Wonder Woman

The Tough Mudder in Jacksonville is finally upon us!  We must have signed up a million years ago, and have been talking about it and training for it ever since. 

I am so ready for it to come...and then just be a wonderful memory!

Our team's costume theme, which is not required but really...what's the point of doing a race if you can't look precious...is SuperHero's.  I did not pick this theme, but since half of our team is BORING, my girlfriend included, they vetoed my Tough Mudder Trucker idea (which included trucker hats, cut off shorts, wife beaters, aviator sunglasses, and tube socks), and agreed on the Hero theme (because the boring people could order these underarmour alter ego shirts).

I digress.

So Carmen and I ordered these outfits from Spencers.  They have them in store, but in store they didn't have the cuffs or headband...and let's be frank...the cuffs and headband make the costume.  Those shorts are quit snug yes?  I mean, Wonder Woman didnt wear UnderArmour capris under her bloomers...but mama will be.  If I could have found the proper mom high-waisted undies that she really wore...I MIGHT have ran in just those.

But alas...I could not find them.

I would also like to take this time to apologize to the 16 of you who read my post from last night.  I wrote that poor little feller while under the influence of Ambian. I reread it this morning and holy Jamba Juice...it may have been the worst thing I have ever written.  There were spelling errors (more so than normal), grammatical errors (again, more so than normal), and it was a hodge podge of randomness.  I barely made sense to myself.  So I just went back and edited it to make it a little more cohesive.

Goodness!

Happy Wednesday friends!

May the force be with you!

Fat Girl Skinny Girl Fat Girl Skinny Girl.

Am I fit and healthy or am I flabby and fat?  Am I conditioned and ready for battle, or have my former fat girl years done so much damage to my joints that they will  always  be my downfall?

WHO am I?  Am I a fit 166 pound woman or that girl who weighed 327 just 4.5 short years ago?

So many of the  battles we fight with weight and dieting are on a battlefield that is easily visible to the outer world.   You can see us out there fighting the good fight, fighting the food fight...but the real battle happens long after the lights have gone down and the friends and followers have returned safely home and snuggle in their warm beds.
The hardest fought battle is in our mind.  For those of you on this journey, you experience this.  I think that the power that our former selves holds onto our psyche is quite incredible. And while we have talked before about how jacked up our brains are, it hit me again the other night while watching my favorite guilty pleasure on NetFlix...Nip/Tuck. 

We started watching Nip/Tuck several months ago, and have finally caught up to the last season.  So an episode comes on and Liz (an anesthesiologist in the plastic surgeons office), brings in a friend  that she happened to meet at a nudist colony.  Her friend was played by Danica Sheridan, and her characters name was Lola.  Well Lola came into Christians office (the womanizing superficial appearance obsessed doctor) to have some of her moles removed.  Christian, assuming that removing moles from her body would only be the beginning,  also said the could do some tummy tucking or lipo for a discount. TO which Lola said no.  She loved her body just the way it was.  She lean leaned into Christain and said "Oh.  You've never been with a big girl before have you?

If you have ever watched the show, you can see where this is going to lead.  Yes.  Christian and Lola end up having sex, and it turns out..."it was the best sex of his life"...which he struggles with because Lola's body does not match the image in Christian's head of what a perfect woman should look like.

   He goes home and tells his wife about this sexual encounter and his wife just so happens to be Kimber.  A former model, a former porn star,who has spent her live starving herself and dieting ....so she sees this betray as a pass to eat all the food she has always denied herself.  Just in case you dont know what Kimber looks like, this is her



So blah blah, Christian feels guilty or disgusted that he liked sleeping with big girl and so he finds her in the kitchen by recovery only in her birthday suit.

The quality is rough, but you get the picture.  And he says some hurtful things to her...and here is where MY brain comes into play...I felt like I was her.  I feel like that ass and those thighs and those rolls are MY rolls.  I feel like that is what I still look like.  Now in all reality, my weight is closer to Kimber's than Lola's, but it occurred to me when watching this episode that the girl in my head is still that girl standing in the kitchen in that picture up there.  That is who I think I look like MORE so than the skinny Kimber.

In most social situations I feel that people who don't know me still would report me out to their friends like "you know...the fat one"...or if not fat then "the big one".  When Heather introduces me to someone I am usually thinking that THEY are thinking "why is Heather with someone who is fat since Heather is so fit".  I just don't know what people think of me.  I didn't really know 170 pounds ago either I guess.

On the flip side of not knowing how I come off, the other day I was talking about co teaching some of Heather's fitness's classes with her.  She is really fit, she is good at putting a workout together, she does not enjoy leading the class, being the center of attention, or having to really give feedback during the class.  All things I could help with.  And I told her that she is scary and intimidating to some people because she is so fit....and that I am just one of "them"...I am just an average girl working out and that new people, or people who maybe aren't AS fit as Heather, can relate to me.

To which SHE said, " I dont know babe...since you have lost that weight you look like you are a beast and you are over there doing pull-ups...I don't think they think you are one of "them" anymore.

Well shit kettle bells why dont you?  Im not below average.  Im not average. But I am certainly not elite crazy i-wear-a-beanie-to-workout-in-the-middle-of-the-summer Heather Gainey.  I am not above average either.

I don't know where I am.  At 166 and 5'4" I am only now just out of the obese category according to the BMI charts.

puh-shaw.

I hope the tone of this post doesn't sound Debbie Downer.  I am mentally doing well today.  But it just struck me crazy that Kimber was the enemy in my mind,  and I could have switched places with Lola and all her fat and no one would have notice....again...in my mind.  Such a scary place to be sometimes!

Sugar Salt Fat

This book may be one of the primary reasons I have been able to walk the line this time around.  I bought it for my ipad Nook app at the same time I started taking the meds, gave up soda, gave up fast food, and started working out more.

It came at the perfect time in my life.  I was ready to receive it if you will.  The book is not a diet book.  It is not a workout book.  Michael Moss isn't selling anything (except his book of course).  He is an investigative food journalist and the book focuses on how the "food giants" have evolved over the years into huge corporations who design food, through scientists and engineers, that's sole purpose is to get us hooked on processed food. 

There are three parts to the book.  Can you guess what they are?  Yes...Salt, Sugar, Fat.  This book spoke it me.  It was so exciting and eye-opening...and I am sure that Heather was tired of me turning to her and interrupting HER book reading time with tidbits like "Did you KNOW that a 1/4 of spaghetti sauce has just as much sugar as 3 oreos?  WELL DID YOU".

The chapters on Soda (pop) were eye opening and alarming.  And seriously, I owe this book for giving me the knowledge to stay away from that pepsi that has been hiding at the back of my fridge.  Our brains, as many of us out here in blogland have long known, are addicted to food.  A snickers or soda lights up and excites the same part of our brain that cocaine does.  Our pleasure sensors go crazy.  And what's more than that...it doesnt just go away after we finish eating it....just like a druggie...we crave more.  we need more. Our brains are telling us more more more!

And I don't know if you can blame these big companies likes Kelloggs, Frito Lay, Coca-Cola...for hiring scientists to run study after study on how to engineer the food or drink just the right way to get us even more addicted.  That's their business after all!

But the evolution of meals and dinners from 1950's to present day has been a fast and scary one.  All the processed food that we eat...bad bad bad.

The things we buy for convenience...bad bad bad.

And while I have always known this on some level, the book really put it in terms and language that I clicked with. 

Do you know the average American eats 30pounds of cheese a year?  And do you know that I probably eat twice that average (well, not NOW).

Do you know that potato chips are tested and tweeked until they have a perfect crunch sound that entice people in just the right way?  Just because of the sound.

And how many of you, many of the people I work with, are still confused about these companies and what they promote as "healthy".  Diet soda is worse off for you than regular.  Know why?  Because to make it taste good in diet form, they have to add so many chemicals...so yes...less calories, but actually worse for you.  Fat free ranch?  NOPE.  It's better to have Regular Ranch (2 tablespoons).  Real butter over margarine. 

There is so much to learn.

And trust me, I pretty much just massacred the description of the book...but you should read it.  It's kinda HUGE.  Thankfully my sister just read it in about 2.3 hours (we DO have the gift of speed reading)...but now I have another human to talk about it with!

I Forgot My Underwear On Friday

You know, one of the hazards of working out before work somewhere other than your house and thus the requirement placed upon you to pack your gym bag with all of your accessories is that sometimes...SOMETIMES...you forget something.

Perhaps it's your moisturizer.

Perhaps blow dryer.

Perhaps your pants (this has happened to me twice).

But Friday, I forgot my underwear.  Which I didn't realize until after my shower and it was casual Friday...which means I had to go commando in jeans.  And for those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that my lady bits are quite...I don't want to say juicy...they are large and in charge.  And jeans have that damn seam in the crotch which is more bulbous than say, slacks...and I swear...it was like a little jockey down there riding a prize race horse...all day long. 

UHhhhh-noying.

THEN, to make matters worse, even though I had worked out before work, I was going to run after work, and Lord knows I CANNOT run with out underwear, so I had to put on the underwear I had wore to workout in the morning....

AWEEEEE-SOME.

So that's my story!  How have you all been?  As usual, I have been blogging in my head and not actually posting.  But after a text from my sister shaming me for my lack of blog updates, I promised I would actually put fingers to keyboard.

Things in the way of weight loss have been amazing.  It's been 2.5 months since I have recommitted to getting back to my fighting weight...and I have lost 27 pounds.  And I am not going to lie...I am really proud of myself.  It feels like longer than two and a half of months, but after I looked back at my calendar, I think that's about right.  I started the phentermine at the begging of March and that jumped started my weight loss.  I couldn't be more thankful for that damn pill.  It helped me to start losing again.  After about 6 weeks, I could tell it wasn't really having an affect on my appetite anymore, but it was still giving me energy.  I tried going off of it for several days this week and I was pretty lethargic...and extremely moody.  I don't know if it's a placebo effect, but I will keep taking them until my prescription runs out.

I still have been soda free for the last 2.5 months as well...and to tell you the truth...I hardly ever miss it.  I went about a month without drinking, but have had a few beers a couple of weekends.  I will tell you this...when I do drink...even if I have been "perfect" the rest of the week, I will not lose that week.  I won't gain, but I won't lose.  Not one pound.  For me to lose at this point, I have to be ON POINT.  Until this week, I had been in a holding pattern...stuck around 170.  Today I weighed in at 166.

 



 I have also been working out more since recommitting.  And for that means, more cardio.  I would say that I work out 7-13 times a week.  I do two-a-days at least a couple of times a week.  My beautiful coworker Carmen and I have been running.  Her husband is in Afghanistan and will hopefully come back in the early fall, so we have set some fitness goals together.  We run Tuesday and Thursday, and are up to 5 miles at a time.  We run the same pace and it is fantastic to have a running buddy that is at your level. 

With that said...I still hate running.

Truth.

I hovered around 166 in 2011.  But I think that my body is actually a little more tone/smaller this time around.  I feel fit.  I feel good.

Most days.

There are days though where I hate the inside of my thighs, my stomach skin, my batwings, my boobs. 

We were at the beach a few weeks ago and I was feeling good in my bikini and one of our acquaintances came up to me and said "so, how much for a tummy tuck?"  And we talked about skin removal surgery, and I pretended not to care...but it was kinda like a kick in my loose skin covered tummy.  Later, after we were home and I told Heather about it, she threatened to beat him down...but it was just a reminder that I will always have the evidence of my former life...on the outside...and of course it will always be there on the inside of my brain as well.

Other fantastic things have been happening as well.  The 5k that we try to do annually was at the end of April.  Carmen and I had only been running for a couple weeks at that point, but I had my personal best time.

 

 

That is Carmen's son Jackson.  He ran with Heather and he took 2nd in his age group and Heather took first in hers.  Carmen and I finished with a better time than last year and we didnt die.  Mission accomplished.

 

It has been beach weather here for a couple of months now.  So we have been out there doing our thing.

 

These are a few of my favorite people.  Andrea, the beautiful blonde...will be doing the Tough Mudder race with us THIS Saturday.  She also just ran a marathon.  Nathan, my curly haired gay lover from another mother is also doing the race.  And of course my badass Heather.

 

Yes, Tough Mudder in Jacksonville if FINALLY upon us.  We will leave Friday for Jacksonville, Fl (about 6 hours from us), and we are in the first wave of the race at 10am on Saturday.  We should be running for about 4 hours, 12 miles...25 obstacles. 

Someone died a few weeks ago at the race up north.  Jumped in cold water, went into shock, drown.

 

Truth.

 

So we will be running as a team and be accountable for buddies.  We are dressing in a SuperHero Theme...and Carmen and I will be WonderWomen.  We also have Heather as the Hulk, a captain america, aqua man, batman, robin, superwoman...and possibly a few others.  I hope two things #1.  We survive.  #2 There are photos of me looking like a beast. 

 

AND...I am so proud of several member of my family!  My parents starting working out and changing their eating habits at the beginning of this year.  They are working out and losing weight!  Good thing bc I need them around forever.  We are heading to the boat for Memorial Weekend...and I am pretty pumped.

 

My niece is still working out and even running.  We had a long conversation a couple of months ago when she couldn't get the damn scale to move despite her best efforts.  Sometimes I will do not understand the scale.  It really is not as simple as calories in and calories out.  You just gotta keep reevaluating and upping your game and hold on to the fact that you know you are doing the right thing...and the scale will USUALLY catch up.

 

But the best news of all is my sister (who...ehmmm...just turned 50 this year) has become a crazy health nut!  She joined our Planet Fitness, she bought a juicer, she watched the documentaries and FINALLY read the book that has helped change the way I look at food (coming in the next post).  And she has lost...well...at least 30 pounds (could be more).  But that's doing it "the old fashioned way".  And she is working hard.  I am so proud of her.  Heather is so proud of her.  We are going to be one hot family for the next Christmas card shoot...

 

Here's a reminder of this year's shoot.



Heather's birthday is next Wednesday.  She will be 36.  We just celebrated our 3rd anniversary...and if Florida ever legalizes and validates our equality...ya'll better be ready to buy a plane ticket and get your asses to our wedding.

Life is pretty amazing right now. 

I am trying to become a better person all around.  Hell...I've even flossed two-days in a row!  But I am trying to be more understanding of Heather's need (not SEXUAL needs), but just trying not to let my damn emotions is the logic that must live in my brain somewhere.  What is true about Heather and I is that we have the same core values and hold the same things to be important.  Our family.  Animals.  Beliefs.  Love.  But the WAY we show those things are sometimes very different.  The way we picture a relationship going is sometimes different.  So we are always learning how to compromise and work the love putty :)

I will try and post every day this week.  I want to talk about the book Sugar Salt Fat...I want to tell you what I have been eating, what I have been doing, what my next focus is...so many things.

I hope this finds you all well.  I miss you guys.

Keep fighting the good fight.

5 Weeks Of Good Behavior

Tomorrow will be the 5 week mark  for my current stretch of good behavior.  5 weeks of making healthy choices.  That's probably a record for me.  Even in the beginning of my lap-band losing...you know I enjoyed the two weeks of being "perfect" followed by several days of oreos and cheeto binges.  Feast or famine my friends.  Feast or famine.

But so far so good.  I am 17 pounds down from my highest.  Today I weighed in at 176.6. The last couple of weeks have not leant themselves to much movement on the scale, but I haven't been discouraged.  I truly believe that right now in my weight loss journey, I need to be 98% consistent with my drink, diet, and exercise or else my body won't lose. 

But I haven't felt that deprived.  There are no "hard rules" to what I am doing, except no soda.  But even that wasn't a hard rule at the beginning.  I was just going to try and cut back.  I haven't had any fast food either.  I am still trying to focus on water, water, water...bringing my own lunch to work, snacking a LOT less, drinking a LOT less (maybe one or two beers on the weekend, but only in social situations), upping my cardio (which basically means 2-a-days several times a week), and trying to stay away from processed foods.

With that said, I did enjoy some mega-stuffed oreos at our friends house on Saturday night.  But that's okay.  I was okay with it.  If the scale didn't move this morning (Monday's are my official weigh in days), I would know why.

I also ordered a bikini from Victoria's Secret.  I have tried their swimsuits before, but usually their bottoms are cut so low that my belly skin likes to dangle over the top.  But the bottoms I got are fold over, so you can adjust the coverage.  And the top is a push up, which is beyond wonderful for my saggy old sock cha-cha's.

Fisher, Heather's little cousin, came and stayed with us over his spring break (that is his little butt crack below), and all the pictures from that weekend in my bikini dont really bother me.  I can handle my stomach...and my cellulite.

Cellulite is the devil.

The water is a tad cold still.  Hence the face below.

 Now with the picture below, I want you to look very closely at the skin beneath my boobies.   Can you see the tan zone in the middle, flanked by lighter areas on the outside of the tan area?  Do you know what the lighter skin is from?

Well, let me tell you.  You know how we like to sunbathe, in the nudie, in our backyard?  Well, those white marks of from my boobs hanging down!  Seriously...

Seriously...

 This is my friend Nathan and I practicing our toe points.  Obviously he needs more practice.

 And here is a picture I love.  We went to see the Blue Angels practice when Fisher was here.  The stranger holding my camera did a great job.  Do you see my Tervis tumbler of water?  I've been hauling that thing with me every where.  The straw is the key.

 And finally, this is what I have to live with.  And boy do I love it...but still...it's kinda ridiculous.  Yesterday when we were going to a baseball game, Heather asked me "Do I look fat". To which I replied "No"....without even looking.  She said "you didn't even LOOK"...I said "you never look fat.  Now stop talking to me".  lol



Dancing Trolls & Password Changes

Many moons ago, when I was a young buck-ette (I guess that would be a doe), I was prescribed Ambien.  I am not one of those people who just fall asleep at bedtime.  Heather give me a night-night kiss, say I love you, spoon me...and that's it.  Lights out for her.  I will just be laying there, hearing the dogs licking their paws, thinking and thinking.  My brain doesn't shut off.  THEN, when I do fall asleep, I will wake up a gagillion times.

ANYWAYS, back in the day, Ambien made me hallucinate.  Not in a bad way really, but my Doc had told me to take it about 45 minutes before bedtime, and really...you are supposed to take it go to bed right away.  Because if not...your brain goes cray-cray.

A few things that happened, in no particular order:

1.  I was pretty sure the basement of my townhouse, where my computer was, was full of spirits that disappeared every time I tried to make eye contact.

2.  My best friend Lisa and I would be talking on the phone (she lives in Seattle, I in Kansas at the time), and then I would be so confused where she went because I thought she was on the bed with me...not on the phone.

3.  Once, there were tiny dancing trolls on my curtain rod.  They were UH-DOREABLE.

4.  My dog likes to lick me.  Which I do not like.  Well, I let him lick my face repeatedly bc I thought he was King of a magical land and he was anointing me.

Seriously.  I am not making any of that up.

Well, upon reporting these happenings to my doctor...he stopped prescribing them to me.  Saaaad day.

So when I went to my new doctor a couple of weeks ago, I asked for another try.  And I love those little sleepy pills.  And I haven't had any strange visions or anything.

WELL, today I went to get on my work iPad.  It has a different iTunes account and iCloud account than my personal phone of course, and today it kept telling me my password was wrong.  THEN I saw and email on my ipad email account that said someone had changed my password on Tuesday.

Who could have done it?

My coworker who set up the account?

A hacker?

After pointing fingers and fretting about it for a couple of hours it hit me.

I think I DID!  The reset email was 9:47 pm on a Tuesday night.  Hmmmm...perhaps I vaguely remember being on my iPad.  But not really.

I am sticking with the identity theft theory.

I did make a mental note to make sure I wasn't sexting long lost loves or half-cousins.

Heather should keep a better watch over me.  Course she is asleep at that time, but still.

I just wanted to share that story with y'all.

Happy Thursday.

A Little White Pill and A Tiny Fill

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I went and met my new primary care physician.  Everytime I find a good PCP, they leave or move or go where doctors go to die...Boca Raton.  I had no pressing issue, but I need to have my woo woo exam because it's been a couple of years and mama and her vagina aren't getting any younger and one must say abreast of ham wallet health.  I also wanted to talk her about the new FDA approved diet drugs on the market.

So I can in and weigh (sweet mamba-jamba their scale of death said 197), I meet her, we make small talk...and then I summon to courage to say...

"SO, what do you think about prescription diet pills?"

(It should be noted that I HATE asking my doctors for meds.  I always feel like they are going to think I am a drug-seeking coo coo bird). 

And she replies..

"Wellllll...I think that weight loss is really about diet and exercise and encourage food journaling before pills".

Good answer.  Good answer.  But I had a little Heather sitting on my shoulder saying grab your lady balls and tell her you want some (It should also be noted that Heather would never say lady balls).

She went on to say that usually patients will tell her "I don't know why I am not losing weight",  but when she has them keep a journal of their food, they will find that their diet is the issue.

To which I said, "Listen Doc.  I KNOW that food is my problem.  I have the exercising thing down, and I have this lapband, but I can't seem to get back on track so can I TRY the pills for at least a month."

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

She said yes, as long as I kept a food journal.

She prescribed me phentermine.  Now, I THOUGHT this was the new drug they approved in the fall, but turns out the new drug is a combination of phentermine and Topamax and only certain docs can prescribe it right now.  Regardless, I had my prescription filled and on a Tuesday, 13 days ago...I started taking them.

At this point, juuuust in case anyone is confused, I should state that I AM NOT A DOCTOR NOR AM I TELLING YOU TO START TAKING THIS DRUG.

Shooo, glad we cleared that up.

But, here is my review thus far. 

I popped that little white pill (in the morning, before breakfast) and off I went.  On my very first day, I felt like I was hopped up on caffeine.  I didn't snack.

I thought the no snacking could have been a fluke.

However, this medicine has the strangest effect on me.  I AM REALLY NOT HUNGRY.  Now, I have been thinking about this phenomenon and how to describe it.  Even with my beautiful lapband, I clearly eat and graze when I am not physically hungry.  If I have almonds in my office, regardless of whether or not I want to eat or need to eat, I will probably crack open the can and toss a few back.  If you have nachos around me, I will partake. 

Since taking the meds, I don't really care.  I am not skipping meals, I am getting around 1200-1500 calories a day, but it has helped my brain so much.  I am in love with it.  I wish I could live in this Utopia forever.   Combined with my commitment to only drinking water, no fast food, bringing my lunches, incorporating fruits as snacks, and trying to be "mostly good", I have lost 10 pounds these last couple of weeks.

Phentermine is not intended for long-term use (can you hear the voice on the commercials right now that will talk at the end and warn of death and erections that last longer than 4 hours).  I am assuming that at some point, my body or my brain will start to become accustomed to this wonder drug and not be so effective.  The only side effect that I have experienced is CRAZY DRY MOUTH!  Like...insane.   Which helps because it makes me want to suck water down non-stop. 

I have been journaling my food as instructed, and I revisit my doc in two weeks.  If I start to think about what will happen when I go off the meds, I start to panic.  So I am just choosing to live in the now.

Other tactics that I am using for this round of weight loss:

1.  I went and got my fill on Thursday.  The beautiful Dr. Friedman told me I am doing great and that I am "obsessed with the scale"...I love him.  And would like to believe that I can stop worrying about it...but coming close to 200 is scary-land for me.  The fill is good, although I can't really tell much of a difference.  However, it's hard since I am on the meds bc restriction is not supposed to be about getting stuck on certain foods, but about satiety of those foods and how long your hunger is curbed.  Well, when you are on magic pills that curbs your hunger...you can't use that to judge.  Today for lunch though I ate a sandwich I had made on those sandwich round thin thingies.  It took me about 30-35 minutes to eat it...but no problems.  Nothing uncomfy.  I might wait a month or so and go back and get just a smidge more if needed.

2.  Focusing on how my clothes fit.  I have the number 167 in my head because almost all of my pants fit preettty good at 167.  So I am using the fit of my jeans and work pants as a guide, really more so than the number on the scale.  I want all my clothes to fit again with no muffin top. 

3.  Looking at the "skinny pictures" from when I was about 10 pounds lighter.

4.  Appreciating how good I feel mentally when I am eating better and making healthier choices.

5.  Knowing I can do this. 

So far so good.  We went camping this week, and I drank 4 beers (for the first time in a couple of weeks).  I ate a couple of smores.  But I was aware of those choices and knew that it was okay.  For my lunches at work, if I bring soup or a sandwich from home, I get a little 160 calorie bag of chips to go with it.  A little sodium highly processed food in moderation.  It's a little treat.

So now we are all caught up!  Happy Monday friends.