Tuesday, January 3, 2023

On Your Deathbed, Will You Ask: Can you weigh me one more time?

I've been giving lots of thought over the last several months, to the idea of the number on the scale.  This shouldn't come as a shock, as it seems that most women are obsessed with daily thoughts and comments regarding their weight.  I suppose there are cultures somewhere, where a group of women can get together and NOT say something like "I've gained 7 pounds but just LOOKING at that antelope", or "me too girl, I weigh more than ever"...

But it's not our culture.  It's not my circle of friends. 

And I guess it should not come as a surprise...because didn't this blog start as a weight loss journey blog?  Didn't I used to have that little ticker we all had on our blogs counting down the pounds until I entered ONEderland?

Of course I did.  And that was my journey at the time.  And it helped me reach my goals. But like the old adage, know better, do better...I need to start doing better. 

I have grown weary of it.  And you know how when you start to pay attention to certain things that you start to notice that certain thing EVERYWHERE?  Like when you do dry January and realize that every country song is either singing about whiskey, beer, or shots? It's honestly hard for me to remember the last time my group of ladies have gotten together and the idea of weight loss was not a topic for discussion.  So when the clock struck midnight this 2023, I decided my new year's resolution was to STOP... 

...stop talking about how I need to LOSE WEIGHT. To stop talking to other women about THEIR weight. I didn't weigh myself on January 1st. I don't intend to weigh myself this year.  

Here are my reservations and thoughts all in a jumbled mess:

I don't want to sound preachy.  I've been on this Earth for 43.5 rotations around the sun, and for probably 38 of those years, weight has been a fickle foe that has held my hand every day.  Although I have been blessed with the ability to usually be proud of myself at almost all my sizes, and I have embraced the mentality of "big girls can do all the things", the idea of this number on a scale still has a permanent place holder in my brain.  So, I don't want anyone to think that because this is MY GOAL for the year (and hopefully my life), that if y'all want to keep on talking numbers...that I think I'm better than you.  I don't.  I think I am just trying to be better for me.

Do I secretly (not so secretly hope) that if I can find freedom and ease in releasing the power of my  weight, that other's will also find that freedom, ease, and hopefully a lightening (no pun intended) of the figurative weight we have been carrying since little girlhood as well?  Of course I hope that.    

Also, do not confuse my desire for people to stop talking about their weight as a desire to not

a) myself strive to be healthier and fitter and 

b) want to support you in your fitness and health journeys

I just don't care about how much you weigh.  I don't.  And I don't care about how much I weigh.  

I DO care that my current weight or "size increasement" if you will, has started to affect how I feel when I move, how I feel about myself in pictures, how I feel about my choices, and how I currently feel about my health.  All of those things are important (maybe the picture one the least so).  But it honestly does not have to do with the fact that the number on the scale is probably 260.  

2 6 0  

Those are just numbers.  So I am going to make some better choices this year and refocus on FEELING BETTER.  On doing BETTER.  On being BETTER.  And I will use a multitude of "measurements" to gauge my success in those efforts.  None of which will be me telling you "I've lost x number of pounds this week".

It's a lot to process for me.  I think that how much we weigh is SO INGRAINED in us, that at first it seems ridiculous that one would remove that from their vocabulary.  It's so ingrained that it's almost scary to think of how you will operate on a daily basis without that being one of your central focuses. I get it. It's hard for me and I am the one wanting to make a change. 

But I'm gonna stick with it.

So I ask you.  Is the you at 176 pounds a better person than the you at 200 pounds?  Is the you at 135 a better human being than the you at 165?  I'm talking about you kindness. Your love.  Your generosity.  Your humor.  Your compassion.  If you lose 4 pounds are you more of a winner?  Is the number on the scale what makes you worthy?   

And when you are dying, with just a few breaths left on this side of life, will you whisper to those around you..."can you weigh me just one more time?  Because I really want to know what my weight is before I die".  

And if the answer is no...then why spend so many of our breaths on it now?


  1. This is it. The big breakthrough. Somehow separating ourselves, our value, our existence from "the weight". I was banded in 2010 and your blog was one of many that helped me through my initial journey. I hope you find your peace with "the weight". For me, being at my heaviest helped me make peace with the never ending struggle to lose just a bit more. Thank you for sharing. It was nice to see your blog post pop up in my feed.

  2. So good to “see” you, after too long. Like the other poster, I too followed you in the early days of being banded. Wishing you peace with yourself! Come back to writing!

  3. First, SOOOO excited to see a new blog entry! I frequently stop by to see if you’ve posted anything new and was so happy to see you had! Next, I am in EXACTLY the same fight you are and this is the year I’m hopeful I can change it all. Like I tell my wife, I don’t care about my size or number, I just want to lessen some of my back pain and have a better quality of life. Here’s hoping we can exchange posts and comments here and root each other on! Happy New Year!