Friday, April 24, 2015

The Most Dumbest Facebook Article Ever

So, you know that frightening feature of Facebook that pulls your search history and website views from your computer or phone and then "recommends" things to you.  It "suggests things" that you might "like" Facebook tries to KNOW you?  For example, if you googled "the best vibrator on the cheap" (this is clearly just hypothetical), then the next time you are scrolling through your feed, you see this ad for a Brookstone "back massager"...and of a sudden you are like...THE UNIVERSE IS SPEAKING TO ME THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA?

Do you know what I am talking about or not?

Man.  I wish you could answer me.

But yesterday, there was a suggested article about 9 Reasons Couple's Should Workout.  I'm not even going to link the article, that's how bad it was.  Seriously.  I can't contribute to site hits for that webpage.  I am pretty sure that a 14 year old who was probably recruited off of Craig's List wrote it...or the author of 50 Shades of Grey ( was that bad)...but I wanted to share with you some of the highlights.  But I clicked on the link because I thought I was sure to find head-nodding content that spoke to the Heather-Amy relationship dynamic.


According to this extensively researched and scientifically validated article..

Reason #1.  Couples who workout are physically congruent.  Let me translate  Couples that workout together have the same body type.  Um.
 Oh.  Is that a picture of me?  Or is that a picture of Heather?  I know it's hard to tell because we have the same body type.

OKAY.  In retrospect, perhaps I am being a little hard on Reason #1.  I guess you could say that Heather and I look like we might both workout.  But this is there closing statement:
If one of you is fit and the other looks like a plate of overly warmed Camembert cheese, it says something about the latter's level of self-respect and level of regard for their partner. It matters.

Reason #2. Sex of course is better for couples' that workout.  

bhahaha.  Listen.  WHEN we have sex it IS amazing.  For reals.  Amazing.  Please note that I said WHEN.  sigh.  Please also note the hypothetical situation in my intro paragraph. In addition, Heather and I are complete opposites in many aspects.  The "how much do sex do you need to function normally" aspect, is one of those aspects.  I am much like a newly hatched butterfly emerging from your orgasm-less cocoon.  I have a...let's say...highly motivated sex drive.  Heather's sex drive is much like a bear.  That likes to hibernate.  For long long winters.  Like...Game of Throne type winters.  Sigh.  But when that bear does wake up...

Let's proceed.

#5 Food is no longer a source of contention for couples who work out together.

bahaha.  Meaning, you eat the same types of food.  Health.  Healthy food.  You don't argue.  You both enjoy surviving on water and seeds.

Negatory.  Negatory.

You know and I know that Heather cannot grasp my lust for all things delicious and full of high-fructose corn syrup.  You know and I know that even loving and living with someone who is very nutritionally sound, that's not enough.

#6.  Couples who work out don't argue about where they are going for vacation.

Well now they are just making shit up.  There proposed theory is because couples that workout together want to go to the beach.

#7.  Buying presents for each other is easier.

Perhaps this was a comedic article and I just didn't know it.  Those of you who know Heather and I on a personal level know that she is the pickiest person when it comes to receiving gifts, and as for GIVING gifts...her idea of romance and gift giving is paying the power bill.

I'm not kidding.

She told me the other day that "Clearly I love you and show it all the time.  I just paid the power bill yesterday! That. Is. Love".

This is also the girl who upon opening her Christmas present one year, after I had saved and planned and searched and plotted for the best bluetooth speaker that my money could afford, said "Oh.  I wanted Sperry's.  Can't you just give me money next time."


There were a couple could ones that they you spend more time together and get more done together.  I will agree.  And I do love working out with Heather...most of the time.  I mean...not ALL of the time.  Not when she is doing burpees or wants ME to do burpees.  And not when she makes fun of the crotch sweat on the bench that I leave when I stand up...although I repeatdly tell her it is a crotch KISS and when she sits down her crotch will kiss my crotch kiss and that's love.  BUT, most other times, I am thankful that I do have a partner that supports me and pushes me and gets up at 5:00 am with me to workout.

With that said...Happy Friday friends!  May your weekend bring you peace, love, sex, and just a little high fructose corn syrup.



  1. lol @ crotch kiss. I feel like you were reading satire and maybe didn't know it.

  2. It is obvious to anyone with eyes that you BOTH work out a lot. If I had to describe the differences between your figures, I'd say that you are more voluptuous (which urban dictionary defines as curvaceous and sexually attractive).

    I have had one relationship with someone who also had food and body image issues, and having that in common was actually miserable. He was always judging my food choices (and his own). I once had a bout of bulimia and dropped to 118 lbs. (I am 5'8"), and he thought I looked about perfect. I am much much happier with someone who enjoys food and eating.

  3. Oh for crying out loud. I swear those articles are written by monkeys. Malarkey.