My Digits

Monday, March 15, 2010

Shaving The Whootananny (aka No-boundaries-Amy)

*Listen. Drazil made me do it. She forced my hand. I have trying to be a lady blogger lately. You know, respecting other's definition of decenancy and such. But I am going to have to clear the air about hair down there. If you don't want to know about my lady station, I understand. Please don't delete me from you blog list. Just skip this post. Otherwise...here we go".*

Lately, several of you have been talking about getting a Brazilian wax. I have never gotten one because I am not happy with my VAGINA.

Well...I am not angry with it. But...how to say this...how to say this. I have low hangers....large love pillows, lady nuts...etc. I don't know where they come from. I have asked my mother and my sister if they too have Guiness Book of World record labia. They say no.

I know you might think I am exaggerating. But once....I showed my best friend. Yes...we had been drinking. But she asked and I said fine. I gave her a quick flash and I kid you not...she fell against the door and grabbed her heart.

Sigh

So, my point is...I don't go for professional servicing because I don't want frighten anyone.

I should say that Tracey loves me and makes me feel wonderful about my lady bits. I would never have surgery. You know there is labia reduction surgery right?

But, this all brings me back to shaving. I started shaving all my hair buh-bye probably over 3 years ago. I don't get any rash or razor burn. I shave in the shower, and in rather quick fashion. For those of you who have been following me from the beginning, you might remember one of my NSV's I was looking forward to was to be able to shave the Lady Station without going in blind and having to hack away like Edward Scissorhands. Mission accomplished.

Although I must say that in addition to my belly getting smaller so I can see what I am doing, your woo-woo pad gets smaller as well. Which means you can now see more of my turkey wattle.



Sigh

And because Drazil asked, yes...if you have been going natural for awhile now...I suggest a pretrim. You shouldn't go from full troll hair...

to bald cabbage patch kid in one movement.


And always, ALWAYS, shave WITH the hair. Not against. Drazil was stomping and pouting that with the hair doesnt get smooth...but it will. It does. I promise.

And now you know. Probably more than you wanted to know. But like I told Drazil. Perhaps there is someone out there with the same "problem" as me. And perhaps they thought they were alone.

And perhaps NOW they know they are not.

Perhaps indeed.

50 comments:

  1. This had my literally laughing out loud...you crack me up!!!

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  2. A very informative post and a hilarious one too! Thanks for the DIY Lady Station prep course!

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  3. I am not going to lie.... I desperately want to drink too much with you and see it too! LOVE the turkey picture!! :) Oww... and welcome to onderland! So glad to have you!

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  4. The turkey is killing me. I really can't say anything else about this post. A.W. you never leave me bored!!

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  5. God Amy. I cannot thank you enough for the laugh! I almost choked on my yogurt. And the picture of the turkey is PRICELESS. Seriously, you need your own TV show.

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  6. Hey Ames - maybe this is the one that gets you on Oprah??? ;o)

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  7. LMAO the turkey pictures almost had me pee my pants

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  8. OMG - did you have to post the troll picture? And the turkey - THAT is so what it looks like and you never warned me about that. Now I have to grow back a freaking lightening bolt per the custom request. You've created a monster. I still love you - lady nuts and all!

    Lady nut talking makes Monday so much better huh?

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  9. OHHHHH MY WORD....! The pictures make this even more hilarious!!!!!

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  10. You crack me up...I almost peed my pants!!!!

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  11. I found your blog via BEE. You are absolutely hilarious. I can't wait to read more:)

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  12. Thanks for clearing up the ladynut mystery. I was really perplexed. I mean, if cool kids like YOU have them, I needed to know if I had them.

    Sadly, I do not. But I have other things.

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  13. You had me ROFL. I just found your blog from Drazil! Its hysterical!

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  14. It's funny you post this today, because my own personal NSV of the day was that I was able to go in (Edward Scissorshandsesque as it may have been) and do my own today! Previously, hubby had done it for me, which trust me, sounds way more fun than it was! (picture a man holding a power tool standing above you with a very serious, and yet slightly distressed look on his face, looking at your lady junk like it's a garden hedge) Very happy to have been able to go and hack away at it by myself this morning. woohoo!

    Why does it always have to be about labia? Who can know...

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  15. Oh lovely.
    My "low hangers" are slapping yours a virtual high five right now.

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  16. I have tears running down my face. As if the TURKEY wasn't enough, you posted a troll and lovely little cabbage patch babies. PRICELESS!
    I've had discussions about 'lady balls' before. Draz and I have a friend with the same thing. You are not alone.

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  17. OMG - Jenny I forgot about "her"....see Amy - you're not alone for real. You should start a group......LOL. I'll bring Draz and Sheniqua if you bring the lady nuts. You know what I decided next? When I get the lightening bolt going I'm going to dye it blue or hot pink and scare the shit out of Jerk. Whaddya think?

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  18. OMG, the troll to cabbage patch bald baby had me about dying from laughter.

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  19. ***fingers in ears and eyes closed singing la la la la la*** Way too funny and the turkey is the kicker! Thanks for the laughs all of you!

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  20. O.M.G my tummy was already hurting a little from my unfill, then you had to go and post this! I am laughing so hard, the pics make this post! I'm with you on shaving...no wax for me, OUCH! I still have to lift my tummy a bit to see my lovely lady bits, but hopefully that changes with time!

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  21. As always, your post has me howling. The troll/cabbage patch visuals are truly inspired, Amy.

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  22. You are hilarious!
    Can you tie 'em in a knot
    Can you tie 'em in a bow
    Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
    Like a Continental Soilder
    Do your_______hang low.

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  23. Sigh...well, I'm not sure I have seen you top THIS yet in person so :)...

    I cannot shave down there, the pricky pear feeling drives me nuts. So, I use MSP (Magic Shave Powder). It is technically made for African American men's beards but works SO much better than Nair and such. 10 minutes with MSP every other week and I am good to go :).

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  24. Lacey - tell me more - I've heard mention of that product before.
    I'd like to learn more about my options.

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  25. Lol, you really really are a funny, amusing, clever writer,and I love your blog. I loved it before today, but I love it more now.

    But - blush, confession time - I have no idea what a Brazillian wax is, nor had I ever heard of lady nuts.

    (I'm 43, live in the UK and have had kids. . . my - er lady garden has very little hair, I could wear a skimpy bikini and nowt would show - so I get confused when you talk about shaving - is it normal to have a beard down there?)

    Lol, can't believe I'm asking this (could be the glass of white wine earlier - naughty bandster that I am!)

    But would appreciate enlightenment, seriously.
    Love
    Hx the UK Bandster

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  26. You crack me up!! I am a brazilian girl, believe me it's the best!! and every one woo woo is different and the professional see's all different kinds. go ahead get a brazilian Tracy will thank me lol

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  27. Oh I love you guys to the moon and back!

    bandster-of course you can ask. A brazilian is when they wax you...all over...from your lady bits to your booty crack. So, no hair anywhere :)

    As for lady nuts, I just made that term up. It sounds better than labia. hahah

    Now I want to know if full hair is a regional thing? Here in the US, I think there are those who go natural and just shave their bikini line (where their legs meets their woo woo), then there are those who shave a lot off but leave a strip in the middle, and then there are those of us who go bare.

    Does that help?

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  28. Excuse me while I piss my pants.. This post is absolutely hilarious. Maybe you can start a S.G.S.G (saggy giney support group).. I am sure you are not alone, and that each and every woman has a very different woohoo to the next. I praise you highly for putting it out there.. LOVE THE PICS..lol
    xx Nene

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  29. OMG I missed reading your blog! This is so hilarious - way more fun than my post on the same subject!

    I realized on my vacay that I have body hair dysmorphia - as in, I really do not have the full-on bush, it is actually sort of "sparse" (I caught a glimpse of my friend in the shower at the spa - major bushage). So the Nair route is working for me but I want to go with the wax some day.

    No worries about the lady balls - as long as Tracey digs your stuff, who cares?

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  30. Ummmm.....yeah so this post was interesting...BUT .....I NOTICED THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER STARTING YOUR WEIGHT WITH A 2!!!! I can't wait till you make a post on this one...reading your blog is like reading a really good book so don't make us wait too long for an official post on this amazing news!

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  31. Have I ever told you that I read your blog aloud to my boyfriend to scare him about what I may or may not be revealing online???? This one was classic, I don't do the shave with the growth thing maybe it just feels non productive to me. All this talk about waxing and shaving makes me feel like it's time to wax again so I can skip the shaving for a little bit. And you are right, you don't ever want that surgery...I have seen a patient that had it, you don't need that.

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  32. Of course, I'm going to be the one who knows what the ghetto/slang terms are (or rather, the ones that are used in the porn industry and such) for your labia situation.

    Outer labia, on us bigger girls, the "mound" so to speak, is called the FUPA, or Fat Upper Pussy Area.

    Your "lady balls" are actually called "meat curtains."

    Go ahead, google that without the censorship on. Fun times.

    I don't have the meat curtains, but I swear my FUPA could have hidden half the Underground Railroad back in the day. ;)

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  33. Ok Amy, the most disturbing thing about this entire post is the picture of the turkey and the troll!! These will haunt my dreams tonight for sure.

    I think we should all adopt Drazil as our own personal Jiminy Cricket. Sitting on our shoulders egging us on in all sorts of naughty ways...

    BTW, trust me, the waxing ladies have seen it ALL and your super-labia wouldn't make them bat an eye. Or whatever.... :)

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  34. OM F'ing G.... Hilarious. I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say. So freakin' funny... love how honest you are and all that you share!!!

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  35. And where the hell is your Onderland post?!?!? Or is that going to be a Vlog?

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  36. Amy, I can't say anything that the others hasn't already said!! Hilarious! But I gotta say, fantastic, on hitting Onederland!! Wheres the post on it?

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  37. How does one explain themselves to their bosses why I am laughing so loudly! That turkey photo and unfortunately imagining Amy's lady nuts was to much...Amy you rock for topics like this!

    I was nervous initially when I went to see a "professional" but you know what, they have seen it all and now I don't care but I got a bit concerned last time I went because she started slapping talcum powder on me...I mean really giving me a good slap!

    Personally I go the landing strip, sort of in between a bikini and a full mow! I have done brazilian but heh..not for me....

    I even learned some new terminology from the comments.. Thanks Amy for a great laugh and a topic to contemplate!xx

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  38. O M G!!!!!!!! LOL You and Draz are going to kill me I swear to god!!! *whispers to you so no one else hears* My best friend is in the same situation. She has the hangers too. I had never seen anything like it but I have a problem all of my own about the same but different. (yes me and the best friend do show off our lady bits to see if it is too scary for others lol we are crazy) My problem is the same but with the pad area. It is so fat it hangs. I mean REALLY hangs it is creepy really. I think the only surgery I need when im done losing weight is a vag lift lol. I CANNOT believe I just said that so I am going to click send before I chicken out LOL

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  39. Makin a post about my lady station Im not to happy with mine either. :o(

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  40. Damn, how did I miss this one! Big.. fat... sigh.. Great post Amy, I will go to sleep dreaming of that turkey!!

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  41. Oh.my.god. I can't explain to my kids why mom is laughing so hard. Guess I'll just have to tell them that I saw a picture of a funny turkey.

    Lady nuts?! LOL!!!! This is too funny. WOnder how many ladies are going to be inspired by this post to go do some maintenance on the lady station. :)

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  42. I loved reading this post AND all the comments. I thought I was alone - but glad I am not!

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  43. as the token lesbian i am backing away from this post....

    i will just say...as a young woman i was very SURPISED to find out they all did not look alike. lol.

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  44. I'm going to have nightmares about a turkey chasing me tonight - I just know it.

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  45. Amy " Men love lady nuts ".......

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  46. Hahahahahsh-Andrew u have made my morning!

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  47. OMG I'm laughing so hard. This is my first visit, but I will definitely be back!

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  48. Amy you literally have me laughing out loud at 1 am! You need to be paid for this! he-larr-ee-us!!!

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