Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Shocking Revelations and Bandsters Demise

Tonight is Support Group night! I will get to see Miss Vickie for the second time, and it will be the first time I have seen her since I have told about such things like lady bits and boob pools. Good times.

Kristen just informed us that she has never eaten an orange. This makes my head hurt. I got to thinking...what haven't I eaten that might be as equally shocking. Turns out...I couldn't come up with anything. I have never eaten cauliflower. Does that count?

Kristen also posted the results of the swimsuit challenge yesterday, and as a whole...we sucked this week. She wanted to know why. My response was:

Do you know whose fault it is? Gilly! None of you have been paying attention to me. Gilly is sending bad weight gaining waves over the Internet. You know that vlog she did? Where she was all cute and funny? THAT WAS ALL PART OF HER PLAN! I slowed it down and played it backwards and yep...just as I assumed...the subliminal (however you spell it) message made us gain weight.Now maybe you will take me seriously.Let's disqualify her!hhahahahahahaha

Just think about it. I think there is some truth to what I just said. In fact...now that I think about it....what do we really know about Gilly? Does she in fact even have a band?

Today while I was at the doctors, I was flipping through Ladies Home Journal or something equally as exciting and came upon the weight loss success stories section. You know the section I am speaking of. Well anywoo, I was looking at the "after" pictures and I like to guess their weight. So, the first girl I guessed she was about 150. Nope. She was 123. Here "before weight" was like 155.

Um...un problemo es....(the problem is)...her starting weight is below my goal ending weight. hahahah....funny don't you think? But the open minded Amy angel that sits on my left shoulder told me that everything is relative and good for her! The close minded judging Amy devil that sits on my right shoulder...you know the one that judges people based on the shoe selection and hair styles...that one just whispered "skinny people..totally overrated".

Do you ever think about how your doctors have a first name? They are like teachers in that way. You only think of them as Dr. so and so. I just can't imagine ever saying "Hey Jeff" to Dr. Friedman.

Tonight at support group and plastic surgeon will be there to talk to us. I can't think of anything to ask him...other than "Will you do me for free?"...that came out wrong. You KNOW what I meant. I am wearing a dress today though my we are now on week 2 of Operation: Amy Has No Pants to Wear. So I briefly having given thought to just standing up in the middle of the meeting and lifting my dress over my head and yelling "LOOK DOCTOR PLASTIC SURGEON MAN! FIX ME".

That wouldn't be lady like though would it?

Tracey has had 2 foot in the mouth incidents lately. It's a good thing I kinda like him. I bought some cute jean shorts...you know...the ones that are Bermuda length and have a little cuff at the bottom. The are a size 14 and, shall we say, form fitting (which means possibly too tight but not for long). I was planning on wearing them now. I mean they don't give me a muffin top! So I put them on for Tracey and he said "They will fit soon".

Um. Pardon me? Are you implying they DON'T fit now.

Tsk Tsk silly man.

So then last night we were watching Dancing With The Stars and my girl Niece Nash was on. She is a bigger girl, but I would bet that she is smaller than me. And Tracey said "Wow, she's a big girl".

Screeeeeech. (That was the sound of me stopping dead in my tracks).

I said to silly man, I bet she is smaller than me...

Sigh. Sometimes they never learn. He tried to back peddle and say that I am INDEED much smaller and that she looks good, he was just saying she was thicker than others.

Mmmhmmm...good try buster. In his defense...somehow the man really does think I am much smaller than I am. Always has. Bless his heart.

I play by myself a lot. Just me and my imagination. I host cooking shows in my kitchen where I actually speak out loud to an imaginary camera. I pretend that I am walking down a runway when I walk on a sidewalk. When I go to the movies, and then go to the bathroom at the movies...I ALWAYS...everytime...walk into the bathroom and pretend a killer is after me.

I go into my stall like a normal person, but in my mind I am formulating a plan. If the killer chased me into the bathroom, could I climb up the toliet and move a ceiling tile and crawl into the ceiling? Seriously.

Yesterday I got caught talking to myself at my desk.

I sometimes scare people in our work bathroom bc I don't realize there is anyone in the stall next to me until I am about three quarters of the way through a song, complete with stomping and clapping.

Last night while Tracey was trying to seduce me, I caught a glimpse of my quad. Yes..my toe was pointed in the air and therefore I was kinda flexing...but I can now see the outline of my quad. Just hanging out there on my upper leg.

Well, I'll be damned!

I do have a little more to share but I think I will make it a second post...this is getting a little long winded. Imagine that!

Happy Tuesday my friends.

Oh...PS. I loves Gilly and want to marry her. I was just kidding about all of that above!


  1. I talk to myself to only I don't host cooking shows, I lead WLS discussion groups and explain why the LB is AWESOME and why I am the most perfect bandster ever.

  2. Thank goodness you like him! My hubby has had a few insert foot into mouth comments...he'll make a fat comment...and its like...uh...hello...I'm a fatty too.. "But your pretty, prissy, and well kept" What ever that is posta mean!

    Wow...you really bust out in song and all that jazz. I can SO see that...I bet you are a whoot in person...If I am ever in P-Cola in my many ventures to the SunShine State and I am hearing singing in the potty...i know who it is!


  3. You're lucky you want to marry me, because Florida is a tourist destination and I bet I could find a cheap flight there just to kick your skinny ass, and then go to Disneyworld!

    Oh Amy...maybe you need to spend some more time playing...ahem...by yourself...you know...with your imagination...

  4. OMG! I totally do a "cooking" show every time I cook...and I do the runway walk down sidewalks, hallways...wherever! I do have conversations in the bathroom with myself...we're usually arguing *loudly* about who farted! :)

  5. Wow...just wow. You absolutely crack me up. I do the killer in the bathroom thing. And when I watch movies where people have to squeeze through something to save their lives, I think "another reason to lose weight..you just never know when you'll have to climb through an airconditioning duck to escape some crazed terrorist."

  6. So, my husbands pulls that kind of stuff all the time. He told me the other day that he wanted to squeeze my fatrolls. That was suposed to be a compliment. He will also comment on women being "bigger"... women who are often smaller then me. I know he doesn't mean anything by it but still... seriously... O well.. I still love him.

    P.S. I missed reading your blog while I was MIA. So many great posts.. and look at that ticker girl! You are on your way!

  7. Hey I host cooking shows too! How funny! I always talk aloud like I am being taped for tv!!!!!!

  8. Wow! I too formulate my escape plan from the serial killer stalking me into the bathroom!

    I was going to have to defend Gilly. She saved my life. SAVED. MY. LIFE. She's my hero.

  9. That's crazy! I also imagine killer scenes in public bathrooms. I always imagine that scene from Copycat with Sigourney Weaver when she is in the bathroom at some conference and the killer is hiding out in there ready to torcher her and he strings her up above the toilet and her high heel falls off. Freaky! I also talk to myself and sometimes myself answers. hmmm...

  10. wow, torture^...where did my spell check disappear to?

  11. I don't even know what to say...other than...you made my dull-rainy afternoon a little brighter :)

  12. Just so you know I just ate my 2nd orange of my life and LOVED it! I never thought about how strange it was that I never had tried one. There must be some deep reasoning in my head that I don't know about that keeps me from trying new foods...Jenny can tell you, when she came to visit and I tried shrimp for the first time and threw up!

    And I catch myself talking to myself all the time at my desk and while i'm walking, its so awkward when you realize what your doing! lol

  13. Amsters, I am moving to Orlando, so not totally your neck of the woods, but close enough that I will be stalking, er, I mean visiting you and all the pandhandle bandsters! There's lots of bandsters in FL, isn't there!

    Anyhow, my stupid, I mean dear, husband tells me the other day, "You know, you aren't going to be able to fit on most of the rides at Disney yet." I stared at him and said with a total straight face, "Are you serious? Like because I am too fat? OMG, I had no idea I was fat." He didn't sense the sarcasm at. all. Men, meh.

  14. You are Hilarious! That would be so great if you did that to the plastic surgeon tonight..do it I triple double dog dare ya! So I can blame my scale on Gilly SWEET! LOL

  15. I am really looking forward to seeing you tonight, Amy. I am going to Zumba first. I will take a quick shower at the gym and head off to Pensacola. Save me a seat please!

  16. AMY! You always make me LAUGH OUT LOUD AT WORK and make me look like im crazy! I Miss you girl! we need to get togeather! what you doin on Sunday? TEXT ME!

  17. sometimes i wish you had your own reality show or at least have someone make you a pin like drew barrymore had in "never been kissed" so that we could actually SEE you doing these things

  18. I pretend I have cooking shows too. I totally laughed out loud at work. Thanks - because they already thing I'm a freak. :)

  19. I don't know if I should tell you this, if you love Niece... but my cousin and his wife are going to have her come visit. They're filming an episode of "Clean House" in May, the goal is to clean out the garage (and all the kids' crap, they have two young ones) so that my cousin can turn it into a personal gym. I'll have to tell you when their episode is supposed to be on. I just found out about it over Easter, I didn't even know about the show but I guess my mom is addicted to it and she totally lost her shit and started begging to come over when they were filming so she could meet Niece. LOL...

  20. please tell Tracey that i am so over my crush on him....hell-o, heather....lol. maybe she will come down here and "train" with me...

  21. Oh my god, you've never had cauliflower? It's my third favorite veggie, after broccoli and brussels sprouts, but it's best when roasted. Mmmm. It gets crunchy and sweet and nutty tasting, and I swear to you, pre-band I used to roast two entire heads of cauliflower for my husband and me to munch on. I would eat a bowl of it while watching TV instead of popcorn. You need to get the train to the Lady Station (that's what that means, kitchen, right?) and roast up some cauliflower. It's better than fried pickles. I'll send you detailed instructions if you want to try it.

    As for doctors not having a first name, my little sister is a pediatrician and I giggle my tush off every time someone calls her Dr. So-and-So. She is SO not Dr. So-and-So. She's Monkey, Bratface, Sis, or if I'm being polite, I'll use her first name. I don't care that she's almost 30, she's still my BABY sister. Her being referred to as "doctor" is SO wrong, but I am polite when I encounter her patients, which, I will admit, embarrasses me a little because she's a gorgeous, skinny, brilliant doctor who has a fattie for a sister. For now, anyway. I can't wait until she has a baby so she can be fatter than me for once in our lives. During the pregnancy anyway.

    Oh, and last night I noticed during sexifuntime that after 22=ish pounds down, the, uh, maneuvering got significantly easier. And when I read this tomorrow, I will be blaming the Ambien that is kicking in right about now.

  22. Hi Amy,
    I have been following your blog and read it from start to now. Laugh my pants off!
    I just had to comment about the bathroom thing. Like others, I do it too! I have to add though... I also think bridges are going to collapse when I am driving on them (which is everyday) so i always have my hand on the window in case I need to roll it down to escape while in the water! Crazy, I know.
    I just got banded on March 29th so I love how much I have learned through you! Keep it up girl!