Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Holiday That Everclear Almost Ended Me

Shall we start with some comparison pictures from Memorial Weekend 2009, which would have put me 4 months post op and at least 50-60 pounds this Memorial Weekend...weighing in at 182.




I would post some comparison shots of me skiing....but wait...there are none from 2009.  I tried to get up.  I couldn't.  That's when I made it my goal that by Memorial Weekend 2010, I would ski.  Being able to water ski again is one of my biggest non-scale victories to date.  Despite that fact that I actually love the act of skiing, I love that my body is at a place now that I CAN ski.  It's nice to know that I am getting better with age. With that said, skiing stills WHOOPS MY ASS!  It was amazing how quickly my damn forearms started to give out!  I mean...I LIFT WEIGHTS!  I should be able to endure a couple of trips around a cove!  Even Heather, who prefers to ski on 2 skis, said her quads were immediately on fire.  Funny.

Now let's get to the real funny of the weekend.  So up to Scottsboro, AL we go.  In the full body shot of me skiing above, you can see my parents houseboat in the background.  This is where they live.  My sister came with us and we met my brother and niece (both from Nashville...which is about 2 hours away).  So it was a weekend of family fun!  My sister, not really a drinker, requested that we make her a Voodoo.  Which is some version of a drink she had in New Orleans once, that according to her, contains grape juice and Everclear.  So on Saturday, around 3...we mixed up a batch in the blender.  Granted, I used about half a bottle of Everclear....but shush gurl.  That's not the point.  Anywhoozle, we split the blender pitcher amongst 5 adults.  Myself, Heather, Kaity, Tracy, Dean.  5 ADULTS I SAY!
In about 15 minutes I was drunk.  Al (my dad) was nervous bc several of us were doing spectacular water jumping from the top of the boat:

And backdives.  Please do not zoom in.  I believe you can actually see my thigh fat in motion.
And so it went.  We were all happy.  Heather and my sister were floating on the island.  The best $130 spent at Sam's Club ever...I mean...we Workmans are big folk and it could hold all of us and stay afloat.
So all was well. Here I am...probably around 4:55pm. Happy. Posing.
And then here I am. Probably around 4:56pm. And the Everclear had taken it's grip.

It went quickly downhill from there.  Marge (mother) set out a tacobar, and rumor has it I made myself a taco and ate some of it.  I then felt like I was going to throw up, so I told everyone I was going to the bathroom, but really I went to the  back of the boat.  Heather found me.  My mother took this picture.  WHAT KIND OF MOTHER TAKES A PICTURE OF HER DAUGHTER PUKING? Mine! 
After that, I did actually go the bathroom and stood over the sink dry heaving for at least 20 minutes. I kept asking for Heather, but she had gone on the small boat with my brother (bc we were taking both boats back to the dock).  This upset me even more, because I swear...I was pretty sure I was dying of alcohol poisoning.  Kaity, my wonderful niece was trying to take care of me as I was sobbing and requesting the hospital.  My mom came and made me stand in the shower, which I did...holding myself up and wailing and sobbing that I was dying.  Once Heather got back, she was very patient as I kept repeating things like "WHYYYYYY?  WHYYY did you leave me" And "WHYYYYYY?  WHYYYYY is no one else sick".  She eventually got me undressed and in bed.  So by 6pm on Saturday night, Mr. Sandman Everclear took me to night night land.

Around 1:30am I woke up.  I felt normal.  I ate some icecream bc the back of my throat was raw.  No hangover on Sunday, thank God.  I may never drink again.  Seriously.  It was terrible.  Band seemed fine...which I was surprised due to the fact that I was dry heaving for at least an hour.  Woooo....of course the next day the entire dock full of my parents boat friends knew of the episode, so I had to endure lots of jokes. 

It's the price we pay I suppose.

I will leave you with a few other pictures from the weekend.

My sister.  Clearly enjoying her Voodoo!
 Heather and Dean.  So proud of themselves for pulling the giant island on top of the boat.  I was puking off the side of the boat by this point...about 5 feet away.  No one pays attention to me.
 Al and Dean.
 The Beautiful Heather Gainey.  Enjoying a beer and a damn VooDoo.
 My niece Kaity.  I love this picture.  She looks very happy.
 Driving the little boat out to swim.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Another Edition of: Me Neither

Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle of masturbating?  Me Neither. *

Have you ever grabbed the towel bar while you are weighing yourself, to ever so briefly see a fictional, although happy number much lighter than your true weight?  Me Neither.

While playing the "grab the towel bar to see my 'moon weight' game", have you ever accidentally pulled the towel bar out of the wall, only to then have to spend $25 at Lowes to fix the problem?  Me Neither.

*let us just say that in fact this did happen, in my defense, it was early in the morning and I woke up and decided...why not...and then half way through...I must have fallen asleep on myself...sigh.  At least my hand was still in the same place.**

**I hope my dad isnt reading this one...but just in case...HI AL!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Just North Of The Mexican Border

Last year around this time, Karin and I ventured to San Fransisco to participate on an advisory panel for Allergan.  Allergan is the making of such wonderful things as boobies, eye lash growing medicine, and my favorite (although the boobies would be nice too) my LAP-BAND.  Johnson & Johnson makes the Realize band...and for any potential bandsters out there, it is important to research the difference between the two, and then speak to your doctor.  OF COURSE I favor the lapband.  So far so good for me.

But I digress.  The advisory panel meets with the marketing peeps pertaining to lapband and we discuss a broad range of topics.  It really is a wonderful opportunity to discuss and learn. It's also nice to think that this huge organization cares enough about those of us in social media (as it pertains to WLS) and believes they can learn from us as well.   Last year we met for several days, but this year, it was a quick 24 hour meet up in Austin, TX. 

Which provided for just enough time to meet two other bandsters from Austin.  Amy Facebooked me and asked if we could meet for drinks.  DUH!  So after dinner she and her bestie Hannah found Karin and myself at our hotel.  They are both banded...and Hannah is carrying a little sumpin in her belly...another human being!

I want to talk a little bit about Amy's story.  First, let me preface this paragraph with the statement that I love these two and wish I had more time with them.  Amy (next to me in the grey and I must say I just  LOVE her name), will be banded 2 years come July.  She has had two slips.  She initially lost about 30 pounds and has gained around 10 back.  She can totally correct me if I get any of this information wrong, but she owns up to the fact that the slips and lack of weight loss are partially her fault (although I would like to have a stern toned conversation with her Dr. bc he said her band is placed a little funky which makes it more prone to slipping).  But here's the kicker.  Amy could have easily given up on her band. But she hasn't.  And I am going to tell you a little something else, I feel like she is going to end up rocking that son-of-a-bitch...for no other reason than she reminds me of...ME.  You know...cute.  Stylish...Funny.

Anywhoozle, I hate that she hasn't been able to feel or see any of the victories that comes with the band.  I can't wait until she starts to reap the benefits of this surgery.  Her spirit and her sass should see her through though.  Let me tell you, I may have given up.  But she hasnt.  So good for her.  And she has Hannah to motivate her as well.  If she acts quickly enough while Hannah continues to grow the mini-human, she may even be smaller than her!  Pregnant people.  Bless their heart.  I will continue this discussion in another post when I talk about why the band works right off for some and for some it doesn't....but for now...more pictures.
Karin and I are pictured below.  In her bedroom.  On the bed.  Fully clothed.  But looking joyful.

Here is the group of us getting ready to leave Austin.  That's a lot of success below. 

Finally me and Alex.  Alex is the founder of, 9 years postop and a great guy. 

OH!  I had a brief moment of panic on the airplane when I went to put on my seatbelt and the mother didnt fit!  It wouldnt reach!  Seriously, if someone had been filming would have looked like this:

Amy enters plane. Looks cute.  Smiles and waves!  She takes her seat, still smiling and waving occasionally.  She reaches for seatbelt to "make it click".  It wont reach.  All smiles and waves have ceased. Amy goes ashen.  Looks around in a panic. 

Then she figures out that the seatbelt is actually wrapped around the arm rest several times.

Woo.  That was CLOSE!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Blew The Ass Out Of My Pants Today

Watch how I am about to put a positive spin on this:

Do you all remember when I started Operation Booty Pop about 6-8 months ago?  Well, today...what do you call it after a mission is successful?  Anywhooz, I think today we can say that the "operation" has been completed.

I blew the ass out of the slacks I was wearing.

Granted, in a darker time...known as "before the band", I blew my crotch out of a pair of slacks once bc thigh friction had weedled the threads into something so fine they could have came straight out of a spiders butt...

But today's slacks were about 3 years old.  I wear them at least twice a week, and wash them just as much.  AND YES, since the creatine, and the few extra pounds I have been holding (not due to the creatine), but thighs and asstackular region have been a little more snug in my pants.  I am telling's tricky adding more muscle bulk when you arent taking away any fat bulk...

I went to bend down this morning to fix some av problems in our conference room...and I heard the tell-tell sound of a few stitches popping.  Not to worry though, I reached back and felt and while I could identify a little seam spreading in the anus region, they hadnt completely split. 

But then at lunch I went to get out of my car and blew those mothers wide open.  THANKFULLY I had a bag of clothes for the goodwill in my trunk, and I tied a sweater around my waist like it was 1994 and that shit was stylish again.  I made it home and changed into my one remaining pair of black slacks and back to work I go.

I'm not gonna lie.  I am a beast these days in the gym.  While mama still hates Cardio (I took a week off last week from running...sigh), we are going to the gym on the weekends (not our work gym where we normally work out), and this allows me to get to work with barbells and weights and do different exercises than I can do in our normal gym.  The only draw back muscles are so sore come Monday or Tuesday...that I barely want to think about doing anything like running.

So there you have it.  As soon as my pants split I thought about you guys!  Is that love or what?