Thursday, November 30, 2017

The Truth

The truth is...I am sad.  And it hasn't gotten easier.  And I am afraid it will never get easier. 

The truth is...I no longer believe them when they say "you will get through this and you will be stronger".  I am afraid the best parts of me are lost and I won't get them back.

The truth is...I barely hold it together most days...and even the "barely" part is getting hard to manage.

The truth is...memories are like ghosts with a death grip on my heart.  And it's easier to let the good memories wash over you until you are drowning.

The truth is...even when someone rips you apart, you don't stop loving them.

The truth is...you can read a million quotes or self help books about how "you are enough", but at the end of the day you are left searching for the why's and how's...and when you can't find logical answers you start to blame yourself.  You find comfort in the old belief that logically all signs point to "you were NOT enough".

The truth is...I have no idea what I believe anymore.  I find no respite in the idea of karma anymore, because if people get what they deserve...than I did something to deserve this?  Do I still believe in love?  In the human heart? 

The truth is...I am scared there is "no other side" of this.  That this IS what life will be like now.  Just getting through the day.   Until the next day.  And the next.  And that makes me so tired. 

The truth is...I cry myself to sleep at night just wishing that this was a nightmare and I would wake up from it...and not find the pillow next to me empty.

The truth is...I feel selfish and ungrateful for all the amazing people in my life that I DO have, that DO love me, that DO care about me, and who have not left me or betrayed me.  I hate that I give so much energy to the one who broke me, instead of the ones who try to hold me together.

And the truth is...you won't see this Amy.  Not in person or on social media.  You will see the smiling Amy.  Lifting weights.  Laughing. Telling jokes.  Loving the pups, pig, ducks, and kitties.  You will see the Amy that looks like she is strong and making it.  I don't think that Amy is real.  They say time heals. 

The truth is...

I am afraid they are wrong.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Chapter 38: This one is for me

I turn 38 years old today.  And I hope that is just a drop in the bucket of the years I have to come.  But I turn 38 years old today.

Today is a new chapter.  As I turned the page on 37, I realized that this last year has been the most painful and challenging year of my life...but I also have begun to realize that this last year was such an education for me.  I have grown more over the last 12 months more than any year of my life (I mean...THEY say your 4th year is also important but who can remember being 4 in exact detail).

Things I have learned this year:


1.You can't save anyone but yourself. You can't love someone enough in the hopes that your love will save them or fix them.   If someone doesn't want to change, there is nothing you can do to make them want it.  This has been my greatest lesson, and one of the hardest to accept.

2.  You will never be enough for someone that is not enough for themselves. I have spent the last 7 years of my life convinced I was "not enough".  This shaped every action and every minute of my life.  I spent all of my time, my energy...all of me...trying to prove my worth.  But one thing I know now...I AM ENOUGH.  I am Amy Irene Workman and there is a shitload of wonderful things about me.  I will never be the girl again that sacrifices everything for nothing...or very little...in return.

3.  It's the hardest times in your life that you will find the truest of friends.  I mean...I can't even type this paragraph without crying.  My friends, MY PEOPLE, are some of the most amazing human beings in the world.  I don't know what I did to deserve them, but I am thankful for their love and support everyday.  From showing up at my front door just to hug me, to care baskets, drinks, slumber parties, paint parties, yard work...you name it.  My tribe has been with me over this last year.  They saved me from myself.

4.  Sometimes you don't get a choice when things end...but you do get to choose when you begin again.  It took me longer than I thought to be ready to make that choice.  But I have made it.  It takes courage to let go of the people and things you built your forever on.  Sometimes it seems easier to dance with the devil you know, rather than dance alone.  Loving someone is a privilege, but so is letting go.  Both will teach you a thing or two about life.

5.  Trust your gut.  Seriously.  Trust it.  I realize now that not only did I ignore what I "knew" when it came to the affair, I chose to ignore my gut from the beginning.  I don't believe in regret and think that everything from our past shapes the person we become...but I knew from the beginning things I chose to ignore.  "We ignore truths for temporary happiness".  I found that quote the other day.  And THAT is true.

6.  Not everyone has a good heart or good intentions.  Not everyone is a good person. As a believer in love and people, this is one of the hardest things for me to believe, accept, or understand.  Of course I am not naive enough to think that everyone in this world is "good"...but I was naive enough to think the person I loved was.   I have learned so much about Cluster B personality disorders...Sociopaths, Narcissists, Psychopaths, etc.  You know they say that 1 in 15 people have a Cluster B Disorder? So next time you are in a room of 30, 60, 90 people...look around and do the math (I am not going to do it for you bc math it unpleasant...much like smelling seafood) and know they exist.

7.  Closure may never come in the way you think you need it or want it to.  Sometimes you have to "close it" yourself.  Not just in heartbreak, but in life...things don't always end with a clear cut.  You may not ever understand WHY or HOW...you just have to find solace in knowing that you gave it everything you had and hope that when you come out on the other side you will be able to say "I don't know why you did it, but thank God you did...because look at me now".

8.  Integrity gives you real freedom because you have nothing to fear since you have nothing to hide.  Okay...so that is Zig Ziglar and not Amy Workman, but through all of this, I find peace in knowing I still have my integrity.  That I have been honest.  That my spirit is still one of hope and generosity.  I am who I said I was. That I am kind.  And optimistic.  And true.  Not just to myself, but to the people I call friends and the family I love.  Not everyone can say that.  Or they can say it...but their track record proves otherwise. If what you put out into the universe comes back to you, I've got some good things coming.

9.  The farther away you get away from negative people, the more positive you feel. I mean...Pinterest told me this but I think it might be true.  You also make room for more positive PEOPLE.  As an empath, I am greatly effected by people's emotions and energy.  As I begin to feel the realm of positive opening up, I can't wait to FEEL how it feels as I truly move farther and farther away from the negative.

10.  You will hear lots of good advice...but until you are ready to hear it...you will choose to ignore it.  You can read books, every quote under the sun, you can have friends tell you what you should do, you can have Therapist offer advice...but until YOU are ready...you won't be ready to hear it.  And I think that is okay. Put all the words in your think box and pull them out when you ARE ready.  The grieving process is different for everyone...and yours is YOURS.  Give yourself grace (in the words of my friend Brou Boo).  Hang out in the hurt once in awhile.  Feel all of the feelings.  But sometimes you have to say "fuck that shit" when the tears want to come or you want to take a turn to sad sack town.  Decide to make it through an hour.  Then maybe a couple of hours.  Then maybe a day.  You get my point.

11.  Do good and be good...but know that life may not always feel good.  I have asked myself over and over again WHY did this happen to ME?  I feel like I am a good person.  I save animals.  I read with 4 year olds. I try to smile at strangers, leave a place or person better than when I found it/them, and I like tacos.  If karma is real...then why?  If loving someone with truth, honesty, and loyalty was supposed to be the "right way" to love someone...then why?  So many why's.  I think the answer is that you just have to have faith.  You have to believe that things, the Universe, God...are leading you where you need to go.  My sister told me very early on in this process that instead of looking at it like the Universe was shitting all over me, maybe she said, the Universe is pushing you in the direction you need to go.  I think she was right.  Don't tell her.  Big sisters don't need to know they are right all the time.

12.  You can love someone with every part of you...but if they can not love you in return...if they hurt you more than they make you happy...if holding on to them is killing all of the good things inside of you...no matter how much you love them...you have to let them go.  This will take tremendous courage because you will have to believe in yourself.  You will have to have faith in the uncertainty of tomorrow.  You will have to believe that in uncertainty, anything is possible.

And finally...the last and most important thing that I have learned...and it took awhile to believe it but...

13.  I am going to make it.  When I would go over to my grandparents house, Grandpa would always be watching either golf or an old Western.  One of the lessons I learned from those Westerns was the guy in the white hat always wins. Always.  And guess what?  I'm the guy in the white hat.  Love conquers hate.  Good prevails.  And I am going to make it.

I love y'all.

Amy Irene Workman


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Today Is A Hard Day

Today is a hard day.  Today I am a shell with a smile on my face but eyes puffy and swollen from crying.  I woke up around 230 this morning and started crying.  I cried so hard I eventually got sick.  That lasted about an hour and I fell back to sleep at some point.  I woke up at 450 and went to the gym.  I cried in my car until I convinced myself to suck it up for at least 60 minutes.  I cried on my way to work.  I cried in the bathroom stall.

Today I don't believe in psychopaths or narcissists.  Today I blame myself.  Today I am a failure.  Today I am riddled with "Why wasn't I good enough?", "Why didn't she love me enough?", "How could she lie to me?"

Today when I start to tell myself "It's because she is broken and does not feel"...I quickly shut that down with "Well if you had been enough..."

It crushes my already broken heart to think about how I gave her all of me...everything...I worshiped her and trusted her and spent all of my money and time and energy on her...

And she threw me away.

Today I replay everything. From their text messages to Gina looking me in the face and pretending to be my friend while sleeping with my wife behind my back.  Today I wonder how she lives with herself.  Today I think about the mornings when I would be crumpled on the kitchen floor crying and Heather would be leaving for work and would say to me, "I can't deal with this right now...can't we just have a couple of days where we don't have to do THIS?'...and she would walk out and I would try to be a better wife by not talking about "this".

It was like she just flipped a switch and that was it.

I can't make sense of it.

My heart doesn't understand.

Today my heart feels heavy.  It feels full of sadness. It feels full of broken promises and lies.  I wish I could wring it out...like a towel that is soaked with water...and then hang it out to dry.

But life goes on.  So I got out of bed and worked out, planted a tree in the front yard, fed the ducks, played with the dogs, did some laundry, took a shower, and went to work. And tonight my sister comes in town, and my parents and brother and Lisa get in tomorrow...

And life goes on.

But today life is hard.

Today is a hard day.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Hot As A Firecracker, Here Comes July

Good afternoon to all my little snuggle bunnies and cupcakes.  You keeping your chin up?  If not, fuck it.  You don't have to today.  But maybe tomorrow.  And if you are...come here and let me get a piggie backride.  That's not a metaphor.  I just really like piggie backrides.

Last week I promised Ramona (fellow/former bandster) that I would update the old blog that day...

I lied.

I didn't KNOW it was a lie.  And I don't like to lie...but before I knew it, it was a million days later and here we are.

So here we are.

So where am I?

I am okay this week.  Two weeks ago though, I was curled up in my empty bathtub holding a towel and sobbing.  That was a hard week.

It's a rollercoaster.  This healing.

But I do feel like I am healing...I just need to stop touching the scab.

I hate the word scab.

And look...I just typed it twice.

And I feel like I am learning about myself.  I feel like one day I will be okay.  And that's a vast improvement from 10 days ago when I asked my friend Miriam, what if my heart never heals?  What if I cry every day for the rest of my life?  What if I am the "happy" girl on the outside with the broken heart on the inside...

and she said...

And every time I read that...I cry. Because I hope with all of my hopes...that she is right.  I asked Therapist last week..."What if everyone is wrong?  How do you know, or everyone else who tells me the same thing, that I WILL be okay?" She said, "Amy, you have A LOT of indicators that you are going to be okay.  A LOT".

I do a lot of reading about narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.  It helps.  Even though it's hard to make sense of it in my brain.  It's hard to understand that their can be human beings that don't feel remorse.  It's hard to believe that there are people that actually plot and plan on how to control and manipulate the people in their lives...that do nothing but give.

It is the opposite of who I am.

And so once of the things I have stopped thinking is the line of thought that "I am so stupid...how did I let this happen?  How did I not know?"

I wasn't stupid.  Heather exploited the best parts of me.  She chose me for all the wonderful things I am.  Kind, trusting, empathic, loving, giving...I was the perfect target.  It was all the good in me that made me the "perfect choice"...

I find myself struggling this week not with "How could she" or "Why"...but coming to terms with the fact that the person I loved never really existed.  For seven years...my love was real...yes.  Hers...what I thought was love...was not.

That's a hard pill to swallow.

And that's one of the things that makes coming out of a breakup with a narcissist different than a "normal" breakup (which are terrible and painful and hurtful as well)...most normal human beings feel something.  People cheat and fall out of love all the time.  People leave people and hurt people.  And none of that is "right", but most people don't thrive off of the pain involved.  They haven't plotted and manufactured an identity.  I kissed Heather before I told Tracey I was leaving him.  It took me four days to tell him.  I hurt him.  It hurt me to watch that.  I felt bad for my behavior and choices for a long time.  I still think of him fondly and while I don't believe in regret...I know that I caused him pain.

People with Cluster B personality disorders...it's just so different.

I started reading this book yesterday...
Holy tits it's eerie.  Eerie because it's like someone has been following me around documenting my life.  I am underlining things as I read...which is rather pointless since I've basically underlined the entire book.

But it's helped to open my eyes. I mean, one eye is open and the other is kinda opened...but still.  AND, after I stop reading it for a few hours I start to make excuses for her...but I will just reread if necessary.

It's funny, and sad I suppose, that while I was IN the relationship, I didn't realize how terrible some things were.

Example.  Miriam asked me the other day why it took me 10 years to go back to Kansas.  I told her I guess because Heather never wanted to go.  And I told her how once when I asked Heather to go back to Kansas with me she said, "I have no interest in seeing where you came from.  I don't want to drive around while you show me your house, or school, or favorite places."

And while I know it hurt me at the time, I quickly taught myself to believe "Maybe she is right.  Maybe people don't want to do that.  And just bc it's a big deal for me, doesn't mean it's important."

I actually asked Heather about that conversation recently...and she said "NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE'S HOME...if they tell you that, it's bullshit."

And she believes that.

I love seeing and knowing where people came from.  It's important.

But not to her.

So I learn.  I learn what I need and want and deserve now and in the future.

And believe me, I will never settle for less than I deserve again.  If I do, please come to my home and kidnap me.

So that's where I am emotionally.

Let's look at some pictures now.
 Listen.  This was after a lonnnnnng day of drinking and my lips were sunburnt and the ice cream cake was reallllly frozen and my utensil didnt work...so I used my face.
 We had an amazing float party on my lake on the 4th.  This was Boobies shit emoji.  I had a taco float...duh.
 Wild blue and some of the crew.  We took the paddle boat out, anchored it, and then floated on our rafts!
 I have a chair under my stairs that I like to sit in and look out at the backyard and water.
 Oooh.  PowPow and I went out...AFTER dark to a ccountry concert at the beach.  We thought it started at 7pm, which was already late for us.  He came on around 11:30 PM!  We almost died.  But there were so many hot guys including one I was rubbing on for an hour or so...I think he name was Daniel?  Dylan?  I don't know.  He was beautiful and we were in love for about 60 minutes.
 Bowling.  MadDog and the Big Booty Bowlers.
Miriam and I on the 3rd.  We were supposed to go tubing but the damn river was too high...so we all went to the beach instead.

 My suit for the 4th.  It took me 20 minutes to strap myself in bc I got frustrated and completly undid it.  That's why I started drinking at 930 am and was eating cake with my face 14 hour later.
 Me and Timmy (we also call him Yummy...for obvious reasons)
I bought a damn weed eater and figured that sucker out myself.  I was pretty proud of myself man.

And that's it.  I am alive and making it.  I love y'all.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Your Online Dating Profile

For those of you who are single and ready to mingle, or for those of you who like to play the mental game "IF I was single and ready to mingle"...do you ever think about how you would write your dating profile...That is assuming you don't already have one?

I do.

Because let me tell y'all sumpin...

This new Amy...

She is going be who she is (which, let's be honest...CAN be fabulous most of the time).  So if I ever had to actually create a dating profile...the following would be included.

I wrote that several months ago...before 'The End' and my 'New Beginning'.  It sounds easy enough.  Simple right?  I mean yes...I want MAGIC...but what makes it magical is a touch and a thought and intention.

The funny thing about being on the market and having a public blog that is as open as mine is that any potential suitor could read it and know things about me that one usually waits until the 3rd, or 17th date to share.  Yesterday I found out that I had a reading audience of "real life" guys the ol blog from time to time.  I panicked for about 4 seconds, quickly running through the list of posts in my mind that are included in the last 8 years (including but not limited to posts about pooping on the side of the road and my labia)...but then I shrugged and thought, "Well, if you read this and STILL want to date me...then you know what you are getting!"

So let me add to my list of wants shall I?

Here we go:

  • You don't need to be a great dancer, but from time to time I would like you to sway back and forth with me.  It might be in the kitchen, it might be in the backyard.  But I want you to hold me and move with me...and seal the deal with a kiss.
  • Speaking of kissing...you have to be a good one.
  • You have to celebrate special days or occasions.  You don't have to buy me expensive gifts, but thoughtfulness on my birthday or Christmas, or...just on a Monday is important to me.  Write me a love note.  Buy me a flower.  Please don't just hand me your credit card and let me do all the work. 
  • You have to be sweet to my mother even when she is driving ME crazy and you have to pretend to understand my father when he is speaking "Al".
  • You have to be kind to my friends.  They are amazing.  Many of them are crazy.  But they are worth it.
  • Must love, or tolerate with love like qualities...animals.  Sorry.  The fur children are my for real children.
And what do you get in return?  Me.  I can be cute and charming.  I am kind and generous.  I am funny and have a heart with a tremendous capacity to love.  I will have your back, support your dreams, and listen with intention.  I never fight dirty.  I believe in communication and honesty and openness.

And...one last thing.

I trust.

I live with an open heart and mind.

I'll tell you my weaknesses long before I probably should.

And my heart is still in pieces.

I believe in love...even are my darkest of days, because I know it exists inside of me.  I believe in passion and loyalty.  I believe in people that mean what they say and do what they promise.  I know those things are real because I am those things.

But it might take a little while for me to believe in you.

Because believing in Heather almost shattered me.  I didn't know if I would come back from it.  Some moments I still don't.  But those are just moments now...they used to be days in a row.  And so when I give you my hand, please be patient.

I am worth it.

I promise.

(and p.s.  It would also be helpful if you loved Mexican food, working out, and sex.  Great).

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Attack of the Cockies

Listen to me people.

I believe in karma.  And once I read a book by the Dalai Lama and he said everything has a purpose and we aren't supposed to kill things.

So I don't kill spiders.

Or snakes.

I will only kill two creatures by choice.  Fireants...because they come directly from the pits of hell and are hateful...

and...

cockroaches.


See that big sucker on the far left?  Welcome to Florida.  Some people down here call them Palmetto Bugs...but make no mistake...they Cockies.

So when I moved into my new house (built in the 70's and recently flipped), I saw a couple of these.

Some were dead.  Some were not.  I knew I had to take action but would need to wait until payday, when I would take a little trip to our local pest control place and load up on whatever they told me to buy.

I should pause here to backtrack for you.  I closed on the house on a Wednesday, but didn't spend the night there until Friday.  Well, upon my arrival Friday I thought the house felt might warm so I padded across my new shag carpet to the thermostat and low and behold...it read 79 degrees inside, even though it was set to 74.  Hmmm...

Interesting.

So exploring I go.  The AC wont turn on.  Checked breakers and fuses.  All good.  Posted on Facebook.  Still not working after I try a few things suggested by all my friends who are experts in the field of AC.  Finally my wonderful realtor comes over and tells me what's wrong and to call my home warranty and get someone to come out.  I call.  It's gonna be 4 day.  Four days in the Florida heat while you house is full of people with good hearts working their asses off is a long time...but what's a girl to do?

So I wait.

Well on night 3 of no air, I wake up to find my bedroom ceiling leaking.  Sweet mother.  I panic.  Who do I call?  I know I am going to have to go upstairs and go into the attic.  And I know what awaits me.

Cockies.

I end up strapping on my flashlight headlamp, called my dad who is visiting my sister in Colorado, and traipse upstairs in my underwear and tank top.
My attic.

These suckers make the best gifts.


I needed to document.

Upon entering the attic, which you can see needs plywood, I see a cockroach perched on the ac unit...staring at me and twitching its twitchers.  I say to it "do not jump on my motherfucker.  DO NOT"...and although I cannot PROVE it...I am pretty sure it lunged at me a little.  Anyways, talking to my dad and tip-toeing through the death attic we basically figure out that the valve thingie is clogged and whatever.  

BUT, my dad did have me go outside to look at the AC unit.  I exited through the sliding glass door, still in just my tanktop and unders and wearing my headlamp.  It was probably around 330am.  When I tried to get back IN the house, the arm that secures the sliding glass door had fallen down and I was locked out of the house.
And of COURSE that was the same night I had locked every damn door for security purposes.  My dad actually started laughing at me over the phone.

Not helpful father.

Well luckily my bedroom window was unlocked, but it's pretty high off the ground so I had to drag a patio chair over and crawl through that sucker...ass to the world.

I made it back in, slightly defeated.

Well the next day I left work early to get the roach spray and doused the outside of the house, attic, and garage.

I am happy to report that the AC man came out and fixed it all up, and now the only cockies are see are dead ones.

Being a homeowner is fabulous.

I have also learned some valuable life lessons....LIKE....there is a little thing that holds that bar so it doesn't just fall down on you while you are half naked outside in the middle of the night.  Also, one should bury a spare key just in case.  ALSO, one should keep her bedroom window locked because it's easy for an idiot to crawl through it.

The end.

Putting Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again

Good morning nut muffins.  Well, let me change that as I do not really enjoy nuts on my muffins.  I enjoy a good moist muffin...so...

Good morning moist muffins.

It's been two and a half months since everything changed.  Two and a half months.  It feels like I have been going through this much longer than that...but I guess if you figure in the ENTIRE stretch of discourse, it has been closer to a year.

A year is a long time.

Two and a half month is an eternity in moments measured in heartbreak.

There are some amazing things happening in my life.  I am officially a homeowner!  I am in love with my house.  It's much like me.  A little older, needs some work and curb appeal, full of character and perfect for entertaining.  And as you may have seen on social media, I have the most AMAZING group of friends that have helped me accomplish more in the last 3 weeks with the house than most people do in three months.
 There were multiple slumber parties to paint.
 Champagne
 Moving day and putting contact paper down in the kitchen.
 More painting.
 Fixing things I broke.
 Getting rid of cockroaches
Made time for a little Dirty Dancing.
 Got a fence installed in the backyard.
 Pressure washing.

Amazing things. Amazing people. And I am so grateful.  Please don't think for a minute I am not appreciative of these humans that are here under the guise of helping with the house...but I know good and well that they are really here to help me pick up the pieces of my heart.  When I picture them in my head, they are standing under my heart, hands reaching up, holding the pieces together for me.

Because I am shattered.  And I am so tired.  So tired.  The nightmares had stopped for a few weeks and I was sleeping a little again.  But ever since I moved into the house, the nightmares have returned.  I dream about them together and wake up confused.  Sometimes I wake up unable to catch my breath.  And once I do I just lay there...trying to make sense of what is real.  Trying to make sense of their actions or choices.  But I can't.  I have given up on going to bed at a reasonable time.  What's the point?  So I just try and stay up being productive.  Painting or cleaning or organizing.

I spent a lot of last week angry.  Angry at both of them.  For Heather lying to me and not being the person she promised.  For not having enough balls to end us before starting them.  For deceiving me months and months while making me feel like I was crazy.  Mad at Gina for all of her deceit.  How can someone do that to their friend?  How does she sleep at night?  How does she justify what she has done?  How do people live with themselves knowing that have broken good people?

I don't understand any of it.

I cry a lot.  It can come out of nowhere.  On the way home from the grocery store.  On the way to work.  Walking in my house.

Heartbreak is like a rollercoaster.  One moment I will be full of hope...the next moment...I don't know how I am going to make it.

When does it get better?  Why did they do it? How is this real?  Why can't I just be "over it"?

These are the questions that just.won't.stop.

I do a lot of reading and have started journaling again.  My heart still wants to believe that there is hope for her.  One of my friends text me the other night and said, "Do you realize when people talk ill of Heather you cringe? Which makes you a good person.  And the fact that she won't leave you alone makes her a bad one."