Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A little mind babble to make you smile

Oh dear, woe is me.

I have been freebasing Sunkist all day and just ate some reindeer poop. Seriously. Here is the bag of chocolate covered raisins someone left on my desk.

I also have eaten a little bag of cheetos and a bowl of soup. But with 1000 calories in pop alone...oh boy. Amy feels a little bloated and lethargic. I have noticed now that I don't eat crap 24/7, when I do eat a lot of bad things...it really has an impact on my energy level. I guess it is like putting tainted fuel in your car. Not good for the guts.

Other random thoughts spoke out of a food coma haze:

Do you ever pass a mattress discarded along side the road and wonder WHO
IN THE HELL WAS SLEEPING ON SUCH A THING? I mean, someone was using it!
Then I remember how thankful I am that it was not me.

I thought of a very descriptive way to explain what it feels like when you have food stuck and it finally passing through the band. To Tracey the other day I said, "It feels like your band just passed a big turd." Really though. Aren't I right? It's like when you poop a massive one and it hurts for a second (I pretend I am giving birth to a child and do Lamaze) but when it passes through it is the biggest feeling of relief. lol. I am laughing because that is gross...even for me!

I feel bad for the Salvation Army people and their red kettles. I never have cash or change. If they would let me swipe my debit card it would be a whole different story! As I think about it, we have a container of change we collect at home. I should go dump it in a kettle today.

Just now, I found myself staring at the wall in my office. At nothing. Just staring and drooling slightly. SUNKIST INDUCED COMA!

Today I tried on some jeans at Target. Size 16. They actually fit. No muffin top. No seams getting ready to pop. Actual room in the pants. They were too long though. Damn tall people.

The other day we saw dolphins swimming in the ocean (technically it is the Gulf of Mexico). They were the littlest dolphins I have ever seen. Dwarf like. I named them Dwarfins. hahah...get it?

I have a toliet paper phobia. I hate wet toilet paper! In or out of the toilet.

Are you one of those people that blow their nose and then inspect the tissue. If so...STOP. Please.

I love Christmas. But it's gone too soon. I just wish time would stop on Christmas morning. OOOh, or I wish we could have Christmas morning EVERY morning.

Tracey's new favorite thing to do is pick me up. Not carrying me in a his arms, but wrapping his arms around me in a bear hug and picking me up. I will not lie. Every time he does this I envision his back snapping in two and my weight crumpling his bones into a pile of ash.

The other night in my parents condo we were all sitting around doing nothing so I started reading to the family...from my Cosmo magazine...and article about vaginas. When my mom stated that she had heard it is recommended by most doctors now to shave all of your pubic hair off, I knew it was time to change the subject.

Happy Tuesday fellow bloggers and blog readers! I wish everyone could come over and we could have a slumber party, watch Grease, and brush each others hair!


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  2. Thank you so much for another wonderful blog post. This one was especially fantastic because you mentioned both turds and vaginas. I love you! Also, thanks for the comment on my depressing post, I feel better already!

  3. OMG... I am trying hard not to snort and laugh at the same time! Note to self... do not eat or drink while reading Amy's posts!!! So funny... I'm hitting the mid-afternoon coma period, and have been sneaking hershey's kisses off my own desk... yikes. Good luck with the rest of the day! And thank you for reminding me NOT to talk to my mother about vaginas. Merry Christmas.

  4. Turds, shaving pubic hair and other ramblings. Where am I? Oh yes, my beloved Amy's blog.LMAO! I wish my blog was as exciting as yours. :P
    I can tell you were writing in a sugar induced haze and we love it. I'm all for watching Grease, but we have to watch Grease 2 as well. I just love a coooooool rider! :)

  5. You are too funny Amy!! I love to read your posts.

    Whenever I find a new bandster, or about to be banded person, I always recommend your blog to them to read because you give such good information, both the good & the bad!!

    Keep it up! I too love Christmas.

    Oh, yesterday I was at Sams Club & there was an old man manning the Salvation Army bucket & I apologized that I didn't have any money to give, he said (very sarcastically) why don't you write a check!! Well, if I had a check on me, I would have, but I almost always use the Debit card too!!!

    I just couldn't believe his remarks! And he said something bad to anyone who passed by & didn't leave anything! So much for the spirit of Christmas. Not everyone can afford to give this year!! He was assuming they weren't giving because of selfishness, rather than just not being able to afford it!! What a downer.

    Happy Holidays & Merry Christmas

  6. Holy cow! You crack me up!!!! Thanks for making me smile!

  7. AMY!!! Why do you do this to me!!!! You alllllwwwaaayyysss make me LOL at work! You are HILARIOUS! esp when High on Sunkist and Poop! LOLOL

  8. Tracey's back snapping in two and him crumbling in a pile of ash is just classic, and I laughed right out loud...good thing i'm already home and only the doggies heard me. I'm actually waiting for that day too, when steve can pick me up and twirl me a little..he probably could now, but I don't want to worry about a hernia or something equally awful happening to him.

  9. I just sat here reading your entire post outloud to Rick and we are both dying laughing. I love your honesty and humor! Best part was I have caught myself pooing and doing lamaze like sounds hahaha. Congrats on the 16's thats a huge step!

  10. Turds, Vagina's and everything in between.. Hmm, also a very random mixed post..now is my turn to ask.. Have you been drinking.?? lol..
    I love your way with words.. Congrats on the sz 16.. you go girl.. oh and go easy on the Reindeer Poop..
    xx Nene

  11. Good grief - the Reindeer poop had me going!! And to think you eat them (chocolate covered sultanas...someone has a sense of humor!)

    Feel better now? That was a lot of things going on in your pretty head. Nice that you hit the size 16's... you go girl.

    Have the best Christmas ever.
    Cara xxxx

  12. Thanks for the heads up...as a new bandster I now know what to expect when food gets stuck in my band and finally goes through...it's just like a big poo...thanks for the insight ;)

  13. Ahhhhh grease! Me too! I love all your random thoughts, too many to comment on all of them. But there are too many days when my mind does this same thing, I assume it's the ADD. haha!

  14. "Just now, I found myself staring at the wall in my office. At nothing. Just staring and drooling slightly."

    This was the most awesome post I've ever read. ever.