Tuesday, November 1, 2011

20 Hateful Things I Want To Say On Facebook...But Don't

There are times when, upon reading a Facebook status or seeing a certain picture, I want to say certain things to people on my newsfeed.  But I don't.  So I will say them here....in my safe place.**

1.  You are stupid (this comes to mind a lot)

2.  I am going to need you to stop posting pictures of yourself taken in the car.  I understand the need for an occasional picture when you are feeling super cute.  However, I do not need to see 8 shots of you a day, taken in your drivers seat.

3.  Stop taking pictures of you food.  Again, if you have created something yummy...picture and post away. However, if you are at Applebees and are particularly excited about your baby back ribs....don't do it. 

4.  You are stupid.

5.  Are you really THAT angry?  Is your life really that terrible?  Are you really on the edge of the cliff EVERY day?  Suck it up sugartits....it could be worse.

6.  Hate you life?  Change it.

7.  Hate where you live?  Move (um...I do realize some of you may think this of little ol me when I am bitching about living on the temperature equivalent of the equator)

8.  Your child is ugly.  There.  I said it. *

9.  Just because it is Halloween does not mean you have to look like a trashy whore (okay...again.  I realize last Halloween I did try and dress up like a sexy teacher.  Listen.  It's do as I SAY, not as I do).

10.  You're stupid.

11.  I am going to delete you if you post one more damn music video.  I do not enjoy opening my news feed to see 14 consecutive video posts that fill my entire screen.  DO YOU THINK PEOPLE REALLY CLICK ON THEM?

12.  Are you 13?  Are you really calling your current girlfriend/boyfriends ex's out on facebook?  And are they even on your friends list?  Bc if they aren't...they cant see you calling them out!  DUH

13.  I love a good quote.  I love a good song lyric.  But if you can't EVER think of anything original to say...don't say anything.

14.  Again, are you 13?  Are you really posting your relationship drama on facebook.  Classy.

15.  I don't know who you are...but I approved you anyways.  It says we went to high school together.  I have no recollection of that ever really happening.

16.  That picture you selected as your profile picture.  No.  Rethink it.

17.  When you say things like "I can't believe this...THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER"...and then someone asks you "What?  What happened?" And you say..."I can't say on Facebook.  Send me a text"...I want to say THEN WHY DID YOU SAY ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?

18.  Are you Paris Hilton?  Why do you tilt you head and suck your cheeks in every picture?

19.  Please figure out how to use the self timer on your phone or camera.  Bc for the love of everything Holy, I dont' want to see another mirror shot.

20.  I wish I had the nerve to tell you that no one wants to read your bigoted political thoughts.  But instead of telling you that.  I am just going to hide you.  And pretend you don't exist.

*I do believe that there must be something that happens to a woman when she gives birth to a child...something genetic that makes it impossible to ever think your child is less than adorable.  It probably serves some evolutionary purpose...like it prevented mothers from eating their young in days of famine.  I mean, I have ugly dogs.  But they are cute to me.  SO I kinda understand.  It's just sometimes when hateful Amy comes out...I think hateful things.  Go forth.  Procreate.

**Please realize I can say all of these things because I am perfect and never annoying***

***Please realize, the above statement was a lie.  I am not perfect and should be nicer. 


  1. Just know that if you *were* to post any of these things on Facebook, I'd "like" them.

  2. I too would like all of these things.

  3. Gosh, I'm trying to figure out if we are facebook friends or not? If not, I won't be friending you! roflmao

    Funny post. And I love Onyah and Vanessa's answers.

  4. lol amy - I concur on every SINGLE one!!! Especially the politics thing - UGH, so annoying!!!

  5. I am in total agreement with all 20 of these statements!!! Kids are not all cute. Hell my youngest is kinda funny looking and a little cross eyed...but I love him anyway.

  6. Sweet Jiminy Shitballs!!!! I whole heartedly agree!! I would make one slight amendment to #20- Mine would go like this:

    "Keep ALL your political thoughts (bigoted or otherwise) to yourself UNLESS you actually want to have a CIVIL discussion with people who will likely disagree with you on some point. Don't post links to political articles if you don't want commentary on them or at least, make it clear that you only want to hear from people who totally agree with you. I wish I had the nerve to tell you that your behavior relating to politics makes me respect you less and less with everything you post. I used to think you were a semi-intelligent individual but the more shit you post the more I realize that you are moron who is incapable of independent thought. And BTW, yes, yes- we all recognize that your political beliefs demonstrate your excess of moral/ethical superiority."

    My friends and I refer to #17 as "Vague-booking" -being intentionally vague to bait people into be interested in you. It drives me bonkers. I want to say, "Just please, own your neediness in this moment. We all feel it from time to time--sometimes you just need people to pet on you. Just tell us you need us to tell you that you are pretty!!"

  7. I think this should be ALL OVER facebook. You should post it. Things are so annoying over there.
    I've deleted no less than 4 people for posting drivers seat self portraits EVERY FREAKIN day.

  8. OH EM GEE - I could have written another 20... easily. I hate when people complain about their relationship on facebook.... gag. I also hate when people post pictures from their ultrasound!!!!! That poor baby is not even out of the womb and is posted all over the internet! AHHHHH

  9. Your dogs are beautiful! All of them! But the picture of Heather's eye wasn't...ew! My gf took a ball to the mouth not too long ago so I know how it is to post gross injury pictures on facebook too. And I do call people out on their bigoted stuff but then I delete them right away so I don't have to hear anything back! HA! I WIN!!!

  10. LMAO! So true on all of this. A lot of times I just hold back but so want to tell people. I say do some things in moderation but others I'm like uggghh...

    I also hate people posting false info without EVER checking to see if its fact! Stop spreading it.

  11. LOL this one's my favorite ...

    11. I am going to delete you if you post one more damn music video. I do not enjoy opening my news feed to see 14 consecutive video posts that fill my entire screen. DO YOU THINK PEOPLE REALLY CLICK ON THEM?

    thanks for the laugh!

    -B@nd3d F@tty

  12. So true! I almost spit out my protein shake through my nose on a couple of them. Sugartits . . .so freaking funny. I think you should post this as a note on FB and see what kind of response you get.

  13. Oh, I just encountered 2 more for you!!!

    #21- If you want to go on an massive Unfriend binge----JUST DO IT!!! Don't talk about it for 2 weeks or threaten people with it. If you REALLY gotta talk about it--send a message to those you are unfriending!!!

    #22- All you married couples with "joint" FB accounts seriously need to either grow up and get your own account or just don't do FB. It is really effin' annoying to always have to figure out which one of you is posting. If you guys can't trust each other enough to have your own individual accounts then you got bigger problems than FB.

  14. I like AJ's too! Yes, I frequently think many of these things. One more:

    "Do you really think that I care to have an update of where you are and what you are doing EVERY 5 minutes?"

    "If you ever write a facebook update that says "Goodnight all" or something of that nature, I will hide you. Just. too. annoying."

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  16. My dogs are cuter than *most* babies.
    Also, twitter is helpful for posting continuous nonsense 24/7. It's almost like it was created just for that purpose!

  17. I HATE the self-pictures in your car.. makes me crazy. Why do you need to take a picture of you EVERY.DAY?? Did you get a haircut? Lips injected? nothing changed? Well then why you posting a picture?

    I do post a lot of pictures of my kid but I know he's adorable!! :)

    AND, I have one friend who vaguebooks ALL.THE.TIME.. I hide people who do that..

  18. I agree COMPLETELY but I do most of these things on my blog. Does that make me a loser?

  19. You forgot to mention the pouty/sexy girl/fish face self portraits too!

  20. Love this! I also don't care to read about what someone is cooking for dinner EVERY single night! And stop with the stupid duckface..it's not cute unless you are a duck.

  21. OMG I so want to tell my facebook friends how ugly their children are....sometimes it's so hard to keep my mouth shut. TOO FUNNY!!! LOL!!!

  22. I agree with #1-20! Especially the political crap, the mundane, the VAGUE. And, I follow you on FB (you approved me tho you don't know me but we didn't go to HS together!)