Sunday, February 28, 2010
Today I am thankful for being smaller, healthier, and happier than ever before.
I am thankful for being able to shop in more stores every day. And if I still don't fit into their clothes, I am thankful that I know I will one day very soon.
Now, with all that said...I made my band very cranky yesterday. We went to lunch at Red Robin...we eat there all the time! It was late though (about 2pm) and I hadn't eaten all day. I ate one french fry and maybe 2 bites of chicken tortilla soup. And that was the beginning of a very bad food day.
I was stuck. I went to the bathroom. Two stalls and a line! So I finally get in and stand there in the stall for about 10 minutes. I don't want to throw up bc it will be loud...and there is still a line. I am sweating. My face is on fire. Finally I come out, still stuck. I had to come out though bc the chicks in line were getting cranky with me! So I just got BACK in line and told them I didnt feel to good and had to hang out for awhile. Finally, I went into the handicap stall and threw up some slime. I emerge from the bathroom after almost 15 minutes. Tracey was getting ready to send the waitress in after me. I was mortified. It was the only time that I have felt like crying after getting stuck. I was embarrassed. So Tracey finished my soup and we left. In the car I pulled out my trusty stash of plastic bags and finally threw up.
So when I got home, I decided I would have a frozen waffle. Which doesn't go down on a good day! I ate it. And it was good. But it came up right after the last bite.
SO, I didnt eat any dinner and by 6 that night I was still operating on an empty tummy. I convinced Tracey to take me for ice cream. Guess what...the ice cream came up! I knew Tina was UBER irritated...so I gave up.
This morning...a few bites of bacon. Almost threw up on the dishes in the sink.
So I am just taking it easy now :)
But I am still Thankful!!!
And we went to the beach today! It was still a little chilly though, so we didnt last much longer than an hour!
Friday, February 26, 2010
I love casual Friday's and I love my girls. I don't know what size jeans these are from the Gap bc the tag is mysteriously missing...lol...so I will pretend that they are 16's. Although they are a wee bit big in the croch area, so they 18's...but Mary didnt know either...so pretend I shall!
You know the post I made on Monday...about obsession? And then I made another post about my weight loss. Some of your comments really hit home. Two that come to mind are from Bonnie and Julia...where in very kind words they told me I was stupid. Okay...they did not say I was stupid, but basically they told me that they couldn't understand what I was down or upset about. That I had lost 120 plus pounds, in a year. I was healthier, happier, thinner...yet I was upset about that?
Thank you for that. You guys are right. It is just very easy to get lost in the hurry of this game. Every day this week when I look at the DAMN scale and it still reads 206 and I stomp to the shower in a huff, I have thought of your words. I need to appreciate where I am.
The funny thing is...you could go back a year in this blog and find some post that talks about my lowest weight (209) and how I didnt appreciate being a size 16 when I touched that size for about 1 minute a decade ago. When I was a size 28 looking at the picture of me as a size 16...I remember thinking "DAMN AMY! You looked good and you didnt even know it. When I get to a 16 this time, I will remember how good I look."
But I got to a size 16, and while I have moments where I know I look good...I spend most of my time waiting to leave the 16's. When spend so much of our life looking for bigger and better, but when it comes to weight loss we keep striving for smaller and better! Crazy.
Angie and I were chatting the other day and she said that on days when she is making good choices and losing, she feels like she is actively dieting. I have been thinking about this (bc I totally agree with her). Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. Is that the way it is for thin people? I mean, with the exception of people who can eat whatever and not gain weight...won't every day for us be a day of actively choosing our food and exercise? Just a thought.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Do not let the sun deceive you...it was chilly. Mary has skinny girl temperature control syndrome now, and actually have goosebumps. We had a great time. It is a good think Mary and Bandita were there though bc Lacey and I may have eaten a key lime pie together if left unsupervised!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Here is the link.
Thank you so much for posting Jennifer! This leads to wonderful discussion!
The show is about an hour long...so you may not make it all the way through...but if you have the time...GO FOR IT!
My comments and thoughts are on Jen's blog. I will have to say the person I have a problem with is Marianne Kirby. She is the "leader" of the fat acceptance movement. What a horrible, horrible person to be a leader of anything. She can not answer a question. She claims to eat healthy and exercise. She claims to be comfortable in her own skin but watch as she tugs her clothes and fidgets with her hair and face. All classic nonverbal adaptors that point to how UNcomfortable she is in her skin. And the fact that when she speaks she is breathless...you know what? At 327 and as a public speaker...I used to be breathless. One of the most embarrassing things that happened to me was after I gave a lecture on nonverbal behavior was when someone wrote in the comments section of my eval that the fact that I was breathless was very distracting.
As you all know, I think you can and should love yourself at any size. You should live the best life you can. Do what you want regardless of whether you are 300 pounds or 120 pounds. Wear a swimsuit. Sing. Dance. Make sexy time. But I never pretended at 327 pounds that I was HEALTHY! True...I didn't have any comorbidities...but they were coming!
Now, MeME is a nutjob and spins statistics to fit her argument.
I love Crystal and want to be her BFF.
I can't wait to hear more comments from you guys!
Monday, February 22, 2010
You see....I TOLD YOU I HAVE A PROBLEM (see previous post).
This morning was the end of my week long Amy IS Going to Lose 4 pounds challenge. Well I lost alright! I lost the damn challenge. I lost 3.5 pounds, bringing me to a new low of 205.5. And I would be happy about that but it was one of those mornings when you step on and it reads 205.5 and then it reads 206.5...then 205.5...you get the picture. Mommy will be happier when it doesn't jump to 206.
I really think I have a mild case of post traumatic stress syndrome when it comes to that 206 number. I was stuck at it for several weeks.
Let us talk about something else shall we? Let's talk about numbers in and numbers out. Calories in, calories out. When I lost 75 pounds a decade ago, I did it with simple math. I knew what I could eat to maintain my weight. I knew a pound of fat is 3500 calories. So I made sure I burned a certain amount and ate a certain amount. I could really predict and know what my weight loss for the week was going to be. It worked.
This does not work banded. And I want someone to tell me why. Like a body scientist or something. Maybe Oprah knows. MAN if she would only call me back!
If I eat around 1200 calories a day, and work out 3 times a week. I should lose. You should lose. We all should lose when we are being good and making the right choices. We shouldnt have to "up" our calories.
Do you think that our blogs feed our obsession?
But I guess that leads to another question. Are we obsessed with our weight?
Here is the definition of obsession:
Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
And I will just speak for little old Amy. But yes, I would have to say by that definition...I am obsessed with my weight. If I stop and really think about it, I am not sure an hour goes by that I don't think of my weight or size. Everytime I go to the bathroom or see my reflection in the mirror...I think about it. Every time I eat. Every time I drink. Everytime I blog or read a blog. I am thinking about my weight. Did I do this BEFORE surgery? Not as much. One of the reasons I skyrocketed to 327 was because I had trained myself to be absent in the mind when I was stuffing my face. I was obsessed with food, but not always my weight.
So here is another question. Can you have WLS and be successful at it WITHOUT thinking about your weight all the time?
My initial response is no. You cannot be successful without being obsessed. You have to work this band. You have to always be aware of what you are eating, what you are doing, what you are drinking. Thoughts?
This leads me back to the original question....do our blogs feed are obsession? Are they healthy?
This really all stems from the wonderful Miss Angie. About a month ago she took a wee little break from blogging to get her mind right. Blogging and the pressure was all a little much at the time (I did ask Angie if I could speak about this). And that was honestly the first time I thought about blogging as an "alternative world". We are all so focused on the same thing that to each other...we are normal. Well, I am not NORMAL, but you know what I mean. It doesnt seem odd to us that we can fill up a year of blog space just talking about the lapband and the lifes that are attached to it.
What I do know is that I would not have lost as much weight as I have without this blog and without you guys. I have said it before, but this blog has really grown into an ENORMOUS support system and by being honest with you guys and this blog...I am held accountable. And I don't intend on stopping.
But do you think that is why some bloggers do stop? They have given up?
Just thoughts I needed to get out my head and wanted to hear what others thought!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Whether or not any of that is true...you will never know...
BC THE DAMN THING WILL NOT UPLOAD!
Makes mama cranky. In the vlog I thanked and responded to the Beautiful Blogger nominations going around. I said thank you to Miss Tori, Colls, Camille, Catherine, Angie, Southern Belle, Jennifer....and all of you that nominated me! Thank you so much!
I also shared a little secret with you guys...that I secretly don't like blog quizzes or questionnaires. I don't know! They make me break out in a rash. Also, I can't nominate just 7 people bc I love so many of you! I did give a special shout out to Joey and Jennifer for my wonderful Oprah gifts! I honestly swear that I am thankful for each of you that nominated me! Also....do you know how hard it would have been for me to think of seven different things you dont ALREADY know about me? So in the vlog I did a show 'n' tell with some of my favorite things! Again...you can't see them bc they are in the vlog.
OY! When I get some alone time this weekend I will try to shoot another one. Don't you hate it when that happens? Doing good on my Amy 4 pounder weight loss challenge week....I will let you know on Monday how goes it!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
If you want more info, their website is here.
And do you know what they told me? Your cholesterol should below 200 and mine was 216! WHAT? I don't hardly ever eat fried food! I don't eat eggs. I eat pretty healthy (okay, minus this weekend but she said that wouldn't matter). I was just suprised! I blame genetics.
I also decided last night that I was going to lose 4 pounds this week and see 205 on the scale. Just wanted to let you guys know that was my plan.
I finished reading Julia Child's My Life in France. I really love Meryl Streeps portrayl of her in Julie Julia...and wanted to read more about her story. It was pretty good. Most of the food she cooked sounds beyond gross to my very uncultured midwest palate...but she seemed like a very quirky unconvential woman.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Our drinks. Me...a Flirtini. Tracey...a Blue Moon.
What's nice about this picture is that I am wearing other people's clothes. Lacey gave me the jacket, Gen gave me the jeans, and Angie gave me the underwear. (kidding...but I know she would if I asked).
Lastly I will leave you with a comparison shot from last Vday!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
*The scene...Amy standing on a balcony like Madonna in Evita...arms open...love pouring out in song* (Rule #1 of blogging, always be dramatic and give visuals)
I haven't blogged in days (Rule #2 of blogging...no need to state the obvious).
I have been eating all sort of willie nillie. I blame each and everyone one of you...and take no responsibility for shoveling sugar into my pie hole (Rule #3 of blogging...make false claims to get the masses riled up). The problem is, my one day of eating bad to teach Mr. Scale a lesson has turned into several. Alas...I am bored with it. Good news though. No regular fully loaded Sunkist. And we have been working out. So I am still maintaining my 2.5 pound gain.
This weekend for we are dressing up with fancy little hair-do's and fine threads and going to Hemingways and spending money on high priced food. I am looking forward to it! It is also Mardi Gras weekend so we will probably hit a parade or two...scream like idiots for plastic beads...and then go home and say "What the hell am I going to do with all these beads and why do they stink?"
I met Mary for a quick little lunch yesterday and she handed me some clothes! I am wearing a dress from Mary...that actually came from Catherine! It's a good thing bc the pants Nicole sent me are at the tailors!
A couple of things about this picture. Do you see the whiteness of my arm? I am like day-glo. But you probably didnt see my arm bc you were too busy staring at my Tyra Banks forehead...or as she calls it...a fivehead. It looks huge. Probably because I am going bald again.
Speaking of hair loss...I went to the support group meeting the other night. Still just me, one other bandster, and one potentially bandster named Vickie! Yes, just us 3 and about 9 million gastric bypassers (rule #43 of blogging...exaggerate! It makes things exciting). The doctors didnt even come this time. Too bad bc I was wearing lip gloss! I also talked about poop. WELL!!! Someone had to do it!
Two more housekeeping items for the day. First, Jennifer sent me a pair of jeans and some little hot shorts from Old Navy! Thank you Jen! I call them hot shorts bc Tracey saw how short they were and got all hot and bothered. I also just love to say your last name. Wanicki!
I would like to introduce you to Joey! Joey found me on facebook and then I found her wedding pictures and wanted to be just like her and picked her dry about her wedding and reception. Well now she has her own lapband blog and she is in the icky preop stage!
Okay dokey! I think that is about it for me today.
ONE more thing...the title of my post! Well, after talking about making boom boom at support group, I decided to take a gentle laxative. I took 2 last night at 6:30. 14 HOURS LATER...it started to work. 14 hours? Where was that hiding at? Was it THAT long and laborious of a journey that it took 14 hours to work itself out?
Monday, February 8, 2010
*Long, deep, from the gut kinda sigh*
Amazing how just one day of debauchery can make a difference.
I forgot to answer the question "Where did you get the bikini"? Well, I got it at Bealls. Which is a Florida only store....but I wonder if you could find it on their website?
Also, we have a little problem. I am losing hair again! Say WHAAAAT? I started to notice it about 2 weeks ago but I decided I must just be hyper sensitive. However, the floor in our bathroom where I stand to blow dry my hair cannot lie. Neither can our shower drain. A year and two weeks after surgery...and 6 months after I stopped losing hair the first time...here it comes again.
Well I dont think I can blame it on the anaesthesia this time. I guess I should start taking my vitamins again. And I GUESS I should track my protein again. Crap!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
After fighting the good fight yesterday and avoiding Cheetos (thank you for your support on Facebook ladies)...we bought a bag today. Along with a bag of trail mix that includes peanuts, m&m's, chocolate chips, and peanut butter chips.
And then I had fried pickles for dinner.
So I expect to be punished tomorrow on my official weigh in day. But at least the scale will move! hahaha...
Okay...not funny. But I was hoping to at least shake things up and then get back on track.
For all my friends here in the States have a wonderful Super Bowl Sunday!
And one last thing...we have a fellow blogger getting ready to start her band journey! Julie lives in Ireland and would love some support!
Friday, February 5, 2010
I bought one.
Not a tankini.
A real bikini.
And it scares me a little bit. All of you have seen my recent belly shots. Standing upright...not terrible. Of course there are the old stretch marks. And YES, there are the five battle wounds I have earned in my war with obesity...courtesy of Dr. Friedman. AND YES, I don't look like model....but still.
So I bought it. And it's cute. It really is. I have been looking for a bikini for awhile to wear when I am at my sister's pool. And then recently I started entertaining the idea of buying one for when we go to the beach. Now, it should be said that when we go to the beach we go waaaayyy down past the public (aka the busy part) part of the beach. But, I am nervous. I don't want to be one of those people that other people look at and think...
Sweet Heaven's to Besty who told her that looked good!
My qualifications for a bikini were as follows:
I didn't want grandma pantie bottoms. Nothing above the belly button. I also did not want little baby bottoms that just barely cover the lady station and let my stomach hang out. No string bikini bottoms either. I wanted them to hit just below my belly button.
For the top, it gets a little trickier. I have found that XL bikini tops are not built for XL sized boobies. So, while the part around that ties around my back fits my 36", the cups usually runneth over. I also need a little substance to the under arm piece...the fabric that runs from the girls to my back. I have the side boobie fat issue.
So this bikini fits the bill. But it still makes me nervous.
Of course I will take pictures when I get home and post soon. I will probably go back and buy the matching tankini top for situations that call for some more cover!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Just walked into work, popped my money in the machine, grabbed that damn thing and chugged it. It wasn't until I got to the very bottom of that beautiful bottle that I realized what I had done.
My first thought was...HOW AM I GOING TO TELL MY BLOG BUDDIES!
I started to panic. Cold sweat. Hyperventilating.
Then I woke up!
It was just a dream! Or a nightmare.
It still made me feel dirty. I took a shower immediately.
Soldiering on my peeps. Soldiering on!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Some people are in a funk right now. Some bloggers are stuck in that place where we all go sometimes. You know that place.
The bad place.
Where all mirrors make us look fat. Where there are people with their hands out...just wanting something. Money. Time. Our soul. Where the scale won't move or where our partners don't understand. Where we are underpaid, under appreciated, or overlooked.
Yes. That's the bad place. And one should never stay there long. You can stop in from time to time and window shop...but keep on moving!
So with that said, I thought I would try to help---the only way I know how. Through laughter and words.
I believe that at any point--at least in MOST circumstances--you can choose your attitude. You can choose whether or not to smile. To find laughter. To feel love and give love. You can choose whether or not you will stay in the bad place or pull yourself up and find the good in the day.
Now sometimes you have to look really really hard to find that good...but it is there. Maybe it is hiding. Play a little game of hide 'n' seek and find it! Play with your kids. Don't have kids? Play with yourself! (hahah) Play your most favorite songs really loud and dance around like an idiot. Go shopping (this won't work if you are in the bad place because you are broke). Kiss your partner. Not a little peck, but a good old fashioned Hollywood kiss. Clean or organize something. Do something out of the ordinary for you.
And I know what you are saying. "Oh Amy, what do you know? What world do you live in?"
Well, to be honest. I live in the ghetto. I live paycheck to paycheck. I work a job that brings me very little joy. I wish I could move. I wish I could make more. I wish I was taller, skinnier, funnier, more self confident.
But, since we are being honest here...
I have a roof over my head and we have made the most with what we have. I live paycheck to paycheck but still have money for some shopping now and then, eating out, cable, internet, and other frivolous things. I HAVE a job, and one that affords me flexibility. I could live worse places than Pensacola. I am only 30. I may never be taller, but thinner may happen.
I believe that happiness is yours to make.
I put a quote on Facebook yesterday. It is from my favorite country duo...Sugarland.
"Some believe in destiny, some believe in fate. I believe that happiness is something we create".
And if you are in the bad place bc of the damn scale...sisters (and brothers) you are not alone. But lookey loo...if we are doing the right thing. Making healthy choices, moving, and not going coo coo crazy...the scale will move. It will!
And if you don't believe me. Then I've come up with a new reason the scales are stuck. Gravity. Or something having to do with the rotation of the moon and the Planet-not-a-planet-look-it's-a-planet again-Pluto. The is some gravity vortex that is holding us down. Yes. That must be it.
So say SCREW YOU to the bad place.
And remember what you know for sure....what you know deep deep deeeeep down in your soul.
You are fabulous.
Now go tell somebody!
Monday, February 1, 2010
With that said, I am down .5 pounds for the week. Well, I guess it's better than being up! So, I am at 206.5.
With that said, the good news is that this recent losing streak---5 weeks of recorded loss---is the longest losing streak since I was banded! It was not the largest amount of weight I have lost (11 pounds this month), but the longest I have gone without gaining.
Sure enough, I looked back over this last year, and for the most part, I would go 2, maybe 3 weeks with a loss, and then I would gain.
It might look something like this:
Shrinking Mommy asked me what my lowest month of weight loss was. Honestly, there were several months that I actually ended at a higher weight than I started! How about that!