Monday, January 4, 2010

An Unfat Version of Myself

I've been having these fleeting thoughts that actually scare me a little. My heart rate increases and I quickly push the thoughts away.

I do not know who I will be if I am not fat.

There is it folks. The truth. I, a lot of you, have always been fat. Fat has made me funny. Fat has given me a soapbox. I mean, I wanted to get on Oprah so I could speak to all of those plus-sized girls out there who think that just because they are fat they have to be miserable, or lonely, or quiet, or sad.

And if some day I am "un-fat" will I be able to make a difference? How will I be unique or different?

I am not a person who hides behind her fat for protection or safety. But being fat has defined my life. And I wonder what that means for me.

Aw hell...I will still be funny (and humble). I will still point my toes in pictures, sing badly with Rockband, and wanna be the center of attention. I just don't know though how life will be different. I can't really imagine it.

Which brings me to another thought I have been having. When will my body be done with this weight loss. Or in other words...

How far will the band take me?

When I hit a plateau, sometimes I think that maybe this is it. Maybe I won't lose anymore weight. But at the same time, I think of all of you who got banded at, or around, my current weight. You guys have done it, so certainly there is more in store for me. And if I can't get below 200 with a damn band around my stomach...well then JEESH!

And then, someone riddle me this. I hate to put this question out there, but sometimes I feel like I don't know the answer.

How is the band different than a diet?

I mean granted, I have never lost 110 pounds on a diet. But if we can gain weight so easily with this band, how is it any different? I read a post on LBT talk today that scared me. The poster had lost 120 pounds and gained 60 of it back! Now I don't know if that is because she didn't see her doctor, or wasnt filled right, or whatever. But it is possible. So why is this different? It helps when we make the right choices...but when we make the wrong choices...Do you know what I am saying?

And finally, I wanted to thank all of you for your comments lately. Thank you for saying I look thin or fantastic! Anna asked me, as has someone else, how tall I am. I am an outstandingly tall 5'4"! I have stubby legs, toes, and fingers. I am 217 pounds, and in a size 18 (but so-close-it-makes-me-wanna-kick-someone's-ass to a 16).

Love ya guys and look forward to your thoughts and responses!


  1. Amy you have a good point. How is the band any different than a diet?. For me is not. is just a mental reminder. I've come to the conclusion that if I want to mantain my weight I'll have to stay on Atkins for the rest of my life.For the last few months I have been able to mantain my weight, but I tell you something if I was to slip I would problably go back to were I was. You say being fat defines how you are, I don't know if anybody else feels this way but, in my head I will always be a big girl, and is hard for me to take a compliment, I still see my self the same way, just with smaller clothes.But we are stronger persons and healthier and better educated on what our bodies really need, just from going through this journey. We just have to enjoy life and look ahead.

  2. Amy you are much farther along in time and weight loss than me, but I really do understand your questions. In fact, I asked myself yesterday "How is this different from a diet?". Well for one thing - I lost 1.5 lbs over the holiday!! That has never happened to me before. I ate and drank more than I should have, but still it was WAY less then pre-band. That is the realization I have come to - I eat way less now.
    I have read similar stories on LBT that have scared the shit out of me. For the most part I think that these people lost their way and did not ask for help. The most important aspect of sucessding, in my humble opinon, is keeping up with your doctor. We all seem to know when we are lose or can see the warning signs - continued platue or weight gain. Time to make an appointment...
    I think "Un-fat" Amy will still be the fabulous old Amy, but healthier! You are making a huge difference in so many peoples lives right now - without Oprah! Your blog pushes me forward and keeps me focused. Who knows, maybe one day you will get on Oprah and talk about all of this stuff!

  3. All of us banders say it but I still do not think it sinks it...This is a Lifestyle choice for the rest of our lives. It is not something we will "get finished" with. My friend goes to AA and he always says he is truly one drink away from being right back where he started. I think food is our drug.

  4. I agree with Nawlinz Lady, food is definitly our drug (unfortunately).

    I think the band is different from a diet because the band forces me to limit what I can & can't eat. Example: today I was bound and determined to eat this one thing & overindulge but physically couldn't! I then spent a good chunk of time feeling crappy and having to throw up because I was SUPER stuck. (Not the healthiest, I know). But if I was just on a diet I would've eaten and eaten and not felt any physical effects, but then be filled with remorse (and probably would've eaten some more to get rid of the remorse).

    : )

  5. I think you'll be just who you are now only even more camera shy. LOL. Seriously, I get the distinct feeling that losing a bunch of weight won't change someone like you because you were happy with who you were from the get-go. The weight loss is just gravy.

  6. You all make such good points and this is what I needed to hear. And yes mandapanda....I mean could I get any more camera shy?

    I know this is different than a diet...and like Yanetsy said it does give us time to learn and understand our bodies and our hunger. I also agree that it is our drug and i like that analogy of just one drink away. Very true. Thanks again girls!

  7. I'm on board with everything ya'll said and feel like we are sooo much better off with the band than gastric...cause like if you don't relearn everything in about 3 years, your tummy can hold more and it's back to the old habits and the weight comes back.
    The band is the limiter for me, I can only eat so much, and lately again it is pretty little, so I try to make the best choices, but even if it isn't, what little I eat isn't going to throw me way off course. I'm in it for the long haul! I hope I'm kissing 110 lbs good bye one my bandiversary...51 gone now! Yeah!!!

  8. For me the band is different from a diet because I don't count calories, I can still eat some crap but the amounts that I eat it in are different. If I was on a diet and stuffed up I would gain over 2kg in a week. If I haven't been eating enough good food with the band I put on at the most 1kg. So I guess the fluctations aren't as big for me.

  9. I have had the same kind of thoughts.....will I still be me if I'm "un fat"?! Guess we will see!! Happy New Year!! ;-)

  10. Hi Amy,

    I just read your entire blog start till this post. Our starting weight is almost exactly the same. You are such an inspiration. The biggest inspiration is hearing that you have "fallen off the wagon" and still managed to do so well.

    You look great and I hope that at my one year bandiversary I have as much success as you!

    I will be your newest follower :)

    Tracy Z

  11. Amy, I read that post on LBT also, and it gave me a little shudder. However, I have sustained 3 rather long plateaus in my 18 months of banding and I haven't gained any of those times. Maybe, just maybe, I can really do this. I haven't lost any weight in over 2 1/2 months right now, but dangit, I haven't gained any either. So, I guess that is ok for now. Oh, and I joined the dang gym and I actually started to go, so maybe NOW I will start losing again. :p I think if we keep ourselves accountable by weighing once a week and tighten our regimens if we see ourselved backsliding, we can do this!!! Just look what we have done so far. :)

  12. Wow... some deep thinking, Ames!!

    The biggest thing for me regarding the 'How is the band different to a diet? question is: whatever way we are consuming our food? This time it is working. After so many stops and starts and failures.. most of us are actually succeeding at this!! And we will continue to succeed. Because our band is our handy little 'stop' tool sitting on our shouler saying.. enough.. whereas without the band we could just go and go and go. We are forced to consume less calories and science tells us even if those calories are higher than they should be at a specific time... then we will still lose .. one way or another. It's all about portion sizes in the end.. not calories!

    I don't think you will change at all either.. it seems to be the general consensus. You will still be the same you, only happier and healthier with a new outlook on life.

  13. Amy, there is no way that with your personality that "fat" has been your defining trait! You are just way too unique, hilarious and amazing for that to be the case.

    I'm just catching up on a few posts and have to laugh at how good Tracy's Mii is -- and at the Sunkist bender photos! Too funny. :)

    I've actually been to Florabama. In 2003-4, I was engaged to a guy whose family had a house in Orange Beach for his whole life. Small world! (Still, despite the great beach house location, calling that off was the next best decision I made to getting banded!) :)

    xoxoxo & Happy New Year,


  14. Amy, what a great post. I was a thin person until I was 24, I am about to be 47 so, I have spent nearly 1/2 of my life as a fat woman. My fat defines me as well, and the many times that I have been thin, it was uncomfortable for me. So, I have these very real concerns as well. I am "the life of the party!" But, I'm also the person that women never feel threatened by. None of my friends believe that their husbands are gonna run off with me, or that they won't look cuter than me at the party. I have had so many people tell me that after they sit with me for a moment, they forget that I'm big. That's because I'm so busy trying to self-depricate and keep the laughs going, that they never get a chance to. There's a lot of pressure being the fat me, but I've always had my fat as an excuse. I can't wait to get my band, I hope and pray that I can loose the weight and that I can eventually live successfully in a smaller body. My therapist told me once that he thought I've held on to being fat, because I'm just afraid to be average...I don't know. But great post Amy.

    "Band me Baby!" is my blog

  15. Amy,

    I love your questions. I wrote about you on my blog today. Hope you don't mind.

    Moving on, can I just say that I wish I had time to respond to everyones blogs? There are so many, many thought provoking comments. Little Miss Sunkist asked the question "how is the band different than a diet?", and I've been thinking lots about that. Here's what I've boiled my thoughts down to. It's not different. It's a performance enhancing tool. Just like an athlete who takes performance enhancing drugs... they still are an athlete. I am a dieter. And, as the holidays plainly showed me, I am going to need to watch what and how I eat, even with my tool, if I wish to not weigh 300 pounds. That's the honest truth.