Wednesday, June 20, 2012


If you could wish for just one thing...what would you wish for? As I lay in bed, which I have realized is where I apparently do a great deal of thinking, most of it irrational...I was pondering what it is I wish for most in this life.

Money?  No
A job I love?  No
Boobs that sit where they belong and dont look like basset hound ears when I am brushing my teeth?  No.

I mean, don't get my wrong.  I would take any of those things.  But if I had one wish...I think I would wish for

Not WORLD peace...bah...

Internal peace.  I am at war with myself all of the time.  That may have been a smidge dramatic...but I do feel like inside my brain I am always fighting something.  It could be the food fight, the weight fight, the money fight, the job fight, the "not good enough" fight.  It is rare that I feel "peace".  There are times, and they come upon me at the most random times, when for a few minutes I actually feel IT.  It's so calm.  And in that moment I want for nothing, I hate nothing...I am peace.  But then it's gone again.  And sometimes it is the opposite end of the spectrum.  Like if Peace was at one end, my brain resides at the other far as the other end can be.  The 7th hemisphere of Planet Zorg?

And as more and more "real life" people read my blog, I find myself hesitating to share this crazy place in my brain.  Because what if they realize that I am a sham?  Then again, most of the "real life" people who read my blog have seen some pretty unattractive sides of Amy.  So maybe I am fooling no one.

Maybe peace with yourself and with life comes with age.  I can't say I am any more at peace now than when I was 22...I think the wars in my head have maybe matured...but they are still the same.  I also am not sure many people find internal peace...although I think some  of you are further along that road than me.  So maybe there is hope.  Or maybe ya'll are just good pretenders too. 

I can only hope that if I dont make peace or find peace 100%, that at least I will get to a point where I feel it at least 51%. 

I think probably all along, I have searched for things or people to bring me peace.  And years ago I finally realized that it doesn't come from outside things.  You dont find peace when you lose weight, find your soulmate, achieve financial stability, land the dream job.  It's mastering your thinking until your thinking becomes different.  I just made that up.  I am not sure it even makes sense.

Lord this is too deep for a Wednesday afternoon.

In other news...I am looking pretty precious today in some pencil/ankle length slacks, leopard print flats, and a blue button down shirt.

It's the small things people.


Oh.  And seriously.  I want to know what you would wish for.  It was not a rhetorical question.


  1. Peace is good. I was a constant ball of tension and about 3 years ago, I just let go. It sucked and I was humbled in many ways (which was uber painful), but it was worth it. I get upset these days, but then it melts away.

    I honestly don't know what the "one thing" I would wish for would be. Happiness, maybe?

  2. What a great blog. Incredibly insightful. I wish I could do that. But that's not my one wish. My one wish is for contentment. Like sadness, happiness is fleeting. It's the underlying foundation that I want - and that's contentment. But then peace might just be another word for that.

    For what it's worth, I don't think it comes with age. Acceptance comes with age; the ability to pick your battles comes with age; focusing on priorities becomes easier with age. But internal peace, I think that goes back to your most formative years, developmentally speaking. If you were peaceful (or content) then, the groundwork is laid. It's doing what we can to keep it going now that is hard. I know, at the core, that I'm a contented person. But even with that, I do struggle at times, based on the situations of those times. I'm able to get back to content, though, because it's at the core of who I am.

    Picture please.

    And I know you are waiting on an email from me. I haven't forgotten! (yeah, I know you're waiting with baited breath...but the point is...I am responding. lol)

  3. I would wish for a family of my very own.

  4. Amy,
    Let me share my experience with you..
    Through out most of my life (including recent adult hood) I held alot of anger within.

    When my husband was dx, the anger escalated I knew (from my background) that he would die from the cancer he had. How cruel was life and GOd to do this to me.. I had no inner peace. I was angry and I took it out on myself and gained almost 70 lbs to cope with my anger.
    That kind of stress or anger wears on you.. and skews how you see everything in the world. So I had the anger thing going on pretty heavy. After my husband's death it was if my entire mind was wiped blank.. I had sorrow and sadness, but I had no anger. I had no real emotions within but came to the decision that if I were to move on in life I had to find peace with myself and that was to let go of anger and realize that LIFE itself is what you make it.. and without inner Peace and acceptance you will always be second guessing.
    I can't say I am at 100% peace, but my outlook in life is much much different than before my husband's death (and I am not saying someone should die to reach this realization) it's just that the event turned my life upside down and forced me to re-evaluate everything. One big change is that I focused on my own mental health and what I thought was best for me in life, not who to please or what would people think. I can assure you that some of my decisions were gossiped by others, but I did not give a hoot. too bad.. its my life, its my inner peace.. here's hoping you find that place that makes you happy. .hugs

  5. I think many of us understand the war inside and I really hope you get you're peace... as for me peace is up there but I would ask for time to rewind back to the beginning (my beginning not THE beginning) so I can get another chance and do alot of things differently but I would want to do it all again with the knowledge that I have now or i would probably make alot of the same mistakes.

  6. Hey, Amy. I just finished your Wahoos post (working my way to your current post). I was also at a rained-out game hiding under the concession stand but a) I did not catch a dog and b) I did not get to slip and slide. And on top of that, I missed your moment in the spotlight! I really, really wish I could've seen that! I bet it was awesome! I'm glad you were able to enjoy your time in the lights!

  7. To be a good mother to my children while being able to be good to myself

  8. I don't know what I would wish for because this revolves around what you ultimately think you deserve and I don't think I am to that point yet. Have spent too many years putting other's need in front of mine...

    1. this mirrors my response. I sat here for a good 5 minutes or so wondering what it is that I wish for. It was when I read trishajo's response that I realised anything I did think was a wish of mine was centred on what someone else wants. Every time I have really wished for something, it has been to stop being fat. But now I understand that losing the weight doesn't mean anything other than that I have lost weight. it might not make me happy, but I would be happy thinking that losing weight will fix everything.

      Ok now I'm rambling!!

      What do I wish for? Who the hell knows ...

  9. Happiness for me. I hope you find your peace, Amy. :)

  10. I love this post...and I have sat here wondering what I would wish for. I have a simple life, healthy children, a good lookin' hubby who works very hard so I can stay home with the munchkins...So really? hmmmmm. Then it came to me. I know it sounds really selfish, but I WISH FOR a Cleaning Lady. yes. Someone ELSE to clean my house every week. Sigh. And then I wish for inner peace. Yes. In that order. :)

  11. Well, I have two words for you....AGE and THERAPY! Seriously, I have done a great deal of work in therapy, but I think most of the inner peace I have now, is a gift of age. I feel content most of the time. I still have hormonal outbreaks, but that's about it. I realize, as I am screeching up on 50, that I'm okay, and if I treat myself as kindly as I treat others, I continue to be okay, and in the end...if I'm okay, everything else just falls into place. It's really much less complicated than we make it! Peace!

  12. For the moment I just wish for my decision to get the lap band to be the best one for me and my life. I get banded next week...scared yet exited!!!

  13. Instantly every instinct in my body screamed TIME is what I would wish for. I am 35 years old and feel as if I have lost the last 20 years. All I can think is that I need TIME. Time to spend with my children doing nothing, just being, without those niggling thoughts of what I should be accomplishing. Time to learn everything that I want to learn before I die. Time to visit all the places I want to see. Time to teach. Time to love wholly and be loved. Time to grow things to maturity. Time to watch the world change. Time to sit and smell the flowers. You get the point. I feel like time is slipping away and I will die before I am ready.

  14. Z... congrats on the band. It was the best thing i ever did for my self... then the Tummy tuck.

    As i sit at my desk, pondering your question, i thought this is more difficult than i thought it would be. Calmness.. is that the same as Peace? I guess... well anyway. I wish I had that feeling of ...everything is going to be good. I wish i had a better feeling of self. I wish i could take a compliment better. But most of all i really need the answer to one question that has consumed me in every way. DID MY HUSBAND CHEAT ON ME? I really need that answer. Last year he go a text from an old girlfriend and when I saw it, i asked him to open it and he refused. He swears that nothing happened, but my gut.. well it says other wise. I feel that either something did happen or was going too. That would be it.... I wish for that answer

  15. I'm with you, sister friend.
    Come find me in my new blog when you have a moment...

  16. Same as you , wishing inner peace !!! Is a constant struggle , always thinking never finding that peace !

  17. "It's mastering your thinking until your thinking becomes different.
    I just made that up. I am not sure it even makes sense."

    IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE! This is the first time I've read your blog and peace is attainable. My favorite phrase right now is: Peace is possible the moment you just stop. Whether it be eating, spending, fretting, etc.....just stop. I need to let myself know that it is ok to feel uncomfortable and not try to stuff the emotions with food. The uncomfortable moment will pass, probably with less guilt, if I don't stuff myself.