Thursday, December 30, 2010
I did not.
You see, I have to tell you something. Sometimes if everyone else is doing something, there is this part of my brain that yells "I WILL NOT DO IT". It's sort of like blog awards. I get a little hivey and irrational about it all.
So, for some reason this year...I have been thinking about a word. My word is TRUST.
You see, I have spent a great deal of time lately doubting, fearing, wondering, UNtrusting people, life, myself.
And there is not much point to it really.
In fact, I do believe that worrying--if you give it too much power--becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I am going to TRUST more this year. I am going to trust in the path of life, trust in my abilities, trust in my selfworth, trust in Heather's love, trust in the power that I know I can tap.
Whenever I start letting all the scary negative talk take over inside my head I try to remind myself to TRUST.
And I am working on stopping that negative talk. It's hard. But if I can block out at least 75%, it will be a good step in the right direction.
I TRUST I can do it!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
So let us look at the phases I came up with.
Phase One: My first year (and my hitting my goal for that first year of 120 pounds down)
Phase Two: The time it took to get from my first year to my final goal to see 170 pounds on Mr. Scale.
Phase Three: Maintenance
and introducing the newest addition to the Phase channel..
Phase Four: Second Wind
So, I have been at or around goal for at least 6 months now. I have found that I can maintain my body weight by eating like a normal person and working out. And I am okay with where I am. Or I was...but now I am bored. Just a little. And just a little off track. So I have decided to make a new goal.
And I sit here afraid to type it.
Okay fine. I have set a new goal of 150 pounds.
A majority of you who are at goal picked a weight lower than mine. Several of you guys are there! So I got to thinking...why not? And in all honestly, I would be just fine at 160. But I think 150 is a nice stretch goal for me. The problem is...I don't know if that is where I want or need to be. I am sure I could "diet down" to 150. I don't know if I want to do what it takes to maintain 150. Heather is a bit concerned that 150 on me may be too thin.
So we shall see.
I am kind of looking forward to weighing on a regular basis again. I am looking forward to seeing a new size. To seeing what my body looks like a little less.
Here is the game plan.
Heather puts on a Biggest Loser competition for our organization twice a year. Starting January 4th, it will be Biggest Loser partners. My partner is Lisa, who at the moment weighs 170 pounds. The winning team is the team who has the highest percentage of weight loss at the end of three months.
I want us both to lose 10%. This should be enough to secure the title of WINNERS. In the past, several bigger people have won...but even last year the male winner only had a total weight loss of 7%. I like a little friendly competition. And both Lisa and I are good at running our mouths. So let it begin. This weekend I am loading up on salt and calories to pump the scale up a little on weigh in day. Cheating you say? Not so much (bc I have wind of others doing the same thing).
My plan of attack looks like this.
I am giving up pop/soda...at least for the 3 months of the competition. Do you remember how good I used to be at drinking water? Do you remember when I gave up sunkist last year for months and months? I can do it again. And it will help.
I am will still lift weights at least 3 times a week (currently I do an hour 4-5 days a week), but I will also do at least 3 days of cardio.
I am revisiting some of my less than stellar eating habits. For example, I eat fast food A LOT compared to hardly NEVER during my first year of weight loss. This means I need to make sure I bring food to work for meals.
I am cutting back on unhealthy snacking at work. Grazing is, and will always be, a huge area of problem-os for me. So less grazing.
And since I am giving up pop, I might as well give up beer and sangria.
And that's about it. I am getting a fill on January 5th. I only had 2 last year total. And let's be honest...I don't have much restriction right now. So I am excited and a wee bit nervous to go back to restriction land.
So wish me luck. I will keep you posted...
Christmas afternoon. Taking the first of many jolly shots.
I have no idea why I was laughing. But I love pictures like this. My brother is special.
Rachel had just taken a shot and I was rubbing her throat to help it go down. Good friends do that ya know.
As any typical week of vacation, it flew by. We had a great time. Ate, drank, made merry. I hope however you spent the holidays, you did the same!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I was born on September 8th, 1979 to Marji and Al.
I was the third child. My sister is 16 years my senior, my brother is 8 years my senior. And I, the chosen one, was a request of my mother...who knew there was a little Amy floating around waiting to be born.
My sister said I came out looking for a camera and ready to pose. She also says my brother screamed "Put her back in" after they told him I was a girl (even though my mom had warned him I was going to be of the female persuasion).
I grew up in a loving and comfortable middle class family on the outskirts of Topeka, Kansas. I had close to 20 barbies, give or take. I carried them around in a big trunk. I loved make believe. And I loved to make people happy.
I was bossy. I was funny. I was loud. I was bigger than most of my friends. But I wasn't fat. Although if you would have asked me at age five...I would have told you otherwise.
Somewhere in middle school I did become "fat". But I danced, cheered, acted, dated, and existed as a social being. But being fat defined me on the outside, regardless of whether or not it defined me on the outside.
I kept gaining weight, and by the time I graduated high school, I was 275 pounds.
I dilly-dallied in college for the better part of a decade (8 years to be exact). I majored in theatre for awhile, and then decided I didn't need that...because let's face it. I was dramatic enough. Then I majored in education, because not to sound bragadocious, I have a gift with challenging kids. But, then I decided I wanted to be rich when I grew up...and I graduated with a degree in Communication. What better field for the girl who always had "talks to much" on her report cards?
By the time I graduated college and moved to Florida...I weighed over 300 pounds.
At some point you stop thinking. You just eat. You drive to 3 different fast food restaurants on the way home. You just eat. You quiet the part of your brain that is trying to scream "you are killing yourself" by muffling it with hamburger buns and ice cream.
And eventually, that voice becomes so mute that its just a gentle hum inside your brain.
And then one day, the girl who loved the camera...didn't anymore.
The girl who could water ski...couldn't anymore.
The girl who loved to dance...didn't want to dance anymore.
And I decided to have weight loss surgery.
I was banded January 27th, 2009. I weighed 327.
I knew, because my doctor was clear, that with the Lapband...I could possibly lose ZERO pounds. I knew that I could fail the band. I could cheat it.
I chose not too. Well, most days I chose not too.
By my one year bandiversary, I had lost 120 pounds. I am currently at 160 pounds lost. (Give or take a few depending on the day, the tilt of the earth, the color of the wind).
I can't say that I am a much different person than I was then. I was sitting her mulling the thought over in my mind, and I have decided that I am the same person, just healthier...and happier.
But I was loved before. I was happy before. I enjoyed me some food before. I was too emotional, too much, too feast or famine. I am still all of those things. But I have captured so many of the "wants" that lived inside of me.
I wanted to be free of the restraints morbid obesity shackles you with. I wanted to be able to run and play, to swim, ski, dance, love, make love...LIVE...without my fat suit. And while you can certainly do many, if not all of those things, when you are overweight...it is not as easy.
This path I have been on for nearly 2 years has brought so many unexpected challenges, yet it has also given me so many unexpected gifts. I think we all battle our own demons. Some of my demons may be yours. Some may be all my own. And the band, or weight loss in general, can help you face some of those.
The emotional and mental hurdles I faced pre-band are still there. I still struggle with self-worth. I still am too emotional, too loud, too much. But now my PHYSICAL health doesn't hinder me or add to it. My physical health pulls me up.
I hope that we never stop finding ourselves. I hope my weight loss journey gives weigh (pun) to another one. There is peace in the possibilities of life I think. There is peace in the consistency of chaos.
And there you have my re-introduction. I know I have some new followers. I know that sometimes we forget what we read two years ago. I know that this community is a meca of support and friendship. I also know that it is cathartic to just write sometimes...and lately I have been trying to clear my mind and know what I know...worry less about the unknown. So I wanted you to know what I know about me.
Thank you for reading, for commenting, for emailing, for FBing, for Boobing it up.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
My lapband doctor is not doing well. He is battling a pretty serious health issue. And I am afraid for him. And I scared, and worried, and heartbroken. He is a young, kind, funny, successful doctor, really at the beginning of what I could only imagine to be a tremendous career filled with so many opportunities to change lives...
And yet he is faced with this huge obstacle.
I dream about him. And I know YOU know that I have dreamt about him before (can you blame me?), but these dreams are on the up and up. I wake up sad. And today, while I was working out, I started to cry.
Whenever I do sit up ons the ball, I always put one hand over my port. It sticks out and I like to hold it. I pretend it's the easy button. Anyways, feeling my port made me think of him. So I moved onto lunges, and then the tears started. I kept my head down long enough to pull my shit together....but still.
It's just another reminder that life is so unpredictable and you never know when...It makes me mad.
And so I scheduled a fill for January. It's not like I cant walk over to his office and pop in, but I want some time with him to give him a hug and tell him honestly...if there is anything I can do...let me know. I also need a fill, because even though I can still get stuck at random times, I am pretty much operating on very little restriction.
So there you have it.
I may delete this post after a few days because I am not sure this is my business to share...but I wanted to let you guys know.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Shall I let you in on my plans? Do I dare? Because who knows who stalks this blog that might exercise malice towards my holiday cheer...but I can't keep it in much longer. I shall bullet my excitement for you.
- Starting tomorrow, Heather and I will have the house to ourselves for the remainder of the week and all weekend! HOLLLLA! That is a present in and of itself.
- Heather has granted me permission to have a small holiday shindig (what is officially known as The First Annual Gainey-Workman (mostly Workman) Holiday Shindig, at our house on Saturday. I love to entertain. Man I do. I have put up inside Christmas decorations, bought the food to make, and I am ready. I promise to take some pictures. FO SHO!
- All Christmas shopping is done. Truth be told, I didnt enjoy it as much this year. Money i so tight, so it hindered how much I could buy...and mommy no like that. But it's done, and at least I will get to spend time with my most favorite people over the next two weeks.
- Monday we leave for the Smokey's in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Will we stop at my parents Monday night and then drive on Tuesday morning. We stay for 3 days, 2 nights and I am praying for snow! I am pumped to be away from the rest of the world and just be with Heather.
- THEN, we will head back to my parents boat for a few day and then Christmas day my brother, girlfriend, and the kids will come down. Instead of gifts, I told my brother he and Rachel had to find me and Heather the tackiest shot glasses Nashville had to offer (where they live) and we would do the same down here in Pensacola. We will wrap them, exchange them, and then shoot Patron. Nothing says Christmas like tequila. Yes?
- And then back to work for a few day and then New Years Eve will be spent in Defuniak. Usually I just bang pans at midnight, but I think I might shoot a shotgun this year :)
So that's it. All the things I am uber excited about.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
There are some things that I struggle with on a daily basis. Things that I just can't understand. And most of those things deal with other people. Other humans. And in all honesty, I don't know if I SHOULD even try to understand...bc people are crazy. And that is a fact.
But I do not understand, what I will now term as, Perpetual Miserites. Perpetual Miserites are people who live in the village of perpetual misery. They wallow around in it, cover themselves in it, and then scream or moan from the pile of horseshit they have created about how miserable they are. And because they are so miserable, they want...with every ounce of their being, to make others miserable.
That is the only thing that brings them "happiness".
I do not understand these people.
It is true that life comes with no manual. No "How To" for easy living. And it is true that some people had shitty childhoods, or crappy parents, or shitty partners and lovers. But I do not believe, that ultimately, that gives you an excuse to be a shitty person. I believe that on most days, most of us have a choice in the way our day, week, or life is going to look. As I write this, and in all the thought I have given this over the last few months, I am fully aware that when I complain or feel sad that I am not putting up my Christmas tree this year, or that I hate my living situation...it is my choice where I live and what I choose to do or not to do.
It really is up to me.
And sometimes we make sacrificies because there are often more human beings that rely on us or are tied to our actions. Most of us don't operate independently.
I don't understand wanting or choosing to bring others down.
And here is where I struggle. Because I don't understand it, because I don't believe in it, and because it is the opposite of where I come from emotionally and mentally...I am not sure how to deal with it.
I want to shake Perpetual Miserites and say FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! But the other part of me, the Good Amy wants to show them that no matter how horrible they are, I will not be horrible in return. But that can become exhausting. And what ends up happening is I do become Bad Amy and decide to give them a dose of their own medicine. Which doesn't feel good...but I want to say "Why am I trying if you aren't"?
I typically would say rid yourself of these negative people. I hear you saying now "Well, you have a CHOICE don't you Amy". And you are right. I do. And I am choosing to try and deal for awhile. I am trying to make the best of what it is right now.
Yuck. I hate that.
So I don't know what the best way to deal with the situation is. I don't know how to be the better person. I don't know if I should ignore or try to lift the Miserite.
And do you know what REALLY chaps my hide? When these people who are nothing but assholes to you for weeks on weeks, then want something from you.
WHAAAAAT? You gotta be kidding me right.
But there is that part of me that wants to help because I think it is the right thing to do.
I just don't know.
What I am trying to do is focus on the happiness in my life. I am trying to remind myself I shouldn't give power or energy to an evil spirit (it's like playing with a Ouji board...never a good idea). I am trying to find respite in what I do know, in who I do love, and what I know is good.
I welcome your thoughts though.
2. Handwashing. It's slightly overrated. I am just going to put it out there. Do you think in the olden days that are great-grandparents rinsed and washed and counted to 20 while sudsing up all the time? No. And they lived. Granted...they lived on average, 20 years less than the normal life expectancy of today *, but still. There is nothing a good case of dysentery won't teach you**
*I made that statistic up
**I don't even really know what dysentery is or if you can get it from dirty hands.
3. People who don't flush. By choice. My sister used to have this motto, "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down." Uh no. My motto is "Flush it...everytime and sometimes in between."
4. Panty lines. I do understand that sometime one does not know they have a panty line. But when you are all dressed up and looking good in either some slacks or a nice little skirt, and I can see your panty line cutting your ass cheek in half...it ruins it for me. Why even try? I promise you...there are comfy thongs out there. Don't be scurred. Try some different styles. OR, just don't wear any underwear! That would never work for me of course bc I have lady balls and they need support. But for you...MAYBE!
5. Inside farts. Do you know what I am talking about? When you can't let it out and you hold it in and then you actually here the fart...inside of you? That can't be good can it? Where does it go?
6. Republicans. HAHAHAHAH...juuuuust kidding. I love republican, democrats, independents... But that was kinda funny for a second right?
7. The smell of Carmex. Must it smell like Vic's Vapor Rub? Does that make it "serious" chapstick?
8. Pickles that don't have calories. How can something not have any calories? And if a calorie is a unit of energy, then does that mean if I ate a jar of pickles I wouldn't get any energy? So if I was on Survivor or something, it would be pointless to eat them?
9. People who don't like cheese. Makes no sense to me.
10. People who make their status updates on Facebook something super vague and super leading at the same time. A good example..."I can't believe that happened to me. It was horrible. Don't ask me what. I can't talk about it".
THEN WHY DID YOU POST THAT DAMN STATUS UPDATE? You feel me? You dig?
Monday, December 6, 2010
I hope you werent eating breakfast :0 ) Happy Monday!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
But I would like to talk to the class today about maintaining your goal weight. I can only speak for myself, but for those of you who have "arrived", feel free to chime in.
Life is much easier at the maintenance stage.
Let me rephrase. Maintaining my weight is much easier than actively trying to lose it. I was really worried about IF I was going to be able to maintain my goal weight. And for the most part, over the last...how long has it been?...4 months?...I have fluctuate 3 pounds above or below my goal of 170. I pretty much eat whatever type of food I want. I just don't usually eat TONS of it. This week I am being a good bandster (I will get to that in a moment), but on my "normal" weeks, I may eat cheetos and oreos for breakfast, whatever for lunch, some candy, whatever for dinner. Might throw a few regular sodas in there as well.
I am not bragging. It's not always the healthiest choices. But it's real. Now, with that said, if I don't check myself once in awhile and eat good stuff consistently for a day or two, I am sure I would gain. But...I know if I go up a few pounds it's time to reevaluate and get back on track.
Working out saves me. I know it does. Working out is why I have a little "cush" if you will with my food choices. There is no doubt in my mind, if I hadnt built up my muscles, if I didnt burn at least 350 calories a day doing weights...that I would not burn as many calories just "idling". And trust me, I am not going to give you the "workout lecture". You know the one...because telling someone they need to work out is like telling someone they need to dump their jackass of a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Until someone is ready and makes the choice to do it...they aren't going to do it.
Now...I KNOW you are saying "but she's got Heather". And you are right. But I worked out before Heather. I certainly work out much harder, and better with her now. She is for sure my motivation that gets me out of bed in the morning and makes me push myself though. So maybe it takes finding your motivation. I rent Heather out just in case you are wondering.
My point, which I have not made very well, is that maintaining takes work, but it's not hell. It's so funny to me now. I remember when having a candy bar, or one cookie, or a diet soda would have made me feel so guilty. Now...not so much. I know it's OKAY. Of course, I wouldn't have lost 120 pounds that first year if I had operated in that mentality that it's okay. Because when you are in the losing phase, and if you are in a hurry to get to a goal (as most of us are), then you do have to really work your band and be diligent.
But in the end...it will be okay.
I ate two pieces of toast the other day with cinnamon sugar on them. Yum. And they went down with no problem. At my tightest, I wouldn't have been able to eat one. I ate some cereal with banana's for breakfast this morning. At my tightest, I couldn't eat cereal.
So, I could be tighter. But I don't want to be. And right now I don't need to be. And I hope this is the healthy progression of us with bands. I will always want and need my band, but perhaps we can learn to depend on it a little less once we are in maintenance?
SOooooo....with all that said. I have decided that would like to hover closer to the 160's than the 170's. Which mean I won't be eating oreos or cheetos for breakfast for awhile. I have added in a little cardio either before or after my circuit class. Monday and Tuesday I ran a quick mile, and today I ran two. I can keep a steady 10:45 pace, and today I ran the last half a mile at a 9:30 pace. I have also introduce *gasp* water back into my system. I am hoping it might also help with my complexion...since that's been a little lackluster as of late.
So there you go.
A real band related post.
Happy Wednesday loves!
There is a very big difference between Heather's family and mine (besides guns, voting the Republican ticket, and pick-up trucks).
Her families day does not revolve around food. It revolves around doing. They don't sit around and plan out the next meal (hell, the next meal still may be running around in the woods). At 6 a.m. in the morning they aren't thinking about lunch or dinner. Their day is shaped by what they will be doing.
In the land of us Workman's, the day is shaped around when and what we will eat. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.
Isn't that a crazy thing? I mean, not crazy in the sense that we think like that or other's don't...but that I have never realized it before?
It takes some getting used to. I think that is why I panic a little in my brain at times when we are just sitting around in Defuniak. In my head, the little voice is saying "No one is talking about food! What if they don't feed me? What if I never get to eat again!"
Totally rational yes?
Monday, November 29, 2010
I have no clever title. I have no clever introductory sentence.
Damn it. I hate it when that happens.
I have been thinking about my bloggers these last few days. I wondered how my fellow American's lapbanders and dieters held up during Thanksgiving day meals. I found comfort in the fact that last year I am happier and healthier than last year. I ate slow. I only PB'd once in the last 6 days.
I weighed in today at 168.
I am content.
My mind and thoughts are scattered, but I didnt want another day to pass without blogging, so I will let them spill out and you can do with them what you will.
You will be happy to know that last weekend, I did indeed hang the Christmas lights outdoors. I didnt go crazy, but enough to feel in the spirit. I don't think I will put up my Christmas tree after all. And I am okay with that. It would feel like an impostor in the house right now. Next year, it will take it's rightful place in our home.
We spent the last 5 nights in Defuniak Springs with Heather's family. I always come back with fabulous stories and a desire to return. I have a GREAT hunting story, which may be better vlog material...
keep your fingers crossed.
Thanksgiving morning, Heather and most of the family went hunting. I stayed behind to help Granny get the food ready for lunch. It's crazy how different families have different types of foods that make up their traditional table landscape during the holidays. For example, I have never had a Thanksgiving without mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, and corn. But at the Gaineys, there were collards, 4 different kinds of fresh beans, sliced tomatoes, and apparently, a variety of "southern" staples.
I didn't eat very much. But I never really do on Thanksgiving. With or without the band. After lunch, I went hunting with everyone else. That morning...I snuck off to Walmart and bought me some camo gear. Including camo boots from the childrens department. A boys size 4. They were precious!
So for the next few days, we hunted and familied it up.
Saturday we went to the Florida State/Florida game in Tallahassee. Heather is a huge Gator fan...and now by default, I of course route for them too. If you don't follow college football, just know this. We got our ass beat. By a team that for 6 years prior...well...they have been "rebuilding". We still had a great time though!
It was a wee bit chilly in the morning...oooh..you can almost see my camo boots here...
I'm doing a baby Gator chomp.
Sometimes it doesn't matter if you team loses...just as long as you can hug someone who is hot. That's my motto anyways.
Oh...did you notice my hair is darker. I went brown for the winter. Blah.
Yesterday on our way home from Defuniak, we took the long way, which took us through Destin, Florida. Home of beautiful beaches, tourists, and shopping. It was Heather's idea to go shopping, which...let me just say...is a RARE RARE day when my little sugarplum wants to spend money. But shopping we went.
And we bought a little vacation to the Smoky Mountains. It was through BassPro, and they are going to try to sell us a timeshare, but we booked 2 nights, 3 days at a resort...for a total of $99 and we got 4 $25 gift cards to BassPro for doing so. We have been talking about getting away, from everything and everyone, for our Christmas present. And so the week of Christmas, before we go to my parents, we will go to Tennessee. I am super excited and hoping for snow. I can't wait to have nothing to do except...
you know :)
Heather also bought me a pair of jeans. She wanted to buy me a purse, or shoebooties (bc I say that all the time....try it. SHOEBOOTIE! It's just fun), or a pair of jeans.
I can't explain it, but it is really hard for me to let someone buy me something. Even if it IS my girlfriend. I don't want her to spend money on me. But, after a little lecture about how I shouldn't pass up the one time when she is like "buy something, get something"...we went to the Buckle for a pair of jeans.
I don't even know what size I wear when they are not size 12, 10, etc. So the cute little sales girl helped me out.
I ended up with a pair of 30's. Whatever that means. I will take a picture. They are officially the most expensive pair of jeans that I have ever owned. And for $104...I will make sure I don't outgrow those suckers.
It really was a great end to a great few days. More than anything, having time with someone you love is the best present ya know?
So back to the grind today. I have a feeling the month of December is going to fly by!
Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times.
Friday, November 19, 2010
First order of business, I would like to introduce you to the 3 pigs that live in our house. You have met some of these players before...but it will help with the story that is to follow.
Shelby. My Dog. Age 12. Nickname: Pappy or FooFoo
The Original Two Pigs: Codie and Honey May
Codie, pictured with Heather. Age 12. Nickname: Bubba
Honey May. Age 3. Nickname: Biatch
Regardless my fellow bloggers and stalkers, I share this with you. I have highlighted my favorite parts.
Events reveal people’s characters; They don’t determine them. Not everyone with divorced parents has terrible relationships. If two people are hit by a bus and crippled for life, one will become a bitter shut-in; the other, the kind of warm, outgoing person (cheerful despite everything) whom everyone loves to be with. It’s not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be, until you die.
Lying by omission or commission is a bad idea. I cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because I was brought up to be nice. And I’ve never figured out the nice way to say, "I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than to come to your house for dinner." But the meaningful lie, the kind that involves being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth hurts, but it doesn’t kill. Lying kills love.
Sex always gives you an answer, although not necessarily the one you want. It’s possible to have very good sex, a few times, with a person who shouldn’t be in your life at all. Have fun, and hide your wallet and your Blackberry. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that a grown man, however nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first five times you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man who is unkind to you, there be more of that; long after the sex in humdrum, the cruelty will be vivid.
Most talents are transferable. If you can raise toddlers and drive teenagers with relative calm, you can be a CEO. If you’re a good driver, you can probably steer a cab, fly a plane, captain a boat. My years as a waitress-serving food to demanding people in a high stress environment without losing my temper-served me equally well as a mother, a wife, and a short-order cook for my family. And if you have the teaching gene, you can teach anything. (I mean it. All you have to do is be on lesson ahead of your student. Sole meuniere, Latin and Greek, algebra-you can teach it!)
Fashion Fades; Style is Eternal. Not only do you not have to wear torn jeans, a barely-there tank top, and a fedora, but you probably shouldn’t. The point of fashion is to indulge briefly in something fun. The point of style is to have one-whether that’s a sheath and spike heels or slouchy jeans and your husband’s T-shirt-and it should last you a lifetime. All you have to do is think you deserve to look and feel your best and spend some time figuring out how to do it. Don’t know how? Find a woman whose style you admire and ask for a little advice.
You can’t fake love. Staying in a love relationship when love is not what you feel isn’t likely to end well. If you know that what you crave is security/disposable income/child care and not the person next to you in bed, do the right thing. It’s true that one can learn to love someone over time and often through difficult circumstances. But unless the two of you agree to wait until you’re old and all the storms have passed, in hope that love will kick in, it’s better to bail sooner rather than later.
Mean doesn’t go away. Some people get better looking with age; some don’t. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans and belittles you and speaks to you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go.
No one’s perfect. I knew that I wasn’t perfect; I just didn’t realize that this also applied to the people I fell in love with. The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing is not to look for someone flawless (which is why Elizabeth Taylor married eight times), but to look for someone who mix of strengths and liabilities appeals to you (which is why she married Richard Burton twice).
Ask for help. It’s possible you’ll get turned down. It’s even more likely that you’ll feel vulnerable and exposed. Do it anyway, especially if you are the helpful sort yourself. Those of us who like to offer assistance and hate to take any are depriving other people of the opportunity to be generous and kind; we are also binding ourselves to the reality of mutual dependence. You wouldn’t wear pink hot pants and pretend they were flattering. Don’t pretend you don’t need help.
Keep your eye on the prize and your hand on the plow. It’s easy to lose sight of what you want, especially if you haven’t gotten it. I know it’s less work to put the wish away, to pretend that the wish itself has disappeared. But it’s important to know what your prize is, because that is part of who you are. Whether it’s financial stability, two children, a collection of poetry, or a happy marriage, take Winston Churchill’s advice and never give in. Never give in. Never give in.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Basically I would like to sum this feeling up with one word: &^#(&*^#&*(^)*@@!
I wonder if it is my uncanny knack for pushing things deep inside that bother me...until they spill over. I wonder if I am premenstrual...and thus all doom and gloom. I wonder if perhaps the fact that I have barely been drinking water or eating anything nutritious is starting to affect my energy level.
I just don't know. Probably all of those things. A funk trifecta if you will.
So let me just bitch and moan, in hopes that it will be a cathartic release. And I do realize that my issues are minor in the grand scheme of life...and that some of you are dealing with huge things right now...so please don't think I really am pretending to be Chicken Little with my "sky is falling melodrama".
Moan #1: I just don't know how to feel about Christmas this year or how to approach it. I love Christmas. More than any holiday, more than my own birthday. And since I am not a religious person, Christmas has always just been a time of giving, family, love, Christmas lights, and all the goodies that one can list. I wouldn't care if I didn't get a single present...but I love to give them. I love my Christmas tree. I love laying in bed at night and seeing the glow from the Christmas lights on the house. I love Christmas parties and baking.
You get my drift.
But this year...I am struggling with the idea of decorating. I do plan on doing it. I want to hang the lights this weekend. But I am haunted by the fact that the house is not mine. Being in the house, at certain times, is anything but festive or peaceful (read: not because of Heather...but other things). So, do I put up my Christmas tree knowing that it will probably be resented? Do I put up my Christmas tree and lights knowing that our house won't be a place of festivities? I will I think. But my heart is weary. And so I have also thought..."Well Amy...can't you go one Christmas without the lights and tinsel?"
And yes. But I don't want to.
And to top it off, Heather doesn't really like Christmas. She doesn't like the stress of having to buy...It's just not a big thing to her.
So I feel like I will be celebrating and decorating only for myself. And that's sad. It makes me want to cry right now.
So. That's that.
I am tired and can't really figure out why. I do think that my lack of healthy, body fueling foods might be playing a part...and I am working on formulating a plan of attack. I will keep you posted.
Money is so tight right now. I wonder if I will always live paycheck to paycheck. I wish I could afford a pair of winter shoes or a winter coat. Right now...I have neither. And trust me...I don't mean that I couldnt find the money to buy a coat (it's not that bad), but it's hard to justify it when there are other things that take priority. It's a good thing I live in Florida huh?
I never got that fill. I am pretty glad I didn't. I am throwing up several times a day. It's really annoying. And it's not always bc I eat to fast or eat the wrong things. Maybe it is. Maybe I should go back to soups. I dont know!!!! I just don't know. But today I tried to eat a hamburger patty...knowing that I already felt stuck for some odd reason.
I ate it, knowing full well it would come back up.
And when it did, I ate some more...knowing that it too would come back up. And it did. All of it. That is unhealthy behavior. And not normal for me. But I just wanted to taste it. I just didn't care.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
So, we must have walked for at least 20 minutes with no sign of Mr. Squirrel. But on our way back...it happened. Far off in the thick, there was movement. So I snuck off. I saw the squirrel in a far off tree...it was haulin ass. And then...I shot.
Someone should have told me a shotgun kicks back into your shoulder! OUCH
And then Mr. Squirrel fell from the tree. I started yelling. I almost started crying. So Henry goes in looking for it and retrieves it.
And it was official. I was a killer.
I refused to look at it. All the way back I didnt even peep at it. I will have to tell you though. I wanted to shoot something else! (even though I felt a little bad...I kept telling myself that Mr. Squirrel was really a squirrel bully and I did the squirrel kingdom a favor).
Poor little guy. But Henry prepped it for eating. I would have tried it, but they werent cooking it until this week. Apparently squirrel is some good eating.
Now that I got that off my chest...
I also tried oysters for the first time. I don't eat seafood, and never really thought I could even swallow an oyster. But they found me a tiny one, plopped it on a cracker, and in my mouth it went.
Looks like me tequila face huh? Well. It went down. And honestly, the taste was not bad. It wasn't that fishy. It's just the texture that will get you!
Here is a picture of Clint and I (Heather's cousin, flight attendant, and Henry's older brother).
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
- The band is not a sure thing. There you go. Right up front and in your face. One of the first things my doctor ever told me...Some people do NOT lose any weight with the band.
- I believe that with the right surgeon, and by being an active participant in your WLS journey, the band will work.
- By active participant I mean: You have to get your fills, you have to try and make the right choices the majority of the time, you have to use your doctor and nutritionist, your support group and these blogs, to help keep you on track. There is no autopilot setting with the band.
- You have to believe in yourself. There will be times that you do doubt the surgery. There will be times that you might worry. But, from the beginning, the more you believe, the more you will achieve.
- The first rule of band club is there are no rules. You will find that every doctor has different rules to follow. You will find that one doctor says "NO pop EVER", and another doctor will say "Anything in moderation". You should use your doctors rules as guidelines. Find what works for you and your body. Just like every doctor, every patient is different as well.
- Sometimes you will fail your band. This might be with one meal, or it might be a two week bender of Halloween candy and wine. It happens. It happened to me many times. And then, one day, you wake back up, pull up your big girl panties (which are going to get a little saggy in the ass area), and get back on track.
- A cookie, four pieces of pizza, two entire bottles of wine...are not the end of the world.
- Your scale will begin to rule your world. This will let up...eventually. But not totally.
- If you eat too fast or do not chew, you will get to experience the dreaded PB. A productive burp is somewhere on the lower end of the throw up continuum, and includes but is not limited to: slime, rubber slobber, heaving, and chest pain. It's not as bad as it sounds. In fact, I think we bandsters, much like girl scouts, should have sashes we wear and get little badges for.
- Fills don't really hurt.
- You do not have to mourn the loss of food. Trust me...the food will still be there.
- You will eventually have to...EXERCISE. (please refer back to number one for WHY). You may be able to coast for awhile exercise free. But soon enough my friends, the plateau will find you. And you are going to have to up your game. It took me over a year to enjoy the benefits of working out enough to actually miss it when I skip a day. But find something you like...and move.
- There will be times when you aren't losing. Take your measurements. Take pictures.
- If you surround yourself with people that support you, encourage you, and feed your soul, this journey is a hell of a lot easier.
- Set goals. Work towards them.
- Be proud of yourself, everyday, for choosing to make a difference in your life and health.
- Try new things. As you start to shed your old self and create the new you, layer back up with experiences, tastes, and people...you have never tried before.
- Eating in your car is never really a good idea.
- Pooping ain't so easy post band.
- The band, much like life, is what you make it. So make it worth it.
Monday, November 8, 2010
I grabbed the dog leash and walked to Heather's truck to put it in there for her. I noticed her drivers side door was ajar. I opened her door to find her center console and glove compartment open, and all the contents scattered around the cab. I saw two nicely folded pair of pants (that had been in my laptop bag with my laptop) sitting on her drivers seat.
Sure enough, someone broke into our cars...and the only thing they took was my laptop.
Oh my laptop. My laptop that was buried under clothes in the backseat of her darkly window tinted truck. My laptop that I almost brought inside last night, but then decided I didnt need it.
My laptop that links me to blogland.
The one that contains all of my pictures from the last five years of my life. Including my weight loss pictures.
Blah. That is really the only part that makes me sad...is the loss of my pictures. Pictures are so important to me. And just the other day I was thinking how I should back them up. Damn. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda. And I do have a majority of my pictures on Facebook or my iPhone, so I can save them again...
It's just sad.
But it is what it is.
Funny thing is, is that my laptop is a crapper. It's 5 years old, and the screen only works if I use a hardware clip to hold it together. And that's the only thing they took! They didnt take the $100 pair of sunglasses, the cash in the coin holder, our discs for disc golf. It could have been worse. They could have damaged Heather's new truck, or got her wallet (which is usually in the truck most of the time...NOT ANYMORE OF COURSE).
So let us learn from this. Backup your pictures, put a password protect on your laptop, and don't leave anything valuable in your damn car.
With that said, I had a pretty good week managing my eating behavior and I lost 6.5 pounds. I am at 166 this fine morning (fine except for the theft of course).
Yesterday Maria and her husband George were in town, so we all had brunch at a very nice restaurant on the water. It was yummy. It is so great when Heather meets other bandsters, other women who say and think the way I do about food. And it's funny bc when Maria was talking about eating food that she knows is going to get stuck, Heather will just pat my leg and say "sounds familiar". As soon as Maria posts some pics, I will steal them and post them on here.
Oh. It's not nice to steal.
Lest the world has forgotten.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Now. How about that for an opening? Usually I try to bury my good cuss words like 'shit' deep in a post, but not today my fair lovelies. Today it's balls to the wall.
So. Amy's in trouble. I KNOW. I KNOW. You have already lectured me after Mr. Hamburger and the yummy incident, but I do not blame La Burger for what has happened.
You see, first I would like to play a game. We were watching Hoarders last night, and the lady didnt like for the counselor to say she was 'hoarding'. Instead, she liked to have it referred to as "collecting".
OOOOH, so we get to name our disorders anything we want to make ourselves feel better? Goody. Let's play.
What shall I be?
Lifer in the Fatlane?
Anywhoozle, I have gained several pounds. Please refer to the ticker to verify. I am sitting at 172.5. Technically, I don't know what that works out to. I know one day probably over a month ago I saw 163.5 on the scale, but it was a fluke. I was hovering around 167 for a long time, so I am at least up 5.5 pounds...possibly more.
And it's not the end of the world.
It's not all doom and gloom.
But it doesnt make me feel peppy and like I want to throw glitter on the floor and rub my well oiled body all over it. You dig?
So it's time to do something. Thank God I am working out 5 days a week...at least I can feel good about that. Although I think I am addicted to making my muscles bigger, which means I am a Steakhead (like meathead), and don't know how to stop lifting heavy...
But I have been giving some thought to a few things. First, To Fill or Not to Fill. ooh, that's the million dollar question with us bandsters yes? Because there are some things a fill probably wont help with. Things like Snickers, pop, cheese...the good stuff. BUT, there are somethings a fill would help with. HUNGER is numero uno. I am actually physically hungry within an hour of eating 7 chick-fil-a chicken nuggets. And with proper restriction, I should be able to go longer.
Can't I just do it without a fill? This is a question I ask myself. The answer is NOT SO MUCH!
But you know...here is the thick of it. I am going to try to write this as coherently as possible.
When I was losing weight and taking names, when I had my most restrictive restrictiveness (that sounded fun), food was a different experience. I had to be careful what I ate in the morning, and I was rather limited. Things like a pancake, muffin, cereal, toast, etc...were off the table for me (literally). Lunch was usually soup, chili, or something hamburger based that I had made. I ate small portions. Dinner took awhile to eat. No rushing could be had. I had to cut my food and chew well.
That is not how I eat these days. I have grown accustom to eating with a little less care now. I push the limits. Yesterday I actually stopped at McDonalds for breakfast!!!!! And ordered...get this...cinnamelt, a side of sausage, and a large REGULAR coke. The cinnamelt and sausage...I couldnt eat much of. Thank you band. But I drank the Coke. But restricted Amy would have never even thought about putting a fluffy moist cinnamon covered bread product in her mouth. I have been eating cupcakes from this gourmet cupcake store. Restricted Amy couldnt have eaten one. I have been eating more bread products. I can eat cereal again. I know that the point of the band isnt to eliminate foods, but I need it too. I can't be trusted with certain foods. I know this.
And that's okay.
So I will get a fill.
But this does mean I am going to have to return to eating like a bandster. Softer, easier foods. Slower, more thorough chewing. More water. Vitamins. Good things. But I need help to get back there. And I will use my band for that. It will be a good refresher for me. It will be good to go back. Because my habits now are not the good ones that helped me become Amy 2.0.
So there it is.
My non-plan. Or my plan.
Whichever...I wanted you to be a part of it.
To be continued...
And one also wonders, and fears, if the answer is: NEVER. We will never be free of the fight.
So. Okay. I have been fighting the battle for, let's say, over 25 years. And some of you have been fighting it for much longer than that. And now...we are winning. I would consider myself on the winning side. But it's still a fight.
And mommy no likey.
Did anyone catch Oprah yesterday? Portia de Rossi was on, pitching her new book and talking about her battle with anorexia and bulimia. It was interesting to watch, made me cry a little, open my eyes a little, roll my eyes a little, and made me think.
The Part That Opened My Eyes
She was reading an excerpt from her book about how after eating some yogurt, she felt horrible and fat, and she would look at herself in the mirror and call herself horrible, hateful things. It was a long list of words like fat, worthless, ugly, lazy, etc. Heather was watching with me and she said "Dang"...which made me think that she thought it was pretty extreme what Portia was saying about herself. To me...all I was thinking was...that sounds familiar. And I wasn't ready to have the discussion out loud yet, but I want (and will) ask Heather..."Don't you talk to yourself in your head like that sometimes?" Because...don't you? I just thought we all did. I certainly do. When I am really inside my head (I like to say that bc it sounds better than saying 'when I am really beating myself up') I say horrible things to me...about me. I say them because at the time, I want myself to feel terrible. I want to be wrapped in misery. I think I am trying to make myself accept the fact that I am all of those horrible things...because if I could accept the fact...then I could just get on with it.
In otherwords...if I am fat, ugly, lazy, loud, stupid, and therefore unworthy of love...and if I accept it...I could stop looking for it.
But I know that I am not those things. I know that most of the time anyways. But I wanted you to know that even shiny bright Amy talks shit about herself.
The Part That Made Me Roll My Eyes
Portia, with her 5'8" frame, starved herself down to 86 pounds. During her recovery, she went up to 167. And that is when she met Ellen. If you have seen Portia these days, she ain't no 167. She is pretty damn thin. Oprah asked her what she does now. Her answer...She lives an active life and walks her dogs.
I also had a problem with the fact that she said when she starved herself down to skeleton state, it showed how much discipline and self-control she had. And she still seemed proud of that. Which I think sends a terrible message to the women watching and now wanting...to have that same "self-control".
I did enjoy though when she was talking about how several years ago she was the face of Loreal makeup and she went for a photoshoot. They had all of these skirts for her to try on...in a size 4. All of them, over 15 skirts, were too tight and didnt fit. The director yelled "No one told me she was a size 8!!!" Oprah said, "Shoot, size 8 is my goal size".
Everything is relative.
The Part That Made Me Cry
Honestly didn't have anything to do with weight. It had to do with her coming out, the recent suicides of gay kids, and taking Ellen's last name. I will say here on this blog, because I never really said thank you...Thank You.
When I first told all of you about Heather, do you know that I didn't get ONE negative email or comment? I don't know if I lost any followers, I know that the next day the number of people following me actually increased. But I was ready for whatever anyone wanted to say. And every comment or email you sent me was nothing but supportive.
And what made me think of that is because Portia said if more people would come out and be who they are, less people would feel ashamed and hate themselves.
She also officially changed her last name to Degeneres...and Oprah asked her why that was important. And she explained, through tears, the importance of marrying the person you love, of becoming part of them.
And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that right now, in the state of Florida and I think 42 other states, I cannot marry the person I love. I could go change my last name I suppose, but that's not really the point. I think that it must be a good quality I possess that I believe that people are better than that. I forget that people think that because I love someone built the same as me, I do not deserve the same rights. I can't put on a pretty white dress, wear a pretty diamond, write my vows, and legally be bound to her.
Times are changin. I know. It still is hard.
And I know some of you are probably thinking...who in the hell wants to be married anyways?
OOOOH....MEEEE! Don't you remember Barbie and her little ring that poked through her plastic webbed fingers? The one you would lose just about as quickly as you would lose her little pink high heels or the damn Barbie hairbrush? Barbie and Ken weddings were a big deal in my Barbie table (I didnt have a barbie house, my dad built me a "barbie desk" instead...I will find you the picture).
Anyways...I guess it wouldnt be a Barbie Ken wedding would it? hahah...it's Barbie and Barbie now baby!
So there you go, a post about Oprah, lesbians, and food. A trifecta if you ask me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
So, as you may remember, I was fretting over the Halloween weekend activities. I was nervous for the big Halloween grown up lesbian soiree'. I was feeling a little fat and bloated, and who wants to be fat and bloated when you are supposed to be naughty school teacher. But I sucked it up (and in), pulled up my big girl power panties, and got dressed. Heather was teacher's pet, complete with the dog leash and collar. Getting into the truck, sitting, and breathing was a task for me, but one must make sacrificies. After a few blueberry beers (Wild Blue...have you had these? They are like 9 % alcholo and yummy) it's a little hard to walk in 5 inch heels. But I did ladies and gentlemen. I did indeed. Here are the shoes.
We had a really good time. I didn't fall over. Someone told me she wanted to be my cougar. I call that a successful evening.
Earlier that day, we did the Pensacola Mall to Mall Walk for breast cancer. It's a little over 3 miles and not a race...just a walk. It was nice to be with people from work, early on a Saturday morning, doing something for others.
And what shirt is more fitting than our BOOBS tee?
Halloween night we sat up in the driveway, complete with chairs, beer, tiki torches, and chocolate to pass out to the kiddies. We didnt have lots of trickers, but we were able to chat it up with the neighbors....I was making new friends. Secretly I am planning a Christmas block party in my mind.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
- Do you ever get stuck and find that when you fart...it eases the pain just a little? No? Me neither.
- Do you ever look at your hand held shower head and think of the possibilities? No? Me neither.
- Do you ever imagine that the button in your car for your hazard lights is really a button that once pushed, launches a missile from under your car, blowing up the car in front of you? No? Me neither.
- Does Martha Stewart ever make you feel like your a domestic failure because you don't know how to use a jig saw to make a relief portrait of an owl on your pumpkin? No? Me neither.
- Do you ever hate wearing a thong for the simple fact that you must be a meticulous wiper? No? Me neither.
- Do you still fear that a good nostril clearing sneeze might also clear your bladder? Just a wee bit? No? Me neither.
- Do you ever just feel like standing on a table in the middle of your office with a sign that says UNION...just like Norma Ray? No? Me neither.
- Do you ever have a naughty dream and wake up so horny, that you want to sit on your partners face without even waking them up? No? Me neither.
- Do you ever think you should have more boundaries in what you post about on your blog? No? Me neither!
Monday, October 25, 2010
But I guess I was surprised because I didnt really care that much about the couple pounds I was up, or the fact that I have not been eating well lately.
And then it happened...
Amy had to stop and say...wait...SHOULD you care? WHY don't you care? Maria sent me a FB message basically asking me what was going on...
And this is a list of possibilities:
1. It could be that I am not freaking out because I have a consistent pattern (is that a double positive?) of going off the grid once in awhile and getting back on.
2. It could be that I am just tired. Tired of thinking about making the right choices.
3. Perhaps, there is nothing to worry about at all. This is just life. Just a brief moment in my eating life that will come back around.
or 4. (here comes the deep thought). I have said before that for me, eating and binging, was very much like the "control" aspect of anorexia or bulimia. When I felt powerless in my life, I could "control" how much I ate. The difference being of course, I was controlling the amount by NOT eating or by puking after a binge, I was controlling the amount by choosing to put large amounts of crap food in my body. I could choose to hit every fast food restaurant. I could choose to eat oreos and ice cream for breakfast. If I felt out of control with my finances, my work, my relationships...
I could eat. I was the boss of eating a lot.
I know that for most people, they would say, "Well, if you were overeating, you were OUT of control." But I want you to really think about it.
So when Maria asked me if there was something going on in my life that might have spurred this change in food choices, it was an eye opener because I think she is right.
The month of October was been a tough month for me, although you really wouldn't have noticed it on my blog. I am good at talking about my highs and lows as they relate to this band journey, but seldom talk about real life stressors. Usually though, I don't have real life stressors that hang around for very long. Usually I can squash those feelings or thoughts within 24 hours. I have been having a time at squashing them.
And because of this...I don't sleep much anymore. I go to my teary place rather quickly. I am super touchy and a little needy.
I don't like it. I don't like being that Amy. It's not my norm. And I know that I can choose my attitude. At least I think I can.
So perhaps all of these things have led me back to eating whatever I want. But at the same time, I don't feel like I am standing on that proverbial cliff...and that I am about to freefall back to fatland. I don't. Because I know I won't. Things are getting better. This weekend fueled me with good gas (eloquently put yes?). I feel a little lost at times...but not all that wander are lost.
And while I almost NEVER blog about work, I will say that currently...things are a little disappointing in that area. And this quote I put on facebook the other day pretty much sums up where I am at professionally, "She packed up her potential, and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes and headed out to change a few things."
So there you have it. The "non" story behind the meat. And nots to worry my little care takers...I tried to eat a hamburger on Saturday...and no ma'am. My band wasn't having it.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
That was pretty much the end though.
I ate an entire hamburger, with a bun, at a relatively quick pace...and I could have eaten more. It was exciting bc I have missed eating a hamburger more than anything else...but it was a clear indicator that I do indeed need a fill.
What I went on to say in the video, because I talked forever before I realized it wasnt recording, is that I need Dr. Friedman to make a blogger account...possibly with screenname HotDoc (just a suggestion), and he can tell me when he will be back from leave so I can go get a fill asap.
Because not only can I eat practically what I want, I am hungry again. Real hunger! And I am up at least 5 pounds. Which isnt horrible, and isnt real fat weight...but still.
And here is the real issue I wanted to bring up. Once you get to goal weight, or look like you are "normal", people will start to say... "So, you gonna have it taken out now?" or "You don't need it anymore right?" OR "Well, you don't need a fill. You can just watch what you eat". This is true...I could try.
But I am going to tell ya'll something...
I didn't have weight loss surgery to "tough it out". I had weight loss surgery because I have a problem. And although I have lost 160 pounds, I STILL have a problem. And yes...I know better and I do better...
But my friends...now that I know I can eat a hamburger...do you know what I want?
So, I will continue to use my band as the incredible tool it is. BUT...until I get that fill...I am going to enjoy myself!
Spank me if you must. But judge not.