Thursday, July 12, 2012

Waiting For Others To Fail

Let me do a real, honest-to-goodness post.  My fingertips have been hovering over my keyboard for a few minutes now, trying to either a) muster the courage to type or b) figure out how to word this blog post as not to seem like a shallow, hateful individual.

I know that I am not alone.  I also know that many of you are better people than I could ever claim to be, and may never think what I think...

But sometimes when I see "one of us" who has gained their weight makes me feel better about myself!

Isn't that terrible?  And please know that I would not wish weight gain on any of "us" (now...there are some girls from high school that I see on Facebook who were biatches back in the 90's and now that they are much bigger than they were, and in some case, bigger than I am now...well...I can't really tell you that I don't giggle when that happens)...but I am talking about those of us who had the balls to blog about our weight loss journeys, regardless of if we had a surgery or not...that have gained their weight back.

It doesn't give me pleasure, or make me happy to see someone who I thought had "finally made it"...fall backwards, but it does make me say in my head "well at least I have more control than THAT person".  Or "I would NEVER get fat again"...

It's not nice.  But most of us are always comparing ourselves to others.  I try to remember that...

With that said, those who have gained some, all, or any of their weight back and blog about it...are truly those who deserve a pat on their backs.  It takes balls (or lady nuts) to say to the world (we are the world...we are the children....lalala) that things aren't all roses and gerber daisies. 

And even though I like to think "I would never go back to 327"...I guess anything is possible.  Because this is how it gain a few pounds this month.  And you think "it's just 2 pounds"...but then you gain 2 pounds next month, and again you think "I'm only 4 pounds up from my lowest"...and then before you know it, it's one year later and you've gained 60 pounds.  The weight doesn't come back overnight...just like you can't lose all the weight over night either (fuckshitballs).  When we make exceptions, or when we give an inch (around our waist), it becomes a slippery slope.

But it is so much easier to get fat, stay fat, be fat...then it is to lose, maintain, or be healthy.  I mean, it's not easier to walk, live, or be active when you are fat...but when you are shoveling everything in your mouth that you want, when you don't get up and workout, when you give's easier than battling this weight loss/food addiction

Heather is always saying "You have to have a freakout weight". 

definition:  a weight at which you get scared to the point of reasoning, and you will diet your way back to your goal weight

I have been arguing this concept with her for well over a year.  I have said "I don't want a freak out weight.  I don't FREAK out".

Well, she may have been right.  Because here is what happened to me.  I think my lowest weight has been around 165. Maybe even 163...and that was right after I did Atkins for 2 weeks.  Well, then I pretty quickly went right back up to around 171.  And I was like "That's cool, I can hover around there, give or take".

And then I went up to 174...and again "That's cool, I can hover around there, give or take".

AND THEN (are you seeing a pattern), 174 became 178.  And now, 178 is around 182.

And sha-bang-o.  I am somehow up around 20 pounds from my lowest, 12 pounds from my goal weight!

And I know I have to do something.  I know I have to make changes.  But I DON'T WANNA!  I want to eat junk food and drink soda and eat, and eat, and eat.  I don't wanna think about my calories.  I just want to be skinny and not have to sacrifice.


What's that you say?

You saying "Get off your unicorn Amy!  That's shit ain't gonna happen.  You know better.  Do better.  You've done it before.  Do it again."

Is that what you are saying?


Shut your mouth when you are talking to me.

It's hard to get started.  Some of you have been blogging about feeling like you have to start over...and it's daunting.  I FEEL YOU.  It sucks.

But I think for so many of us, like it or not, it's always going to be hard. 

But again, kudos for those of you recommitting, reposting, sharing your actual weight.  There are some people in the weight loss community (none of the people that I am thinking about our bloggers) who are liars.

They go around speaking and holding themselves up...telling their stories and pretending that they have shit under control. 

Some of them are liars.  I have ran into some of them at different functions, sneaking out of a hotel restaurant with a big old juicy hamburger in a to-go box, at 11:00 at night.  And there is nothing wrong with that...except hours before being caught with said bovine, they were acting all high and mighty and actually speaking in disgust at those of us who had gone back for seconds at the provided evening meal.

Some of them HAVE lost a lot of weight. Some of them started near 500 pounds.  But, if you are still hanging out in the upper 200's...and have been for several still aren't perfect.

Honesty in this community is more important than being an artificial idol.  And I know that those people putting up a false front get to look at themselves in the mirror, when no one else is looking...and it must be hard to know that they are frauds.  And so the nice Amy wants to give them a hug and tell them "The truth will set you free"...but hostile Amy just usually wants to run over them with a big wheel.

Holy smoky ham balls, this post turned into something else didn't it?

Let's talk about something lighter.


Juuuuust kidding.  No talkie about any of that today.

Or ever.

So tomorrow, I reckon I might do yet another "Amy is back on the BANDwagon post"...

or maybe I will still be slathering myself in chocolate.

Stay tuned.

Don't hate me.

I promise I have a good soul.



  1. Love you, Chica. Because we are mermaids, you are right. I don't know why it is that comparisons are just the way it is. But I think they aren't bad. It's what we do with them that can make them bad. If you use the comparisons to beat yourself down all the time, then knock it off, for example. If you use them to realize your successes, though, well, I'm there with ya. I think it's important that we do take stock - positive or negative. And when you see that what you are doing IS working, then it's helping you, too. And it can work in the vice versa type of way, too.

    I have a big thing right now that perspective is everything. We might know what that guy with the big ol' juicy burger isn't saying and hopes we don't know. But that also means we know something about him that he doesn't even know about himself. And being able to learn from that is part of why we make progress. I feel like I am constantly working to make my perceived me match my real me. It will never happen. But turns out my perceived me is a pretty well liked and respected woman. Much better than who I think I am. :) If people weren't making comparisons...I never woulda knowed that.

    Thank you for your comment. Exactly what I needed.

  2. you are so real, that is what makes you you and so adorable. Keep on keepin on sister!

  3. Just wanted to add that it is real to blog how we feel because the truth will set us free. Someone said that didn't they?

    Anyway. Right with you on this post. I actually freaked out when I saw 178--12 from my absolute lowest but am now sitting at 172. Well maybe 174 since I'm scarfing back another glass of wine. The lower numbers just seem elusive and I don't know if I will ever see the 160's again. But I never want to see someone just give up and regain hundreds of pounds back because then all those FB friends would just gloat and say, we never thought she could--but we in this community know better. We are a team forever and we will always be there to watch your back. So if you want to be back on the bandwagon tomorrow or next week or next year, we'll still be here cheering you on.

  4. You just made me think about what would be my "freakout weight"....all this thinking has got my head hurtin'.

    Can I ride on your unicorn sometime? Pretty please?

  5. It scares the sh*t out of me when I see bandsters gaining it all back. I don't get any good feeling at all because I know that .. but for the grace of God, that could be me.

    I'm at the high range of my happy weight right now.. but was 1.4 pounds over goal during a recent weigh-in (156.4.. a weight I would have killed to be 3 years ago). I like Heather's comment. 156 is my freakout weight. I figure... set it low, freak out early, and fight going back tooth and nail.

  6. Damn tart was deep. I wish I had something deep and inspirational to back at'cha with but I'm just beginning my bitch of a weight loss journey. Hang in there!

  7. This totally resonated with me because I gained 30 pounds back (before I even got halfway to goal) and am currently fighting my way out of the quicksand that is complacency...

  8. Ah... my friend... I am pretty happy with where I am (204-206ish) but here is my reality. I drink too much. Seriously. And Chardonnay (or, my choice to drink a lot more of it than I should) is keeping me from that onederland cross-over... wish I knew why, but I drink to avoid going below it. Funny thing, after 3 years of being banded! Why am I so damn scared of going there? Maybe because I'll actually have to work for it (sigh)... great post. Miss you, my friend. And if I had to choose a freak-out weight, it will be somewhere in the 210's, when the pants don't fit anymore, because I've finally gotten rid of all of them. Except that first pair of jean capris you sent me which I just love so much, that even though they are 5 sizes too big, I still try to wear them every now and then (lol)...

  9. I so get it...I was there. It didn't take me a long time to lose most of my weight, had plastic surgery to get rid of the damage, and a year after that started gaining it back. My last checkup for my TT, my weight was 124. i saw 171 last year! i felt like i did before the band, even at that weight.
    I didn't have a freak out number, but now i do...130, and i'm gonna lower that later, since i want to get another 10 off. I want 124 to be it. 124 is the highest number out of 'overweight' for me.
    i've been hovering around 124-126.
    You can do it!
    you are a superstar!!

  10. It's funny that you felt compelled to post this because my freakout weight last summer was 238. My lowest was about 228 and I thought 10 pounds was easily gained and lost. I held on and stayed in the game until fall. Then I let my freakout weight slip a little further and a little further and a little further. Yes, I have been on hormone shots and drugs but a lot of what has happened is complete lack of self control. It is what got me to 320 pounds to start with.

    The difference this time is that I can recognize the issues and decide to do something about it before i start tipping the scales. I wish I had a Heather because seeing those abs everyday would be a constant reminder to work harder for a better me.

    Your honesty is always refreshing.

  11. I love your blog and this post especially. I am one of the Bandsters who did gain her weight back....all but about 12 pounds of it! There were many reasons, and I have blogged about most of them. I believe that you have to do a number of things to remain successful in maintenance. How can I say this when I have not reached my goal number yet you ask.

    Because after losing 170+ pounds the last five years, I have learned much about why I was heavy to begin with. I now know that my body and my mind have to be in sync if I want to be sure my weight becomes I non issue for me for the rest of my life. I can never again become complacent and think oh that will NEVER be me. LOL I said that after my band was placed, after I lost the 89 pounds the first time around.

    It is easy to regain, in fact it comes back on a hell of a lot quicker than once can imagine. Remaining focused and living clean is what this is about. Incorporating healthy life habits 90% of the time, making sure we are exercising on a very consistant basis and by all means stop beating ourselves up, when we see the scale inch up! Instead beat out more calories in working out!

    Hugs you say it so well!

  12. This is my secret shame. I kinda like knowing I'm not the only one who can slip - that being said, I don't really enjoy it in a mean-spirited way, either. I just like knowing everyone else is human, too!

  13. I love this post. I also want to lather up in chocolate and ride around on a unicorn. I am gradually setting freakout weights as my weight drops. Right now, it is 80kilos. Check back in a few months and it might drop to 75kg. xoxoxo

  14. I am right there with you. I have gained 7 lbs since my lowest, first I thought no more than 145lbs and I'll start again, then it was 150lbs....I have got to get off the chocolate and micky d's carmel frappes....they are killing my weight loss! I am on the BAND wagon again. I will get to goal weight of 135 before my 1 year bandaversary. Thanks for being so honest and letting me know that there are people who struggle, even though I can't eat very much I am still eating the WRONG things!

  15. Freak out weights are a great idea, if you weigh yourself getting heavier. I get on the scale every day and that forces me to make good choices. Days I don't get on the scale, I don't make good choices and I don't get on the scale the next day because of those choices. Can you say vicious circle?

  16. Faaack. Every weight is my freakout weight lately. So much so that I'm avoiding the scale...and we all know no good can ever come of that.

  17. I love that you're honest... It makes me feel better to know you are sometimes sitting in a closet eating oreos, but even better to remember that you beat it most days, only giving in to the beast with two snacks sometimes. You can do anything you put your mind to... XOXOX *M*

  18. I hear you sister friend.
    I have been doing my very best to be honest about my struggles -- and I am fighting every day to keep from letting more weight get on. The fact is that most of us at a certain point out from the band begin to struggle and need to keep on keeping on-- or change our methods.
    Unfortunately, the struggle for most is actually seeming more normal rather than on the extreme end, and if everyone would just get over the 'shame' and keep on posting, we'd all be better for it. (Just sayin'.)
    I do think that a band adjustment can really help if you're either too tight or too loose-- but only you can know what you need. (I would consult your band doc about it-- they can help you see some objective reason as well.)

    And now for some controversial and unsolicited advice:
    Have you considered DIMINISHING your workouts for a few days and LOWERING your calorie intake? When I was at my most active, I was not at my skinniest. I know you have a rocking bod and are healthy and fit, but / and I think your exercise is making your body very, very hungry!!
    Just a suggestion- perhaps slowing down for just a few days might lower your hunger and make the whole 'back on the bandwagon' thing more possible?
    I realize Heather might kick my ass if she read this, so please don't tell her (ha ha.)
    Another thing that helped me: kicking my trigger foods to the curb for a few weeks.
    The first day was hardest, but then it got easier.

    I'm not perfect, I'm back to being snackier and eating some foods that don't help me best with hunger-- but the few weeks took off 2 vital pounds and got me back in the game.

    Anyway... come visit my new blog sometime. I did not leave my old blog to pretend that I didn't gain weight, by the way (can you tell I feel a little bit of shame about it??) I just got locked out of the old blog.
    Cheers Amy, you always tell it like it is and you know I am a lover of the truth.

  19. All so true...weight can so easily creep back up on a person

  20. I can't wait to got to my reunion next weekend. Last one I was at 223lbs... In high school i was all of 99lbs. I know it sucked, but i felt like everyone was looking at me and whispering... What happen to her? Look how fat she got. But not this year... Am i hoping some to the "popular girl" gained weight...Hell yes. And i don't feel bad about it at all.

    I am now feeling the same feelings about gaining weight back. My lowest was 139 a week after my Tummy tuck. Then i got back to my normal 143... Then Wham.. i was at 149. My LB doctor said it was normal to gain after surgery because i had nothing in my band and said that the 139 really doesn't count... that the 143 is my weight. So gaining 6lbs was not bad.... I said hell yes it was bad. But then i had to look at my self and process all the things i had been eating and not doing..... Eating: bread, pizza, rice... all the bad stuff that i had went 2years with out. And i have not been back to the gym in 5 months...Writing this right now makes me cringe.... I have gotten lazy after my Tummy Tuck.... I have to get my A$$ in gear and get down to 130... that's where i want to be.... not at my freak out weight of 150... Just goes to show us all that eating right and exercise is really the key....

  21. Yep, I'm one of those of which you speak. I didn't have a freak out weight, and perhaps I should have, because I've regained thirty of the fifty two pounds I lost. I didn't even get to goal. But I'm back on track again, and I'm going to fight to stay there. Thank God that I'm not a fraud - I never lied about gaining the weight, but I was an ostrich and buried my head in the sand. I'm now seven pounds down again, and twenty pounds from my lowest since surgery. I'd like to lose a total of seventy. I think the take away from your post is this: Never quit quitting. Yes, it is a smoker's mantra, but it works for any kind of goal that you have in mind. Thanks Amy - some times our reality check needs to come not just from within ourselves, but from without as well (meaning tell-it-like-it-is posts like yours.

  22. I have totally hit my freak out weight. 215. Can you hear me screaming? I didn't know it was my freakout weight until I saw it a few times over the past few weeks and realized it wasn't just constipation bloat or some other nonsense. I'm so glad I happened by to read your post today. I was feeling a little weird about my soul-baring honesty on my own blog, so you know, it's always nice to get some validation. You rock, as always. Word.

  23. 200 is my freakout weight. For obvious reasons, I think. I don't EVER want to weigh 2-something again.

  24. Love this post. It happens to all of us. Sigh. Thanks for the update and the encouragement. We can so totally do this. Maintenance is a tricky goal for those of us who have really never had much success in that area. I keep reminding myself of everything I know know now (about being healthy) and surely!!! SURELY!!!! I can use my knowledge to get back to losing those extra lbs. I guess what I am trying to say is: you are not alone. And thanks for the post.