Friday, July 1, 2011

Goodbye Numerical Self Loathing

At least for one month.  Today's weigh in, the last first and the last for the month of July was 172.4.

Do you know what I realized the other day?

I only "hate" my body....I only pick my body apart...I only feel down and discouraged about my body...when I am comparing it to other's.

To put it in a this-is-never-going-to-happen-scenario-but-it-makes-a-point example:  if I was on a stranded island and I was all alone, I doubt there would be a moment that I would look at my body or think of my body with disgust.  It would be perfectly fine.  I could collect coconuts.  I could run from wild animals.  I could swim.  I could sunbathe nude.

But here in the real world, if I am surrounded by "nice body people", or at the beach and see stomach's without loose skin, or thighs that don't resemble elephant skin...well, then I start to compare.  Same thing with my weight.  I don't mind my body at this weight.  Seriously.  Sometimes I feel super fly.  And I feel fit.  But when I see or think of those of you who are 10, 20, 30 pounds lighter...I start to feel bad.

This was a good realization.  It has helped me lately shut my brain up when it's talking the smack.  So think about it.  Do you do the same? 


  1. That's something I'm working on. I compare my body to other people - at this point, mainly other people who have had WLS so that the battle ground is SOMEWHAT even - and feel accordingly about my body from there. Which is sucky.

    I am trying to put myself in this brain mode - When I was at my heaviest, I knew I didn't want to be there. I knew it sucked, from not truly fitting in restaurant booths to feeling movie theater seats squeeze my thighs to not being able to get to go on certain rides with Liv. I couldn't be comfortable at any point in the day when I was that big. Did I like myself? Sure. I liked the inner me a heck of a lot more back then. But I hated the shell that carried her around.

    Now I have to stop and ask myself: Could I live the rest of my life at this weight now? Would I be OK with how other people view me (in clothing, of course)? Sure. I have an easy time buying clothing, fitting into seats ANYWHERE, going on rides with Liv - I have no limitations at this size, none that I had before.

    BUT.... I fucking hate how this post-fatty body looks. I know I need to do more intense weigh training exercise and be patient for the time it will take to see the changes, but the loose skin everywhere just KILLS. I know what I look like naked and I hate it. Being sexless adds to that disgust, since I can't imagine wanting to be with someone else, even if I'm horny and desperate, because I don't want to emotionally but also because I stop and think - well, hell. I wouldn't be sexually attracted to myself.

    TMI, I know, right?

  2. I do that, too. :(

    I mean... I weigh 40 lbs more than you, but I definitely am doing it already. And then when I'm home alone after a shower or something and I'm able to actually wrap a towel around myself, or shave my legs standing up... I feel on top of the world.

    If only everyone weighed the same amount, like you and FitBy40. Sigh.

  3. You forgot to mention Wilson. You'll pick coconuts with Wilson and love Wilson and pet Wilson. And Wilson will tell you everyday that you look smashing!

    Seriously, I 'compare' all the time. That's one of my biggest issues. But I don't just do it with my body image, I do it personality wise, financial wise, everything wise. I've always been comparing my life to others because I have such low self-esteem. That's what it really boils down to, I think, self-esteem and confidence. I just need to get me up some of that!!!

  4. Oh how I can relate! The extra skin I am despising. I knew going into this journey I would have extra skin, I kept praying I would be one of the lucky ones that it would all just go back to where it should be or disappear but it hasn't. I keep trying to tell myself I didn't get fat over night so this skin isn't gonna come off over night. I am a year into this and have noticed some difference and know I need to give it another year to see what my body can do but I have already spoken to my doctor about a tummy tuck down the road. The extra skin on my stomach is what really bothers me but I have noticed my thighs and upper arms are sagging too. But I guess I would rather take the saggy skin then adding back 105 lbs back to my body.

  5. I definitely do the same...for instance, right now I am thinking about how badly I just hate you because you are like 20lbs lighter than me!!!!!!!! Damn you!!! haha

  6. It's my legs that bother me most those are my worse areas even when I was thin. And as I got bigger, they really got bigger and as I get smaller, they are taking their time shrinking... and I have loosey goosey skin and elephant knees. So when I see a girl with great legs, I am jealous. But I notice that all the people I think have great bodies are much younger than me and I think that I want my youth back... I am writing a blog post in my head as I think this out... Gotta Go, Love ya Sunshine! *M*