Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A Fluffy Calorie Pillow of Sweetness

HELP! I've fallen and landed on a big pillow of calories and lard....and I just want to motorboat the sons-0f-bitches...I just wanna get in there and eat some shit up.

Now. How about that for an opening? Usually I try to bury my good cuss words like 'shit' deep in a post, but not today my fair lovelies. Today it's balls to the wall.

So. Amy's in trouble. I KNOW. I KNOW. You have already lectured me after Mr. Hamburger and the yummy incident, but I do not blame La Burger for what has happened.

You see, first I would like to play a game. We were watching Hoarders last night, and the lady didnt like for the counselor to say she was 'hoarding'. Instead, she liked to have it referred to as "collecting".

OOOOH, so we get to name our disorders anything we want to make ourselves feel better? Goody. Let's play.

What shall I be?

Food Lover?
Lifer in the Fatlane?
Vigorous Overeater?

(your turn)

Anywhoozle, I have gained several pounds. Please refer to the ticker to verify. I am sitting at 172.5. Technically, I don't know what that works out to. I know one day probably over a month ago I saw 163.5 on the scale, but it was a fluke. I was hovering around 167 for a long time, so I am at least up 5.5 pounds...possibly more.

And it's not the end of the world.

It's not all doom and gloom.

But it doesnt make me feel peppy and like I want to throw glitter on the floor and rub my well oiled body all over it. You dig?

So it's time to do something. Thank God I am working out 5 days a week...at least I can feel good about that. Although I think I am addicted to making my muscles bigger, which means I am a Steakhead (like meathead), and don't know how to stop lifting heavy...

I digress...

But I have been giving some thought to a few things. First, To Fill or Not to Fill. ooh, that's the million dollar question with us bandsters yes? Because there are some things a fill probably wont help with. Things like Snickers, pop, cheese...the good stuff. BUT, there are somethings a fill would help with. HUNGER is numero uno. I am actually physically hungry within an hour of eating 7 chick-fil-a chicken nuggets. And with proper restriction, I should be able to go longer.

Can't I just do it without a fill? This is a question I ask myself. The answer is NOT SO MUCH!

But you know...here is the thick of it. I am going to try to write this as coherently as possible.

When I was losing weight and taking names, when I had my most restrictive restrictiveness (that sounded fun), food was a different experience. I had to be careful what I ate in the morning, and I was rather limited. Things like a pancake, muffin, cereal, toast, etc...were off the table for me (literally). Lunch was usually soup, chili, or something hamburger based that I had made. I ate small portions. Dinner took awhile to eat. No rushing could be had. I had to cut my food and chew well.

That is not how I eat these days. I have grown accustom to eating with a little less care now. I push the limits. Yesterday I actually stopped at McDonalds for breakfast!!!!! And ordered...get this...cinnamelt, a side of sausage, and a large REGULAR coke. The cinnamelt and sausage...I couldnt eat much of. Thank you band. But I drank the Coke. But restricted Amy would have never even thought about putting a fluffy moist cinnamon covered bread product in her mouth. I have been eating cupcakes from this gourmet cupcake store. Restricted Amy couldnt have eaten one. I have been eating more bread products. I can eat cereal again. I know that the point of the band isnt to eliminate foods, but I need it too. I can't be trusted with certain foods. I know this.

And that's okay.

So I will get a fill.

But this does mean I am going to have to return to eating like a bandster. Softer, easier foods. Slower, more thorough chewing. More water. Vitamins. Good things. But I need help to get back there. And I will use my band for that. It will be a good refresher for me. It will be good to go back. Because my habits now are not the good ones that helped me become Amy 2.0.

So there it is.

My non-plan. Or my plan.

Whichever...I wanted you to be a part of it.

To be continued...


  1. Well, as you know I haven't been banded yet but all I know is if I looked as good as you do (and you look fantastic!) I would go back to doing the things that put me in this good position.

    You can certainly do it - one step at a time !

  2. I know that having this experience will make you a stronger person. I think you are realizing that we have kind of a fucked up relationship with food and it never goes away. It can and will get better, but we'll always have to work for it.

    So please call today and schedule the fill. You NEED the day of liquids and day of mushies to end this binge and kick start the weight loss.

    There is a happy medium restriction-wise between being able to eat EVERYTHING and taking hours to finish a meal. Perhaps a very small tweak will help you get where you need to be.

    I also know that I have had "relapses" at the beginning of relationships before myself. I think for me it has something to do with not believing that someone could really love me unless they could see the "real" me. Does that make sense? So maybe you need your girlfriend to see your "crazy" so you can make sure she's up to the challenge. Not that I think you're crazy at all. I hope that came out right ~ lol!

  3. Let us know how that works out. I mean for me I have had 2 fills and honestly don't want another. I'm good with this restriction. I don't know if I'm at my sweet spot but it feels good to be able to eat a sandwich and haven't PB'd yet, but yet be able to stop without feeling like I'm on a diet. I stay full about 3 hours w/food and 2 hours w/protein shake.

    Ok so lets get to this "big pillow of calories" you mentioned. Do you think this is indicative of some other stuff? You mentioned going through some things a little while back, so is this a result of those things? Maybe analyzing what's going on in your head as to why you want to eat this stuff is my suggestion. Then again maybe it's just because you WANT it. Just take a little time to see if there is an underlining reason behind the calorie binge. And yes by all means if you feel you need a fill, then GO GET IT!!

    And thank you for the comment on my blog. I♥youmuch!!

  4. I am with you-feeling the same way. I had the fill but the behaviors are still eluding me (see post at my place yesterday). Can I be Calorically Challenged? yes I think I am.

    I also have a sinking suspicion that our little pouch becomes more tolerant over time. I am pretty tight but muffins and bread are back on the menu.


  5. Holy S, Ames! Glad you are getting a fill and nipping this in the bud before you do some major damage. I like what Amandakisa had to say about this. Might be good to think about why you were getting criz on the eating front when you've been doing so amazingly and feeling so good.

    Whenever I go into sabotage mode, I try to take a step back and figure out why I am doing that. I don't always know, but calling myself out on the behavior like you're doing here and addressing it really helps me to cut it out.

  6. there is a whole diatribe to be said about how maybe those 5.5 pounds are muscle since you are working out so hard...yadda yadda yadda
    but yeah, i'm the boat with catherine and amanda about figuring out the deeper reasons why all the bad eating is going on.

  7. This is exactly where I am at right now. I want to be able to eat more healthy foods, but that means I have to use much more self control. I have an appointment for a fill in a couple of weeks... I need to decide if I actually want it or not. It is a hard call.

  8. I think its just an innocent case of "I'm normal now, watch me eat!"

    I have experienced this on and off for the last few months (hence my major stall). I have gotten used to being able to eat most things, and I LIKE it! But, not too helpful in the weight loss department, and not too helpful for avoiding binges. Kill the hunger and "looking for food" feeling, and you're halfway there!

    So, there may or may not be a big psychological reason behind it, but the fact is: You need a fill. Get the fill. Me too!

    And the other fact is: No, we can't do this on our own, restriction-less. We've proven that too many times. Sad but true.

    How do you manage to make even a food confession post hilarious and totally entertaining? Loved this post actually!

  9. I told Dr. Friedman that was my fear when I got my last fill. I had only had one since surgery and never really had any restriction to speak of...so I was scared to go through real bandster hell. That was almost 6 weeks ago and I'm going for another fill next week because hunger is still very real!

  10. I'm asking for a fill even though I have been stuck until last week. I can't seem to get filled on food anymore. I eat egg McMuffins and just tonight for dinner, ravioli. I have not had pasta more than twice since my surgery last February. Fill-here I come. I too gained 5 pounds overnight. WTF?

    I also wanted to comment about your last post but decided to put it on this one. I too saw Portia on Oprah. First at the gym trying to read the subtitles then later that night. I was stunned about her thoughts on dieting. And the coming out made me pissed about the perceptions she worried about. I am so happy for both her and Ellen that they have each other and there is love. I stopped by the bookstore today and read a bit of the book. Too cheap to buy it, but may just visit every day and read a few pages at a time (I work across from the bookstore).

    And if you ever want to have a legal marriage come to Ontario. We legalized it years ago. And they each have full spousal rights. You could come to Niagara Falls!

  11. Sigh - whatever you have Ames, I seem to have it too. I was reading your post and realised: Sheizer! That could be me talking... (apart from eating a hamburger... but does a whole meat pie make a good replacement, because that's what I ate yesterday.. fark! Lets fill 'er up together and kick this baby back into top gear!

  12. You're right, you're due for a fill. That will enable you to use the tool you've been rocking all the time.

    I'd venture to guess at least a few of those pounds gained are muscle.

  13. im thinking its just the time of the year!! I gained 11 lbs in the last month!! SHIT! that is the most gain in 2 1/2 years!! Im going to do the 5 day pouch test! Wanna join?

  14. So.. you get the fill and you go back to doing what you know works. You can do it and we all send love and support your way!!

  15. Ya know, we all post about not wanting to "diet" and not eliminate foods completely, etc, but if we're not at maintenance, what's wrong with that? We're trying to LOSE still. Yes, we're supposed to be enjoying life...but thinking back, since banded, have you ever felt like you weren't enjoying life?

    (I say "you" but I'm speaking about all of us, of course.)

  16. I have been crazy hungry lately too (and have eaten loads of bread--pizza, burgers, sandwiches, biscuits, etc., etc.), so I got a (small) fill yesterday. I'm on liquids only for a couple of days, but I hope I see a difference when I'm back on solids.

  17. I'm glad that you're taking good care of yourself Amy! It's time for a fill and back to basics for a while!

  18. Hey Amy. My name is Ashley and I've recently started my own blog. I am being banded this Friday Nov. 5th.
    You might think this is crazy but I spent about three days reading your blog from the beginning. I have so much inspiration because of you. I spent so many hours reading your blog that I feel like I know you.
    I'm currenty on the liquid phase and I'm going crazy. I just want pizza or pasta one more time!! Lots of it.
    Write me back or follow my blog. :)

  19. I am right there with you lady. We CAN do this!

  20. Hi Amy,

    Like AshleyB said above..I did the exact same thing...read your blog from beginning to end, mostly while recovering from my band surgery. I'm patiently waiting your next post. It's like a novel that you don't want to end and I'm waiting waiting waiting for the next chapter girl! I just recently started by own blog as well...very recently...check it out :) (splicegirlbanded.blogspot.com)