Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I Should Be Getting Hotter

At my highest, and when I started this blog, you know I felt pretty good about myself. The weird thing is...how good I feel about myself hasnt increased.

I have been thinking about this post for awhile, because when I write it in my head...I confuse myself, and I don't want to transfer this confusion to you!

So let's start with a simple example.

Let's say that at 327 pounds, I thought the likelihood of a man checking me out was three out of every ten men. Like if I walked by a guy, there was a 30% chance he would be giving me the "what for" glance. And my point is (yes I do have one) is that logically, since men are visual creatures, I should be more attractive to a greater number of people now....right?

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think my sexy level has increased. Why don't I? I mean I usally FEEL sexy. I carry myself well. I walk with a little swing, head held high, etc. But I always have.

And I promise that I am not fishing for compliments here and you don't need to shower me with "Amy you are beautiful" comments (although a compliment shower IS my favorite kind of rainstorm), but I don't feel like I am pretty. Pretty as in the girly "Oh she is so pretty" kind of way. I feel like guys see me as one of the guys.

Funny how this post makes it seem like I need validation from the male species. LOL. And let me note for record that Tracey showers me with compliments every single day. He thinks I am pretty, hot, and every other positive descriptive adjective out there. It is really about me and my mind not growing with my shrinking size. It is weird. And I wanted to share.

On another note: A couple of weeks ago I got my first "I didn't even recognize you" compliment. This was at bootcamp and I saw a coworker that who I haven't seen in awhile. Maybe 6-9 months. I saw her from across the gym and I waved at her. She looked at me and half smiled and then looked away. I got closer and I said "Hi Sis!" And she said "Oh my God I didn't even know that was you"!

That's a nice one. I heard this again today when I walked into HR. I see these ladies all the time but today they said "We were watching you come up and we didnt even recognize you until you walked in".

Good times.

Still 200.0 on the scale today. That's okay. It will happen. And to be honest with you, it probably won't happen tomorrow...seeing as how I had Cheetos, a peanut butter cup, snickers, and peanuts all before lunch :)

Oopsie. My bad!


  1. Amy, seriously, every word you just wrote, I could have written myself! I have always thought of myself as a goddess, and I don't anticipate it changing. And while I think we may be in the minority when it comes to fatties, isn't it a fantastic way to be? Isn't it just so much more fun? Really!

    I want to tell you that I love reading your blog for 2 reasons: the first is that you are hilarious and open and you seem like a chucklehead (which is a good thing) and I could totally see drinking beer with you. The other reason is, in your before pics, take your head off and put mine on and it's the same girl! I swear! So you are like a shining beacon (a ray of sunshine, one might say!) to what it possible! Because you look GOOD, girlfriend!


  2. i kinda think i know how you feel
    ive wanted to do a post sorta like this for months now
    its kinda like ok i was 265 at my highest and pretty confident i guess well at least felt ok
    but now at 180 something i feel fat all the time
    like im not good enough and illnever get to my goal instead of feeling good about everything ive accomplished
    isnt it ust crazy
    so i think thats kinda what your sayin right

  3. Thanks Gilly!

    Bee-kinda. But I do feel good about myself and for sure less fat than before. It just seems that compared to my level of self esteem before, it should have increased. But it really hasnt. Like if I thought 3 out of 10 men checked me out before, shouldnt I think that 6 out of 10 men check me out now?

  4. Ames~ This is me NOT telling you that you are beautiful, HOT etc..... :P

  5. I have to tell you .. I had to show my husband your last year beach pic/this year back pic..and he was like.. "whoa..she's all sorts of hot" .. :0) and that made me smile..I know he thinks I'm hot now ..but I hope I can be "all sorts of hot" about a year from now!

  6. Yeah I totally get what you are saying. My husband has always showered me with compliments too. He thinks I am the hottest thing alive and I have never really understood that. I have always thought that I have a lil somethin somethin but not super hottness. I have only lost 16lbs so I am no where near my goal or near a drastic improvement like you have had but it's kinda scary thinking about how I will feel when I look completely different. People have been complimenting me and saying that they can totally tell I have lost weight, so it is rather annoying when I have to explain that I have been stuck at 191 since surgery and they look at me like, HUH? Yeah I am stumped!

  7. I am always so happy when you post these random thought blogs. I feel the same way after only losing a little over 40 pounds (I can only imagine how it will be after I lose as much as you).

    I thought I was decent before and I feel decent now. But I feel like I should feel so much more attractive. I am definitely a reverse-body-dysmorphia girl in that at my largest I never really saw this super fat chick that every one else saw and I think it has carried into my weight loss as true body-dysmorphia. I don't see the big changes that everyone else tells me they see. I know that I am smaller because I am in smaller clothes but I don't feel sexier or more pretty. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel like clothes fit me weird, I am a little awkward, and my face just doesn't remind me of me right now.

    I was hoping it would get better with time so it is good (really it is) that it may not. I wonder when we'll get our more-sexy back (if not at 127 pounds down)?

  8. You reek self-confidence & it carries though in everything you do! I love it :)

  9. I don't know your complete history, but I've been fat since I was little. I have fat goggles. I can't really see the difference between me now and myself 90 pounds ago. Unless, of course, I do a side-by-side photo comparison.

  10. Little teeny weeny Amy W. - you are a hottie bo-bottie if I ever saw one! And here's my question of the day or thought. I think 10 of 10 men are checking you out. I mean how do you know they aren't? Men are sneeaaakky when they check out a chick - hell - they could be doing double takes for all you know right? Right? LOL

  11. I think this is just a case of denial. You're just not noticing men noticing you as much. This happens with people who have always been thing all the time. I a friend who's an absolutely knockout...guys check her out constantly and she's oblivious. The reason? She just doesn't care. She's married with the love of her life, is self confident (sound familiar? it should)and doesn't give a hoot what anyone thinks so it's like she's got blinders on. Sounds the same with you.

  12. I think it's terrific that you know you are smaller and healthier, but still feel the same degree of sexy/hottitude. It speaks voulumes of your style and confidence. When I look at your before pics, I see a woman who know's she's got it going on at any size. I say "bravo!" And too bad for the rest of the world (or the 7 men who didn't check you out). They are the ones missing out, certainly not you!
    Broken record here:
    Tess saying "Amy...you rock!"

  13. Yeah, how do you know 10 out of 10 aren't checking you and 30% just suck at being discrete about it?

  14. Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem a little bothered by the fact that your self confidence hasn't raised exponentially (not sure if that's the right word, but is sounds smart) to your weight loss. Maybe you should focus on your physicial skills that have improved with your weight loss ie, not getting out of breath walking up steps. This has to make you extremely proud. Also, becoming such an inspiration to this blogging community is a wonderful accomplishment.

  15. I know you dont expect for us to tell you you're gorgeous.. But you truely are.. You are one of the very lucky ones that have always had that confidence. No matter what your size. I so wish I had a pinch of it.

    The only guy you need to feel sexy for is Tracey.. Isnt it lovely that he loved you at your biggest, and just as much as you are shrinking.. Maybe because you are so loved up with him, that you dont notice as many looks coming your way, because you might not think of it like that.. hmm doesnt sound right, kinda hard to explain.. hope you know what I mean.
    xx Nene

  16. You're so close to onederland!!! Sending you some vibes! I love your confidence, I wish I had half of it.

  17. I found myself struggling with this just yesterday in some sad attempt to validate that I wasn't losing my mind. I lost weight about 4 years ago and I could have sworn that at the same weight I am now, I looked a lot better. (I wasn't thinking about being younger then, or happy because of my pending divorce.) But I just wanted to walk around all day long and have strangers tell me that I was pretty. For no reason other than I wanted it to happen.

  18. Ahhh Amy..... my little ray of poopiness HA! All I can say is that I wish I had a friend like you that lived closer. We would be buds. You're a funny, terrific SEXY kinda girl and here's the thing - you get validated in so many different ways. My guess is guys DO check you out - some are just underhanded about how they do it. I mean I get checked out!! ME! A 44 year old. Now if I do, you better believe that vivacious chick like yourself is being looked at. No if whats or buts.
    I was looking at some before and after pics of you a while back and MOTH passed by. The admiration and verbal acknowledgement on just how bloody great you look came gushing out from him. And believe me when I say this man NEVER says that about a woman unless prompted (no prompting going on here either.. it was all him.) On second thoughts.. stay where you are in Florida thousands of miles away. You might be too much temptation ;) xxxxx Love you!!

  19. You should come to New York. Men are more vocal about checking women out. When I lost some weight a few years ago, I was walking around the city and some construction workers whistled and hooted at me. I was so excited I called my husband at work and screamed I STILL GOT IT in his ear. He was like, You go, sweetie.

    Gotta love these guys of ours, aren't they the greatest?

  20. I disagree with you - I think, because of what I read, that how good you feel about yourself HAS increased. If you re-read your blog you might see what I'm talking about - but there is an elegance to you now that was hidden before. It's always been there but it's more dominant now. And the elegance is just one of many examples. Your confidence has absolutely blossomed - but because you are the person you are, you are not cocky about it. And that's amazing and inspirational!

    And just for good measure, you are hot sexy gorgeous and truly amazing. A true inspiration - and I want to be just like you when I grow up (or down).

  21. OK, here's a theory that I'm going to test out on you. What if it's that 70% of guys prefer to check out women who are in the "ideal" BMI. . and that, of the 30% who aren't stuck in that mindset, you've been getting checked out by every single one of them from the time you were at your highest to right now?

    Following that theory. . that means that the proportion of men checking you out will not drastically shift for a few more pounds. But 30% is pretty darned good. Seriously!

    Actually, I think you might want to consider hiring a bodyguard after you take off the next 10! :) Hee hee! (But seriously, think about it!)