Good morning and happy Friday blogland! Yesterday was a DAY! In the morning, a co-worker and I had the opportunity to be the keynote speakers at a Career Academy University program for about 500 high school seniors. It was SO much fun. When Rusty and I speak together, we try to have a good mix of humor and inspiration. We also like to procrastinate, so we usually pull our speech together the night before. I had gone to bed Wednesday night after taking a little dose of Ambien and was trying to fall asleep but then I got "Ambien brain". It reminded me of college when I use to eat about 4 No-Doze late at night when I was juuuust starting a 20 page paper that was due the next morning.
I WAS ON FIIIIIIRE!
I whipped my Ipod out, and while Heather was snoring beside me, I starting dictating 6 life rules you should know before you become a grown-up.
And they loved it. It is only the second time I have spoke to "kids". Usually my audiences are business folk. They were so much fun1 The laughed, they cheered, they sang Whitney Houston with me while some of them played random musical instruments as my backup dancers. Whenever I speak, I am on a high. I love it.
But then, I crash. So by 10 am yesterday...I was done. No more productive work to be had. And then, by the time the afternoon came...I was in my "dark place". For no good reason! I couldn't put my finger on why I was so sad and depressed.
I cried at my desk.
I cried in my car.
And then...OH AND THEN...I started playing the "comparison game" on Facebook. There is a girl that played on Heather's softball team once as a fill-in. Her name was Amy and they joked she was a mini-Heather. Athletic, small build, little lesbian with short hair and biceps. Well, she was tagged in a mutual friends facebook pic so I clicked on her profile and she had tons of pictures of her and her girlfriend. And her girlfriend so WAS pretty. And Skinny.
And then I started feeling bad for Heather. Because all she has is me.
I KNOW. That sounds pathetic. I am better today. But yesterday, I just wanted to be "skinny and pretty".
I have a lapband and can't be thin! I don't know why I don't have the willpower to remain constant in my healthy food choices anymore. I am doing great this week. Feeling confident about my choices. Feeling hopeful, but you and I know this usually lasts me about 2 weeks and then I not only fall off the wagon, I fall off the wagon, cover it in gravy, and eat the damn thing!
I just wanted to be one of those skinny girls that can wear skinny jeans in bright color and pull off "hobo chic" and have healthy hair and healthy skin and not need lapbands or diet pills or WHATEVER.
I was throwing myself a pity party in full force.
So I went home and sniffled a little on Heather's shoulder. I never put into words for her what was wrong...just told her it would pass...and it did.
For those of you who have partners who are healthy and don't suffer from food lust...you know sometimes it's hard to talk to them about "your diet". I feel like Heather is probably sick of me saying "I haven't had soda in 4 days"...or "I'm doing good this week"...bc she knows my cycle. I mean, I get tired of hearing MYSELF say it...
But it's the weekend. And it's supposed to be beautiful here in Florida. So it's all gonna be okay!
cyber hug and virtual kisses!
Keep Fighting the Good Fight-
Friday, March 8, 2013
I Just Wanna Be Skinny And Pretty
Posted by Amy W. at Friday, March 08, 2013
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I have a feeling that I'm not like normal people. I think about junk food a lot and how I can't have it because I most likely can never have just one piece of whatever. Cameron doesn't have that problem. He doesn't even like chocolate. So he really doesn't understand this addiction or lust for food.ReplyDelete
On that note, look what you've done! I've seen your before pictures. You are a success story and an inspiration to lots and lots of people. You've done very well. I only hope that I do as well as you one day. <3
for what its worth...I think you are beautiful! I bet you rocked talking to the high schoolers..you have me in stitches!ReplyDelete
I think you're beautiful too Amy. We all have the same issues...I do that to myself all the time. On a bad day I look at other women who are beautifl and thin and say "why can't I have that?" But you know what, I did have that, and I sure as hell didn't appreciate it. I ate myself into a giant body. It's a lifelong process. Somedays, I think my husband deserves more than me...somedays, I'm like damn...can't touch this, I got it going on. Life is like a wave, ride the peaks, because there's always a valley on the other side honey! Chin up, boobs out...you're fabulous!ReplyDelete
Dammit, Amy, you can't tell a bunch of high schoolers the Six Life Rules and then not tell us! Spill it!ReplyDelete
It must be something in the air (speaking from our respective opposite corners of the country). I have been crying and feeling sorry for myself all day, for no particular reason. :( But as always, reading your blog made me feel better. :)
Right there with you sistuh. Like, you stole the words right out of my brain. I just don't want to have to think about this shit anymore. Keep fighting the good fight, love - these cycles are monumentally frustrating, I understand, but I guess without them, we'd be nowhere, right? Sending you hugs...all we can do is soldier on! I think you're amazing and hot and fabulous. So there!ReplyDelete
Amy, you're gorgeous. Heather is soooo lucky to have you. You have so much going for you and your beauty is just a tiny piece of it. I wish I knew how to make you believe that because it is TRUE! (And I'm dying to hear what you told those students - please elaborate.)ReplyDelete