Things That Make Me Want To Poop

So I have this eerie feeling that I have used that title for a blog post before.  Which, I suppose is wrong on some levels.

Regardless.

I registered for a 15k today.  Not like a $15,000 something or other, but a race.  Here in old Pensacola they have what is called the Double Bridge Run.  We have two big bridges that run from downtown Pensacola and end at Pensacola Beach...for a total of 9.3 miles.  People come from around the country to do this run.

A couple of reasons this brings on what some people like to refer to as "butterflies", and what I like to refer to as "shit cramps" (I am a lady).

First, there are like...REAL runners that will be doing this race.  You know the kind.  Real runner shoes, tiny little shorts, no shirts.

Second, there are thousands of people that do the race. 

Third.  I may die.  The last bridge you run over is short, but basically straight up to the sky.

I decided to sign up though because I am going to tell you a secret.

I hate running.

There.  I said it.  Now I will never be able to be a real runner.  Maybe if I subscribe to Runner's World or something I can earn some points back...

But it's hard to find the motivation to run.  So if I pay for a race, if I set a goal, I know I will do it.  Mainly because I dont want the slow people bus to come and pick me up.  Seriously, there is a bus that comes and picks up the slow people.  Mama ain't getting on that bus. 

It will be on February 2nd, so I have plenty of time to train.  I am actually confident that I can finish, but would like to do so in a good time and pace for my stubby little legs.  Heather is doing it as well, and I have recruited a few more people.  The Tough Mudder is in May, so this will be a good marker of progress.

Moving on to the next thing that makes me want to poop...

Well, I forgot what it was, but I have other things to share.

Did I tell you I blew up my car?  That one day, about 6 weeks ago, I was driving...doing about 40mph and then...nothing.  Car no workie anymore?  My coworker and a friend came and stood by me and protected me until the tow truck driver showed up.  Turns out...although the results aren't conclusive...the fact that I hadn't gotten an oil change in 18 months may have been bad for my vehicle.  The timing chain broke and bent some valvie thingies and thus my entire motor has to be replaced, and the car just aint worth that.  SO, now I am car shopping.  Which is exciting, minus the fact that I am poor.  I'll keep you posted.  Good thing is, Heather and I work together so carpooling is what we are doing.  Bad thing is, I like to drive Heather's truck to buy food and other things I can't live without from Target, like cardigans or toothbrushes....and Heather likes to yell at me for this.

Something big happened a few weeks ago.  I am a co-chair for the leadership development team for our hospital system.  We plan 3 yearly leadership conferences, where all the leaders...from our CEO to our managers attend...so about 450 people.  After years of wanting, I finally got the chance to emcee the event.  As most of you know, here are a couple of facts about Amy:

1.  I love being the center of attention
2.  I love making people laugh
3.  I love being awesome

And some of you may not know, because I don't talk about work a lot on the blog, that one of the things I get to do from time to time is speak on leadership.  Over the course of this past year I have been lucky enough to speak in Nashville, Orlando, and several places in between.

But this gig was going to be BIG.  BECAUSE, our hospital system is known around the nation for being one of the best, and we have our own speaker's bureau that travels around and consults and speaks.  And if I could be anything when I grow up, besides a mermaid or an owner of a farm where people can board there animals...I want to be a motivational/inspirational speaker.

So I was all sorts of nervous leading up to that Friday.  I wanted to make sure I didn't say anything too inappropriate, didnt get myself fired, and didnt bring shame to my facility.  But, I also wanted to make sure that when I was done that day...people would know who I am...AND...I was hoping that the people from the speaker's bureau would want me.

Let me tell you. 

It was the best I have ever been.  I was funny.  I relevant.  And I felt good.  My stories worked, people were laughing...

THEN...oh man it gets better. 

I was famous.  People were finding me throughout the day hugging me.  Thanking me.  Telling me how wonderful I was.

It was like Amy Heaven....except there wasn't any chocolate waterfalls.

But seriously, it was a good day for me and as soon as I stepped off the stage after my opening, the people I was wanting to offer me a job, approached me.  I am not sure where it will lead.  Hopefully I will get to stay doing what I do, but travel once in awhile and speak for different organizations.  Regardless, it was professionally one of the best days of my life and helped me believe in my specialness a little more...which I know...after pumping myself up just a second ago may not sound necessary...

but one of my weaknesses that most people don't see is selling myself short.

So that's about it dudes.

Hope all is well.

kisses...

Well That's Just Bull...

While some of our favorite lapband (and lapbandless) bloggers were laughing and drinking and dancing...and who knows WHAT else in the windy city this weekend, I decided to crawl though bullshit. 

Seriously.

And it was awesome.  This was the weekend of the Delta Dash over in Alabama.  About 14 of us, in all various shapes, sizes, and ages...loaded up and made it to Stockton.  We suited up in our shirts...slammed some caffeine...and posed for pictures.  We even made the Mobile Press Register.

 

I know...we look very intimidating.  People were scared when they saw us coming.  I pooped about 3 times out of nervousness.  Not knowing what was ahead was the scariest part. 

We lined up at the starting gate and I started yelling things about going for the cornucopia of weapons (you know...you got to get inside of people's heads).

Here is a quick recap of what the run consisted of. 3.7 miles of dashing (seriously...running up hill in the woods forever...that's what if felt like) sprinkled in with 14 obstacles. Our first obstacle was the monkey bars...

It was awesome.  Until I put my foot out to step off...and fell flat on my back.  Sweeeet.  Off I went. There were walls to climbs, creeks to run in...logs to carry and tires to flip. We had to crawl under barbed wire, in the blackest, stinkiest, "mud" ever.  I yelled at the guy in charge of that obstacle "IS THIS COW POOP"...he said "NO! It's BULLSHIT"...and for real.  I believe him.  He also told me to "keep my ass down" so it didnt get caught in the barbs...to which I replied "This is as down as it gets sir.  It has a life of it's own"!

 At some point I caught up with Heather and Filthy Phil.

It took me about 20-30 minutes to catch up with them.  The majority of the time I was running alone...the rest of our team was somewhere behind us.  Eventually Heather and I left Phil.  The last sprint to the finish line consisted of a run through a creek...of what I would estimate to be half a mile.  It was the end of me.  I wanted to lay face down and drink the muddy creek water.  Mama was spent.  But my girlfriend...now how sweet is this...who was running about 10 feet in front of me, open her hand and stretched it behind her...towards me.

She wanted to hold me hand. 

She wanted to finish together.  SO I mustered up the rest of what I had and grabbed her hand and we finished with an uphill run, jumped over some hay bales, and called it a race.

58 minutes and 30 seconds.

It was a blast. 

I am so proud of all of us.  "The other Heather" from Defuniak, also known as Sharika Jingles...she had never done any race of any kind...and after only a few weeks of running...finished strong. BoobSweat, real name Natalie (posing in the yellow shirt with Heather above), faceplanted the incline climb and had her hair dressser pull a splinter from her jaw several days later.

It was a challenge for sure.  It also illustrated that we better really start training for the Tough Mudder in May bc if 3.7 miles and some hillbilly obstacles whooped our asses...10-12 miles surely will do the job.

Hope all is well my friends!  Happy Thursday!

Dirty In All The Right Places

Enough bemoaning my weight.  Two things are coming up.  First...this weekend...we are going to be participating in our first "mud run".  Several of you have done a mud run.  They are popping up all over and we have signed up for one over in Alabama called the "Delta Dash".  It's a 3-4 mile course with 14 obstacles....through the woods or something.  Whatever.  I am down for it.  There is a posse of about 12 of us caravanning that way early Saturday morning.  Surely, if nothing else, it will provide you, me, and my facebook with some good pictures.

THE next race we have signed up for is the big one.  We have been talking about it for over a year and Heather actually paid and locked us in. It's the Tough Mudder in Jacksonville, Florida...May 18th, 2013.  I AM SO EXCITED.  For those of you who don't know what the Tough Mudder is, it really is the mother of all mudders.  It is 10-12 miles long, and meant to be ran/completed as a team.  You can help each other.  The obstacles are for real.  For example:

The Arctic Enema

 

The Boa Constrictor

Hanging Tough

Underwater

 

And there are many more...running through electric wires, crawling through holes...a half pipe that is oiled up, walls, ropes.

 

We had to buy insurance.  We had to sign a death waver.  It's badass and I wish it was tomorrow. 

 

Maybe I should see if I can get through this weekend first eh?

Did I Ever Tell You...

...about the time I was anorexic for a day? Not really an entire day...more like 4 hours or so.  I was in elementary school, probably 4thish grade.  I remember watching an after school special or something about a girl who had an eating disorder, and she did crunches and sit ups all night long and just ate saltine crackers for her meals.  So I packed a little baggy of saltine crackers and went to school with a plan. 

Fail.

I don't remember exactly what happened, but I probably ate those crackers, took myself and my dry mouth to the water fountain, and then dug out the twinkie from my backpack I had been hoarding. 

I don't understand how people don't eat.  I don't understand dieters!  I have apparently forgotten how to lose weight.  Seriously.

But not I havent forgotten EVERYTHING.

I seem to remember how to gain weight with ease my friends.  Somehow, in this last week, I have gained 8 pounds.  I mean...come on?  Do you know what I saw on the scale this morning.  189.8.

Shut your dirty mouth.  (said to the universe, not to you)

Listen dudes.  I don't exactly know what happened.  Perhaps with my period a few days off I am bloated with 20 or so extra pounds?  But whatever your freakout weight is, anything close to 190, which is close to a plane ticket out of Onederland...if MY freakout weight.

Un problemo es I feel like a deer in the headlights.  Like.  I am staring at the car coming to hit  me, and I can't move.

That's why I posted that little quote up there at the top.  It is so true my friends.  So true.  I workout a lot.  I run more than ever.  I strength train. 

I gain weight. 

And it's because I don't make good food choices.  I just do not do it any more.  And Lord knows I must have made good choices during my losing first year, and even in my second year...But as I creep closer to my 4 year banded mark...

Mama better check herself before she wreck herself.

You dig?

Do you know what I ate 2 of?  Not at once, but two days back to back?  This big guy right here...

Sweet mammajamma.  That is the BK original chicken sandwich...and I havent eaten one since before being banded...bc if you can't eat it with the bread...then what's the point.  I mean, it's a fabulous blend of imitation chicken and warm mayonnaise.   I mean I ate that sucker, bread and all.  DEEE-LISH-US.  Who could ask for more?

ME ME

I want more. 

But alas.

Freak out weight says no.

So I TRY to think to myself how I managed to do it before.  Besides having my band tighter...how did I do it?  Blogging, have set goals, wanting to be a rockstar, changing sizes, getting into weight territory I hadn't seen...EVER....those were some of my motivators.

But the "how".  I know I drank water for realz.  I had my special bottle and made a game of it.  I know that on a regular basis I made more positive choices than bad negative choices.  But I just don't know.  Maybe because is was new and fun?  And now, nearly 4 years later, it's just life?

And let us be honest.

Healthy food sometimes tastes like ass.

Not like I have ever tasted ass...

Well there was that one time in college...

Just kidding...

It was WAY after college...

So yes yes YES I know what I need to do I guess.  Blah.  And today is Monday...and everyone knows Monday is the official start day of every "new way of life"...So today I am consuming water.  I am having a protein shake for breakfast every morning.  Bringing my lunch every day.  Healthy homemade meals for dinner, and trying to make the best choices in between. 

Happy Monday you little tasty critters!

Lesbians And Synchronized Uteruses

Do you remember when I first started living with Heather and I wrote some deeply insightful post about being a new lady lover and all the things people who are NOT lady lovers might not think about?  I am pretty sure there was a post like that, but if you do not recall it....I talked about how when you are dating a man...you never have to worry about starting your period and going to get a tampon, only to find that your man lover has used your last tampon and left the box empty.

Like Heather does.

Bless her heart.

And I suppose that this is not only a problem in lesbian households, but a problem some of you ladies may experience if you share your home with other girls/ladies who are "of age".

But here is another problem. 

You know how ladies and their cycles usually sync up if they live or work together?  Okay fine.  I can handle that...BUT...this is what is happening in our house these days.  About 2 day into her period, Heather gets...

let's see....how shall I phrase this...

bitchy.

Not necessarily with me, but she refuses to get off the couch, orders me around, talks angry talk at the people on tv (hmmm...this isn't sounding much different than a normal Monday night)...but she is MOODY and less accommodating to my emotional clingliness needs.  And as a sweet understanding girlfriend, I should be kinder to her during this time of emotional distress.

Unfortunately, when Heather is about 2 days into her period and thus...bitchy...I am about 2 days from starting mine...and 2 days from starting my period I am UBER needy.   I want to cuddle on the couch, I need to have my hair petted, I need a lot of positive affirmation (hmmm...this isnt sounding much different than a normal Monday night).

My point is.  When I need to be babied and Heather needs to be grumpy...THAT CAN'T HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME.

Have mercy.

Not to worry though.  I snuck into the bathroom this morning, stole the two remaining regular strength tampons and left her with one "light day" day tampon.

HA!  Who is the winner now?

Numbers Are Stupid...Unless They Are In Your Favor

The organization that both Heather and I work for have decided to adopt a "healthy lives" initiative.  If you carry our insurance, you can sign up for the program and you will NOT have to pay an extra $90 per month on your insurance (double that if your spouse in on your plan).   You have to go through a health screening of course, where they take your blood, check your cholesterol, blood pressure, etc...and of course....YOUR BMI.

If you have good levels you earn points. You can earn 350 points a year and redeem them for $350 dollars. 

Good blood pressure? 25 points
Non-smoker? 50 points
Working out/logging your exercise?  points
"Normal" BMI?  100 points

(we will return to that in a second).

Now my girlfriend of course will earn all her points right off the bat.  In fact, she went around looking like this:

And saying this: "That's right bitches.  Cha-ching.  It's about time this paid off"...for about 3 days.

Unlike me...who for three days before my screening walked around like this:

Saying: "Are you f%$king kidding me?!  BMI?  That's bullshit.  I am a weight lifter!  I am a body builder!  I can out run and outlift any of those skinny bitches in walking around here.  Put us on a treadmill!  Take me and have my body mass/bodyfat/muscle analzyed....I dare you!!!!"

Oh it was good.  In fact, those of you on my facebook probably saw me ranting about BMI.  I was fit to be tied.  I was hot. 

So I went into my screening and was all ready to tell my little health screener a thing or two about BMI and how far I have come.  I am 5'4".  The "normal" range for my BMI would be 110-140 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!  Say whaaat?  I mean, this is no news to me...but if you are linking my health to money...well game on.

So they took my blood.  They took my weight.  They measured my waist.

My precious little screener said "Your BMI is 31.9 and..."

I interrupted with "I KNOW.  I'm OBESE".

She said, "well, it doesn't matter, because your waist is 33"...which means according to this chart you are ATHLETIC and therefore exempt from BMI and don't need to lose any weight".

Excuse me?  Please repeat.

ATHLETIC she said again..

Oh...you can only imagine.  I think I may have blacked out from head swell.  I strode on out of that little booth and walked to find my girlfriend.

She was waiting for me.  She had discovered earlier that this was a possibility.

I said...Well I have no idea.  But I kept repeating saying things like: How's the weather.  I'm athletic.  I answered my work phone:  Athletic speaking, how may I help you?

I was unbearable.

I did realize though how funny it was that I was so set on how a number can't determine your health or fitness...

until a number worked out in my favor!

bahahahah...such is life.

But just for the record...

The BMI scale is still stupid.

Keep your chin up ladies!  It's Monday, there is a Hurricane headed my way, and I am feeling athletic.  All is right with the world.

kisses.

One of The Best Commercials In...Forever

I love this video.  It aired during the Olympics and yes...I was premenstrual...but I played it back for Heather...who was outside picking up dog poop (not with her bare hands...we have a scoop).  And I have SO been wanting to share it with you for weeks now, but because my blogger was broke (okay, that's a lie...I'm just lazy), I didnt get a chance to post in until today.

Many of you are like me.  Running was something that as a young adult, a "tween" if you will, was a holy grail of fitness.  It was an idea in my head like "one day I will be a runner", or "one day I will be one of those girls who puts on her running shoes and goes for a jog"...

It never happened.  There are always high school movies about the girl who undergoes a transformation, starts jogging the track at school, gets fit, wins the crown and the quarterback....

It never happened for me.

Okay, I won the crown during Winter Royalty...but that's beyond the point.  I wasn't running anywhere...except to the border (Taco Bell)...and by running I mean driving my 1984 Oldsmobile Ferenza.

But what is fantastic about this video is that it inspires me.  And while I do run now (really it's more of jogging...I don't know when it officially becomes running), I still feel at time like a wounded seal running.  And most of the time, whilst actual in the act of propelling myself forward, I hate it.   It's tough.  It's MUCH easier than January 1st of this year.  I am MUCH better...but I am still not the girl who says "I think I will go for a run to clear my mind"...UNLESS, by clearing ones mind you mean you don't think of anything else because all of your brainpower is consumed with thinking how stupid running is...then yes...possibly.

But I feel good when I am finished.  And I feel good when I know that my body can do things that I have waited a very long time for it to do.  Does Heather finish a 5k on the treadmill about 6 minutes faster than me?  Yes.  Does she have my ass (fabulous though it is) to carry.  NO. So there.  She should be faster.  She is a little thing.

But really, this isn't about running.  It's about starting somewhere. Your starting point, my starting point, David Beckham's starting point (he really doesn't fit in here, but he is beautiful so I mentioned him because it makes me feel warm in all the right spots), may be different.  But you have to start. And then...you have to NOT quit.

That's the tough part sometimes.  But it can be done.

I promise.