Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I see skinny people

I remember when I was on my pre-op diet of liquids and everywhere I turned there were fast food commercials mocking me....laughing at me.

Yesterday this happened with skinny people.

I was having the Fat Tuesday blues. Mister Scale was up a little (a slight fluctuation that has since gone bye-bye) and I had to go to Victoria's Secret to return some undies Tracey had bought me for Christmas. I love him to the ends of the earth and back for going in to buy me some all by himself. He picked out 5 precious pairs....all in size Large. He even asked the salesgirl for XL's...but she told him they don't sell XL panties...which is a lie. However, I did find out that he got the cute panties with glitter and naughty little sayings on them from the "Pink Collection" which apparently only goes up to size Large. The hipsters and thongs that I currently wear are from another collection and do not have cute little thongs with sequined cupcakes on them. SOOOO anyways, I exchanged them for my boring colored XL's and off I went. Feeling dejected and frumpy. Why can't the "Pink Collection" have XL's? And then, all that surrounded me in the mall were skinny girls. This one walked past me wearing leggings and Uggs...both of which I hate...and I actually wanted them! And her body as well! Sigh...

Thats right...I was passing out invitations to my pity party. No one was RSVPing.

OH, and how could I forget to mention that before I went in VS, I went in Old Navy and tried on some 16's.

Sigh again.

They didn't fit. Sure I could zip them up. But they still didnt fit. I feel like I have been in a size 18 FOREVER! I feel like I should be in a size 16 now. But then I have to remind myself that I have been in an 18 for awhile bc my weight is going up, then down...so, all the more reason to refocus.

I wanted Sunkist. Like a dog looking for a leg to dry hump....I neeeeeded it. But I didnt have any.

None today either.....yet.

So my friends I will press on.

I'm gonna drink some water. Will you join me?

Monday, December 28, 2009

Holiday Party, Take Two

Once a year we have a holiday luncheon, but for political reasons, we must refer to it as a "year end celebration". Anywhoozle, I made a little side by side for you...I wish I would have been standing in this years...of my coworker Dave and I. These are a year apart.



And this one from preband.
Look at my round face and my guh-gunga's!


This last one is from January of this year, the day before surgery...and just a couple of days ago.


Greetings Earthlings


I am back from Planet Overdose! Pleased to meet you!

I am detoxing from Sunkist and sweets. Although, I can't go cold turkey bc you would find me rocking in a corner, cold sweats, hallucinations, phantom pains...so one must wean themselves off of such naughty treats with caution. BUT, since I am back at work I am doing better. Drinking water and eating on more of a schedule.


Tina the band did a fantastic job of helping me over the holidays. I did gain about 2 pounds. And that's okay. I didn't obsess about food or calorie count. My meals were not bad but the snacking is where I lost it. I am up 4 pounds from 215 several weeks ago. So...must focus. Next goal is to be 206 by January 27th. That would be 120 pounds in one year. This it totally do-able as long as I keep myself moving forward!


Christmas was awesome.





That's me with my dad and my brother Christmas morning. There were so many presents, and wrapping paper...ah...good times.

Tracey got Rockband 2 from Santa Sugarbear (me) and we have had so much fun with it. He thinks he is a guitar god, and I let him think that...it's good for his ego. I have come to the conclusion that I have no have sense of rythm with the guitar OR the drums, and can only find the beat through interpretive dance and song. I got Wii fit, and tonight when I get home I will take a picture of my chubby little Mii. I am not sure how could of a cardio workout Wii Fit will be, but I am sore from hula hooping!
This is my niece Kaity! Just chillin at the condo. You can see Rockband happening behind us. I love my family and we really had a good time. I wish that we lived closer together, but when things settle here with Corey, we will start talking more seriously about moving a little more north.



So there you have it!

The holidays are pretty much behind us so no more excuses. Although technically New Years Eve is all about gluttony. And then there in Martin Luther King Jr. day here in the States...and I think candy and civil rights go hand in hand...and then there is Valentines day which is ALL about sweet things....AND then St. Patricks Day and before you know it...it's Christmas time again.

Man...prognosis is not good.

Just kiddin!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The time has come...

Do you remember the story I told once about me doing a headstand and piledriving the ground? Several years ago (about 4), I was working in a school and we were talking about gymnastics and I said "I can do a handstand...ya want to see"? And seriously, I had a history of very nice handstands. However, it must have been awhile since I had done one, and at the weight I was at then (I would guess 275) I must not have attempted it before.


So, with everyone watching, I threw down and attempted a handstand, using the wall in the corner of the room to prop myself. Well, my hands hit the floor....my legs went up...and then my arms crumbled....and my head rammed the floor. AND, since I was in the corner, I was stuck upside down, legs flailing in the air.


Picture it.


Turns out, I couldn't support my body weight.


Well today I tried again. And today my friends...today history was made.


I held it. My arms held me. And Tracey snapped the picture.

I have so many more pictures to share, food updates, Christmas present list, etc. I will do that asap. But this couldnt wait!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Facebook

Hi again friends! I have been meaning to ask...if you guys send me a friend request on Facebook, could you please send a little message with it like "Hi Amy, I wanna be your best friend. I read your blog."

Just kidding about the bff part, but sometimes I don't know you by your last name or "real" name, and if I can't figure out you are a bandster...I might decline the request bc there is an evil group of people who sometimes send me hateful facebook messages and I don't want them to have access to my profile.

SOOO, if you have sent me a friend request and I didnt approve it, I just might have declined it bc I didnt know who you were.

You can find me by searching for Amy Workman.

Toodles!

A little mind babble to make you smile

Oh dear, woe is me.


I have been freebasing Sunkist all day and just ate some reindeer poop. Seriously. Here is the bag of chocolate covered raisins someone left on my desk.

I also have eaten a little bag of cheetos and a bowl of soup. But with 1000 calories in pop alone...oh boy. Amy feels a little bloated and lethargic. I have noticed now that I don't eat crap 24/7, when I do eat a lot of bad things...it really has an impact on my energy level. I guess it is like putting tainted fuel in your car. Not good for the guts.

Other random thoughts spoke out of a food coma haze:

Do you ever pass a mattress discarded along side the road and wonder WHO
IN THE HELL WAS SLEEPING ON SUCH A THING? I mean, someone was using it!
Then I remember how thankful I am that it was not me.


I thought of a very descriptive way to explain what it feels like when you have food stuck and it finally passing through the band. To Tracey the other day I said, "It feels like your band just passed a big turd." Really though. Aren't I right? It's like when you poop a massive one and it hurts for a second (I pretend I am giving birth to a child and do Lamaze) but when it passes through it is the biggest feeling of relief. lol. I am laughing because that is gross...even for me!

I feel bad for the Salvation Army people and their red kettles. I never have cash or change. If they would let me swipe my debit card it would be a whole different story! As I think about it, we have a container of change we collect at home. I should go dump it in a kettle today.

Just now, I found myself staring at the wall in my office. At nothing. Just staring and drooling slightly. SUNKIST INDUCED COMA!

Today I tried on some jeans at Target. Size 16. They actually fit. No muffin top. No seams getting ready to pop. Actual room in the pants. They were too long though. Damn tall people.

The other day we saw dolphins swimming in the ocean (technically it is the Gulf of Mexico). They were the littlest dolphins I have ever seen. Dwarf like. I named them Dwarfins. hahah...get it?

I have a toliet paper phobia. I hate wet toilet paper! In or out of the toilet.

Are you one of those people that blow their nose and then inspect the tissue. If so...STOP. Please.

I love Christmas. But it's gone too soon. I just wish time would stop on Christmas morning. OOOh, or I wish we could have Christmas morning EVERY morning.

Tracey's new favorite thing to do is pick me up. Not carrying me in a his arms, but wrapping his arms around me in a bear hug and picking me up. I will not lie. Every time he does this I envision his back snapping in two and my weight crumpling his bones into a pile of ash.

The other night in my parents condo we were all sitting around doing nothing so I started reading to the family...from my Cosmo magazine...and article about vaginas. When my mom stated that she had heard it is recommended by most doctors now to shave all of your pubic hair off, I knew it was time to change the subject.

Happy Tuesday fellow bloggers and blog readers! I wish everyone could come over and we could have a slumber party, watch Grease, and brush each others hair!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Pssst...Tell ME!

Do you know what I like about this picture? The fact that I can now comfortably wrap my arms around my knees without having to grasp my hands and hang on for dear life as they slip apart. I like this pose bc it is often found in movies, in the "reflection montage", when an actress is reflecting or mulling over some serious subject. Ah, yes.

Also, please note the illusion of a sideburn on my cheek. This is actually the wonderful regrowth of my head hair. It just looks like face hair! Close call.

So, lately on facebook, friends that I dont see in "real life" on a regular basis, have been sending me messages asking me what the secret to my weight loss is. This is really flattering of course. Everyone who has asked me is overweight themselves, and it always causes me to pause before answering them (picture Amy in a reflection montage).

Of course I tell them I have had Lapband. Often, I do it like this:

Thank you for the compliment! I had lapband surgery, performed by the WONDERFUL Dr. Friedman...on January 27th of this year!Last November my sister wanted me to go with her to one of the "meet the doc" seminars over at the towers. I hadnt ever really given much thought to weight loss surgery...and always thought it was "cheating" and/or taking the easy way out. But after the seminar, I figured why the hell not! Our insurance covers it and I was at my all time high 327lbs. Everything was starting to hurt and I was starting to really dislike what I saw in pictures. I knew I didnt want Gastric bypass bc I didnt want my insides rerouted, so I chose lapband. I can still eat, still absorb my nutrients etc. it is usually a slower weight loss than gastric, but that was okay with me. SO far i have lost 110 pounds. I still have my moments where I choose the wrong foods or drinks (hello Candy and Sunkist), but it really is an awesome tool.I have no idea what my goal weight is. I have never been under 209...probably not since I was 13 or something, so it is weird to think that is possible.Thanks for asking! You know me, I am an open book :)

So, that's it! I call it the Cliff Notes, or abridged version, of my story. That way, they know the truth, know that I too once thought it was "cheating", and know that they can ask me more if they want to.

And usually they do ask. One friend told me, basically "uh, that's good. But I will stick to the traditional way". One now follows my blog. The other two had more questions.

Just wanted to share this turn of events with everyone! Four more days until Christmas and I am getting super excited! It is so hard for me to keep secrets and I just love seeing people open presents!

Cyber kisses!

Me Active

One of the biggest changes that I have noticed lately in my 110 pound lighter self, is my willingness to be more active. Before, "old Amy" would fear, dread, LOATHE the thought of someone saying "Hey, let's walk over to [insert location here]. Or "Hey, do you want to go play paddle ball on the beach?"

Some specific examples:

My office is located about 3 minutes away from the main hospital. When coworkers would want to walk over for something I would either not go, figure out a way to drive, or walk behind them with my shins burning the entire time.

Yesterday collecting shells on the beach we walked a very long way. The "old Amy" would have not been able to make it. Or would have not enjoyed it.

Grocery shopping. I notice that I walk lighter, quicker, and longer. It really is a little thing but kind of refreshing!

Public speaking. I remember once, not too long before being banded, that I was speaking to a group of managers about nonverbal behaviors. One person wrote a comment on their eval noting my "breathless speaking". I got winded. Embarrassing. This is gone now.

I guess overall I just move more. Skip more. Twirl more. Dance more. It's pretty awesome when you think about it. I can't wait to see if it changes even more over the next year!

Photo Shoot: The Weekend Edition

I'm grumpy today. Today I am jealous of people who are skinny and of people who have lots of snow outside. There. I said it.

With that out of the way...

My scale held steady this week....until Friday. I was a little discouraged about not losing anything so I got a little loose with my eating :) Nothing really horrible, but nothing fantastic either. So I am up a few pounds. Turns out that on Sunday I realized WHY I hadn't lost. My period showed up a full 7 days early! MAN. This has been one downside of losing weight. I used to be blessed with my period once every 5 or 6 weeks. Now it just gets earlier and earlier.

We had a good weekend, getting our house ready for visitors and visiting my parents at their beach condo they are renting. Here are a few pictures:










And this last one just makes me laugh. This was at our house the other night. I had asked Tracey to chop an onion for me. And he came prepared.

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Christmas Dance For You

video

We were just hanging out at my parents condo last night, doing a little Christmas decorating...and Tracey recorded this on his iPhone. :)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Food Fight!

My question for discussion today is:

What were your food habits and/or eating secrets that brought you to your highest weight?

This is interesting to think about because for those of us with the lapband who do have some restriction, there are days when we "overeat" and feel like we are failing the band (or visa versa), but when you step back and look at the portions....we are still eating SO MUCH LESS then before.

So here are some of my dirty food secrets and habits.

I would stop every morning for fast food breakfast. And sometimes I would stop at TWO different places. My favorite stop was usually McDonalds. I would order a cinammon roll, a side of sausage, and a breakfast burrito with a large coke.

I would drink pop (soda) all day long. It wasn't unusual to average about 4-6 drinks during my work day.

I would snack on just about everything.

I would always get fast food lunch. Usually I would bring my lunch back to work and it would be a value meal of some kind. BUT, when ordering, I would order an extra hamburger, or chicken nuggets, or taco and eat all of that before I returned to work with my "main course lunch". This was part of me eating in secret.

On the way home, I would sometimes stop and pick up a burger or something that I could eat in my car. This would not be dinner. It would be a little treat.

Then I would eat dinner. I would go back for seconds or thirds. I would fill my plate. I would drink more pop.

After dinner I would eat ice cream or candy.

In the middle of the night, one of my favorite things to do was to sneak into the kitchen and eat cookies or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chase it with a big glass of milk.

Before I lived with Tracey, it wouldnt be uncommon for me to go to McDonalds at ten o'clock at night and get an extra value meal.

Before the band I had this irrational thought process, and when I went to get fast food I was always afraid I wouldnt "have enough" food. It was like I would ask myself, "Oh my gosh, what if you dont order enough and you are still hungry". This fear is gone now.

Also gone is my fast food breakfast stops, me drinking pop by the gallon, filling my plate to the brim, going back for seconds, etc.

I still have the urge for midnight sweets with a big glass of milk...but my band makes this impossible now. Every once in awhile I still sneak foods. Although now it is not a hamburger or something from fast food...but every once in awhile...candy.

Sometimes people ask me "Well, if you can still gain weight with the band, why did you choose it"? And I think the answers are listed above. Things have changed dramatically in 11 months. I have always said that I think the band gives you a chance to step back and look at yourself and reevaluate your relationship with food. So thank you Tina. I salute you!

Monday, December 14, 2009

What Makes Me Successful?

By request, I thought I would answer this question: What is your secret?

Every so often, someone suffering from SAFW (pronounced Saf-wuh), also known as slow and frustrating weight loss...asks me how or why my weight loss has been on the high side. I have been thinking about my answer. What I have decided on is that half of my weight loss is due to determination. The other half? Luck.

But, that is not a helpful answer...so we will try this....

What I Think Has Contributed to My Weight Loss With the Band

-I have a fantastic doctor who let me decided how often I wanted to be filled. My first fill was six weeks post op. After reporting I could eat a sandwich, bread and all, with no problem, he gave me 4ccs. Two weeks later I called back and said I need more restriction...and I got right in. ONE week after that, still with no restriction, he let me come in again...and finally I felt something. If Dr. Friedman had been slow with his fills, or made me wait until my official appointments, I would not have gotten restriction so early in the game, and while I can't be certain of this, I do not think I would have lost as much weight without it.

-I drink lots of water. I strive for 100 ounces a day. Sometimes I get more. I find when I am head hungry, or even physically hungry, that I can fend off snacking if I drink 20 ounces of water.

-I try to avoid grazing. When I do snack, I try to stay away from salty snacks.

-I have a great support system in Tracey and from this blog. Tracey doesn't bring tempting foods into the house. He works out with me. He encourages me. That makes a difference! I can't imagine how hard it is for those of you who have kids or hubbies that require tempting, junky food. And this blog...I have said it before but you guys keep me going. I want to have good things to report and this blog helps me be accountable.

-When I am eating, I try to do protein first. I don't drink with my meals. I rarely eat fast food.

-One of the lessons the band has taught me is that there is a difference between real hunger and head hunger. When I want to eat, I can now stop and ask myself "Amy...are you really hungry?" And if the answer is no, I try not to eat.

-I set mini-goals and I meet them. I don't set unattainable goals, but I don't set low bar goals either. I am a procrastinator...and without mini-goals, I lose focus.

-I do not track or record my calories. But I do try to keep a rough, running estimate in my head. I like to stick to around 1100-1200 calories a day.

-Exercise I know this is not a good thing to say, but I don't do it on a regular basis. I just don't. Right after surgery we started walking. I decided I would do a 5k a few months after banding and so I was motivated. I started walking one mile a week, added half a mile every week until we got to 3 miles. We walked at least 3 times a week. Sometimes Tracey and I go to bootcamp here at work. When we are on that kick, we go twice a week. But we haven't been since Corey got sick. Exercise is the one thing that I have not truly embraced yet.

As any regular reader of my blog knows, I have weeks where I am the model bandster, and weeks where I am the model do-not-do-this-bandster. The weeks where I don't lose, here are the behaviors that cause me to maintain or gain (sometimes up to 5-7 pounds in one week!). I drink a lot of soda/pop. I eat candy. I eat lots of salty chips and peanuts. I graze. I don't drink as much water. I sneak food and resort to old habits. I go shopping and buy whatever I think will slide through my band. I lose sight of my goal. I just don't care.

And that brings me to attitude. Sometimes I think it is natural to wallow in the "I just don't care" place. You can vacation there, but you CANNOT live there. To get out of my funks I ask myself what I want. I look in the mirror. I take one day at a time. I choose water instead of Sunkist. I hide the peanuts. I look at before pictures. I read my blog. I think of you guys and those of you rocking the band! I think of those of you sooo close to goal, those of you shattering that stupid "40% of your excess body weight statistic". And I also count my blessings and remember how lucky I am and how I can do this. I know that if I do what I am supposed to the majority of the time, the scale will move. My pants will get looser. My fat will start to pack up and leave. It will. And it has.

I think so many variables can determine how quickly we lose weight. I started at 327 pounds. I think that those of us who started bigger can potential lose faster (at the beginning) then those who started lighter. Genetics, environments, doctors...all play a part. That is why comparing can be so dangerous. The real important part is are you doing what you need to (most of the time anyways). If you are...then that is all you can ask for! And if not...I bet you know what you need to do to reach your next goal. And if you need to refocus, you don't have to be "perfect". Set one mini goal for the week. And accomplish it!

For example, I have had 3 weeks of "good girl" behavior. Typically, I would go wonkey this week. But my goal is to stay the course. Make more good choices, then bad. Drink my water. Don't eat salty peanuts all day. Keep my January 27th goal of 120 pounds lost in sight. And I know that this week will be full of "good girl" behavior!

Friday, December 11, 2009

One Part Sass, One Part Sauce

I must admit. I woke up feeling particularly saucy and sassy today. The scale God blessed me with 217. Finally...making my total loss 110 pounds. Here is hoping the next ten pounds back their bags on leave on permanent vacation by January 27th...my one year bandiversary.



My jeans are in that stage right now where fresh out of the dryer they fit pretty good, but an hour into the day I start to develop both penis crotch and baggy butt. You know...penis crotch is when your pants get to big and the material in the crotch area starts to gather and it looks like you are smuggling a miniature schnauzer? So, I decided to wear a skirt. A skirt that I have been holding on to since 2001. It is a khaki pencil skirt, and by the grace of God it fits my hips and my waist. I suffer from hour glass syndrome. My waist is much smaller then my hips....proportionately speaking. So skirts usually are all big and gappy in the waist. I was going to pair this skirt with my new cheetah print flats, but decided to sauce it up with some heels!



We had a holiday luncheon today at work, and someone snapped a picture.


Just as the picture was snapped, someone said "look at you, it was like you were ready for it". My coworker quickly added that "Amy is always ready for a picture". So true.

It really has been a day full of compliments so my head if full and big! When I got back from the luncheon I had an email from the coworkers (Heather and Elwyne) who teach my bootcamp... It read:
Me and Elwyne wanted to let you know ................you look too sexy for work today. U look awesome.

Inflate head more please!

Last night I was hanging up clothes and I looked in the mirror real quick and my face looked thin. I thought it was shadow trickery...but no matter which way I turned...I was pleased. Have mercy.

My parents come in tonight for a month long stay. I know what you are thinking...I am going to eat my moms temptations...BUT...they have rented a condo down on the beach for an entire month. So the oreos will live there!

I am so excited to see them.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Hugs and kisses...and for those of you who don't like to be touched by complete strangers...I will just smile and wave!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A little much...The Story of My Life

Okay, so in hindsight, yesterdays video rant might have been a little dramatic. It happens ya know. But I just got caught up in the moment, and I was standing in my bathroom talking to myself in the mirror pretending the mirror was a "hater" and then I decided..."Hey, I will video tape this"!

I am not really a fighter either. And I don't like conflict. But Angie told me that lapband needs a face. And then I realized it already has one! The face of lapband is you and me. It is young and it is old. It is a lawyer, a student, a mother, a daughter, a father. The face of lapband is rich and poor, single, married, American, Australian. It is the loud fat girl and the quiet wallflower. It is each and every one of us that took a gamble on WLS. And while I fully understand that it is NOT a choice for everyone, I do not understand bashing the choice for others. And the fat bashing comments based on ignorance and stupidity make me sad.

We have such a positive community on here, and I surround myself (for the most part) with people in my life that support and nuture my choices...so the last thing I want it to bring negativity to our blogland. I hope I didn't do that.

Happy Wednesday bloggers, readers, and friends!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Video Rant

So Angie likes to get me fired up, and she linked me to this article. Basically, from what Angie tells me, the author is a bigger girl herself. And really, my problem with the article is that she is against weight loss surgery for others. BUT THEN, it gets really good when people who do not struggle with weight offer their two cents. Not, granted...some of them are just idiots. And the author has a right to her opinion. But who don't understand the band misrepresent it on such a big level...well...someone has to say something. So I did. Right here in this little blog. Make sure you read the article to understand what I am talking about! Wooo, sometimes it feels good to vent.


video


AND...AND...Angie is right! Why such sad moppy people for the commerical. It's not a depression medication commercial! We need to start a movement.

Tina, Tina, Tina

Well, my band has been acting a little strange.



I got my last fill on October 28th. And boy do I still have restriction. Three weeks ago though I started eating naughty (as I shared with you). Not eating a lot of anything, but eating enough of the sliders...and I was drinking a lot of Sunkist. This past week has been excellent, and as is the Amy pattern, I lost everything I gained and then some...for a total of 7 pounds lost this week. But, my band seems to have gotten tighter!



At first I wondered if it had anything to do with my cold. But my cold is gone now and it's still SUPER tight. Thursday night I probably ate 1 oz of a hamburger patty and then proceeded to do the "over the sink tango" for a total of 5 times. Nothing much came up, but finally I thought I was in the clear. I took a shot of cold medicine followed with a swig of orange juice for the chaser (I hate cold medicine). And about 60 seconds later it came back up in a BAD way...through my nose and throat. Good news is...it totally helped clear my sinuses. Bad news is ever since then it seems like I can eat very little.


I am not going to lie. I am a little worried about slipping my band. I thought I had gotten over that fear (remember when you are a baby bandster and so worried about that). But I just don't know why the sudden tightness.

Here are two great examples. Peanuts. My coworker and I munch on peanuts pretty often. Usually they go right down. The only way I can stop eating them is to hide the bottle. Today...not so much. Maybe 1/4 a cup and I felt that familiar dull uncomfortable feeling.




For lunch, I thought I would try Spaghetti O's. Pictured here for my non-USA friends. Again, I could eat maybe 1/4 a cup. I mean come on! They are practically a mushie food!

Yesterday we went to a local seafood place where Tracey got oysters and I ordered fried pickles. THEY ARE THE BEST FRIED PICKLES IN THE WORLD. So last weekend I could eat about a half a basket. This week, I ate maybe four slices. Little pickle slices. And then spent the rest of the time in the bathroom PBing out my nose.

Again, why the sudden change?

I should say that water goes down fine. I have no acid reflux. And peanut butter cups also seem to find their way to my stomach. So maybe this is just the level of my restriction? Kicking in 6 weeks later?

I am going to keep an eye on it. Right now I am scheduled for a fill on December 23rd. I am pretty sure I will not need it. But I am going to keep it just in case I need a slight unfill!

That's all folks! Happy Monday!

A Look Back

So, after Angie was talking about going back from day one and rereading her blog, I thought I would give it a try. Turns out I only made it to about May before I got bored and had to stop. I mean JEESH...I can type a lot! haha, but as someone who is approaching 11 months post-op, I found several things interesting.

#1. As baby bandsters (I know some of you are there right now) we had no clue sometimes of what to expect! It was kinda cute to listen to all of my worries and fears. Fears like not being able to eat the foods I like again. About slipping my band. About loose skin. All of those so far (knock on wood) have been unfounded fears.

#2. It is also fun to look back to our preop diet days when we thought we would never make it. But we did! Here is one of my favorite posts from that time:

PreOp. January 23rd

Did you know that Whataburger came out with a Double Patty Melt. I don't even like Whataburger and when I see the commercial...you would think that it was my favorite restaurant.

Have you seen the Red Lobster commercial? I hate seafood. But I might stick my tongue in the cup of butter they serve with lobster.

Tracey let me suck the salt off of his pretzel last night. A pretzel stick. I really wanted to accidentally bite down on it...just to be able to crunch on something.

I heard my stomach rumble last night. Didn't know what that was at first. I can't tell you last time I heard that noise! lol

My boyfriend, bless his heart...weighs about 153 pounds. He asked me if I wanted him to eat in the garage last night. I said no. He is supportive of my choice, excited for me to be healthier. He loves me as I am. He thinks I am sexy. I swear he does and I can't figure it out. But I'll take it!

I vividly remember sucking the salt off of that pretzels like it was the best thing on earth.

#3. What is really amazing is to see how happy I was when I hit smaller sizes. And by smaller sizes I mean a size 24. I was SO happy with finally getting into a 24. It makes me think I should try to be as happy now in 18's. I have come a long way.

#4. What I think you might find when you look back in your blog is that even though for us, it feels like this weight loss can be soooo slow at times, it really hasn't been that bad! There has been so much progress.

#5. When I started my blog in January there were so few lapband blogs out there. And so few followers. Some of my first posts had maybe one comment on them. I love all of you who read and comment. I even love all of you who read and DON'T comment. Thank you for your support. It is amazing the things some of you tell me. And I know at times I may appear full of myself, but every one of you comments about my weight loss, or writing, or attitude really means the world to me. You keep me going on days when I don't feel like going anywhere!

xoxo-Amy

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Obsession: For Women

*Sometimes I write a post that is rather incoherent and doesn't make sense like it makes sense in my head. This is one of those posts. I wrote it Saturday night...late...and then saved it trying to figure out whether or not to post it or not. But today, I said what the heck! See if you can muddle through my musings.

I just watched a documentary called America The Beautiful. It takes a look at America's obsession with beauty (although really it is just about the world's obsession with beauty). It caused thoughts to start percolating in my little ol' head...

The film maker opens with a question. Who benefits from this unreal expectation of what a woman should look like? Who benefits from making us feel ugly? This is an interesting question, and while we have discussed this before I am sure...I had never heard it asked quite like that. When you stop to think about it, a lot of people benefit from us thinking we need to fix ourselves. The makers of shampoo, lotion, clothes, perfume, Spanx, diet fads...

And then the scary thought hit me. Am I a hypocrite?

I know that ultimately we chose to have WLS for HEALTH reasons...right? But how many times do I blog about how I am feeling healthier? Usually our favorite updates are weight or size related. And I don't think I will stop posting about those things...because come on...they make me happy...but I think I will start making an effort to highlight some of the health non scale victories. Sarah had a great example of one the other day.


The film focused a great deal on models and touched briefly on anorexia and bulimia. So, story time children. Come gather on the carpet around Mama Amy while I share. I don't know if all of us have experienced dabbling in bulimia or anorexia, but I think that for my generation at least...a great deal of us have tried starving ourselves or throwing up to lose weight. But because I don't know if that statement is statistically based, I can only share my story. I do not want anyone to think that I am making light of what is a serious medical disorder. Or that I am endorsing anorexia or bulimia in anyway. And I hesitate to write this for fear of misinterpretation....but there has always been a part of me that envied those girls that could resist eating or embrace puking.

Does that make sense?

When I was younger, I really believed that it would be better to die trying to be skinny then live being fat. And once, for like a week...I tried to throw up everything I ate. I would binge and eat everything I could and then go stick my finger down my throat to make it all come up. Turns out...I didn't like it. One of the most vivid memories of this time was gorging myself on wedding cake and then puking it up right after. Huge chunks of cake. I was 19 at the time and it was one of my desperate attempts to be thin. I used to search ProAna or ProMia sights. If you have never heard of them, ProMia is code for pro bulimia and ProAna is code for pro anorexia. On these sites you can find the most disturbing stories, pictures, and profiles of girls and women dying to reach a make-believe goal. You can find pictures usually filed under the category of "Thinspiration". They are of uber thin models. Most of them have been photo shopped to make the models even skinnier.

I feel at times I am a walking contradiction. For example, while I think it is horrible to look at photoshopped pictures of models made to look like Holocaust survivors for means of inspiring women who have a serious eating disorder...I love watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show (which you can watch in it's entirety by clicking on the link). Seriously. I love it. And my most favorite part of a pageant? The swimsuit section. I love to look at these beautiful bodies and wish that I could look like that too. Oddly enough, it is not depressing to me to watch these things. It motivates me. And plus...they are hot and have ridiculously long legs.

In some weird and twisted way, possibly my positive self-esteem was spurred on my failed attempts to puke up my food. It was too hard, I didnt like it, I liked food...so I better learn and like myself the way I am.

Did you hear last week about the Former Miss Argentina who died of complications while getting butt implants? You can read the article here. Kinda scary. I bet she had a butt we would have loved to call our own!

Fun With Fat

Hello readers and friends! It is Saturday here in Pensacola, Florida and I am having fun with fat. As you know, there is a fondness in my heart for my former fuller self pictures. I mean really, they can lift you up when you lose sight of your progress. And I wanted to share a few of them with you! This first one is Mardi Gras in 2008. Well before I had even thought about surgery. I am guessing I am a size 26 here and over 300 pounds. Probably very close to my heaviest. This one is from Home Depot...which by the way is where I met Tracey. I worked in Paint, and he worked in Electrical...and the rest is history! I know I have shared on here before that I came to Pensacola alone. I graduated from college and looked at a map and decided to move here. I had never been here and didn't know anyone! It was exciting and if I was a single gal, I would move again. There is something refreshing about new places, people, things and experiences. I was probably around 270 here? Maybe a little less. I lost about 40 pounds when I first met Tracey....and then gained almost 90!


This was just last January. We were in St. Louis bc we had to head back to Kansas for my grandpa's funeral and we took Tracey and my brothers girlfriend to the Arch. It was cooold. And I was well insulated! At my highest....327.


And this was a year ago. My parents had brought their boat down and it was chilly but I was going to get some sun! Gracious me!

And here are some more recent ones. This is me mashing some taters for Thanksgiving. Tracey bought me this cute apron because I make a mess when I create my masterpieces!

This is from last week at work. I love it when hair, make up and accesories all come together!







OoOH, and I have to share one last picture. It is "cold" down here in Pensacola for about 2 months. I donated my warm winter coat to charity a few months ago bc it was toooo big! And since then, I have been coatless. Seriously. Not even a thermal or fleece. So, Tracey bought me this "leather" jacket at Target yesterday to at least provide me with a little warmth. My pose here is called "the broke down ragdoll", and you are familiar with that term if you watch America's Next Top Model. I have also followed another rule of Tyra Banks modeling by "finding the light". I am also driving Tracey crazy bc whenever I have this jacket on, I have to do a catwalk down the runway...even if the runway is a parking lot, our front yard, etc. I've mastered taking the jacket off when I get to the end of said runway, flipping it over my shoulder, winking at the camera, and turning. I should get Tracey to video it! But for now...this is all I've gots!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Can You Weigh Your Worth?

Can you weigh your worth? No. But we do don't we? Every time we step on the scale we wait...to see what we weigh...and to see what we are worth. It doesn't sound right to type that or read it does it? We know better. Right? Are value, are life, how much we give, how much we love, can't be measured on our scale.

But yet the damn thing, and those 3 numbers that pop up, can beat us down or lift us up. That is a lot of power we give away...in this race of ours.

And what exactly are we racing for? I am not even talking about racing each other. We race ourselves! Hurry, must lose faster, faster, faster, not enough. Why?

Are we racing for health? To fit into pants or an airplane seat? To get a date? To prove that the band works and that we made the right decision. Are we racing away from something? Fear, loneliness, fat rolls, a relationship? Do we just want to hurry up and be skinny already?

I hate to tell you guys (and remind myself) that we did not pick the quick fix WLS. Oh sure, it is quicker and "fixier" then no WLS, but we chose the lapband...and I think we all knew that was going to be slower then gastric bypass.

And I don't know what we are racing for, or why we let numbers determine our day, week, or life. For many of us, it has always been that way. For women in general, we learn at an early age that our weight matters. But somewhere along this weight loss journey I think we have to stop once in awhile and give ourselves a good old bitch slap in the face. We are getting there. And yes, it is not overnight. And yes, it is slower then some of our blogger friends. But it's happening.

So breathe. Look at where you started. Look at how many times you have failed and realize this time you are not failing. Recognize that if the scale doesnt move for a day. Or a week. Or worse...if it moves up a little...that it will be okay and it will start moving down again. But more importantly, remember that you are just as wonderful at this weight as you were 5 pounds heavier. AND, you are just as wonderful at this weight as you will be 5 pounds lighter. Sometimes we get so caught up in what's not right about our situation that we fail to recognize all the gifts we have been given.

And as some wise woman once said....I dont know who....but that doesn't matter.....

YOU BEST RECOGNIZE!

xoxo

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

B-room Vloggy Poo

Helllllloooo world! I have been a little under the weather and rather dull lately, but after some gentle nudging by fellow bloggers I have resurfaced. Here is a little vloggy poo for you! Here are some things to note. First, I look tired bc I have been a little ill...not bc I have been in my "darkplace" like that one vlog. Second, have mercy please notice the little two inch pieces of hair sticking up all over! That would be my regrowth! WOWZER!

video

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

My Love Affair With a Dead Man

Have I mentioned my love of Shel Silverstein? As the months progress as a Blogger, I fear I may repeat myself from time to time. The good thing is...if it sounds familiar, you can just speed read through the post or click on that little red x in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

But I love him. And it began in first grade. My teacher, Mrs. George would read Shel's poetry (if he was alive, he would be fine that we are on a first name basis). And then when I was eight, I got my first Shel Silverstein book from my mom. Here it is, torn and tattered. I keep it at work with me.




I love my mom. Anywhoodles....

I also love Shel's words. It is pretty amazing when a poem applies to a 7 year old and a 30 year old. One of my favorites, hands down is Listen to the Mustn'ts.

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child

Listen to the DON'TS

Listen to the SHOULDN'TS

The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS

Listen to the NEVER HAVES

Then listen close to me--

Anything can happen, child,

ANYTHING can be.

Oh man. For real. I wish how I could explain to you how those words have helped me and pushed me throughout my life. There are so many things, people, thoughts in our own mind that tell us NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. THAT WON'T WORK. STOP. But the child in me believes that anything is possible. And when kids are around me, I am always aware of how many times I tell them NO, STOP, NO, DON'T DO THAT, YOU CAN'T!!!

What got me on this kick today was that I was sitting here at work, feeling deep and philosophical, and I started reading through some of my favorite quote books...and in this process I found a quote for Shel that reminded me of some of us...and the demons we are battling now...food or otherwise...

"There is a voice inside of you,

that whispers all day long,

'I feel that this is right for me, I know that this is wrong'.

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend,

or wise man can decide...

What's right for you, just listen to,

the voice that speaks inside."

Strike Up the Band: Questions and Answers

Linda O has been waiting forever (okay, a little over six months but that is forever in Amy time) to get banded, and now as the day gets closer, she has posted some very interesting questions on her blog. I am reposting them here with my answers!

ANY REGRETS? Are you happy with your decision and would you do it again?
I do not have one single regret. I will be honest though, every once in awhile...for just a few milliseconds, I wonder if it would have been easier if I would have chosen gastric bypass. These moments usually come when I am indulging is candy...but for me, the flexibility of the band was worth those times when my eating gets a little too flexible for my liking.

ARE YOU SORRY, YOU DIDN'T GIVE TRADITIONAL DIETING ONE MORE TRY? hell no. Funny, but before I ever thought about WLS I didnt want to "give up" and "cheat" by getting the band or having gastric bypass. I "knew I could do it if I set my mind to it". But in truth, I never had...and statistically, with only about 5% of those who lose weight through traditional diet and exercise keeping it off, the odds were against me. Once I went to the first "Meet the Doc" seminar at our hospital, I felt hope. Why do we get stuck in that mindset that something is wrong with us if we choose WLS? Society? Family? Ourselves? We should feel empowered because we are making a choice to succeed. To live.

WHAT IS THE WORST THING ABOUT HAVING THE BAND?
Missing eating foods in the familiar ways. While I can still eat a hamburger, and it's damn good, but never the same as with a big ol bun! Also, the hardest part was using my willpower during the time of Bandster Hell.

WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT HAVING THE BAND?
The weight loss. Having something stop me when I can't stop myself.

On a scale of 1 to 10 HOW HARD WAS/IS IT PSYCHOLOGICALLY TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T EAT THE SAME WAY ANYMORE?
You know, besides the missing big bready items, I don't miss being able to pig out. And for the most part, I can still eat the same thing...just slower...and less of it! SO, I would say...3, with one being the low end of the scale.

HAS BEING BANDED MADE YOUR PERSONALITY CHANGE? For the better or worse?
That's a big old negative good buddy. My personality is exactly the same.

Are you still able to party a little? (I am a wine drinker...can't imagine giving it up completely) and are you a party pooper now cause you can't party as much?
I don't really drink...so I am going to have to answer with a n/a on this one.

HOW MUCH HAPPIER ARE YOU WITH YOUR BODY? I am wondering what I will look like 50-80 lbs thinner. I am 47 and will have a "lose skin" issue.
Hmmm...thinking....This is a tough one for me to answer. I look at pictures from before surgery and I am TONS happier with my body now. I didn't realize at the time how fat I looked...thanks to self preservation and my reverse body dsymorphic disorder. So far, besides my bat wings...no loose skin. Of course, I am still 220...so things may change. But, I would rather be healthy and loose skinny then no loose skin and morbidly obese!

HAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS CHANGED? Spouses? Family? Friends? Strangers?
No difference for me. I think this one correlates to the personality question. BC my personality hasn't changed, neither have my relationships. I think that this question and the personality question really depends on how being fat hinders you before surgery. For those that feel like they can't be themselves, or live to their full potential when they are fat...there will certainly be a noticeable difference in their personalities and possibly their relationships when they start shedding the pounds. If you had trouble finding confidence before, and now suddenly feel it coming on strong...things are going to change. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but working with so many people who have had gastric bypass, and seeing how they have become a TOTALLY different person after losing all their weight...this is what I notice as a big difference. I was sure of who I was weighing 327, and I am still sure at 220.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE THE SAME PERSON OR COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOW THAT YOU HAVE LOST WEIGHT? haha, I just answered this didn't I?

Linda...I think these are all wonderful questions and I bet there a few pre-banders wondering the same things! I think we all went through a little "OH CRAP WHAT AM I DOING PHASE"!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Attack of The Snark

I don't know what a snark is...

But I like the sound of it.

I am up 5 pounds this week ladies! But I shall rebound. I am not too down in the dumpies about it, bc it has been an off week and this weekend was a blackhole of timeloss and calorie destruction.

But, this is a prime example of why a fill is not the answer to everything.

Let me 'splain.

I have great restriction. I am never really hungry. If I eat protein and solid foods, I can't eat much.

I am eating for the hell of it. I am eating candy, chips, and drinking pop. In small doses, these add up on the scale. So that's it kiddies! The band is not the answer to everything, mama has to do her part!

So I am introducing my body back to my long lost friend...water! And trying to cut back on the salt. I will recover and conquer!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Four Part Mini-Series...

I am not sure how this will post, but it should be in order. If it posts two side by side, then watch from top left to top right, then the bottom left and the bottom right!!! This will teach Blogger not to let me upload one big video! Victory is mine!

video video video video

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Has The Universe Pooped On You Lately?

I hope not.

If it is, you can get under my umbrella--eh eh eh---under my umbrella ella ella (I was singing the Riahanna song).

I know some of you are having a week from hell. And I wish I could hold your hand and give you little Eskimo kisses until you feel better. But, all I have to offer you is my ear and hopefully some chuckles.

I am TRYING to post a vlog. As promised, the other night I went home and recorded a 5 minute vlog! OH MAN IT WAS GOOD! I was telling jokes, shucking and jiving, zigging and zagging. I had almost beat the vlog holder recorder for longest vlog (currently held by Cara I think...) But guess what? I "shoot" my vlogs on my little kodak camera, and when I upload a 2 minute vlog, it takes at least 30 minutes. Well, this 5 minute vlog never will upload. Seriously, I let it upload overnight! Nothing. I tried again at work for like 7 hours....NOTHING.

SOOOO, I will not let electronics rule me! I have decided to film three, count them, three vlogs. It will be fun. It will be a mini-series....of AMY! So, I will film them probably tomorrow night. Are you on the edge of your seats? It is a toss up between seeing New Moon or seeing my vlogs? I thought so.

On the eating front....

uh oh....

Amy bad.

I have been going a little silly this week. Eating when I am not even CLOSE to hungry. It is a cycle thing with me. And by cycle I mean my brain, not my monthly visitor to Lady Station. That's okay. I will regain control and be back on track soon enough. I tried to eat a black jack taco today. You know, the one I ate like 4 of before this last fill. Turns out, I could only eat about 3.5 bites today before I PB'd them for an hour! Thumbs up Tina. Thanks for doing your job!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sometimes My Brain Hurts

Too many thoughts...must relieve pressure:



1. There is a movie out in limited release called Precious. The star of Precious is Gabourey Sidibe. And this is a picture of Gabby.






The other day I read a quote (and forgive me Gabby if I don't get it right), but it went something like this..."People are saying that I got this movie and now I am fabulous. The truth is, I was fabulous and THEN got this movie". That's what I am talking about! If you get a chance to see her in interviews, she is honest and candid about her weight. She doesn't claim to "love being big", and is realistic about the health implications. If she beats me to Oprah though....oooh...I will be hot!



2. Even at 219 pounds, I can feel my port pretty good. I can't see it under my skin, but I can feel it with much more ease! Amazing what less fat around the belly will do for you. I wonder if when I am 108 pounds I will be able to see it....



....just kidding....I was seeing if you were paying attention. I will never weigh 108 pounds!



3. Speaking of my port, I almost thought I had a port sprain (not a real term, I just made it up). The other evening Tracey and I were...um...dancing....and our dance moves included the arm of the couch and a handstand of sorts...and it hurt my port!



4. I clearly do not believe in TMI.



5. I may...MAY...have found a very close runner up to Sunkist. It is a tasty diet soda (pop). Pictured here.




6. Things that have become normal 10 months after being banded: My hair and my poop. My hair loss started slowing down about 2 months ago. It started growing back in before that. It is healthier now then it has ever been! My poop is nothing like preband, when I was consuming extra value meals at every turn. But by normal, I mean the new normal. Maybe every couple of days...and not very much. It doesn't concern me anymore.

7. I didnt lose any weight last week. I try to keep in mind that I lost 7 pounds a week, 2 weeks in a row. Funny thing is...I didnt really do much different in the 7 pound loss week and the zero pound loss week. Such is life with the band.

8. I did it. I summoned the courage to go into Victorias Secret and buy some undies. Size XL. Yes, even Amy gets fat fear petrified (again, not a real term). But, I define it as when you let Fat scare you from doing something. I just get worried that when I go into a store with skinny girls working, they will look at me and say "Uh uh big girl....Lane Bryant is across the way!" But part of getting my mind right is realizing, I am not as big as I used to be and things are actually starting to fit! So I bought 5 for $25. And now it is official....I never have to go into Lane Bryant again!

9. One of the things that has NOT decreased with my decreasing weight is my facial hair. I had such high hopes! I didnt start getting facial hair until I started really packing on the pounds. And the hormones are wickity wack with extra fat...so I was hoping that as I got thinner, my grandma whiskers would go away. But hey, maybe with the next 50?

10. I need a nap.

11. I will be cooking a turkey for the first time this Thanksgiving. Thank God I have Tracey bc I make him stick his hands up the birds but and pull out the gross things. He's a dad ya know? Once you are a parent you can do gross things like that. Also, you wipe boogies with your bare hands!

K, ladies...that is all I have for you today. I will hopefully be able to vlog for you this evening. I am trying to think of a costume to wear or something...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Christmas Come Early

I got home from work today and had not one, but two...COUNT THEM TWO...gifts waiting for me. What a wonderful surprise after this week's events!

The first gift was from Kathi. She sent me a beautiful top. It is size 22/24, but Kathi is right...it fits more like an 18/20. It is almost too big for me...but I am going to wear it to work damn it!



Please don't mind the fact that I am not wearing any pants...I was in the middle of playing dress up.
Kathi also sent me the lipstick that I couldn't find here...the wonderful nude color that Kristen looks so good in. Guess what? Not so much on me! Kathi is right again...on me...looks a little corpsey....death cometh to my lips.
My next package arrive in the most wonderful pink flowery butterfly box.
First dress...Not bad huh? Good and SASSY!
Next dress I am really madly in love with...
Angie also sent me a size pair of 14 jeans...can anyone say serious goal jeans? While I am aways from wearing these, I had to take a picture bc they seem like a tiny to me. Remember, everything is relative.And finally, my back fat. What is missing is the upper roll that used to hang over. It's gone!

So thank you to my wonderful friends. Do you think I can quit my day job and exist solely on clothing and make-up donations from my band buddies? No? FINE! But seriously...thank you Kathi and Angie! I promise to pay it forward!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Does Your Train of Thought Have a Caboose?

So, once upon a time...very long ago (3 weeks), there was a princess who for the sake of this hypothetical fairy tell, fell off of her banded train. She was left with the other hobo's in a little tent city called Taco Hell.

Her demise started slowly enough. After achieving her 100 pound loss goal, Princess Amy went apeshit crazy. And taco hell was just the bordello to reside in! Princess Amy's evil stepsisters (that live in her head) told her..."hey chubbie girl! You should reward yourself for all your hard work? Why don't you eat this apple?" It wasn't really an apple though...it was a poisoned apple...also know was a BlackJack Taco!

This began a mudslide of forest-fires-followed-by-torrential-rain- in-Californiaesqe proportions. Bad tacos, nom nom nom.

Until one day, her Fairy Godmother, also known as Dr. Friedman, came with his magic wand, also knows as a needle, and tightened her little Tina right back up. *POOF* All better. Ta Ta tent city of Taco Hell!

So, 14 pounds lighter and feeling good and sassy, Princess Amy was at precipice (situation of great peril). For a moment, she thought about digging out the clearance Halloween candy she has stored for Christmas. I mean come on...she was 14 pounds down...she can indulge!

But she didn't! She has stayed focused. Listen to her body and not the voices in her head!

And she lived happily ever after...

or at least for this week...

The End

Life

Tracey's youngest son Corey (who I have mentioned once before) is 16. He also has duchenne muscular dystrophy. Muscular dystrophy is a degenerative disease that attacks muscles...eventually freezing them into place. That is the cliff notes version. While some boys (primarily boys) live to be 30, usually life expectancy is late teens, early 20's. After Tracey's divorce, Corey and Kayla (18) went to live with the ex. Unfortunately during this time, the ex hasnt cared for Corey the way a mother should or would. I could list some pretty sad instances of that, but I won't right now.

Corey is in the hospital. Last week they called an ambulance to pick him up. He had been sick with cold/flu like symptoms for over a week. The ambulance was more feasible bc his legs are frozen in a triangle position, and it hurts to move him. He has not left his bed in almost 2 years. While the doctors have not given us a definite prognoses yet, Tracey received a call today that he needed to come to the hospital right away to discuss end of life, DNR, etc. Tracey was working 2 hours away, and should be back soon.

Corey is awake. But his lungs are having trouble breathing for him. This is such a hard time for Tracey. As many of you with kids can imagine (even those of us without). I was doing good until today. I think everything is catching up with me. There are so many mixed emotions inside. I broke down putting up the Christmas tree bc I didnt know if it was selfish of me to celebrate while he is hurting. Of course Tracey told me that he loves the tree and it helps him to keep his mind off of things.

We aren't going out of town for Thanksgiving like planned. And I feel bad for being a little sad about that. But I completely understand!

Also on the table is the possibility of the ex losing custody of Corey due to child neglect. And that could open so many different things.

I have also been trying to find out about burial arrangements if it comes to that.

Wow.

With all that said, you guy's know that I don't believe in worrying too much about any given thing. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you...and the stuff you worry about never happens, and the stuff that you never worry about smacks you in the face! So we are taking one day at a time. I just wanted to share with all of you so if something does happen...you knew a little of the back story!

Love you and thanks for reading,

Amy

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dearest Jami-One of my readers!

Thank you so much for your amazing words on one of my posts! I didnt have a way to respond to them, and I didnt know if you would get a notification that I responded, but I replied to your comments on that post!

Obsession

So, do you think it will happen to you? To me? To one of us?

Will we become one of those people so obsessed with maintaining our goal weight that we go to extremes?

I ask because I am not sure if when it is happening, the person knows. And once they get there, I think it is hard for them to recognize what is happening.

The other day, I was reading a thread on LBT started by a bandster who is over a year out and down tons of weight. She has had a tummy tuck already and is under goal weight. She was telling a story about how she is tired of people telling her she has become to obsessed with working out and dieting. It is leading to arguments with her husband and mother. Ah hell, I will just post what she wrote:

"i see members on here that post threads/pictures that say 92 pounds gone FOREVER...50 pounds gone FOREVER and so on and so 4th...i can't seem to grasp the FOREVER part...i'm the 1st person on here to tell people that ask me questions to "just relax and take it day by day"....i can't seem to follow my own advice when it comes to maintaining my loss...i CAN'T relax....i'm scared to death to relax...i don't think any loss from any type of weight loss surgery is FOREVER...i've seen people on here and in my own personal life put their weight back on...(mostly bypass patients)...i'm not doing anything different then i did to lose the weight...but i can't get over this fear of it coming back...i find myself working out harder to make sure it doesnt come back...my husband friends and family don't understand what i am going through...and now think i have a "problem"....who doesnt...lol....i can't live in that misery again...i can't do it...but i can't seem to grasp the FOREVER in my head either...its on my mind all day....everyday....i feel like if i have the FOREVER mind-set i'm going to get lazy....if i feel like if i think i'm invisible to ever gain my weight back i'm kidding myself...i'm happy going to the gym...i happy with what and how i eat...i didn't have to chage much about how i eat....i love meat...i just needed the portion control...i have that with my band...but i want to feel like i'm going to be okay...i want some1 to assure me that i'm going to be okay...that if i keep doing what i'm doing it won't come back...i'm totally stressed out about this... "

Here is what I think. It becomes an obsession when it starts to affect other parts of your life...your relationship, your work, etc. It becomes an obsession when it becomes detrimental. The fact that she posted about this, almost seeking affirmation that she is okay, makes me think that she feels...somewhere deep down inside...that maybe she has lost control. And I told her that much and she agreed. She is really a sweet person and always have such positive things to say about others pictures, and she has lost WAY above average...


It is just interesting, this transferring of addictions. Somehow we have to find a healthy balance and a real way to live.

I have never said "x amount of pounds...gone forever". For me, I don't know if they are gone forever. I don't think the band will last forever, but I hope if that time comes, I have other options. But, I also don't live in fear of the weight coming back. Not everyday fear...although if I am honest a taco bell bender does put some fear into me. But I have always said that I think the band is different than "diets" bc when we use it for good and not for evil (USE THE FORCE LUKE), we learn. We learn a new way of life, living, eating, cooking. That is my hope anyways.
Someone close to me had gastric. She is now too thin, too deflated, and too obsessed with keeping the weight off. She swore before surgery it wouldn't happen to her. But she is also one of those people who has completely changed with her weight loss...and not for the better. With her new found "confidence" she drinks to much and sexes too much.

There is just so much more to all of this then food. But we all knew that. I just wanted to share with you guys and get your thoughts.