Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Gracious, It's Been a Minute

 Dearest Love Muffins:

Where do the days (and years) go?  Somewhere.  No where. Here. There.  

Lord, I almost just became Dr. Suess. 

The PROBLEM with taking years off of blogging, is where does one start?  Do we pick up with the shenanigans of the day?  Or do we go back in time?  I DONT KNOW.  You tell me dear readers, what do you want to know?  What do you want to hear about?

I'm gonna make a list of things I have mentally blogged about in the last 5 years that I will cover soonish:

  • How I went crazy for about 1.5 years after my divorce. 
    • Subsections may include:
      • How I didn't KNOW I was crazy
      • Dealing with emotional abuse/trauma
      • REALLY bad decisions I made during that time
      • Forgiving myself and giving myself grace
      • Eventually...EVENTUALLY, starting to heal?
  • A State of my Health address:
    • Where I am at now physically
    • Where I am at now emotionally
    • Things to cover with my not yet found future therapist
    • My drinking and eating habits
  • Things Amy thinks she knows
    • How to love yourself
    • How to collect stray cats
    • Finding peace with your current state
  • Amy finding "love"
    • what love looks like for me now
    • Justin 
    • the future
  • General going ons
There.  That makes me feel better.  Gives me a place to start.

I've missed blogging.  I feel like blogging is days of old.  Remember in 2010 when blogging was the shit?  Then...youtube channels became a thing...and I refused.  Now, in hindsight, maybe I should have started a channel.  But I love writing as well and am glad to be back at it. 

Thanks for those few of  you still out there doing the damn thing (reading blogs).  Having a blog FOR SURE helped me achieve and accomplish and feel loved during those prime 10 years.  So I think I will keep this up.

Happy Tuesday jelly beans. 

Until next time!

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

On Your Deathbed, Will You Ask: Can you weigh me one more time?

I've been giving lots of thought over the last several months, to the idea of the number on the scale.  This shouldn't come as a shock, as it seems that most women are obsessed with daily thoughts and comments regarding their weight.  I suppose there are cultures somewhere, where a group of women can get together and NOT say something like "I've gained 7 pounds but just LOOKING at that antelope", or "me too girl, I weigh more than ever"...

But it's not our culture.  It's not my circle of friends. 

And I guess it should not come as a surprise...because didn't this blog start as a weight loss journey blog?  Didn't I used to have that little ticker we all had on our blogs counting down the pounds until I entered ONEderland?

Of course I did.  And that was my journey at the time.  And it helped me reach my goals. But like the old adage, know better, do better...I need to start doing better. 

I have grown weary of it.  And you know how when you start to pay attention to certain things that you start to notice that certain thing EVERYWHERE?  Like when you do dry January and realize that every country song is either singing about whiskey, beer, or shots? It's honestly hard for me to remember the last time my group of ladies have gotten together and the idea of weight loss was not a topic for discussion.  So when the clock struck midnight this 2023, I decided my new year's resolution was to STOP... 

...stop talking about how I need to LOSE WEIGHT. To stop talking to other women about THEIR weight. I didn't weigh myself on January 1st. I don't intend to weigh myself this year.  

Here are my reservations and thoughts all in a jumbled mess:

I don't want to sound preachy.  I've been on this Earth for 43.5 rotations around the sun, and for probably 38 of those years, weight has been a fickle foe that has held my hand every day.  Although I have been blessed with the ability to usually be proud of myself at almost all my sizes, and I have embraced the mentality of "big girls can do all the things", the idea of this number on a scale still has a permanent place holder in my brain.  So, I don't want anyone to think that because this is MY GOAL for the year (and hopefully my life), that if y'all want to keep on talking numbers...that I think I'm better than you.  I don't.  I think I am just trying to be better for me.

Do I secretly (not so secretly hope) that if I can find freedom and ease in releasing the power of my  weight, that other's will also find that freedom, ease, and hopefully a lightening (no pun intended) of the figurative weight we have been carrying since little girlhood as well?  Of course I hope that.    

Also, do not confuse my desire for people to stop talking about their weight as a desire to not

a) myself strive to be healthier and fitter and 

b) want to support you in your fitness and health journeys

I just don't care about how much you weigh.  I don't.  And I don't care about how much I weigh.  

I DO care that my current weight or "size increasement" if you will, has started to affect how I feel when I move, how I feel about myself in pictures, how I feel about my choices, and how I currently feel about my health.  All of those things are important (maybe the picture one the least so).  But it honestly does not have to do with the fact that the number on the scale is probably 260.  

2 6 0  

Those are just numbers.  So I am going to make some better choices this year and refocus on FEELING BETTER.  On doing BETTER.  On being BETTER.  And I will use a multitude of "measurements" to gauge my success in those efforts.  None of which will be me telling you "I've lost x number of pounds this week".

It's a lot to process for me.  I think that how much we weigh is SO INGRAINED in us, that at first it seems ridiculous that one would remove that from their vocabulary.  It's so ingrained that it's almost scary to think of how you will operate on a daily basis without that being one of your central focuses. I get it. It's hard for me and I am the one wanting to make a change. 

But I'm gonna stick with it.

So I ask you.  Is the you at 176 pounds a better person than the you at 200 pounds?  Is the you at 135 a better human being than the you at 165?  I'm talking about you kindness. Your love.  Your generosity.  Your humor.  Your compassion.  If you lose 4 pounds are you more of a winner?  Is the number on the scale what makes you worthy?   

And when you are dying, with just a few breaths left on this side of life, will you whisper to those around you..."can you weigh me just one more time?  Because I really want to know what my weight is before I die".  

And if the answer is no...then why spend so many of our breaths on it now?