stupid when I get grumpy bc I dont have any pants to wear bc all the pants I have are too big. But, I do get grumpy. So I remind myself...HELLO DUMMY! YOU ARE LOSING.
  9. I went to Lane Bryant this weekend to buy one pair of slacks. You know how they went to "fake sizes?" Like I am a size 6 petite. I used to be a size 7 petite...just barely. Anyways, they were out of my size. So I had to order it online. ARGH!
  10. I found a size 24 in my closet. They fit! They didnt fit a few weeks ago. Which leads me to believe that I must have been a 28 when I started this journey.
  11. I will be very happy when I don't have only one place in the mall I can shop at.
  12. I am looking forward to lunch. Chicken salad sans bread, and peaches.
  13. I love sliced peaches in lite syrup. I find its almost like being able to drink with a meal...bc of the juice. And it's almost like having a desert. Sweet.
  14. I googled it, just in case you didnt understand my train of thought. Which, ironically...happens quite a bit. LGBT (also GLBT) is an initialism referring collectively to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender/transsexual people.
  15. Hope everyone is having a wonderful Monday!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Round 2

3/19/09 - - 289 pounds

Good Friday to everyone. I went and got my second fill yesterday. (*my 10th grade English teacher would kill me for saying "got")
Everything went smooth as butta'. He told me he would give me another aggressive fill if I wanted it. I asked him what he meant by aggressive, bc I didnt want another 4cc's or anything. He said he was going to give me another 1.5cc's, now for a total of 5.5cc's. That was fine with me. I was thinking around 2cc's. He told me that "your bread eating days might be over". I didnt really believe him...bc I think I will probably still need another fill before that happens.

I did ask him why we are supposed to be on 2 days liquid and 2 days mush after a fill. He said basically so you dont choke while you get used to it, and so you lose weight.

So, with that...I went home and had some cream of chicken soup around 5pm. I hadnt eaten anything except yogurt all day. No problem with the cream of chicken. Then, Tracey had chili around 7...and I had about 3/4 cup of chili....and half a biscuit. I KNOW! Not a liquid or a mushie. It went down fine. I could definelty feel a restriction though when I was done. Nothing unfcomfortable...but I could feel my band.

This morning I had yogurt for breakfast and about 3oz chicken salad for a snack. The yogurt didnt go anything for my hunger, but the chicken salad helped.

My next fill is May 7th. At my doc's office, all my fills are free (included in a $250 dollar fee I pay before surgery) for 90 days. I think I might take advantadge of that sometime in April, and if I still feel like I need another fill...I will sneak in before my 90 days is up.

Monday, March 16, 2009

This Fill Is Your Fill, This Fill Is My Fill....


So, my first fill was March 4th. I wanted to give it some time before I decided I needed another fill. Technically, my next fill appt is May 5th or something...

I can still eat pretty good. Especially at supper time. So, I am going in for another fill this Thursday! Yippee! I called today and asked if I could and they said sure. I am hoping that I get to where I can eat less. Sometimes I feel something in the morning. Sometimes, if I am eating a sandwich at lunch I can feel something...but today I remembered my nutritional instructions and how I am supposed to feel "full" at around 4 0z. What! 4 oz?! (*^^%*&%

So, I will keep you posted.

I would also like to share that I made some poor food choices this weekend. I didnt eat large quantities of anything, but I didnt eat good things either. For example, on Saturday I ate yogurt for breakfast, skipped lunch bc we were going to a 2pm bday party. I made 7-Layer bean dip for that and all I ate that afternoon was the dip, cheese, and chips. OH YEAH...and a wonderful piece of birthday cake with that precious whipped frosting.

Then yesterday...queso for lunch and I made a delicious cheeseburger pie casserole thing and a banana split pie (my parents came over). Again, I didnt eat a lot of it...but that one piece of pie had a lot of calories.

So, back on the wagon today. Or is it off? I get confused.

Also, I am going to start weighing myself once a week...on Mondays (versus 7 days a week :). If I can stick to it, I think it will help. Here's my thinking. If we are supposed to "only" lose 1-2 pounds a week...then I am setting myself up for "sad girl Amy days" when I dont lose. So, hopefully I will feel better about the 1 or 2 pounds if I weigh once a week.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Blood and Laughter

So, after lunch today I went to the main hospital (I work for a health care system) to give blood. I was sitting in the little privacy booth (I mean, what screams privacy more than a cubicle with 3 walls). The lady was asking me questions...where do I live, whats my social, have I ever had sex with a donkey...etc. Then, she asked me my weight, and without hesitation I said 193.


I then realized what I had said, and started laughing. I said..."that's not true..I weigh 293! Wishful thinking I guess". Just thought that was funny.

Yoga Class Woot Woot! Hollla!

Yoga. Big girl. Concrete walls that are conducive to echoing. My fear...that I would fart in downward facing dog.

I didn't fart...but I wanted to!

Okay, so Tracey and I went to our first yoga class. First, Tracey was going just to be nice. And he is a pretty southern man. For example, he went to yoga wearing a shirt that had a picture of a dog eating a motorcycle...or something along those lines. The point that I am trying to make is, he doesn't look like the yoga type, but he was being a good sport.

I actually had a mat that I bought years ago when I tried yoga via a dvd. Needless to say, the mat was in almost new condition. Now, this isnt yoga at the Y, this is a little yoga studio, taught by a wonderful lady I will call Mother Earth. She had a gentle voice and spoke about sunshine and breathing. I want to carry her around with me so she can brush my hair when I am feeling blue.

Anyways, we got all of our other equipment. This includes a blanket, a bolster (long pillow) and a square block...oh...and a long belt thing. I had googled yoga etiquette before going, so I knew a few things to expect. I focused on myself. It's not a competition.

Did I suffer fat girl embarrassment? Well, not really. There was a point towards the beginning, when we were laying on our backs, knees up to the chest, and we were supposed to be hugging our knees. Kinda hard with a big belly. So Mother Earth had me use the long belt to wrap around my knees. But, I learned she walked around and helped everyone...even the little pixie student instructor.

I have always danced, and try to maintain my flexibility bc stretching has always been something I enjoyed, but in one certain position, Mother Earth told me "Gooood, you are very flexible". That made my third eye smile.

Because it was a beginners class, there were many modifications I had to make to the poses. But that's okay. I will learn. There is this one position where you lunge, put your one hand behind your back, one hand under your crotch, and you clasp your hands together. I tried my best to google a picture for you guys...I may just have Tracey demonstrate and I will take a picture. Anyways, there is no way I could make it with the size of my butt. There were some positions that I thought my arms were going to give out.

Yoga is different than anything I have done. Its not about pumping it up, sweating the most, competing with others. Its about centering yourself, listening to your body, stretching. I left feeling very peaceful.

If only Mother Earth could have come home with us for dinner.

Maybe next time.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Shoes and Feet

I wanted to share two things. My foot and my new shoe. I have wide feet, and I wanted to illustrate with an actual picture of my square foot. Sort of Fred Flinstone yes? Well, for the past forever (maybe 5 or 6 yeears) I have worn Nike Shox. I like to believe bc they are narrow, they help my feet not look like a box. So, as you know, I have started walking. I blew out the stiching in one of my shox and have been walking with tape wrapped around it. I did some research on walk makes a good walking shoe (bc I also get shin splints). Turns out, Nike Shox sucks. They raise the heel. Bad for walking, bad for shins. So, I broke down and bought what I refer to as fat girl shoes. They make my feet look 9" wide. BUT!!! BUT!!! They are wonderful. They feel so good! Woo wee.

Aren't you excited to? LOL

Post-Fill, So are the days of our lives

Good Sunday to everyone! Okay, so here is a picture of where my port is actually located. The top scar is my port scar, and until my fill, I thought that the hard lump I felt underneath it was my port. Wrong-O! Its actually a little lower. So now we all know.
So what have I been eating. Okay...Friday was my first full day after the fill. For lunch I had a Wendy's chili. was a small and I ate it in 5 minutes. Too fast I know, but it was sweet love in my mouth. For dinner, we went to O'Charley restaurant. I had a triangle from our quesidilla (I can't spell) appetizer, one roll, and a cup of potato soup. It all went down just fine. Nothing felt weird. I wasn't "stuffed" afterwards, but I wasnt hungry. In fact, I wasnt hungry when I woke up Saturday but I ate half a thing of yogurt bc I didnt want to walk on an empty stomach. I didnt eat for about 4 hours, wasnt really hungry until then. I ate about a half a cup of chicken salad. About 7 hours later I realized it was past supper time! I hadnt been hungry all afternoon. I ate a low-fat hotdog, on half a bun and some pear bits. Went down just fine.
Then....'ominous music playing' I woke up this morning and made a piece of toast, added a little peanut butter on it, with some jelly...and sat down to eat--'more suspenseful music'....I took a sip of milk (I know! Not supposed to drink but I just need a little fix man!) and about 20 seconds later, I told Tracey to get the bread away from me. I went in the bathroom and up came the bread and milk. Nothing violent, it didnt even come from my stomach...just was chillin in my throat.
So, either toast and peanut butter will no longer work, or I ate to fast, OR I am tighter in the morning. That's my story and I am sticking to it!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

My first fill!

Here is a picture of my doctor.
Hola everyone!

So, I went for my first fill today. I was feeling pretty sassy and cute...had a hop in my step and a twinkle in my eye.

They weigh me, take my blood pressure. Dr. Friedman had me come back in the little room and opened my chart. He looks at my weight and says "34 pounds, Holy Shit". LOL...seriously that's what he said. LOL..hahaha

He read through his checklists of questions. Am I exercising, do I feel restriction or have trouble eating, etc. He was very proud of me. He asked me if I could eat a sandwhich no problem. I said yes. He said "We are doing 4cc's then girl". I said "GOOD, thats what I wanted but was afraid to ask".

I also asked him a few questions that have been perplexing me after reading a few posts on Lapbandtalk. First, my doc puts stitches around the band to secure it to the stomach to help prevent slipping. Someone on LBT said that they disolve and are only temporary. Dr. F said no way. They are there to do a job. I also asked if he could tell me what I felt when I pressed on my port incision. Turns out the hard lump I fill under my scar is not my port but scar tissue...and that my port is just a little lower than the scar. When I get home I will take a picture and post it.

So, he layed my back on the table and felt around. He had Amanda-the office coordinator (I dont know what her real title is), come in so he could show her how it was done. He gave me a shot to numb me. That hurt. Then, he filled up his needle and stuck it in. I didnt feel a thing. He gave me 4 ccs, put a bandaid on, and had me set up. I drank a little prob...and I dont have to go back for another 2 months unless I think the fill is not doing anything.

Easy. Breazy. Beautiful. Lapband girl.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Happy March!

Hello all! Today at 4:00 central standard time, I start my liquid diet to prepare for my first fill! Yeah! I get fill on Thursday at 4pm, and I are really looking forward to the fact that I might feel a restriction.

We are still walking. We did 2.5 miles on Sunday, and again last night. I think we will stick to that until this weekend when we will go to 3 miles! Thats our 5k distance (technically, a 5k is 3.1 miles)...but still good enough! We were planning on doing our first 5k on May 17th, but my organization is doing a 5k on April 4th out on the I think we might do that one! That will give us about 3 weeks to work on our timing for the 5k. I would like NOT to be the last walker that crosses the line. But if I least I finished.

The other night I blew out the right side of my right Nike Shock. The stitching ripped. So...since I dont get paid until Friday, and I only own one pair of tennis shoes...I DUCK TAPPED THEM! Wrapped them all around like an ace bandage. Good times.

Last night when we were walking, there is this slightly crazy lady with a big old dog and a stick that walks the path also. I think she is from Australia...or maybe she just pretends to be. Anyways, she apparently has wonderful vision for a woman in her golden years bc she hollered at me last night (now imagine in an australian accent) YOU ARE LOSING WEIGHT GIRL! I said that's my goal! She's only seen me a total of probably 6 times...but take it where you can get it!

This weekend I hope to buy a new pair of shoes.