Friends...We Shall Begin Again

Have you ever been gone from Blogger for so long that you want to come back but you dont know where to start.  Like do you do a recap of your absence?  Do you just come out swinging talking about the profound thoughts you had this morning regarding vibrators?  Do you try to think of a funny bathroom related story?  I just couldn't decide.  So I will pretend that I havent been a bad blogger for the last...oh...million weeks.

Hi guys!  Seems like just yesterday that I posted.

Hope all you Stateside had a good Thanksgiving.  As it goes in the Gainey Clan, we spent most of the 4 days hunting.  Now, hunting down here involves dogs.  You let out your dogs and they run the deer, and then you spend most of the time hunting the DOGS in a pick-up truck.  No deer were killed.  Which Heather was a little bummed about because she is determined to kill one so we can have meat.

Here is a picture of me and Fisher.  We don't need real guns...with guns like these.

My Heather and "the other Heather".

Basically, me and "the other Heather" just rode in the backseat while Henry and my Heather were in the front seats doing serious hunting.  Now, when you head out for a day of hunting, you usually get out there around 5 am and may not come home...no home for lunch or anything...until 5 pm.  So I come packing food okay?  I should of takin a picture.  But me and the other Heather would just sit in the back, blanketed in cheetos, chips and dip, bacon, biscuits, pringles, puppy chow.  It was awesome.  It would be 6 in the morning and we would say "um...could you pass me the bacon and pringles please".  Good times.  Good times.

Last week I took a hunters safety class where I got to shoot a bow, a rifle, and a shotgun.  It was totally hot.

I have been shopping for Christmas.  This year I am SO GOING ROGUE and buying people what I want.  No Christmas lists please and thank you.  Remember that Heather doesnt really "do Christmas". It stresses her out and makes her grumpy.  So I already bought her some boots she wanted and she is wearing them already.  But I have a few presents under the tree for her BECAUSE I WANT TOO!  She bought me a Columbia jacket in front of me, and I tickets to an Eric Church concert.  Which excites me in the naughty kind of way.  He is my new man crush.  In fact, the day I announced that he has passed Jennifer Nettles (from Sugarland) in the running for my heart...Jennifer announced she married some model dude.  Coincidence?  No.  I think not.  Clearly she was jealous.

On the weight front, its up a few pounds...around 174. But I aint worried. That's nothing a week of buckling down couldnt cure.  My band is el-loose-o, I think I will wait until January to get a fill.  I am not sure I want to go back to tight band living.  I like to eat with a little more freedom.

On the workout front, things are good.  I am still working on getting bigger muscles.  Lower body is getting a lot of focus....as well as my triceps.  A lot of sore muscles.  Mommy likes.

Hope this finds everyone well.

Until we meet again.

kisses.

I Shall Rule The World

Last week while making my walk from our main hospital back to my office...quite a trapse across a very large parking lot, and whilst wearing heels...I decided something.

I am going to rule the world. 

It's pretty concrete.  Not much give.  It's certain.

Now, I don't really have a plan for world domination yet, but I think I will start at the organizational level of where I work.  You see, here is what I think the trick is.

If you DON'T know something...act like you do...until you do. 

For example, do you remember when you were a freshman or sophomore in high school and you thought that the seniors were SUPER smart or had  more life experience than you and thus they knew things...but then when you actually become a senior you realize you are just as stupid as a senior as you were as a freshman or sophomore...and if you only knew that WHEN you were a freshman or sophomore you would have done things differently?

Well I still assume that about some of my coworkers.  Like they are smarter than me.  And believe, some of them are.  But I am on to a few of them.  They just pretend to be really smart.  And it works for them. 

So, onward and upward folks. 

Let's dominate.

In other news.  I drank some water today. 

Happy Monday!

Picture Time!

Thought I would share some of the goings-ons with you from the past couple of weeks.  We are entering the "Pale Months" as I like to call them here in Florida...you know...where it gets just a little too cool to sunbathe but still so humid that you have to turn your fan on high while putting up your Christmas tree.

A few weeks ago I was able to spend a Friday working at the navy base here.  We were cooking out for some of the workers who staff the food service and janitorial areas out at the base.  It was a really fun day.  In case you don't know it, I am a master griller.  I suppose one of the few things that makes me butch...that and my lady nuts.  But I know how to turn some hotdogs and flip some burgers mmmmkay?

That's my main man and coworker Rusty. He is camera shy. Much like myself.

This is me (duh) and my other main man, Dennis.  He's important people.  We were at a Breast Cancer walk.

For those of you who didnt see it on Facebook, 3 weeks ago, whilst playing the very dangerous game of co-ed slow pitch softball, Heather caught a pop-fly....with her face.  I was playing catcher, she was playing second.  And bc she is blind, and hardheaded, and needs glasses, she misjudged the ball.  When it hit her it made the worst sound.  She bent over and cupped her eye and when she moved her hand away...blood was pouring on the field.  So a trip to the ER and a cat scan later, she looked like this:

She is looking better now.  Just a bloody eyeball remains.  She will be going for her vision check up soon. 

And that's about it for picture time.  Oooh.  How about a few pet pics?  Kitty and Honey May are madly in love.  Honey May is our younger bulldog and can't ever get the crotchety old boys to spoon with her. 



Skin

Here is the article I found, and like, that talks about skin.  One of our favorite concerns.

What causes the skin to sag after a significant weight loss?
“There is an inherent elasticity in everyone’s skin, but once you get to a certain size, the elasticity decreases,” explains Jason Spector, M.D., assistant professor of plastic surgery at Weill Medical College of Cornell University.

The tissue expands and your body literally makes more skin by producing more skin cells. And those annoying stretch marks? “They are the artifacts of the breakdown of the normal architecture of skin,” Spector says.

What are the biggest factors that determine my skin’s elasticity?
“The two biggest factors that determine skin elasticity are age and genetics,” Spector says. And, unfortunately,both are out of our control. How quickly you’ve gained the weight, as well as how quickly you’ve lost it, may also be a factor.

Losing weight over a longer period of time may give you more of a fighting chance. However, Spector says,there are no credible studies that show what a person can do to head off the excess skin as they’re losing weight.

Plan of Action: Slower weightloss – one to two pounds a week – can help with your skin’s elasticity.

What about my fitness routine?  Are there specific exercises I can do to tone up my skin?

“It isn’t that you’re toning up the skin itself,” says Cedric Bryant, Ph.D., chief science officer for the American Council on Exercise. “But by adding muscle, you can form a tight layer under the skin.” That can improve how the skin looks, and take away some of the sag effect.

Basically, the best course of action is to preserve your muscles while losing fat, Pino says. That’s especially important for people who have followed strict calorie restriction plans because they may have lost muscle right along with the fat.

You have to build the muscle backup again. “Endurance exercise will burn fat, but you also need to add strength training,” he says, noting that the skin of patients who do both tends to react better.

Come Here and Take Shelter Under My (bat)Wing

So much to talk about, so much to share.  Here is where we will begin.  We will start with the most current happenings and move backwards.

Tonight Heather spoke at our weight loss surgery support group.  She has known about this for months, and public speaking is not exactly her cup of tea.  It doesn't give her warm fuzzies.  She has eaten all of her fingernails, most of her cuticles, and perhaps an actual finger bone.  Do finger bones have a real name? 

So she had a list of questions submitted in advance and we made a little powerpoint.  Her focus, or topic, was strength training and how it pertains to the weight loss journey. There were tons of question about when, where, how much, how to build a butt, and how to get rid of skin and batwings.  She sited a pretty good article about skin and demonstrated different moves that target the triceps. During this time, a girl raised her hand and stood up.  She said she completely agreed with how important working out was, but that she had batwing surgery and still had droopy arms.  She showed her arms.  And yes, they had batwings. 

And then she started to cry.

She called herself disgusting.

And I knew I had to act quick.  Mainly because she was going to have me crying if she kept on.

So this is what I said.

"First of all, you are beautiful." (she was really cute)  And yes, we have batwings.  But what is the alternative?  I weighed 327 and was "full" but going to fat. No batwings.  Just fat arms. And there is a trade off.  We are healthy now, with a little bit of sag."

I went on to make some joke about how, like a flying squirrel I could jump off a building, spread my batwings and fly.  I talked about my boobies...how they are like socks and tennis balls.  I tried to tell her that we are all jacked up somewhere...but it certainly doesn't make us disgusting.

We are better than when we started. 

And yes.  There are times when my saggy boobs, elephant inner thighs, loose belly, batwings, and cellulite all combine in some cataclysmic end of the world moment...and if it is paired with lack of sexy time...lord I am one ledge away from being labled a "jumper"...but most of the time I don't feel disgusting. 

And certainly, all my beautiful people, a little bit of crazy skin does not make us disgusting.  I hope I get a chance to meet that girl again so I can give her little Eskimo kisses or show her what I look like naked...okay...not totally naked...but you get my point.

Or perhaps I have no point.

Back to Heather.  She was supposed to talk for 30 minutes.  We barely managed to shut her up after an HOUR.  She did very good though.  Cracked a few jokes, told funny stories.  I am very lucky to have her as my girlfriend.

With that said, I heard a nasty rumor that someone said that I am an unfair example of how the lapband can work because I have Heather.

sssscccreeeeeech

stop the record

Let it be known that Heather is the most amazing person I have ever met.  Let it be know that my muscles would not be what they are without her.  She is extremely motivating in the fitness sense...but also let it be known I lost 140-150 pounds before I fell madly in love with her.  And the one thing she cannot do is keep the food out of my mouth.  If having a personal trainer, or a nutritionist, or money made weight loss easy....OPRAH WOULD BE THIN.

I rest my case.

She keeps me pushing forward, but I do a little bit of the work as well.

I rest my case.

Again.

And yes...Dr. Friedman did come to support group to give me a hug. And for one brief moment in the doorway of the meeting room, I was sandwiched between Heather and Dr. Friedman.  It was like a dream.  In fact, I have actually had that dream...

but there were less clothes involved.

the end

Happy Tuesday!!!

Murphy's Law Of Secret Eating

For those of us who are secret eaters people who like to enjoy crap food in private, there are some things that are bound to happen as part of karmic retribution for hiding in our gluttony privacy.

1.  When you are eating in your car, and must finish your secret snack before arriving home, it will be the one time that you get every green light and there is absolutely no traffic...meaning you have to park at the corner of your road to shovel the food into your trap.

2.  When you hide the empty bag of chocolate chex mix in the oven, because your life partner never uses the oven, rest assured that the very next day they will decide to clean the oven...stumbling upon the evidence of your shame.

3.  Think it's safe to hide your Pepsi bottle in the vegetable drawer of the fridge while you unload groceries?  Think again.  Because your life partner will decide, just this one time to help you put up the broccoli.

4.  Try to sneak into the kitchen, which is directly behind the couch your life partner is setting on, to quietly open the bag of chocolate chips, which go oh-so-nicely with a little swig of milk...well, do not act surprised when the bag dumps over...scattering chocolate goodness all over.

5.  Hide a 12 pack of Pepsi behind a filing cabinet in your office because you happen to work with your damn life partner...who apparently also doubles as Inspector Gadget...because WHO LOOKS BEHIND SOMEONES FILING CABINET....and so help me...she will do it.  That very day.  THAT VERY DAY!

6.  And do you think that under your drivers seat is safe?  That you can stash all of  your candy bar wrappers there? Well wouldnt you know if that Go Go Gadget will clean your damn car out...and discover this stash, walk into the house where you are enjoying your weekend and stare at you...and stare at you...until you break down and confess.  Or make up a lie...like..."Gee...um...ITS NOT MINE!  I was just holding it for someone!!!

20 Hateful Things I Want To Say On Facebook...But Don't

There are times when, upon reading a Facebook status or seeing a certain picture, I want to say certain things to people on my newsfeed.  But I don't.  So I will say them here....in my safe place.**

1.  You are stupid (this comes to mind a lot)

2.  I am going to need you to stop posting pictures of yourself taken in the car.  I understand the need for an occasional picture when you are feeling super cute.  However, I do not need to see 8 shots of you a day, taken in your drivers seat.

3.  Stop taking pictures of you food.  Again, if you have created something yummy...picture and post away. However, if you are at Applebees and are particularly excited about your baby back ribs....don't do it. 

4.  You are stupid.

5.  Are you really THAT angry?  Is your life really that terrible?  Are you really on the edge of the cliff EVERY day?  Suck it up sugartits....it could be worse.

6.  Hate you life?  Change it.

7.  Hate where you live?  Move (um...I do realize some of you may think this of little ol me when I am bitching about living on the temperature equivalent of the equator)

8.  Your child is ugly.  There.  I said it. *

9.  Just because it is Halloween does not mean you have to look like a trashy whore (okay...again.  I realize last Halloween I did try and dress up like a sexy teacher.  Listen.  It's do as I SAY, not as I do).

10.  You're stupid.

11.  I am going to delete you if you post one more damn music video.  I do not enjoy opening my news feed to see 14 consecutive video posts that fill my entire screen.  DO YOU THINK PEOPLE REALLY CLICK ON THEM?

12.  Are you 13?  Are you really calling your current girlfriend/boyfriends ex's out on facebook?  And are they even on your friends list?  Bc if they aren't...they cant see you calling them out!  DUH

13.  I love a good quote.  I love a good song lyric.  But if you can't EVER think of anything original to say...don't say anything.

14.  Again, are you 13?  Are you really posting your relationship drama on facebook.  Classy.

15.  I don't know who you are...but I approved you anyways.  It says we went to high school together.  I have no recollection of that ever really happening.

16.  That picture you selected as your profile picture.  No.  Rethink it.

17.  When you say things like "I can't believe this...THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER"...and then someone asks you "What?  What happened?" And you say..."I can't say on Facebook.  Send me a text"...I want to say THEN WHY DID YOU SAY ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?

18.  Are you Paris Hilton?  Why do you tilt you head and suck your cheeks in every picture?

19.  Please figure out how to use the self timer on your phone or camera.  Bc for the love of everything Holy, I dont' want to see another mirror shot.

20.  I wish I had the nerve to tell you that no one wants to read your bigoted political thoughts.  But instead of telling you that.  I am just going to hide you.  And pretend you don't exist.

*I do believe that there must be something that happens to a woman when she gives birth to a child...something genetic that makes it impossible to ever think your child is less than adorable.  It probably serves some evolutionary purpose...like it prevented mothers from eating their young in days of famine.  I mean, I have ugly dogs.  But they are cute to me.  SO I kinda understand.  It's just sometimes when hateful Amy comes out...I think hateful things.  Go forth.  Procreate.

**Please realize I can say all of these things because I am perfect and never annoying***

***Please realize, the above statement was a lie.  I am not perfect and should be nicer.