Thursday, March 25, 2010

Bad Dreams, Bad Mood, Bad 'Tude

Sometimes I have a day when it's very hard to turn my frown upside down.

Welcome to that day.

I am a dreamer...not only in the philosophical sense, but the literal one as well. I have very vivid, usually very odd dreams. I dream every night. Last night my dreams were bad ones. People trying to kill me, Tracey leaving me, me not having correct underwear and having to wear Tracey's...

you know. Run of the mill average dreams. Well I had to wake up before I could resolve these problems in my dreams. Yes...usually while I am dreaming I can say to my dreaming self: Amy, you are dreaming...fix this now".

I didn't have time this morning and the bad feelings in my dreams followed me into my normal life. I noticed this in the shower because I wasn't singing. I was just staring at the tile.

So, that is one reason I am grumpy.

The other reason is because I posted twice yesterday and couldn't figure out why, for the life of me, my followers hated me. I only got 2 responses. My world must be ending. But today I noticed that I wasn't getting any blogger notices in my email and I had been posting on other blogs so I should have at least got something!

Turns out I must have accidentally marked my blogger emails as spam...and sure enough. I found all of your comments from yesterday in my spam mail. Thank God I found them and fixed that problem.

And here is another reason I have a bad 'tude today. I do realize that by typing this I may come off as completely selfish and horrible, but you know the true I trust in your love.

Tracey's grandpa died yesterday. And a couple of years ago, it came out that Grandpa had done some bad things to Grandma (who died last summer) and to Tracey's mom and other daughter. Grandpa had dementia and Tracey's parents lived in his house to take care of him. He was in his 90's and had a bad ticker. He died yesterday at a rehab facility (he had forgotten how to walk). So it is an odd situation bc I love Tracey's mom and didn't know what to say as I held her yesterday while we were waiting for them to come pick up the body. Do I say "He is in a better place now"...bc she believes in Heaven and Hell...but I don't know if she believes he went to the good place or the bad place.

I digress. I am getting off track.

Here comes the Horrible Amy part.

Grandpa's funeral is on Saturday. At 9:00 am. Do you know what else is on Saturday at 9:30 a.m.? The biggest Zumba event in Pensacola history that I have been dying to go to for weeks AND already bought my ticket in advance, AND was going with Mary and her niece and others from my work.

When Tracey told me that the funeral was Saturday...I almost cried. I couldn't hide my disappointment in my voice. Tracey told me that he knew how important Zumba was to me and that I didnt have to come to the funeral. He was serious. And said it with love.

Of course I am going to the funeral and not Zumba. Damn though! Really? Can't the world revolve around me and my workout schedule?


I told you I am horrible.



  1. You're not horrible. What a crazy time and a crazy mess of emotions to be dealing with. Today can be a better day, know I love ya and I'm sending positivity your way. XXXXXx

  2. The sun'll come out tomorrow (well, maybe not literally--I haven't checked the weather yet...and it is quite ugly on the Gulf Coast today, I must admit). I love you and am thinking about you during this rough patch.

  3. That reminds me of what happened to me in 2003. We had a big trip planned to disney. My hubby, our girls (4 and 7 at the time), my Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister-in-law. The day before I was at Target getting a couple of last minute things, really excited about the trip. My hubby calls and I answer all happy thinking he's going to remind me to get something and he's crying - his Dad has passed away. The back story is that we've always had a volatile relationship with Dave's family. There had been a lot of issues and at this point we hadn't talked to them in a year. We decided that Dave would go to funeral and then he met us in Disney a few days later. I didn't feel guilty at all.

  4. You know what, it isn't horrible to be sad about missing something that is important to YOU. You should never feel bad about that. The fact that Tracy understands this is amazing and shows how much he loves you.

    Is there any way you can swing both? Go the funeral, offer your condolences and then slip off to the Zumba event? You may miss less of it than you think- these things rarely start on time. :)

    Hang in there, these sour spots make the sweet ones all the better.

  5. You are not horrible Amy. I love you grumpy and happy. I think you're amazing and real, just the way I like my friends. I'm glad you can share these feelings so we can all support you.
    Here's hoping the world goes back to revolving around you and your workout schedule very soon!

  6. You are most definitely not horrible. You should not feel bad because of your feelings. Of COURSE you were disappointed - it was something you were really looking forward to. If you had said, "Eff yoo, Tracey. Deal with it alone," you might have been a LITTLE horrible, and it was awesome of him to make the offer to skip the funeral, but please don't be hard on yourself for something you felt.

    When my FIL was in the hospital very ill 8 years ago, I was disappointed that we were missing my birthday celebration. Of COURSE I never told my husband that, and I stayed with him in the hospital every day. Feelings happen. We wouldn't be human otherwise.

  7. First off let me say how WONDERFUL I find you and your blog. I have never found someone who writes a blog with so much joy and humor. LOVES IT!! Ok I just found you yesterday after seeing your link on another blog…I think “lovemylapband”. Anyways, you have inspired me. I am a 269 lb. 41 year old single mom who has just recently gone through chemo, double mastectomy and radiation for breast cancer. Your joy and humor mirror mine which is why I find you so refreshing. I am just now getting to April 2009 of your blog (yes I started from day 1) and it is soooooo GOOD. I am trying not to make this long, but its like following a celebrity because you have me addicted like I almost am to the celebrity blogs I read. I can’t turn away. I have decided as of Tuesday to do the Lap Band. I, like you felt it was like cheating and that folk should just stop eating and develop stronger willpower, but as much as I was talking to them I was also talking to myself; I even wrote a book about it (google “Life Beyond Size 6”). Years of taking my son to football, soccer and band practice have caught up with me. So when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last May I was determined to turn my life around and not only beat this thing, but live a healthier life. So in September I will do the Lapdance with Dr. Woodman here in Memphis. I picked September because I will be done with 3 out 4 reconstructive surgeries and it will give me a chance to save up the $500 I need for the upfront money to the doctor. The good thing is that my insurance will pay 100% of the cost. YIPPPPPPIEEE!! Insurance dictates that I prove that I have been dieting for six months and that’s a go. Have been since August and have managed to lose 17lbs.

    A friend of mine got Lapped this past August and has lost 80lbs (down from 304). Her journey has convinced me to join her. I am so proud of her!!

    Anyway I just had to comment on your blog. I wasn’t going to until I saw today’s entry and saw that you read and look forward to comments, Yay!! I have so many questions, but I will just go back to April and continue reading. I got a lot of catching up to do. Please, Please, PLEASE don’t stop what you are doing! You are an inspiration to many.

    BTW, my condolences to Tracey and his family as well as you. There will be another BIG Zumba event. You are wonderful to be by his side in this time. I’m sure he will appreciate you for it.


    Pam-your newest sooned to be Lapped fan

  8. You are not horrible. Death is never convenient and it's ok to be sad about the missed opportunities as a result of death. Good for you, though, for sticking with Tracey (as if you could actually not). Another Zumba opportunity will come along. I strongly believe in Karma - what goes around comes around. If you do the right thing, some new window will open for you at a better time. My sweet hubby hates this about me sometimes, but he's seen it work it's magic many times and when I say "we really need to..." he never questions it anymore.

    I hope your day turns around. But if it doesn't, so what. Sometimes down days are important - they remind us why up days are so special!

    And I'm super glad you found your comments!

    Sending love and warm fuzzies your way and please share my condolences with Tracey.

  9. Oh Amy, I'm sorry. First of all regarding the funeral situation, you are not horrible at all. It's natural to have a huge array of emotions and Zumba is something that really is important to you. As selfish (which it's not) as it may seem to others, it's something that matters to you and no one should judge that. Just as I was so disappointed about not being able to do the 5K a few weeks ago (for entirely different reasons), like you said, it's not like it's the last 5K in the world. So, there will be other Zumba won't be the last one that comes along :) As death typically is, it's never convenient, but it's great that you will be there to support Tracy just as he has supported you through your weight loss journey.

    On the dream front...I TOTALLY have weird and disturbing dreams as well. Last night, was completely freaking where I thought I had died and then in the next scene of my dream I was alive and on CNN for being the only survivor of some crash. Weird. I've also had dreams where Jeff has cheated and I wake up so LIVID at him and I can't shake the horrible feeling all day. He hates those days cause he's like I didn't do anything!!! Ha! :)

    Cheer up buttercup...things will turn around. However, I do kind of like grumpy Amy. It shows that no matter how sunny someone's outlook always is, we all have days where things just are off.

  10. Praying that you can get that frown turned around soon! Sorry that you have to miss the Zumba event!

  11. Im sad too But you have to be there for Tracey if thats what your heart is telling you to do!! There will be other Zumba days that we can come! plus we are going to the beach afterwards and you are coming with!!!

  12. Amy,
    You are not horrible. I think that if you really really want to go to ZUMBA, you should go. Tracey understands. And who gives a hoot what others think. {{hugs}}

  13. I feel for you, Amy. I know you must be so disappointed about Zumba. You do what feels right to you. Sometimes I have to ask myself, What if that happened to me? I know if your grand parent died you would want Tracy with you. I do believe in Karma also. What goes around comes around and it is so true! Good luck and many hugs to you.

  14. You're not horrible. Zumba was something you looked forward to and although I'm sure Tracey and his family are mourning, Grandpa didn't sound like a very nice person. I'm not saying that to be rude, but there are some people (in my own family) who you are better off without. Again I don't mean that to be callous or rude, so please don't take it that way. I'm sure that having you there to support him and his family will mean so much to him.

  15. Awww you get to be MY pookie today. I'm not going to tell you to cheer up and I'm not going to tell you what to do - I'm just going to say this all sucks. All of it. Life is all about choices and the ones we think we are forced to make (funerals) never sit well and make us worry about the choices we think we weren't allowed to make (Zumba). Who wouldn't be torn? Stop being so hard on your awesome'll do the right thing and whatever that is is between you and Tracey. No matter what the choice is - my respect and love for you only's just how I roll. Smooches.

  16. Ames! You are not a bad person, there are things that we look forward and when we find out something conflicts with it - we are very disappointed. It sounds like it would have been a great event to participate in! Yay for Tracey, he is such a wonderful person for knowing right away how this pooped on your plans! He is also a great person for understanding that and giving you the option of going to Zumba instead of the questionable Grandpa's funeral. However, you are an amazing person and made the right choice - like we all know you would - go to the funeral and be there for the family - no matter what the back story is. Family is tricky and there is ALWAYS as a back story, but such is life... I feel for you and Tracey's family. <3

  17. I agree, you are NOT horrible. At all. No way. I am totally amazed and wanna give Tracey a standing ovation for being so understanding and loving towards you. =)

    Death can be a hard thing to deal with, especially with people whom you, or others, have a difficult relationship with. It is a huge mix of emotions...of course you're sad, but at the same're not. My father passed away in 2008, at 49, of a heart attack...I hadn't been close to my father for, well, years. It still hurt, but not as bad as when my Grandpa passed 3 years before (his dad). There was no funeral, because of the high cost, and well...besides myself, grandma, and his 2 one would have shown up. His passing is what got my ass in the inital gear...dying of heart disease before the age of 50 made my chances WAY higher.

    I feel for you guys...I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers... <3

  18. So sorry to hear about Tracys lost. Hopefully there will be another Zumba event for you to attend! xo HUGS

  19. Maybe this awesome Zumba event will be a total bust. That's so sweet of Tracy to even offer for you to go. He's a keeper!

  20. Ames~ HUGSSSSSS sweetie. I'm sorry you are having a bad day and that Grandpa died. I have to say that Tracey being so great with offering for you to go to your Zumba thing made me smile. Keep your beautiful chin up Amy, this too will pass and you'll be singing in the shower soon. I love ya!

  21. It must be the day because I've had a rotten day too.
    Sorry to hear about Grandpa and Tracey most certainly loves you my dear to say you could attend the Zumba event instead of Grandpa's funeral. Knowing Grandpa had some not so nice behaviors, consider that perhaps your being there isn't needed, unless you feel Grandpa would appreciate you being there and if she would, then sacrifice Zumba and be there for Grandma. ;o)

  22. itll be ok
    im sorry for your loss

  23. Sweetie, any person who bought tickets to ANY event would have felt an immediate pang. That's called being human! HUGS to you for all the chaos in your life at the moment.

  24. Amy,

    I love your blog started reading it about 3 weeks ago and finally decided to start my own thanks for being such an inspiration to me and others!

    PS. Your definitely not an awful person! When I found out my grandmother passed away 8 years ago I was more upset for my mother than about her loss. We had a very distant relationship because of her CRAZY (lol) attitude, I did not attend her funeral because I had mid terms...I didn't feel bad about not going for her, but for my mom.

  25. Your reaction was purely human. I would have thought the same thing. Secretly, DAMN that screws up my plans for Saturday! Outwardly, "oh well, there will always be another Zumba event". Be sunny Amy. We really like sunny Amy!

  26. You are not horrible because you are going to the funeral...not going would have been horrible. Hope that frown turns around real soon

  27. Nope not horrible. Just honest. And that is why we all read your blog (at least that is why I do).