I've been having these fleeting thoughts that actually scare me a little. My heart rate increases and I quickly push the thoughts away.
I do not know who I will be if I am not fat.
There is it folks. The truth. I, a lot of you, have always been fat. Fat has made me funny. Fat has given me a soapbox. I mean, I wanted to get on Oprah so I could speak to all of those plus-sized girls out there who think that just because they are fat they have to be miserable, or lonely, or quiet, or sad.
And if some day I am "un-fat"...how will I be able to make a difference? How will I be unique or different?
I am not a person who hides behind her fat for protection or safety. But being fat has defined my life. And I wonder what that means for me.
Aw hell...I will still be funny (and humble). I will still point my toes in pictures, sing badly with Rockband, and wanna be the center of attention. I just don't know though how life will be different. I can't really imagine it.
Which brings me to another thought I have been having. When will my body be done with this weight loss. Or in other words...
How far will the band take me?
When I hit a plateau, sometimes I think that maybe this is it. Maybe I won't lose anymore weight. But at the same time, I think of all of you who got banded at, or around, my current weight. You guys have done it, so certainly there is more in store for me. And if I can't get below 200 with a damn band around my stomach...well then JEESH!
And then, someone riddle me this. I hate to put this question out there, but sometimes I feel like I don't know the answer.
How is the band different than a diet?
I mean granted, I have never lost 110 pounds on a diet. But if we can gain weight so easily with this band, how is it any different? I read a post on LBT talk today that scared me. The poster had lost 120 pounds and gained 60 of it back! Now I don't know if that is because she didn't see her doctor, or wasnt filled right, or whatever. But it is possible. So why is this different? It helps when we make the right choices...but when we make the wrong choices...Do you know what I am saying?
And finally, I wanted to thank all of you for your comments lately. Thank you for saying I look thin or fantastic! Anna asked me, as has someone else, how tall I am. I am an outstandingly tall 5'4"! I have stubby legs, toes, and fingers. I am 217 pounds, and in a size 18 (but so-close-it-makes-me-wanna-kick-someone's-ass to a 16).
Love ya guys and look forward to your thoughts and responses!