My name is Amy and I used to be an active blogger.
I am here guys. I am alive. Thank you to all of those who sent me worried emails or instant messages. I have been having a premidlife crisis of some sort, and I am back...and going to share a little of that with you.
Hmmm...where to start. You've have always loved my honesty yes?
Something has happened inside my brain and possibly my heart. I am not sure why, all of a sudden, I have found it super important to reevaluate my current situation, but nonetheless...the time has come.
I am not sure what my future holds, what my heart really wants, or where I am supposed to be. Simply put...I don't know if I am supposed to be with Tracey forever. And because I know the ring is coming, I finally decided it was time to voice some of these doubts that have been nagging me for a very long time. I should take a moment to reassure you, Tracey is a wonderful man and I love him to the ends of the world and back. You know he bends over backwards for me and goes above and beyond. But honestly, it' s not about that. Something inside me says...
Make sure Amy. Just make sure.
And it has been a very hard and painful week for both of us. A lot of sadness and confusion. And we are working on it. He is trying even harder to make sure I love him (which kills me) and I am trying even harder to find Amy.
I don't want to go into all the deep details, not for my sake, but for some respect for Tracey. He is a private man in that regard, so just know...
I have missed you guys and I am doing okay.
I do worry that I may be going insane. And then someone asked me if I was thinking all of these things because of the weight loss. Hell...I hadnt thought about that. I think I have always felt that Tracey wasn't exactly who I pictured falling in love with, but I did, and he is kind and good, and although I dont know if I believe in a forever love, I think you decide in life to commit and just do it. ARGH! SO maybe with all this new attention and freedom and life that I have found, I am looking deeper inside of me. Maybe I am letting myself feel things that I have tried to bury.
I just don't want to hurt anyone. And sometimes it is hard to be true to yourself when someone elses heart is involved.
So there you have it.
In true me fashion though, I am trying to put my best foot forward. We had Tracey's niece over last night and played gymnastics in the living room.