Thursday, January 22, 2009

Fat Happens-An Intro of Sorts

My mom had a book. Every once in awhile I would sit on the carpet in our family room, and when no one was watching, I would pull it out and flip to my favorite page. I don’t remember what verbage my 8 year old mind used, but I remember thinking several things.

Wow those people are fat. At least I’m not that fat. I will never be that fat. And *giggle* those people are naked.

The book was written by one Richard Simmons, and it was called Never Say Diet. I couldn’t figure out why you weren’t supposed to say diet. I said it all the time. My mom had said it. People on people said it. So I asked my mom one day to explain it to me. And she said that "diet" was bad because you weren’t supposed to go on DIETS, you were supposed to change your way of life.

Back to the naked people.

Somewhere in the book their was a sketch of a man and a woman. They were naked, obese, and giving us a side profile shot. I remember their bellies hanging over…lapping over. I remember their fat roles. I remember the ladies breasts were sagging. I remember being horrified and fascinated. Unfortunately, when I look at myself in the mirror today…I have become that sketch.
I wasn’t fat when I was little. I sure thought I was. The first memory I have of feeling fat probably happened when I was about 5. I used to lay in our living room, in front of the bay windows, and lather up in lotion (just regular moisturizer), and try to get a tan. I had a cute little bikini. As I was walking around, my brother and his friend were on the couch and he said something about me having a dimply butt. I didn’t know what he meant. My mom explained it to me. He was implying I had cellulite. I didn’t, but that was all it took. From then on, I believed I was fatter than all my friends. I look at pictures now and I was just an average size girl.
It wasn’t until I started junior high that I was noticeable bigger than pretty much all my girlfriends. I danced. I love to dance, and I was on our dance team. I was a size 14/16 and they had to have my skirt specially made but putting two skirts together.
I’ve always said there are two types of fat girls: the wallflowers who just want to blend in, and the loud funny ones who spend their lives trying to make people forget how fat they are. I am the second of the two.

I was funny, (still like to think I am). I was popular, friends with everyone. On the outside, to the outside world…my weight didn’t bother me. In high school the boyfriends stopped. I still danced, still had tons of friends. And to be honest, I never let my weight prevent me from doing what I wanted. In high school the dance outfits changed. We had to wear one piece black leotards, cinched at the waste with the belt (even the size 4 girls didn’t look to flattering). We also had a spandex top and skirt. For some reason, the senior boys (not all of them, but a good handful), loved to pick on me. They would call me "two lunches"…implying I ate two lunches.
One basketball game, we took the court. We were dancing to a James Brown song and our starting position was crouched on the floor, heads down. The music was taking forever to start…and guess where I was in the formation. Yes, it couldn’t be better if it was an after school special on ABC. I was crouched. They started chanting. "Two lunches, Two lunches"…everyone could hear. The music started. I danced. We walked off the court. I hid. I quite dancing. And that is one of my biggest regrets. I gave power to those boys…and let them take that away from me. I started cheerleading the next year. Didn’t keep me down for long. But still affects me 12 years later.

I’ll skip college and make a long story…well still pretty long….I graduated from college. Moved to Florida.
This is just my intro. My history.

I’ve always joked I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder. That instead of being a tiny person that sees themselves as fat, I am a fat person who always thinks they are a lot skinnier. I feel pretty hot until I see a picture. I still think I was pretty hot weight 220 and being a size 20. I weigh 327 now. And don’t feel that hot anymore.

I knew I needed help. I am hoping that on January 27th, help will come in the form of a little intertube around my stomach.


  1. my sister and i used to talk about how we had reverse body dysmorphic disorder! it is so comforting to hear other people talk that way as well.

    we were both fat girls #2 as well.

    she did gastric bypass a few years ago and i am banding-it sometime this summer.

  2. I'm not sure if you read the older comments, but if you do....are we sisters!!!! Your story sounds much like mine in that I feel like if I remain fashionable and funny, people (myself included) will forget how fat I really am. I saw your posts and pictures on lapbandtalk...You look amazing!!! and decided to visit your blog. I can't wait to read your other posts. Keep up the good work motivating and informing the funny fat girls

  3. Ananymous...blogger is wonderful and sends me a notice when someone posts on my blog. Thanks for letting me knwo i have another sister out there! Funny fat girls forever...or at least until we are thin. Then we will have to the the former funny fat girls.

  4. I just stumbled upon your blog and so far, I could have written this exact same story. It's so wonderful to know there are so many of us gals out there. Looking forward to reading more!

  5. I am bound and determined to read through your blog while I am recouping from the Lap-Band surgery I had at 7:15 am on 1/12/10. I was instantly drawn to your blog for a couple of reasons: You remind me of Jen Lancaster (if you haven't read her books, you HAVE to check them out) and your Lap-Bandversary is my birthday (January 27th).

    Thanks for the inspiration. While my online freelancing writing has forced me to take creative angles with my camera in order to highlight my high cheekbones and deceive those who wouldn't read "the fat girl's opinion), I've been battling my weight and weight issues for a long time. Sure, in high school I once weighed 122 (I'm 5'5") but that was after a couple years of being bullimic. Now I've had to have dental extremes done to repair the damage gone long overdue in treating, keep hearing people say I'm "not that big" (I was around 280 at my highest, I weighed in at 241 this morning pre-surgery) or the people who knew me when I was younger and get on my case for "wasting" my thin years (these comments are from my friends who have been heavy their whole lives and never have known what it's like to be thin) to my grandmother berating me at Xmas dinner about why I can't lose the weight "like a normal person."

    Oh, and top that off with the fact that I have no health problems so my healthy insurance wouldn't cover my surgery and I won the procedure off a local radio station contest and you've got even more fuel for the fire.

    I have always worked hard at what I've achieved, but I have never felt like I deserved it more than someone else. I kept thinking how I deserved a crappy deadbeat ex-husband in order to find the wonderful, supportive (and 160 pound - jeez, I wonder sometimes what people think of us when we're together, he's only 5'8" and "slight" build) boyfriend that I deserve.

    Anyhoo... long rambling comment short, I am enjoying finding the "reality" in the blogs, unlike The Biggest Loser which I have come to understand through my Lap pre-op education is run like a brain washing camp (they have no magazines, no newspapers, no telephones, no TV and limited selections in music to play for working out - can you say The Biggest CULT??). I still watch the show because my 9 year old daughter loves it (she's a little Libra with an extremely high empathy level), but I'm tiring of it.

    Especially when I try and lie down and that stupid shoulder pain kicks in. My incision sites aren't NEARLY as bad as the damn gas in the shoulder! I needed to prepare by getting a little mouth or butthole installed there so that it could pooter it out!

    And the comment just got longer. LOL... I have my own "persona" blog where my previously high ranking MySpace blogs are cataloged and newer ones are occasionally put up (, if you'd like to check it out).

    Anyhow, thanks so much for sharing and being so frank. This is really going to help me on my journey (and amazingly, sitting in my comfy computer chair is more relaxing than trying to lie down. *sad face*).

    Zara Brumana

  6. Zara! I responded to you on your website :)

  7. Reverse body dysphormic order!!! I SO HAVE THAT!!! I go out thinking I am HOT stuff and then see a picture and want to die. We ARE cute girls though...too bad the fat negates all of that.

  8. I've been reading your most recent posts and decided to go back to your beginning since I am just starting my journey now. When I read your post you sound so similar to me. I have called our affliction anti-anorexia. I see myself as much smaller and prettier than I really am. I'm going to read your whole darn blog from the beginning. I am in recovery and got banded on July 9, 2013. My blog is

  9. Yep. Starting from the beginning. I feel like I'm reading about myself.