Friday, June 8, 2012

Turkey Legs and Other Horrible Things

Let us discuss several things.  First and foremost...turkey legs. And I am not talking about the kind you get at Fairs where strange people are walking around dressed as peasants and medieval people...I am talking about the turkey leg that is attached to my body. 

Two of them to be precise.  But it is so frustrating at times when you see something like this:
Do you see it?  I KNOW you do.  But just in case....

Sha-bango!  @$(U*Y 

I mean, I WORKOUT.  I squat, I lunge, hell...sometimes I actually do CARDIO!  I leg press, I kettlebell.  And yet...those damn thighs haunt me.  And granted, my thigh is next to Heathers muscles sticks, but I am really talking about the cellulite more than the size.  But they do kinda resemble a turkey leg standing straight up.  Alas, when I saw this picture I was so sad.  It just seems like after several years of working out, it would be better than it is. 

But oh well.  We shall overcome.  And if not, at least if we are ever flying together to Alaska, and plane crash in a frozen tundra, and if I go to that big buffet in the all can dine on my turkey thigh for several nights.  It will be my final gift.

Several months ago we went to the zoo...and this big feller was walking around loose.  And his waddle reminded me of something...that's labia...
Do you remember that post from March 2010 about shaving my whootananny?  You can find it here if is a proud moment.

Our kitty kat, pictured above in her lady pose...has been bringing us things with faces.  Usually frogs and assorted lizards.  Sometimes they are dead.  Sometimes they are dying.  Well the other night we were sleeping and I remember hearing a squeaking noise and thought it was odd that Honey May's ball sounded so weak (she has a super annoying squeaky ball).  Then I heard something slam into the bed (I believe it was kitty kats head) and thought, for one second, she had a mouse.  And then I fell back asleep.

Heather wakes up a later to get ready for work.  She comes back to the bedroom from our bathroom which is connected to our walk in closet and says that there is a mouse in there.  Alive. 

I spring out of bed BUTT NAKED.  Usually I sleep in underwear, but I must have been trying to get some action that night (fail)...anyways, I dash to the kitchen, grab and oven mitt and and empty cereal box and go inot the closet.  I guarantee it was ATTRACTIVE.  My bits were dangling, by boobs were flopping.  I was squatting, whispering to myself and Heather "it's just a mouse, it's just a mouse".  Well that little sucker shot out like a ball from a cannon and we both started screaming...shoving each other around in the closet.  Then, imagine this.  I am bent over.  One hand and one oven mitt on the ground, trying to see under the racks.  It's quiet.

Quiet as a MOUSE.

(that was good...come one)

And that thing runs by me again and I swear to you, I went on one hand, two feet in the air donkey kicking.  It had to be a beautiful sight.

Long story short, we caught it after awhile and I released it.

Since then, more lizard deaths have occurred, one mole death, and one live mole.  Which I managed to save and release back into our yard so it can continue to destroy our grass.

There is never a dull moment in our house.

Dont you wanna come and visit?


  1. Our cat was always bringing things in. Then we realized our rotted out backdoor with a 2 inch opening at the bottom was allowing just as many lizards to crawl through. So instead of our cat having to go out and catch things, they would just crawl to him. He would literally lay down on the floor of the kitchen watching the bottom of the door. Seems we'd find at least one lizard in our house every day. Well, now, the cat is gone, he moved to a new family, and the door has been replaced. We are STILL finding lizards!

    You are hot! That is all.

  2. Oh my God Amy (if I can ever stop laughing) I am going to get on the first trans-atlantic flight I can and come to drop kick you into reality!!!

    You have lost more weight than A WHOLE PERSON!!!!! You were a weight loss machine!!! 120 in LESS than ONE YEAR. I read your whole blog. I get that blood, sweat and tears went into losing every single pound and you earned every one. Those legs are your trophies!!!! Do a before and after thigh shot. Maybe then you will see that they are not covered in cellulite but evidence of how hard you worked and how far you have come (aka loose skin). I am sorry you can't see them the way that we do. Role model thighs. Thighs to look up to and aspire to achieve ourselves. You may never like them but please be proud.

    I have a cat called Buffy. She's a mouse slayer. Sometimes the mice are dead but mostly she brings them home alive to show me how good she is at catch and release. Blessed cat has 3 bells on her collar and I can't stop her. I have never yet had to chase a mouse naked although one did manage to give me a black eye when it ran into my face! Poor thing is terrified of birds though. They dive bomb her from next door's washing line!

  3. Oh my god! Those are my thighs!!! And you have left me with an insaine mental image...thanks! ha! you are a very funny lady!

  4. Well AmyW, we weigh about the same and while my legs might look pretty darn good, there is NOWAYINH*LL I would be rocking a bikini with my tummy wrinkles and stretch marks!!! So let's focus on the fact that you can rock a bikini, k? That and if we ever go down over Alaska, we're all good. LOL. Funny post, thanks for the laugh today.

  5. 1) I have similar thighs...they are a family curse! No matter what I do, there they are. 2) I wish my cat Mojo did her job (she likes to catch flies instead). We had a little mickey mouse in our house once. We thought it would be fun to catch it and see what the cat would do. We put both the cat and the mouse in the bathtub. The mouse ran under the belly of my garfield sized cat and she literally rolled her eyes and looked at me like "really?". Sad ending though...the dog came in, snatched it up, gave it two good shakes and mickey went to heaven.

  6. We weigh about the same, and I hate my upper thighs too. After giving birth to 4 kids and losing 72 pounds after WLS, I also have the wrinkly belly that Sheila mentions, and my stretch marks? Legendary. But because of how great YOU look in a bikini (and how many different suits you wear!) I have been encouraged to wear more revealing clothing including as close to a bikini as I probably will ever get -- it looks like a bikini from behind, but it has a strip of cloth from the bra to the panties in front that covers up the worst part of the wrinkly belly. :)

    I loved the description of the mouse chase, but I am most amazed at the positions you were able to get into as you chased that sucker! Flexible!

    You rock!

  7. I understand the turkey leg feeling, but you are right, we shall overcome. You look great, chica! And the mouse story was cracking me up. :)

  8. LOVE your post! sometimes a little silly and sometimes a little shocking but ALWAYS sincere and down to earth, you motivate me so much, this weekend I thought about your story with the porch swing and its weak chains...we have a backyard self-supporting with weak canvas, and yes as I was "tanning my bits" I instantly became trapped underneath it, I so wanted to cry, not just from the massive leg cramp and pain in my arm trying to catch myself from hitting bottom but from the ego massacre that made me realize I still have so far to go, but I thought about you and your chit happens story, then crawled my way out of it and not one tear was spared, I cannot thank you enough for your post and think you look GREAT!

  9. I always read, but have never posted. OMG, the story about the mouse cracked me up! My family is looking at me like I'm completely insane laughing at my computer.
    I think you look amazing and have come so far! I did want to tell you that I used the things called hot pants, look them up online, weight loss hot pants. Anyway, I think they worked on getting rid of my cellulite. My friend told me about them and she thinks they helped her too. You just ear them when you work out. Anyway,just wanted to let you know about them. :)

  10. Meant wear, obviously not ear them! I clearly need to proof before posting and use the space bar.