Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Power Skirts and Hairy Legs

Today I wearing one of my pencil skirts...which I like to refer to as my powerskirt...for no other reason than I am AWESOME when I wear it...except have you ever tried to get in and out of a pickup truck wearing a pencil skirt and heels?  That shit is hard work.  Let's just say that it's hard to be a lady sometimes....mmmmkay?  But I forgot to shave.  Like...for the last several days.  YIKERS!

Every day when I check the mail, I am hoping for money.  Do you do this?  I mean, no money is really coming...but every day I open that mailbox and have hope that some random check will be there with my name on it.  Seriously.  But alas, there are usually just coupons for pizza and carpet cleaning.

I want to take you guys back to last week.  First, thanks for all the responses regarding food making the world go round.  Some of you were actually so worried about me you sent me private emails...like I frightened you and you were worried that I was standing on a bridge holding oreos in one hand and peanut butter m & m's in the other...thank you for all the concern.  It makes me feel loved.  I am really in a pretty good place mentally...other than the normal hum drum things that can get us all moody from time to time.  Perhaps someday...maybe when I am 89 or so...I will not care about food, the scale, my thighs...but until then...at least it keeps me busy On Thursday night, some pretty spectacular things started to happen.  Pensacola got a baseball team this year, the Blue Wahoos.  They are triple A, or double A, or Aplus...something...they feed to the Cincinnati Reds.  Heather and I enjoy going.  They stadium is beautiful, right on the water, and you are close enough to the players you can actually see them...and their butts.  And I appreciated a nice big baseball player booty...okay?  So we went to a game Thursday night, and from out of nowhere...up comes a thunderstorm.  Like...a serious thunderstorm.  Most people left, but we werent leaving until they called it.  While we were huddled by the concession stands, the "cheer squad" started throwing out hot dogs.  They do this at every game, and every game my little heart starts to pitter patter at the thought of a hot weenie.  They are DEEEE-LISH-US.  Well, seeing how we were all huddled in a damp pod, I actually caught one.  It was magical.  :)I ate that sucker in about 3 minutes flat.  Bun and all.  I may like the lady lillie's now, but mama never passes up a free wiener.

Well, the game did get called for rain, and all of the little pep squad people, and a couple of the players ran out on the tarp...it was still storming, but it was like a giant slipper slide.  Heather really wanted to go out there...and so I said to her "You only live once babe"...that was all it took (and about 42 ounces of beer she had ingested).  We dropped our things, hopped the fence and took off running.  The problem was, by this point, all of the workers were gone.  So it was just me and Heather out there on this baseball field, sliding on our stomachs.  We got about 3 slides in before the announcer came on the loud speaker and said "Fans, please get off the field". 

So we ran off the field, up the stadium, and out of the stadium.  It was awesome.  Here is a picture of the field covered.
So, bc our game was rained out, I went down on Friday to exchange our tickets and managed to land section 100...which is directly behind home plate.  Now you should know, that I have had one goal since the season started several months ago.  (Well, if you dont count catching a hot dog).  That one goal was to get on the JumboTron.  You know, they have camera's scanning the crowds, catching people dancing or staring or smiling.  Well, the camera ALWAYS lands on section 100...and I just knew that Friday night would be my night.  I had my routine all planned.  I wasn't going to act embarrassed or giggle when the camera found me...like most folks...oh no.  I would OWN IT. 

It was the 8th inning.  I was loaded up on Pepsi.  There was a break in the game.  There was a some music playing...

and then it happened....

I was on the JumboTron. 

What happened next was a blur...but I immediately broke into my dance routine.  There was booty popping, there was dropping it like it was hot...at one point, I was practically humping the backside of the gentleman's head in front of me.  It was epic.  Heather was crying from laughter.  It all happened so fast...but Heather swears I was dancing for at least a full minute.  The crowd was cheering.

Seriously.  It was the best 60-80 seconds of my life.  For one mere moment...I was flipping AMAZING.  After that, all my new friends surrounding us were giving me high fives and loving me up.  They might have wanted my autograph...but they were probably too embarrassed to ask.  You know...star struck.

The above picture comes from the album entitled "I have a gigantic bucket head and my partner has a peahead".  We have discussed this before.  But, with a little angling, you can make your head appear not so gigantic.
I also need to discuss how it's freaking raining babies and engagement rings up in this joint (also know as my life).  Everyone is getting pregnant or having kids.  Everyone is getting rings and planning weddings.  OKAY.  Not EVERYONE...but several people.  And while Heather and I most of the time agree that we don't really want kids (because we are selfish and want to buy a boat and workout supplements (heather says I have to stop talking about workout supplements on Facebook bc people are going to think I am using Steroids)), regardless of not wanting kids...babies are so damn cute and sometimes I wish that there was a possibility of one of us getting pregnant...not from doing the deed with others...but you know...like two eggs to could make a baby.  Sigh.  Because let's face it.  Our baby girl would be precious.  And I NEED a baby girl so she can dance and sing with me and brush my hair when I tell her too. 

Our friend Maddi and Peter just had a little boy.  Our friend Lisa (Heather's boss) just had a little girl.  My best friend in Seattle just had a little boy.  My coworker and her sister, both my friends, are pregnant!  My coworker is engaged!  Catherine is engaged!  I wanna be engaged!  My finger would look lovely with a nice diamond on it.  Sigh.  I am going to start looking for jobs in states where it's legal for us to be married.  Heather said we can move anywhere as long as I am getting paid double my current salary.  Are any of you hiring? 

Until then, here I am holding Nylah Jane. 
Babies are cute.  I wanna eat their faces.

I gained weight this weekend.  SHOCKING.  Not really since I ate blueberry pie, chocolate chip cookies, and a delicious steak with bread and pesto and other yummy items.  But come yesterday, I am back at it. 

Let's see...what else what else....

I think that's it for now.  I have another post brewing in my head. 

Until then my friends- 

your sister in banding, humor, or just plain prettiness...



  1. Mama never passes up a free wiener! Words to live by! Glad you got your fame on for the Jumbo Tron, wish you had a video!!!

  2. LOL! Great post. I wish I could have seen your booty dance.

  3. I just had a head size discussion with one of our contractors! Bwahaha... I am in your camp. I have a big noggin.

  4. Oh girl you make me smile...
    You would think with all these medical advances they would have come up with a way for you to have a baby lol. Tell Heather she can still get you a ring... you can be engaged until your state legalizes! (btw, i never turn down a good weiner either lol)

    I just realized I never posted my blog link..here i've been commenting and stalking you.. Here it is love


  5. OMG you have me cracking up this morning, thank you! I wish there was video of the Jumbo Tron performance!

    Washington is voting on gay marriage this fall, as you probably know since your BFF lives in Seattle. You and Heather would be a welcome addition! The weather would kill you, though. Seriously, this is slit your wrists stuff we're having. Or stand on a bridge holding M&Ms and Oreos stuff. Baaaaaaddd.

  6. I thought there was a process were they took DNA from 2 females and made a female baby, but I cannot find the article. Oh well. My child is awesome, but he takes up all of my free time and money (which I don't mind) and the little time where he is sleeping and I'm not working I have to co-manage the house and spend time with the hubbs... Some of this time I spend trying to figure out WTF is on my child's (and hubbs) clothes!! So I can understand not wanting to give up all of your free time or your money.

  7. I just ran across your blog somehow, and tears were running down my face as I laughed! Adding you to my favorites...

  8. This post made me smile from beginning to end. Wish you had video of the jumbo tron booty dance. I always miss the best stuff!

  9. Hysterical - I just choked on the nachos I was sucking down! Come up to Long Island - Marriage is Legal here - its been a wedding blitz ever since they passed the vote last year - and I love a good wedding - not that you have to invite me - but I am an excellent tolken drunk!

  10. I didn't know Planet Awesome had a blog! Cool beans...I'll have to add you to my reading material now! Amy, I just want to tell you that I have always admired your spirit. You are truly aspiring...and AAH-mazing!!

  11. dang it! I want turn our field into a giant slip and slide…. funny how heather waited for you to give a nod, lol my girl is the same way, I could have been sneezing and she would have interpreted it as a "sure babe go for it" but if I would have gave her the who just farted look (because I never tell my girl no) she would have asked rephrased and negotiated until she got what she wanted anyway lol jumbo tron REALLY?? DAMNNNN I wished I wasn’t so shy, life would be so much more fun, I probably would have killed myself hitting the floor seeing myself pictured up there.