What?! Blogger has been broken for over a week?!

Can you believe it? I have been trying to blog now for over a week and Blogger has been broken. Wow..yeah....

What? You can't believe it?

FINE! I am lying!!!! I can't ever pull anything over on you guys.

I haven't been hiding, overeating, or forgetting about the loyal legion of blog readers in our wonderful world of unicorns and CareBear gumdrop turds. I went on a little vacation to the boat...ALONE...to meet my best friend of over a decade...Lisa. Lisa lives in Seattle, we met at a summer camp in upstate New York where somebody put us in charge of children and canoes. I haven't seen her in over 4 years, and you know your friendship is awesome when after 4 years, it doesn't seem like you have been apart for more than 4 seconds.

I was actually getting in bed when I got a facebook message from Kerri linking me to this post on her blog. So how could I NOT turn on the old lappie top and make an entry. In all fairness, I typed an entry last week. But I typed it at 3 in the morning or something so it wasnt very witty and I saved it to drafts and never published the little sucker. I might give it a once over and publish it anyways.

So, here is what happened whilst I was vacaying in Alabama. I will number the events for your reading pleasure:

1. Lisa and I went for a walk. Turns out the Pumas I love so dearly and wear to circuit and Zumba are not made for walking. After about a mile, I knew the blisters on my heels were quickly inflating to grapefruit size, and I was left with no other choice but to...

JOG!

Now, I thinking that jogging and/or running is just athletic snobbery. I mean, for those walkers amongst us who have completed 5ks at a very impressive walking speed, do you ever tell people that you "walked" the race and they are like..."OOOOOH...yeah....okay." While they look down their noses at us walkers? I also like to say that jogging is bad for your joints, ups your risk of dying while exercising, and other such excuses. Secretly though...I want to be a jogger. DO NOT tell anyone damn it. My reputation will be ruined. So, Lisa and I jogged a good portion of the remaining mile back to the boat.

2. We took apeshit loads of pictures. If you have friended me on Facebook, you have surely viewed some of them.

3. We canoed and went golf ball hunting. The marina is right by a golf course, and during the cold season when the lake weeds (millfoil) isnt overgrown, we once found 100 golf balls in the water. Our latest endeavour netted us only 10. Please remember when exiting a canoe, always point the toe.

4. We went to Zumba. OH GOOOOOD LORD it was horrible. I have long worried that Priscillia, my current Zumba instructor, has ruined me. You see...she is Zumba. She is a little Latin jumping bean....and our Zumba is high HIGH impact. You are jumping and your heart is racing the entire time. The Zumba Lisa and I went to brought shame upon the house of Zumba. And did you know what we had to do? We freaking left before the class was over. Just walked right out.

5. We skied and kneeboarded everyday. Lisa learned to kneeboard like a champ, and ate the water with her face several times. Please for the love of Pete, check out the video of her swan diving the wake on my Facebook. I pee'd a little when it actually happened. Right in my swimsuit. A giggle tinkle if you will. I skied at least twice an outing. And I loved it. My parents and Lisa are trying to get me to do a toehold. You take your back foot out of the ski and stick it in front of you and put the handle on it. Yeah. I will get a picture of that when it actually happens!

6. I ate loads of poppycock. And by poppycock, I mean CRAP! Oreos for breakfast, ice cream with dark chocolate peanut butter cups for breakfast the next day...etc. And guess what? I came home to face the Scale of Terror...and I didnt gain one pound! God Bless America. So I am still weighing in at 178.

7. And because in Scottsboro there is nowhere to shop, we went to Kmart almost everyday. Walmart provided us with adult cartoon shirts. Pictured below.

And these cute little undies came from the Big K!

Makes ya just want to wink at your neighbor doesnt it?

And so that's it! I am back in Pensacola now and just so SUPER excited to go back to work tomorrow. NOT!

But I am a little excited to get back to working out like normal. I fear my muscles have turn to ash. Or oreo dust.

Kisses my lovies!

The Fitness Class That Wasn't

Have mercy.



I have procured 4 free classes to a local "fitness studio". This is not a gym. It is women's only studio. They have classes that range from Zumba to a dance class that you can bring your high heels and walk the runway at the end of class. Needless to say...that kind of excited me.



So, I googled directions to the new "private studio". I ended up in a neighborhood, parked outside someones house. That's right. The "private studio" was someones two car garage. I started to panic. I was already nervous that I was taking a class called Hot Body Kickboxing. I thought it might be too hard. What if I died? But then I got nervous that my death would not be due to high impact cardio, but because I was being lured into someones house only to be slain.



But I pulled up my big girl panties and went in. I immediately knew I was in trouble.



First, my instructor looked like Barbie. I soon found out she was literally (I am not exaggerating here), getting ready to compete in Miss Florida USA or something. Second, she asked me what size weights I wanted. I asked her "How heavy do you got"? She said we have 3, 5, and 8 pound weights. Um....yeah. I curl 25 pound weights...so I just said "I will take the 8 pounders please".



Now she did earn some points when she asked me..."Are you a personal trainer because you look really muscular". I told her "No, but I date one :)"



Okay, so into the two car garage I go. It has a fake hardwood floor and really looks rather cute. However, that's where the good ends.



There were two other participants in the class. One very bossy girl and then the boring one. Workout Barbie made some small talk with me, talked about how her blonde hair extension pig tails made her sweat, and we began. It was like when you were 13 and you and your girlfriends make up a dance routine and pretend you are actually skilled. It was terrible from the get go. However, being the eternal optimist that I am...I was hoping we were just "warming up".



I don't know how this chick got this job. I quickly learned she was one of those people who looked fit but really wasnt. She exhausted herself doing 3 pound tricep extensions! She was playing music from her ipod, but after every song she went and picked a new one! There was no cardio! I didnt even sweat! It was HORRIBLE! Seriously...she would walk her ipod after a 3 minute routine and chat with the other two ladies...

and just chat....

and chat....

And then finally pick a song and do something in front of the mirror that I think was supposed to be kickboxing.

I have become a workout snob.

There...I said it.

The class ended after about 45 minutes. I think it did anyways. She was playing with her ipod and talking again...and there was gathering of the little weights and mats...so I took that as my cue to GET OUT!

Oh well. At least it was free.

And the joy that fills my heart is from the fact that I have 3 free classes left.

Don't hate.

Saggy Skin and The Dangly Bits

Things are happening on the skin front my friends. And mommy no like it.


It seems to me that these last 7-10 pounds I have lost...so somewhere between 180 and 170...the loose skin has taken a turn for the worst. I've got the Shar Pei wrinkles going on.

I might post some pretty revealing pictures if I ever find a place to take them! The wrinkles start in the belly button region and move on "downtown". They could be worse, I just worry about what will happen in another 10 pounds! My boobs are even sadder. Sad sad sad!

Which leads me to "the bits"...the lady bits that is. Let me see...how do I put this delicately?

With increasingly less meat and/or fat that makes up the neither regions, the dangles have gotten more...pronounced. They are free-er now and are about and about in all their glory. Seriously. Don't any of you work for Guinness book of world records? I took a good LONG (pun) look at them the other day and was mesmerized. They are rather ridiculous!

sigh

In other news, I wish I needed a fill because I miss Dr. Friedman! But my restriction is still pretty good so I guess I cant complain. It has been 6 months since my last fill.

OH! Speaking of fills and all things ridiculous! My port is very pokey these days. When I am working out and I am doing shoulder presses or anything with my hands over my head, I can see the damn thing sticking out! And when I am laying on or pressed up against other human beings, they can feel it too!

It's funny because when I first made Heather touch my port she didn't like it. It freaked her out. Now guess what? When we are out in public, she rubs the damn thing! Like without even thinking about it, if she is behind me with her arms around my stomach she will just be rubbing my little port baby.

Ha! Have you had your port baby rubbed lately?

The Glass Closet

At some point, when you start a blog with a specific topic as the focus...I believe you come to a crossroads. You have to decide to either stick to the topic, or let the blog morph into something more. Does a lapband blog stay a lapband blog or does it does the lapband just become PART of the story?

Some of you are also very good a privacy. Catherine, you come to mind.

And then there is me. I have always been an open book on my blog. And thankfully, this has never come back to bite me. And it is important to me that one of the things so many of you have told me that you love about me...is my honesty.

So my internal struggle has been...what do I share now? Because, and I know some of you will find this shocking, I have a tendency to share too much. And sometimes I think the world revolves around me. AND, I am trying to think of others. But here goes nothing, and here goes me trying to keep it short and sweet.

A few months back I posted a picture of Heather and Tracey showing off their guns. This was one your first introductions to Heather. She was/is our trainer. And she is now my girlfriend. Tracey knows. He knew as soon as I knew it was more than flirting. She makes me very happy. When I am with her, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I could go on and on about her, but simply put...when I am with Heather, I feel like I am home.

Now the questions that are racing through your head...I shall attempt to answer them:

Q: Have you lost your mind?

A: Not so much

Q: So...are you GAY?

A: I am in love with a woman. That makes me whatever you would like to label me.

Q: Have you ever been with a woman before?

A: I have kissed girls in my younger days...but never more than that. I have always known though that I could love either a man or woman. Love is love. Like I told Drazil, we fall in love with a person's soul, heart, and mind. The rest is all a bonus :)

Q: Does your family know?

A: Oh yea. For over a month now. When I told my mom she told me that she thought I had gone crazy. When my mom told my dad he said "Eh, I'm not surprised".

Q: Do your coworkers know?

A: Yes

Q: Are you just trying to get on Oprah?

A: Damnit! That's a good idea! Do you think it would work?

Q: Uh...is it hard dating someone who is 120 pounds of solid muscle and works out like a beast 5 days a week?

A: Not really. It makes me want to work harder myself.

Q: How is Tracey handling it?

A: As well as he can. He is kind and trying to adjust. He and Heather actually hugged it out the other day. He is a great man.

Q: Are your roomates in Chicago safe? Or should Sherry and Alexis wear turtle necks and sweatpants to sleep?

A: Well, they are both pretty hot...so no guarantees!

So there you have it folks! I am still me. Still Amy. I have felt like I have been keeping a secret from some of my closest 460 plus friends. Now I can get back to talking about my ladybits, saggy tits, throwing up and peeing at the same time, and all things that are important in life.

You can email me with any thoughts or questions. I love you guys!

Shock and AWEsome

My people.

My home skillets and cheese slices.

My loves.

Happy Tuesday to you.

What shall we discuss today?

Jalapeno's? Weight loss? Ports? Lesbians? Diet Sunkist? All of the above? Oh if you could only vote!

First, yesterday brought me into the 170's. 179.5 to be exact. I am striving to keep it moving down and not up. This week is the Shock and Awe workout program. This is not an official program, one that I just made up. You won't be finding it on the shelf at Walmart. Here is what mama is doing:

Monday: Circuit workout. Only upper body. Constant weights for 45 minutes.
Tuesday: Circuit workout. Only lower body and abs. Tonight I will also be doing a new fitness class called Hot Body Kickboxing. I am terrified.
Wednesday: Zumba
Thursday: Circuit workout. Total body.

My body is still sore from skiing, and let me tell you...doing total upper body for 45 minutes with pretty heavy weights did not make it any better! But I figure next week at my parents boat I won't be working out too much, so I better pack it in while I can!

Last night for upper body Heather had me do dead hangs from the pullup bar. You just hang. For 30 seconds. I actually was able to do it. This is good because whenever I watch action movies, and the hero is hanging from something like a steel girder or building...that is the point when I know I would be dead. No hanging for Amy. But apparently I can hang for at least 30 seconds. After that I am screwed.

On to jalapenos. I dont know how you people eat those suckers. I had my first experience with cooking and the Hot J's the other night. I wasnt going to eat them, but the audience I was cooking for enjoys spicy stuff so I cut one open, seeded it, sniffed it, and diced it. I then proceeded to dice up some strawberries. About 10 minutes later I popped a strawberry in my mouth and couldnt figure out why my lips were on fire. YEAH! No one told me to wash my hands AFTER you handle a damn jalapeno! And then I forgot and "itched my nose" (read: picked) and the inside of my NOSE WAS ON FIRE! I couldnt get the burning to stop. First I tried to stick an ice cube up my nose. That didnt work.

And then it hit me. I remembered an episode of MythBusters where they said that milk was the best thing to relieve the burning. So I considered snorting the milk. Instead, I poured a bowl of milk and stuck my damn face right into it. It was real pretty I am sure.

You will be glad to know that it didn't work! And also, just so you know, DONT put the jalapeno remains in the garbage disposal either!

Mmmmkkkkay. Well would you look at the time?! Guess we will have to talk about being a lesbian and diet sunkist another day!

Until then....

kisses!

Bang Bang Shoot Em Up

This week was C.R.A.Z.Y! I was requested to teach at a leadership conference for our organization on the topic of employee engagement. That's great, but there were a couple of problems:

1. I have never taught on employee engagement
2. They only gave me 2 weeks notice
3. I was brought in bc the original speaker, although a super sweet and smart guy, is as introverted as they come. Soooo...in other words. They needed me to be the sparkle.
4. I had to create the class from ground zero.

Even though you would never know it, I get incredibly nervous before teaching. So I was super stressed all week. But guess what...it went over perfectly. Lots of laughter, and hopefully some learning. Woooo!

Here I am at the conference with my coworker Deanna....

And my other coworker Loyd....

Yesterday I spent the day on and in the water! The oil hit Pensacola Beach early last week. You can still swim in the bays and sound though that make up the intercoastal waterways. Thursday night a group of us went out after work and stayed until sunset.

I believe you have already been introduced to Heather. This is Thursday night....

Yesterday I went to Defuniak Springs (think country...very country) about an hour away for a day of skiing and lounging. I will tell you I was NERVOUS! I know I skied at my parents boat, but this time I would be behind a bass boat...and I had people to impress! Well let me just tell you that I got right up and skied twice that day! It was amazing.

It did get me thinking though...the fat girl inside of me still whispers in my ear "You can't do this". For example, I was hesitant to jump off the boat and swim because there isnt a ladder to get back up. You have to pull yourself up on the side of the boat. Well, I did jump off. And then...put two hands on the side of the boat, fully expecting to look like an idiot and need to be lifting by helicopter onto the boat...

And guess what? I just lifted my own damn self! NO problem. I meant to take my camera, but left it in the car. I did however get it out later for this....

That's right. The liberal Yankee from Kansas got to shoot her very first gun. I was so damn excited. I wish I had one of those hot holsters like Mariska wears on Law and Order SVU.

Turns out I can't shoot as well as I thought I could in my brain.

Shitballs. And where did my ass go?

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Vlog: 4 days in the Making

This damn thing has taken me four day to upload! Enjoy my friends!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com