Thursday, July 30, 2009
Welcome all newly banded, soon to be banded, or bandsters new to the site. I was thinking this morning, now that I am a little over 3 months out, I could share some information with those of you just beginning your journey. Some of this is kinda common sense, and some of it is info I wish I had understood better before the band.
1. before get very far into your journey, take some measurements. I forgot to do this and now I wish I had my beginning measurements. This is good, bc sometimes when the scale is not moving...you are still losing inches! SO MEASURE YOURSELF!
2. Take some before pictures. I take pictures all the time, but I know some people hate the way they look presurg. But you will wish you had some before pictures after you start losing :) It's only going to get better afterall!
3. This is really important. And I didnt have a clear grasp on it before surgery. After surgery, and after you heal...you will still be hungry. AND most likely, you will still be able to eat whatever whenever you want. The period after banding and before you first fill is referred to as BANDSTER HELL. It's hell because you have to rely on willpower. What's that you say? I know I know...if we were good at "dieting" then we wouldnt need the band. But for a few weeks at least, prepare yourself to practice restraint. Just bc you can eat it...don't.
4. Know that after surgery, and when you start to eat mushies and real food. Your weight loss will probably stop for a week or so. Your body is going from a really low calorie liquid diet to actual food. It needs time to adjust. So dont get discouraged or give up. Hold on, watch what you eat...and more importantly...start moving.
5. Which brings me to this one. Exercise. It doesnt have to be anything huge! I started walking and I HATE walking. But I set a goal for myself. I wanted to do a 5k. I started walking 1 mile. The next week I added 1/2 a mile and so on. In March, 2 months after my surgery I did my first 5k. Is was a nonscale victory (NSV). Exercising will help your scale start moving again, and even when it appears you arent dropping pounds, you are changing the shape of your body.
6. Start a blog. It's pretty easy. Blogger is one great one. The link to my blog is in my signature. If you go check it out, you will see all of the other ladies that blog. Blogging or reading blogs lets you get to know fellow bandsters on a more personal level and see progress and share experiences.
7. When you go to your doctor ASK QUESTIONS! That's what they are there for...and that's what we (or our insurance) is paying them for.
8. Realize that all doctors are different. You will learn that really quickly on this site. We all have different instructions.
9. Dont be afraid to call and ask your doc if you can change something, move to the next phase sooner..etc. All they can do is tell you know.
10. FILLS! Most of us dont feel any restriction after our first fill. I didnt feel anything until my 3rd fill. My doc is pretty aggressive with fills, if that's what his patients want. I had 4ccs my first fill. I called back bc it didnt do anything for me and went in 2 weeks later for my second fill. He gave me 1.5cc's. Still didnt feel much so I called and went back in one week later and got .5cc's. That has held me for over a month now.And finally.
11. Love yourself! Dont be ashamed of the band. It is a TOOL. You DO have to work at it. You CAN cheat it. IT IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT! Be proud of who you are and who you are becoming!
Hope some of this helps!--Amy
lol...you have to laugh....but seriously? This is the thank you card you give to a big girl who has had WLS? A picture of a big fat girl "happily dying of chocolate"?
Knock Knock Puddin' Head!
Sorry I can't do side by sides. I am at work and the program I usually use lives at home. Next is a face shot from November. I was easily knocking 327. Compared to a faceshot from this weekend.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I sit in meetings and look around and wonder. I don't see any Twiggies or Heidi Klums, but I see others smaller than me. I have to ask myself, "What control do these people have that is lacking in me?" I don't have the answer.
I was sitting in the car the other day waiting on Tracey to come out of the store. This tiny little thing, probably a size 4, came walking out and suddenly it all struck me as very funny. I have a damn band around my stomach to help me lose weight, yet this girl can just do it! Just be tiny! And what is even better is that even WITH weight loss surgery, I will probably never be as tiny as her.
I know that I have the power to make healthy choices. I have lost 80 pounds in six months. But I also know that sometimes I can't find my self control. It's like "control" took a flight to the Florida Keys for a week of snorkeling & margaritas!
Ah...I feel better now! Happy Thursday ya'll!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
"Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, a loss of a job...And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spit of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another-that is surely the basic instinct...Crying out: High Tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is."~Barbara Kingsolver
Monday, July 27, 2009
There is a new reality show called More To Love coming on tomorrow night on FOX. Here it is in a nutshell. It is The Bachelor for fat people. But it is more then that. The first time I saw the commercial...poor Tracey....I just started going off on a rant. I used to love watching The Bachelor, but I used to hate that in the group of 25 women...there were NEVER any big girls. Not a one. Basically it was 23 skinny white chicks with one Asian girl and maybe one African American girl thrown in so they could say they had a "diverse" group. No fluffy girls though.
So I guess that Fox thinks is the right thing to do. Make a show with JUST big girls. And do you know what their "bachelor" looks like? He is fat too! For my friends not in the US, click on that link above. He is a decent looking guy...but seriously?
It is like they are saying the only kind of guys that can love fat girls are fat guys! What should have happened is that ABC should start putting some girls with some sort of body fat on their Bachelor show. I get that it's a catch 22. If Fox would have put a tall, dark and handsome "thin" guy on there...it would have looked staged and he would have been labeled a chubby chaser. I guess they shouldnt have even made this damn show!
Needless to say I won't be watching. I also don't respond very well to watching fellow fuller sisters cry about how they can't find love because they are fat. I don't believe that. I didnt believe that when I was single either. That is an excuse.
What I WOULD like to know is where all these girls got their cute dressy dresses? HMMM?
On second thought, maybe I will watch to see if they show them in swimsuits and doing the "normal" things that they do on the Bachelor. I just dont know if I can do it.
The last two were our professional "prom" pictures taken at the event. I love them. Tracey cleans up so nice. Those are his pants we had to have taken in. They were a 30 waist and he needed a 28...and turns out your cant find them. It's funny shopping and not finding clothes SMALL ENOUGH. For me it is the opposite problem. Some of you have asked and yes...my mans really just weighs 136. Although he gained 4 pounds too this weekend...so now he is a fatty at 140!
The reunion was fine. I smiled and told jokes and did my best to serve as arm candy. Mission accomplished. Saturday night we went to a less formal gathering at a local bar.
All I can say about high school reunions is....they are not for me. I didnt go to my 10 year...and I wouldnt have even if I lived in Kansas. I dont talk to a single person from high school...except on Facebook and that doesnt count. I loved high school. But, I dont want to catch up. I also understand that is just me, and at least I could support Tracey.
The bandster family.
I gained 4 pounds over the course of this long weekend. hahhahah 4 pounds! Ladies...I just don't know how you can gain 4 pounds so damn fast when it takes so long to lose them. Oh wait...yes I do....
Sunkist (fully loaded, not diet, I drank 2 cans).
drink your water
make healthy choices
damn. But now the parents are gone, and all the snacks are gone too. I am back at work, drinking my water, not snacking, planning my meals, and going to workout. I am not upset. I will lose it this week I hope.
But here is the alarming thought....
I have pretty good restriction. When I eat the proper food (protein meats, etc) I get full and sometimes get stuck. But...the band doesnt do much for all the junk. If I can gain 4 pounds in as many days WITH the band...it just goes to show that this is not the easy way out! So take that nay-sayers! But with THAT said...do you ever wonder if the band is more placebo than anything?
For sure I wouldnt have lost 84...oops...80 pounds in 6 months if not for the surgery. And yes the band stops me from overeating at meals. And I love Tina...no doubt...dont regret it for a second...but sometimes I wonder. We know the band doesnt work for everyone. So does it come down to believing in the band? Or believing in yourself? Or both?
Ouch-this makes my head hurt. Too much thinking for a Monday! Just wanted to share!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Someone recently asked me about food. What do I do now in relation to food. How do I deal with my emotions if I can no longer use food as my crutch. This was a difficult question for me to answer. I remember people asking me this before surgery as well...and I couldnt answer it then. So I thought I would turn it over to you guys and maybe you can help me and this other blogger with some of your ideas.
Now Oprah the Wise says that we all eat for a reason, not just because we love food. I have given much thought to this over the years. I have never been the kind of person who pigged out when I was sad. I am not Bridget Jones, I dont grab a tub of ice cream while singing All By Myself. I dont/didnt necessarily eat when I was stressed. I just ate all the time. Nowadays I totally recognize I eat when I am bored. I want to fill the time by munching on yummy things.
Food wasnt really my friend. I didnt eat to get fat because so I would feel safe. I just ate. And I ate like it was going out of style. I ate like I grew up during the depression or the great potato famine.
So I dont know Oprah. Maybe the "why" I ate is so deeply buried in my psyche...that I need therapy to figure it out. But, you know how they also say that we replace on addiction with another? I don't know if I have. I don't know how or when it happened, but my relationship with food has and is slowly changing.
It is a tough thing to explain when I dont really understand it myself, but it goes a little something like this. During my pre-op diet that initial burst of weight loss felt so good! I was like YES! and my doctor was very upfront with me and told me that it is possible that the band may not work...so I was motivated to make sure it did. And the weight starting coming off. I got to 20 pounds, and wanted 30. I got to 30 pounds and wanted 40. I worked on choosing food that would give me something...satiety, nutrition, protein, etc. And somewhere along the line, this has started to become the norm. My habits changed. Obviously I still eat naughty from time to time (ie donuts and cheetos last night), but things are different.
So what about you guys?
Ironically, my joy of cooking has grown with the band. I watch the food network like a crazy person. I love to try new recipes. I love to cook and even cook yummy desserts. I get some enjoyment out of watching others enjoy food. Odd? Perhaps?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
She is in the pre-op phase. Oh the joys of that!
I dont really have the money to go shopping, but I did anyways! I am a throw caution to the wind kind of girl. I still need to go to Catherines to look for the Right Fit pants...maybe this weekend.
I bought 2 pairs of slacks that were on clearance. Not my fave, but only $12.50 each...so they will do. They are regular length, and although someday I will be as tall as Nene...until then I really need short length or else I have man crotch going on. But, I also got 2 great pair of Bermuda shorts. One black cotton and the other jean material. I dont usually condone jean shorts for my body, but these are a slim cut (a slim cut size 20 is kinda an oxymoron yes?). They are cute. Not too tight (no muffin top), but should hopefully still fit me in a month and a half when we go on the cruise.
I have Friday off. We are taking our house guests to the beach and then the good old 25 year high school reunion (Tracey's not mine...I just had my 10 year and did not go)! We will take pictures of course.
Is it the weekend yet?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
- I drink tons of water a day. Probably on average...120 ounces at least. It has a placebo effect for me and I feel better with each bottle.
- I have gotten better at saying no to the junk. When my five little fingers hover ever so gently over the oreo package or pringles can...I can now stop and ask myself "Amy...what will this do for you? Does it help you reach your goal? Will it give you anything nutritionally?" And if the answer is no...I can walk away (more often then not).
- I eat loads more fruits and veggies then pre-band. I eat fruit 3-4 times a day.
- I rarely eat fast food.
- I bring my lunch to work everyday.
- I eat my protein first.
- I take my vitamins.
- I weigh myself everyday, and no longer get discouraged if the scale doesnt move EVERYDAY in the right direction...because I know it will soon.
- I can share my story with others.
- I cook with healthier ingredients.
- When I shop, I dont even buy junk bc I know if it is in the house...I will be tempted.
Here are some good things I do in life:
- I love with my whole heart.
- I make people laugh.
- I am creative and childish at times...which makes me a fav with kids.
- I swim like a mermaid. You wouldn't expect such a big girl to have that kind of endurance.
- I love to give.
- Even though I talk A LOT...I am a great listener.
- I am a pretty good cook, and thanks to the Food Network...I am getting better.
- I try not to get bogged down with the "what ifs" in life bc life is do damn unpredictable that what we worries about never happens and what we never think about always does!
- I am flexible (physically).
- I am a good daughter.
- I am quick and witty.
Here are some things that I could improve on. Just because I believe in full disclosure:
- I could exercise more.
- I have a tendency to not say what is really bothering me...and then I harvest it inside until it comes out like a 5-headed dragon ready to devour flesh.
- I can get stuck in "my way is the right way and only way mentality".
- I tend to settle (I am thinking professionally)
- I can't spell. LOL...I blame spell check. I was great in elementary school...damn computers!
- I should wear more sunscreen.
- I have let the best friendship in the world drift apart.
- Sometimes my mouth needs a filter for my brain.
Well there you go. Now...who is next? (you share what YOU are good at)
Will our weight always be on our brains? Does it have to be to stay healthy? Doesn't it seem all a little overwhelming at times?
Monday, July 20, 2009
The only difference was that I didnt spray stuff on them to see if they turned purple...wait...that tests for blood.
Sigh...I guess I need more time in the crime lab.
Have you noticed any extra skin since your weight loss? I am 84 pounds down today and not really. Granted I am still 243 (I feel like I am fibbing when I type that), and could see some when (NOT IF) I lose more weight...but I thought by this point my stomach would be a mess. So far so good!
Strawberry Whipped Sensation
Servings: Makes 12
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 6 hours
Total Time: 6 hours 20 minutes
4 cups fresh strawberries, divided
1 (14-ounce) can EAGLE BRAND® Sweetened Condensed Milk (NOT evaporated milk)
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 (8-ounce) tub COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, thawed, divided
8 OREO Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, finely chopped
1 tablespoon butter, meltedDirections
Line 8x4-inch loaf pan with foil. In large bowl, mash 2 cups of strawberries. Stir in EAGLE BRAND®, lemon juice and 2 cups of COOL WHIP; pour into pan.
In small bowl, combine cookie crumbs and butter; press cookie crumbs into top of mixture. Cover.
Freeze at least 6 hours. To serve: invert onto plate. Remove foil. Frost with remaining COOL WHIP. Slice remaining strawberries and place on top of COOL WHIP. Store leftovers covered in freezer.
Anyways...I had to work and teach a class on Saturday, so yesterday was my only real day off. I did take pictures bc I take official progress pictures every 20 pounds and hadnt done so when I hit 80lbs...I am working on editing them so they are side by sides...easier for comparison. So you to answer your question Catherine, I can never make the pictures side by side in blogger...I have to use a photo editing software to make a panorama. I will work on those this evening and hopefully get them up :)
I lost 3 more pounds this week. Remember I told you that I was trying to follow the Secret rules and say only positive things in regard to my weight loss. I said I was going to lose 2 pounds. I didnt say I might, or I would try. I just kept saying that and "believing" it...and according to the book...this makes you really believe it and makes turns your positive thoughts into actions. :) Sound like whooey to you? lol....
SO...I will lose 2 pounds this week.
I will lose 2 pounds this week.
Oooh, I am so skinny.
I am soooo skinny.
I am a millionaire.
I am a millionaire.
(Is it working yet?)
Friday, July 17, 2009
When I posted this I am guessing I was about 40 pounds down. I also thought I looked pretty good! Now I see this and say holy slug bucket! I start to pick at different things...my belly, by pants being too big. But at the time...I thought I was pretty hot! I didnt pick myself apart. As you all know, I post pictures of myself on here in various states of undress...from bikini, swimsuits, workout clothes, etc. When I am in the moment, I feel pretty good about myself. Do you think this is some sort of self protective mechanism? I don't untag myself in pictures on Facebook. I guess I figure if someone took the picture of me...they already know what I really look like! Now if I was buck naked riding a saw horse while knitting...I MAY untag myself...but I would have to think real hard about that!
I have always loved having my picture taken. Perhaps the case of denial I had/have is one of the many things that let me get to 327.
Everything is relative. When I think about me starting at 327...(148 kg) when I was there I didnt feel huge. Fat yes, a big whale...not really. Odd. But that leads me to picking a goal weight and how I feel about BMI's.
My doc didnt set a goal weight for me. Never discussed it. I just picked 170 out of thin air bc it sounded far enough away from 200. I have only ever been as small as 209 in my adult life, and I liked my body at that weight. Not at the time of course, but looking at pictures now it wasnt bad. That is a size 18 for me...close to a size 16. So I picked 170 thinking that maybe it is a size 12/14. I want to be out of plus sizes. I want to feel healthy. I want a "nice" body and for me that can include some cushion, just not rolls.
To be out of the overweight category according to a BMI scale, I have to weigh about 135. ahahahahahaha.....lol..hahahahah....no I can't imagine that ever happening. I don't care if it really does. For me, my BMI number is a sad representation of me. It takes in no account of my muscle to fat ratio. I had to google the scale since some many peeps are talking about it lately.
What I am trying to get at...I can't imagine myself 170. I can't imagine myself "normal", or thin. I keep waiting for the weight loss to stop for good. For those of you who have always been "fluffy", can you really picture yourself not fat?
Just my deep thoughts for the week! Love you guys!
I had to stop at Walmart on the way home. I hate this particular Walmart and was thinking about the scary people that sometimes make googly eyes at me. That made me think of the military boys from the base down the road, and I was thinking about what if they made a mean comment about me....like a fat comment. What would I do? I thought that if they did (this has never happened to me, but I was playing "what-ifs") if they said something mean to me I would take a picture of their face with my cell phone. When they would ask me why, I would say "So you can remember what your nose looked like before"...and they would say "before what?" And I would say "Before this..." and I would punch the mean boy in his nose and break it.
ANYWOOOO, this imaginary story got me thinking of the 2 times I have been involved in a fight...once was in 9th grade when this girl was talking smack on me and I punched her. The other time was in 8th grade and I was at a party. There was this horrible nasty bully there who was a super slut. She hated me bc...well...cuz I was me I guess. I was sitting on a table, being cool, listening to the song Informer by Snow (do you remember him?) and she told me I should go on weight watchers.
I told her she should go on ho-watchers. I thought this was so clever and was laughing when a bright light reverberated inside my brain and out my eye sockets. When I could see again I realized she has slapped me. I kept laughing. She left.
I have never been in a fight in my adult life but in my mind I am a legend and am pretty sure I could take a bi*&^. No hair pulling either. I have seen Million Dollar Baby. I teach self defense at work. But at the end of the day...I am a lover not a fighter and would probably just come back with some witty comment and then go and cry in the bathroom.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Can you see the little tiny bumps/pimples on my forehead in that picture? HMMM...not good and this is a new development. I am running out of my face meds and have a dermatologist appt scheduled next month...so I will ask her what is up.
Also, I am taking a new multi vitamin. I started with Flintstone chewables. Gross. Then moved to Flintstone gummies...but if you remember they were not enough for one or two, so I would take 4 and had poopy problems...like...there was none. So, I ran out and didnt get more of those. Then I bought these.
When I heard softgel I was picturing something small and round. Instead...I got this big boy.
That is a horse pill for a girl who isnt even supposed to be swallowing pills!
It goes down just fine though. But since I have started taking them again, along with my prenatals I was taking for hair loss....well.....things have slowed down in the pipes again. I prob need to stop taking the prenatals, but I love what they do for my nails. I heard that I can get vitamins just for hair and nails and those probably would contain too much iron, etc that seems to be stopping me up!
I know you were dying to know! lol....
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Pro's for getting a fill:
I can eat more now then after my last fill
I can eat a little faster then I probably should be able too
A little, just a little more restriction would be nice
I get to check in with the doc and wow him with my progress and listen as he tells me I am the best patient ever and Lapband wants me to tour the world promoting for them and I am going to become a millionaire (ah...if only)
Con's for getting a fill:
I have to pay $45. I don't want to if I dont really need one.
I risk getting overfilled and then having to go in for an unfill (aka another $45)
I am still losing
I stay pretty satisfied from meal to meal, and getting a fill wouldnt help with my headhunger and cravings for junkfood anyways
I wouldnt be too tight for the cruise
If I don't go on Aug 4th, I probably won't go until Sept....and then what if that is too long?
Holy Donald Trump, I just looked at my calendar again and my fill is not until Aug 17th! In that case...I will keep it.
I should delete this whole post but then you wouldnt be privy to the workings of my brain!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Now who I am I to argue?
I love my parents!
1. Get 5 people to register for the National Marrow Donor Program
I checked it out and I have registered. A cheek swab kit is on the way. I have thought about it before, but have never really looked into what it takes. I try to donate blood every 6 weeks, and I am an organ donor...so why not this? True that if selected there is a possibility they may harvest the marrow from my pelvic bone (I think), and that would require possible anesthesia, but...if I took knock out juice to have WLS, I think I can risk knock out juice to help someone else. According to the website:
There are two ways to donate. The majority of donations do not involve surgery. The patient's doctor most commonly requests a peripheral blood stem cell (PBSC) donation, which is non-surgical and outpatient. If the patient's doctor requests marrow, marrow donation is a surgical procedure, usually outpatient.
So thanks Lacey for turning me on to this! I will let you know how it evolves!
Monday, July 13, 2009
I lost 6.5 pounds last week. hahaha...I have no idea how that happened. But I will take it. Some of that was the 2.5 pounds I had put on over the holiday, so prob some water weight and such! That puts me at 81 pounds officially. I wanted 80 pounds by my bandiversary in a few weeks, and 90 pounds by Sept. 3 (before the cruise). In typical fashion though, I seem to slow down for a few weeks after a nice loss...but, me even typing that goes against the rules of the Secret (have you read it yet?), so instead I will say...I WILL lose 2 pounds this week!
We hung drywall this weekend. Some parts of the house have been in different levels of rebuild for over 15 years. Now that Tracey feels motivated again and now that I push (just a gentle push), we are slowly making changes. If only money grew on trees!
OH NO! Where are my Safety Glasses?
Friday, July 10, 2009
First, let me update you on my clothing situation. I am doing good with tops. I have purchased probably 7-8 new tops over the last couple of weeks, both for work and for home. But I am having such a time finding bottoms for either work or home. Do you know how Lane Bryant has "right fit pants" now, you are either blue, yellow, or red. Well I am red, meaning my pants usually gap in the waist but fit in the thigh. Lane Bryant are the only slacks I wear because not only do I need the right fit, I am short and need petite. I am now in a 4 petite red. All I wear is black because stupid Lane Bryant doesnt make the right fit houston slacks in a colors...except online, and for the last 6 months they have only had colors in like size 9. Whatever. With that said, although I love LB slacks in the right size...I pretty much am beginning to loathe them.
Our local store is managed by this older blonde hair lady that is like a size 4. WHAT? Makes no sense. She has a horrible attitude and the worst customer service. They lose my money all the time. Once, I went in a dressing room and set on the padded stool/chair thing and a nail was sticking up and went right into my butt! It made me bleed. I went and told stupid lady and she didnt even apologize. The next time I went in the store, I went and checked...the damn thing was still there.
I emailed corporate.
Many moons ago when I worked at LB I rocked. I love helping people shop. I would bring you things to the dressing room, get your size for you...none of that at this store. And while the slacks fit, nothing else really does. I swear their clothes are made for people who are 5'8". There dresses are always to billowy and shapeless...
I need a strapless bra. Have you guys noticed how all the cute tops this summer have little straps or weird straps. Well, I am in a size 40DDD. And guess what?! The strapless bras at LB only go to DD. WHAT! So I tried a 40DD on and it was okay...but sorta gave me pancake boobs. And who wants flapjacks for titties? Not me. I was ripe melons.
So, I got nothing at LB. I went to Dillards bc Mary told me their womens section was having a sale. I didnt even know they had a women's section. I got 2 tops, but nothing great. It is sort of an odd clothing section at dillards bc the shape of a lot of their plus sized clothing is billowy and for the geriatric generation, but not the print on them. Very odd. I don't know who their audience is.
I did however walk through the purse section. Listen. This is serious now. I love purses. Do you know?
Bc purses fit no matter how big your butt is.
Back in the day when I used to have credit cards, Hold me back Mary Kate and Ashley...I would tear up the purse section at Dillards. Now that I pay cash for everything, I am resigned to shopping for purses at Target or TJMAXX. The most I have ever paid for a purse was probably $130...which really isn't a lot. And for those of you who say there is no difference in $10 purse from Walmart and a designer purse....you have never owned a designer purse. There is a difference. OH the material, the stitching, the smell, the feel. I walked through the purse section today and my body has a physical reaction...I get goosebumps and tingle...nippies get hard. (does this happen to you)...I make soft noises and blow kisses at the fine hand bags. I love them. I miss them....someday we shall be together again.
The point of this long winded story? No pants for Amy. I also need some Bermuda length black shorts. Anything shorter on me, my crotch tries to eat them when I walk.
On the plus side (ahahahaha...that's a pun and I didnt even mean it to be), I have lost the weight from the weekend and I am doing well.
This weekend we are going to hang some drywall...I will save the state of our house for another post.
Tracey's 25th hs reunion is finally next week!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I have been mulling over a couple of posts lately. The first one is from Tiffany http://rockingtheband.blogspot.com/ (I dont know how to do those hyperlinks where instead of posting the whole web address I could have just made Tiffany's name blue and you could have clicked on that instead...if anyone knows how to do this, please share).
Tiffany posted about a talk she had with her nutritionist, and to sum it up...her nutritionist told her to stop thinking about what the band ISN'T doing for her, and focus on what it IS doing for her. You should read it if you haven't. It's good advice. I am definitely guilty of thinking things like "I ate a piece of toast...I must need to be tighter", or "I didnt get sick when I ate that hamburger patty...I wonder if my band isn't working". OR, "I gained 2.5 pounds over the holiday weekend...why didn't my band help out"?
Instead, I need to think how the band totally limited my portions at meals. Meals where preband I would have eaten 5 times as much. The band isn't going to help me when I am munching on slider foods like chips, cookies, etc. I have to help myself. And it's okay if I can eat a piece of toast. I didnt eat 6 pieces did I?
I am trying to remember this when I a pissed at the scale or my band. Losing one or two pounds is better than gaining 4.
I've just got to keep things in prospective.
Another post that got me thinking is Mamawoods post on control. http://mamawood-bandedforlife.blogspot.com/
Have you ever thought that we ate out of control bc we could control it? This is an oxymoron of a thought, but it's like this. Those who suffer from anorexia or bulimia usually come from a place where they are striving for perfection, or feeling they can't control factors in their life...so they start to control their food intake. Eventually, the illness takes control over them. Could it be the same for us? Those of us who eat out of loneliness, boredom, anger, fear...we feel we can't control those things, but the one thing we can control is going and standing in front of the fridge and stuffing our face? Maybe not...just a thought.
Happy Thursday everyone! Yesterday at bootcamp...do you know what happened? My body finally remembered how to run. You know how I posted that I didnt know how to sprint anymore and that my body felt weird trying? I can do it now! In fact, another participant told me "You know you only sprint down, and are supposed to JOG back" (I was sprinting both ways). I knew. I just didnt care! It felt so good to run.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I gained 2.5 pounds and even was an honest girl and changed my ticker to reflect that. I will lose it, it's just too bad bc I was getting close to 80 pounds. It's also a shame that when temptation is staring me in the face...I shove it down my throat :) I do good at home bc I don't bring the bad stuff into the house. Which is good! But if it's just in front of me...well hells bells mary...I must eat it!
Once I ran into a girl at Target who was banded at my hospital (I saw here in there one day getting a fill). If I hadn't known she was banded, I would have never been able to tell.
Do you ever wonder how many bandsters walk among us that we would never guess? Do you think one day people who meet us will never have been able to guess we were once fat?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
She has another one I really enjoy.
"In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die, and the choices that we make are ultimately our responsibility."
True dat Eleanor. True dat!
She said nothing.
I giggled all the way out the door.
When I opened my email this morning I had an email from a fellow blogger, who has yet to have WLS. Last week after reading a post on her blog about how she had failed at a self-imposed liquid diet, I sent her a comment that said this:
When you strive to meet these really hard goals and then fail...you end up feeling like shit and start to think you are a failure.
You did get me thinking a few weeks back when you asked me if I beat myself up when I didnt go to the gym... I told you I dont and that I dont really work very much. Well, I still dont beat myself up but you made me check myself and since then I have gone to the gym and done Bootcamp every monday and wed. Don't try such big steps...just make a few smaller ones and build on them!
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I hate conflict. I don't like hurting peoples feelings...in fact...I go to great lengths to be gentle with people's feelings. I didn't intend my post to be hateful or mean at all. I meant to say it's okay not to be perfect. And I was thanking her for asking me a tough question like "Do you think maybe your weight loss would be more if you worked out"? BC that made me really think and it's why we started bootcamp. She responded to my comment that said she was raised with an all or nothing mentality, and that when she sets goals it usually works for her. That was that, I didnt think anything more of it.
So today I got an email that said the following:
Amy,I'm sure your upset that I've deleted your comment. I normally Do not delete comments. However, i just felt offeneded by the entire comment and idont feel like having it be shown on my blog. My blog is my ONLY place to come and truely vent and type anything i want. And since i read your comment i've felt lIke you've taken that away.I should not have to defend myself on my actions. I set my goals weekly on what i want to do. If i dont suceed thats fine. But at least I go back and set goals again. It's not like I give up and walk away completely. I keep going back.This could all be just a big misunderstanding. And I really enjoy your blog and your upbeat attitude, but I'm not you. I'm not upbeat. I'm rather depressed and extremely down on life due to other reasons out of my control. Maybe you can help to clear this up.
I was so angry when I read this. Angry bc I didnt mean anything negative! In fact I was trying to help her like she helped me! One problem with emails and other things though is that it is tough to read into what someone is saying if you don't know them....
My response to her was:
I didnt even know you deleted my comment. That's okay though, bc I think the fact that you deleted it shows that it must have hit home. I should have known better to post something that might make you take a look at things...you don't want honesty.
What you misunderstood is that I was THANKING YOU for asking me if I thought if I would lose more if I worked out. You made me think, and I was hoping I could do the same for you. Your comments helped me get back to working out. You were asking me about my actions...just like I did....but when I did it you felt that you "had to defend yourself". I was trying to tell you that you didnt have to be perfect. Strive for perfection and you will fail. Please dont think you are the only one that deals with issues like being bipolar or depressed. You never know what is going on in someones life.
Its ironic and a shame that you said that your blog is the one place you can come and talk openly....but you don't want open responses? Perhaps you should keep a diary then, and not post on the web where others can read it. Or do you only want a blog where people agree with you?
In 6 months of blogging, I have never had a negative experience...until you. And that's okay too. We win some and lose some and you can't please everyone. You have to choose who to surround yourself with in life. Negative people or positive people. I believe that you, me, any of us...get a lot of shit thrown on us...but we can choose how to respond to it.
In retrospect, some of that sounds a little harsh but you should have seen the stuff I wanted to type. I thought that was the point of a public blog...I blog (vs journaling) because I want to share my story and I want people to respond! I want comments! I want interaction! When you put things out on the world wide web, you open yourself up to this. ARGH!
The funny thing is, is that everytime I read this bloggers blog, it just gave me such a negative feeling. I had thought about not following it anymore. Had a gut feeling. But I ignored it and look what happened. Lesson learned.
So just to put it out there, I really have formed a bond with you guys...even though we only know each other in cyberland. I would never say anything with the intention to hurt someone. If you ever feel like I do, please call me on it (I promise I won't post it like I did this one).
I have been staring at my computer for about an hour now trying to decide whether or not to post this. I don't want to seem like some high schooler saying "oh no she didn't". But I am pretty much an open book and it really took me by surprise! I feel better after venting at least!