Has The Universe Pooped On You Lately?

I hope not.

If it is, you can get under my umbrella--eh eh eh---under my umbrella ella ella (I was singing the Riahanna song).

I know some of you are having a week from hell. And I wish I could hold your hand and give you little Eskimo kisses until you feel better. But, all I have to offer you is my ear and hopefully some chuckles.

I am TRYING to post a vlog. As promised, the other night I went home and recorded a 5 minute vlog! OH MAN IT WAS GOOD! I was telling jokes, shucking and jiving, zigging and zagging. I had almost beat the vlog holder recorder for longest vlog (currently held by Cara I think...) But guess what? I "shoot" my vlogs on my little kodak camera, and when I upload a 2 minute vlog, it takes at least 30 minutes. Well, this 5 minute vlog never will upload. Seriously, I let it upload overnight! Nothing. I tried again at work for like 7 hours....NOTHING.

SOOOO, I will not let electronics rule me! I have decided to film three, count them, three vlogs. It will be fun. It will be a mini-series....of AMY! So, I will film them probably tomorrow night. Are you on the edge of your seats? It is a toss up between seeing New Moon or seeing my vlogs? I thought so.

On the eating front....

uh oh....

Amy bad.

I have been going a little silly this week. Eating when I am not even CLOSE to hungry. It is a cycle thing with me. And by cycle I mean my brain, not my monthly visitor to Lady Station. That's okay. I will regain control and be back on track soon enough. I tried to eat a black jack taco today. You know, the one I ate like 4 of before this last fill. Turns out, I could only eat about 3.5 bites today before I PB'd them for an hour! Thumbs up Tina. Thanks for doing your job!

Sometimes My Brain Hurts

Too many thoughts...must relieve pressure:



1. There is a movie out in limited release called Precious. The star of Precious is Gabourey Sidibe. And this is a picture of Gabby.

The other day I read a quote (and forgive me Gabby if I don't get it right), but it went something like this..."People are saying that I got this movie and now I am fabulous. The truth is, I was fabulous and THEN got this movie". That's what I am talking about! If you get a chance to see her in interviews, she is honest and candid about her weight. She doesn't claim to "love being big", and is realistic about the health implications. If she beats me to Oprah though....oooh...I will be hot!

2. Even at 219 pounds, I can feel my port pretty good. I can't see it under my skin, but I can feel it with much more ease! Amazing what less fat around the belly will do for you. I wonder if when I am 108 pounds I will be able to see it....

....just kidding....I was seeing if you were paying attention. I will never weigh 108 pounds!

3. Speaking of my port, I almost thought I had a port sprain (not a real term, I just made it up). The other evening Tracey and I were...um...dancing....and our dance moves included the arm of the couch and a handstand of sorts...and it hurt my port!

4. I clearly do not believe in TMI.

5. I may...MAY...have found a very close runner up to Sunkist. It is a tasty diet soda (pop). Pictured here.

6. Things that have become normal 10 months after being banded: My hair and my poop. My hair loss started slowing down about 2 months ago. It started growing back in before that. It is healthier now then it has ever been! My poop is nothing like preband, when I was consuming extra value meals at every turn. But by normal, I mean the new normal. Maybe every couple of days...and not very much. It doesn't concern me anymore.

7. I didnt lose any weight last week. I try to keep in mind that I lost 7 pounds a week, 2 weeks in a row. Funny thing is...I didnt really do much different in the 7 pound loss week and the zero pound loss week. Such is life with the band.

8. I did it. I summoned the courage to go into Victorias Secret and buy some undies. Size XL. Yes, even Amy gets fat fear petrified (again, not a real term). But, I define it as when you let Fat scare you from doing something. I just get worried that when I go into a store with skinny girls working, they will look at me and say "Uh uh big girl....Lane Bryant is across the way!" But part of getting my mind right is realizing, I am not as big as I used to be and things are actually starting to fit! So I bought 5 for $25. And now it is official....I never have to go into Lane Bryant again!

9. One of the things that has NOT decreased with my decreasing weight is my facial hair. I had such high hopes! I didnt start getting facial hair until I started really packing on the pounds. And the hormones are wickity wack with extra fat...so I was hoping that as I got thinner, my grandma whiskers would go away. But hey, maybe with the next 50?

10. I need a nap.

11. I will be cooking a turkey for the first time this Thanksgiving. Thank God I have Tracey bc I make him stick his hands up the birds but and pull out the gross things. He's a dad ya know? Once you are a parent you can do gross things like that. Also, you wipe boogies with your bare hands!

K, ladies...that is all I have for you today. I will hopefully be able to vlog for you this evening. I am trying to think of a costume to wear or something...

Christmas Come Early

I got home from work today and had not one, but two...COUNT THEM TWO...gifts waiting for me. What a wonderful surprise after this week's events!

The first gift was from Kathi. She sent me a beautiful top. It is size 22/24, but Kathi is right...it fits more like an 18/20. It is almost too big for me...but I am going to wear it to work damn it!

Please don't mind the fact that I am not wearing any pants...I was in the middle of playing dress up.
Kathi also sent me the lipstick that I couldn't find here...the wonderful nude color that Kristen looks so good in. Guess what? Not so much on me! Kathi is right again...on me...looks a little corpsey....death cometh to my lips.
My next package arrive in the most wonderful pink flowery butterfly box.
First dress...Not bad huh? Good and SASSY!
Next dress I am really madly in love with...
Angie also sent me a size pair of 14 jeans...can anyone say serious goal jeans? While I am aways from wearing these, I had to take a picture bc they seem like a tiny to me. Remember, everything is relative.And finally, my back fat. What is missing is the upper roll that used to hang over. It's gone!

So thank you to my wonderful friends. Do you think I can quit my day job and exist solely on clothing and make-up donations from my band buddies? No? FINE! But seriously...thank you Kathi and Angie! I promise to pay it forward!

Does Your Train of Thought Have a Caboose?

So, once upon a time...very long ago (3 weeks), there was a princess who for the sake of this hypothetical fairy tell, fell off of her banded train. She was left with the other hobo's in a little tent city called Taco Hell.

Her demise started slowly enough. After achieving her 100 pound loss goal, Princess Amy went apeshit crazy. And taco hell was just the bordello to reside in! Princess Amy's evil stepsisters (that live in her head) told her..."hey chubbie girl! You should reward yourself for all your hard work? Why don't you eat this apple?" It wasn't really an apple though...it was a poisoned apple...also know was a BlackJack Taco!

This began a mudslide of forest-fires-followed-by-torrential-rain- in-Californiaesqe proportions. Bad tacos, nom nom nom.

Until one day, her Fairy Godmother, also known as Dr. Friedman, came with his magic wand, also knows as a needle, and tightened her little Tina right back up. *POOF* All better. Ta Ta tent city of Taco Hell!

So, 14 pounds lighter and feeling good and sassy, Princess Amy was at precipice (situation of great peril). For a moment, she thought about digging out the clearance Halloween candy she has stored for Christmas. I mean come on...she was 14 pounds down...she can indulge!

But she didn't! She has stayed focused. Listen to her body and not the voices in her head!

And she lived happily ever after...

or at least for this week...

The End

Life

Tracey's youngest son Corey (who I have mentioned once before) is 16. He also has duchenne muscular dystrophy. Muscular dystrophy is a degenerative disease that attacks muscles...eventually freezing them into place. That is the cliff notes version. While some boys (primarily boys) live to be 30, usually life expectancy is late teens, early 20's. After Tracey's divorce, Corey and Kayla (18) went to live with the ex. Unfortunately during this time, the ex hasnt cared for Corey the way a mother should or would. I could list some pretty sad instances of that, but I won't right now.

Corey is in the hospital. Last week they called an ambulance to pick him up. He had been sick with cold/flu like symptoms for over a week. The ambulance was more feasible bc his legs are frozen in a triangle position, and it hurts to move him. He has not left his bed in almost 2 years. While the doctors have not given us a definite prognoses yet, Tracey received a call today that he needed to come to the hospital right away to discuss end of life, DNR, etc. Tracey was working 2 hours away, and should be back soon.

Corey is awake. But his lungs are having trouble breathing for him. This is such a hard time for Tracey. As many of you with kids can imagine (even those of us without). I was doing good until today. I think everything is catching up with me. There are so many mixed emotions inside. I broke down putting up the Christmas tree bc I didnt know if it was selfish of me to celebrate while he is hurting. Of course Tracey told me that he loves the tree and it helps him to keep his mind off of things.

We aren't going out of town for Thanksgiving like planned. And I feel bad for being a little sad about that. But I completely understand!

Also on the table is the possibility of the ex losing custody of Corey due to child neglect. And that could open so many different things.

I have also been trying to find out about burial arrangements if it comes to that.

Wow.

With all that said, you guy's know that I don't believe in worrying too much about any given thing. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you...and the stuff you worry about never happens, and the stuff that you never worry about smacks you in the face! So we are taking one day at a time. I just wanted to share with all of you so if something does happen...you knew a little of the back story!

Love you and thanks for reading,

Amy

Dearest Jami-One of my readers!

Thank you so much for your amazing words on one of my posts! I didnt have a way to respond to them, and I didnt know if you would get a notification that I responded, but I replied to your comments on that post!

Obsession

So, do you think it will happen to you? To me? To one of us?

Will we become one of those people so obsessed with maintaining our goal weight that we go to extremes?

I ask because I am not sure if when it is happening, the person knows. And once they get there, I think it is hard for them to recognize what is happening.

The other day, I was reading a thread on LBT started by a bandster who is over a year out and down tons of weight. She has had a tummy tuck already and is under goal weight. She was telling a story about how she is tired of people telling her she has become to obsessed with working out and dieting. It is leading to arguments with her husband and mother. Ah hell, I will just post what she wrote:

"i see members on here that post threads/pictures that say 92 pounds gone FOREVER...50 pounds gone FOREVER and so on and so 4th...i can't seem to grasp the FOREVER part...i'm the 1st person on here to tell people that ask me questions to "just relax and take it day by day"....i can't seem to follow my own advice when it comes to maintaining my loss...i CAN'T relax....i'm scared to death to relax...i don't think any loss from any type of weight loss surgery is FOREVER...i've seen people on here and in my own personal life put their weight back on...(mostly bypass patients)...i'm not doing anything different then i did to lose the weight...but i can't get over this fear of it coming back...i find myself working out harder to make sure it doesnt come back...my husband friends and family don't understand what i am going through...and now think i have a "problem"....who doesnt...lol....i can't live in that misery again...i can't do it...but i can't seem to grasp the FOREVER in my head either...its on my mind all day....everyday....i feel like if i have the FOREVER mind-set i'm going to get lazy....if i feel like if i think i'm invisible to ever gain my weight back i'm kidding myself...i'm happy going to the gym...i happy with what and how i eat...i didn't have to chage much about how i eat....i love meat...i just needed the portion control...i have that with my band...but i want to feel like i'm going to be okay...i want some1 to assure me that i'm going to be okay...that if i keep doing what i'm doing it won't come back...i'm totally stressed out about this... "

Here is what I think. It becomes an obsession when it starts to affect other parts of your life...your relationship, your work, etc. It becomes an obsession when it becomes detrimental. The fact that she posted about this, almost seeking affirmation that she is okay, makes me think that she feels...somewhere deep down inside...that maybe she has lost control. And I told her that much and she agreed. She is really a sweet person and always have such positive things to say about others pictures, and she has lost WAY above average...


It is just interesting, this transferring of addictions. Somehow we have to find a healthy balance and a real way to live.

I have never said "x amount of pounds...gone forever". For me, I don't know if they are gone forever. I don't think the band will last forever, but I hope if that time comes, I have other options. But, I also don't live in fear of the weight coming back. Not everyday fear...although if I am honest a taco bell bender does put some fear into me. But I have always said that I think the band is different than "diets" bc when we use it for good and not for evil (USE THE FORCE LUKE), we learn. We learn a new way of life, living, eating, cooking. That is my hope anyways.
Someone close to me had gastric. She is now too thin, too deflated, and too obsessed with keeping the weight off. She swore before surgery it wouldn't happen to her. But she is also one of those people who has completely changed with her weight loss...and not for the better. With her new found "confidence" she drinks to much and sexes too much.

There is just so much more to all of this then food. But we all knew that. I just wanted to share with you guys and get your thoughts.