Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Fat Days

We all have them. You may be having one of them right now. You know...those days when even though you are at your lowest weight since you were an infant, you feel fatter than ever. I had one of those yesterday. At one point I was seriously considering that my calves may have been full of fluids bc they looked so fat that unexplained swelling could be the only reason for their mutation.

I was 180 pounds and felt rolly and bloated. Yuck.

So I was explaining this to Heather and said, "Well maybe you don't ever have fat days since you weigh 119 pounds". Hmm...not such a good idea. She said that she is offended when people don't think she ever feels fat. So I had to have "the talk"...about how size is relative so for someone who used to weigh 327 pounds and still weighs 180, I could never imagine weighing 119 and feeling anything but tiny.

This led to the next topic. Weight Loss Surgery (cue scary and dramatic music). Of course Heather knew me before surgery and knows that I have had surgery. Remember, where I work surgery is a pretty common thing...but most choose gastric bypass. And Heather is, just so everyone is on the same page, my personal trainer and one of those people that have worked very hard to be fit their entire lives. Clearly, our very different in our thinking due to our own personal histories. She has always been supportive of my achievements and accomplishments, but I have always sensed that deep down, she is not such a fan of taking this route. So I asked her...

"Are you anti-surgery"?

Her answer...

"Well, nooooo. I am not ANTI surgery but..."

Before she could even finish I started in on the statistics we all know and love about how many people lose weight and keep it off. We had a very honest conversation about our opinions regarding all things weight loss.

For her, it is simple. You eat less. You exercise more.

For me, it is not so simple. For most of us, yes...that is the key isnt it? Eat less and exercise more. But we need help. And that is what I told her. What did I have to lose...except the weight? Look at where I am now! Healthier and happier (well, and possibly slightly crazier).

Her argument was that she feels that weight loss surgery doesnt address the real issue. I think that is valid. I told her though that for me at least, the band gave me time and clarity that allowed me to change the real issues.

And that has made all the difference.

Switching topics, tonight I get my first real massage. A whole hour! I have a gift certificate and I am pretty excited. However, I am totally wearing horrible underwear. They are like retro granny panties from Target that come half way up my back. Joey told me to go nakes...but we all know Joey's reputation for being a "painted lady" shall we say. Sigh.

I am then going to play frisbee golf after that. I mean REALLY? I don't like the heat (it's in the 90's today)....I don't like the outdoors (unless there is water)...and I cant hit the broad side of a barn.

This is going to be fabulous!

I will leave you with a couple of pictures. Tracey's daughter Kayla graduated high school last week and is getting married this weekend. Here we are after graduation.

Tracey has lost some weight with all his sadness and is now weighing in at 131.5.

Now I get to be really hateful. Because that is how I roll. This impending wedding I fear is going to be lacking...taste. In other words....full of tackiness! Do you know what the bouquet is made of? DO YOU KNOW? Black and red fake silk roses! BLACK SILK ROSES people! And I have to wear a freakin corsage of the same thing! I am sorry, I have nothing that goes with tacky....mmmmmmkkkay?



  1. "I'm not anti-surgery but..." really means "I'm anti-surgery" in my book. Word.

    Nice corsage - we need a photo of that. Word.

    I think there are too many instances of "word" in this comment. Word.

  2. I can't even summon up a WORD for black silk roses. Meet you in hell, Amsters! ;)

  3. she just graduated high school and is getting married? whoa.

    regarding the bouquets...have you ever seen that show on CMT "redneck wedding"? now i'm not saying anything, but i'm just saying :-) umm.... i hope i don't offend anyone!! hell my dad's FIFTH wife wore a RED LACE dress!!

    just like jillian michaels said...wls only helps the body, not the mind, that is 100% us....

  4. -Wow@Heather
    -Congrats@Kayla on graduating
    -Wow@Kayla for getting married right after HS ok to each its own
    -Wow&LOL@you Amy for saying you don't have anything that goes with tacky....you is crazy for reals.


  5. :-( face @Tracey for being so sad that he has lost weight. :-(

  6. I say go naked for the massage. Lots of people do it... trust me... I am a massage therapist :) The massage therapist will not for one second think you are weird, in fact he/she will probably like it because it's easier to work the muscles without clothes getting in the way!

  7. We def need a picture of that corsage. Maybe wear a black dress to the wedding!? (I mean it couldn't be any more tacky than black silk roses...)

    Those anti-surgery people get on my nerves...

  8. What's more embarrassing being a nudey or your big ol' undies? Is it the danglers? I'm going to assume by "painted lady" you mean an artist and not a whore (which I am both).

    I wouldn't be offended by Heather - unless she's been there, it's hard to relate.

    Tracey's daughter looks so much like him! Agreed about the flowers. You know I had fake flowers too, but that's comparing apples to oranges - mine had polka dots! :)

    have a great message chica!!!

  9. So, I just started with my trainer a few weeks ago and she is aware of my surgery. I really thought that we were on the same page, however, she feels that this is just a stepping stone and that once I reach goal I will take it out?! She feels that the amount that we consume is not enough to be healthy. I really like her as a trainer and will "keep her" b/c she really kicks my ass, but I can't talk nutrition with her, argh. I am going to do a post about this sometime this week.

    Tacky weddings can be fun for all the non-tacky people. So many interesting things and people for that matter surrounding you! I would like to see as many pictures as possible - b/c I like to believe I am classy and not at all tacky, which means I will enjoy the shit out of 'em!

    Word <3

  10. First of all, definitely go nakes in the massage. I always do, and I'm not even a painted lady! So much more comfy and totally consistent with spa protocol. Go for it!

    Second, I have a friend who is like your trainer. She annoys the sh*t out of me with her attitude about losing weight. Fact is, it's different for me than it is for her. She actually gets really p*ssed when people who I haven't told about the band compliment me. My impression is that she thinks it's dishonest. . like my 9 million workouts and good choices led to some ill-gotten gains b/c the band was involved. She can kiss my well-toned A! :D

    Tacky wedding. . yikes! Definitely want to see pics!


  11. I'm with Janelle- I'm a massage therapist too and can speak from experience- lose the granny panties. The massage therapist isn't going to look at you, they're busy assessing your muscles and trying to figure out how to help you best- not what you look like or what kind of undies you have on. Now...if the undies are loud and cause a scene...well, then you're drawing attention to those things now, aren't you? ;)

    Enjoy your massage!!!

  12. I have black silk roses in Liv's (slash guest) bathroom. They're in red, heart shaped long vases with those shiny black decor stones. Black & red are (were?) the league's colours.

    I'm down for a tacky wedding. I also believe in caustic irony, since I live in the state that the Mormons forced a 51.something percent vote to ban the gay marriages that had previously been ruled unconstitutional by the California courts and want our big gay bear friend to marry us. He's ordained, so it counts.

    And of course everyone feels fat. I haven't had a day in my entire life where I didn't associate myself with being fat, even when I'd starved myself down to well into the "normal" range for my height and body type. The more interesting question would be why we allow ourselves to feel that way.

  13. Boo to your trainer "friend" I'm already getting prepared for what I might get from a certain "friend" once I start loosing weight... Like Catherine I have a friend who isn't 100% behind me on my surgery and I gather from conversations that she feels I'm taking the "easy way out" Well if what I have had to deal with is easy GEEZ I wonder what hard is! As for Kayla's wedding bouquet... WORD Call that David Tutela guy from WE :)

  14. I bet I could find you something tacky in my closet to go with your corsage. Why don't you wear crocs with white socks. I love that look.

  15. I wear my panties when I get massages. That is just me. Maybe when I get to goal I will go nakies but in the meantime...

    Man, people certainly have their opinions on the subject don't they. I say whatever works for you is the best choice and the hell with whoever doesn't like it. Pffffft!!!

  16. Black fake roses must be reason # 5,456 not to get married while you are still a teenager. Unfortunately, the roses may be the least of her problems....

    I am with you, a tacky wedding is mighty hard to stomach. I agree with Heather, too - wear a black dress!

    As for the massage...Naked! Of course! How else are you going to get the ultimate butt cheek massage?

  17. Dump those undies girlfriend...nude all the way for massage. As for the tacky wedding, I have nothing to say but YIKES! Your presence alone will "class" up the joint.

  18. You need to watch a vampire movie. Obviously. Then wear whatever strikes you most. Perhaps a black silk? Or red silk?

    Also. I would def wear panties. But I would NOT be above buying some.

  19. you crack me up!! Amy are you going to be on ENGAGED AND UNDERAGED..that show was hilarious on MTV

  20. Completely agree with Gen. Naked and I would ask for the bum massage. Here's the deal. All of the muscles in your back and neck/shoulders begin in your bum. I honestly feel that if you have a massage and they don't massage your bum it only equals 1/2 a massage.

    Sorry that Tracey remains sad. I imagine that makes it that much harder for you to find clarity.

    Can't imagine a teenager getting married these days. UGH.

  21. Um and also - I would like to know what you are doing with those underwear. You are not a granny. You do not have a big ass. Go to Victoria Secrets. I hear they sell nice things there. Jenny will take you.

  22. I'm shocked that people still get married at 18. Of course I had my last child at 36, so I'm at the other end of the age spectrum. Good luck with that corsage.

    Oh, and definitely naked for the massage. If you feel self-conscious, just remind yourself that the masseuse has seen it ALL before and as long as you're not angling for a happy ending, it's all good.

  23. So can I ask this? What is your status with Tracey exactly? You're evidently not staying with him, but still attending his daughter's wedding?

    If this isn't appropriate, you can tell me to eff off. I'd understand. :-)

  24. It figures the weekend I decide to take a vacation you go on a posting frenzy. I know you are going through a tough time and I've been in your shoes so I know how painful it can be.

  25. OMG she is so young for marriage, but whatever floats your boat, right?

    However, black silk roses are a no-go. I don't care whose boat they float.


  26. Black silk roses could only call for Goth attire - I say you go totally Goth - Can u say black lipstick boys and girls?
    I'm still a fat girl and I go totally nakes for the massage - you're covered the whole time - but if you have panties up to your waist the masseuse won't be able to get to where they need to get to.

  27. Well that will be a wedding won't it. Tracey look s well as do you. I totally got what you were saying about the band giving us time to change the issues

  28. I just recently began to follow your blog. When I found it I read it from the beginning, straight through to now. It took me a couple hours.

    I know that I know nothing about yours and Tracey's relationship other than what you post here which I'm sure is minimal. It truly saddens me that you and Tracey are no more. It sounds like you are feeling like you originally 'settled' for him because you felt you couldn't do any better and are soaking up the attention from men that like your looks alone.

    While that's fine and dandy, and may truly be what is right for you, don't forget that Tracey loved you at your heaviest. He loved you for YOU. And if you gained all the weight back he would most likely STILL love you. He went through this journey with you, right by your side, cheering you on the whole way. There aren't many men out there like that, in all honesty. When you have one, hang on to him for dear life.

    But, again, if you feel that you just settled for him when you were fat, then by all means, move on with your life. I just hope you don't lead him on.

  29. Is tracey's daughter named Bella?!? Seems like a Twilight themed wedding to me. Eeek....have fun with that!!!

  30. Fake florals at a wedding?! EEEK! I feel a little sorry for you... :)

  31. Well... My new trainer's Mom had lapband surgery so he is very understanding and knowledgeable. I wish people wouldn't assume that it's the easy way out. It's not a magic wand. We still have to make good choices and eat right... don't we? and we have PBing, Sliming, and Fills to deal with... along with the risks of slippage...etc. Hardly the easy way out... But everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess. *Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at "Band" Camp"