Friday, May 8, 2009

Intimidation on a Larger Scale

Little Amy. Age 2ish. 1981ish

I am a legend in my own mind. And I think that is okay. I have my hang ups (you have read about a few of them...whiskers, stretch marks, backfat rolls). However, you have also read how I am a pretty self confident girl. I am a head held high, walk with a little swing in my hips, stand in the middle of a crowd, shake your hand and look you right in your eye kinda girl. I am a people pleaser, and making people laugh and love me is of high importance. On the flip side, I dress my body the way I want, don't care if you think fat girls should hide behind moo-moo's and ill fitting pants. I have a skull tattoo on my wrist, and several star tattoos on my body. If you don't think that is professional...give me some time and you will start to forget them. I am telling you all of this because on the way to work I had some deep thoughts. And I don't want you to think I am full of myself (is it too late:)

I am flirtatious. This drives Tracey crazy...but how does he think I got him :) ?I always have been. Its not hands on flirting, or anything that could get me in trouble. But because I am personable, have never met a stranger, and think I am hot just happens. The weird thing that sometimes I know guys don't want to be attracted to me. And trust me...I am not saying I am some hot babe and that when I walk into the room all the guys are lusting after me. But if you get to know me, work around me, personality can win you over. The weird part I can sense when guys are confused about this attraction. Because some of these guys must feel weird being attracted to such a big girl. I am not the girl in Playboy or winning bikini contests. Guys of course want the pinup girl. But I think they want someone smart, funny, and kind...more than a hard ass, high boobs, and rockin abs. They just have trouble admitting it.

Another weird phenomenon is what happens with people in general in regards to my self-confidence. I think it confuses them. Especially "thin" women in my professional life. I get this vibe from big staff meetings I attend, or when I teach at leadership conventions. I can feel women looking at me and thinking "doesnt she know she is fat"..."how can she just be so out there"?

But here is the skinny (ahahahahah...I had to make a joke). If you have read my very first post on this blog, I think I mentioned my need and obsession since I was a child to be so funny, happy, and...did I say funny...that people forget I am fat. 97% of the time it worked. I was on the dance team from 7th grade on. I had to have my skirt made by sewing two normal sized skirts together. After that I was a cheerleader. Out there doing jumps and cheers in my little outfit along my size 4 friends. My senior year I had the lead in our school play and won Winter Royalty Queen. In college I got into the sorority of my choice. If I wanted something bad enough...I got it.

So why don't you just stay fat Amy?

I want my inside Amy to match my outside Amy....and all of the other wonderful perks that come with being a "normal size". If that ever out world :)

I don't know why I am posting all this. I blame it on Angie and her therapy post yesterday. But it gives you a little more insight into me.


  1. I think you're amazing Amy. Seriously. I wish I had the confidence you are talking about, and so clearly posses. I get some of it - I am loud and friendly and boisterous and all that... But I don't really feel as good as I wish I did.

    I can SOOOO relate to the guys being attracted and confused by their attraction thing. Now it doesn't happen often, but it does sometimes... And it's funny to watch. Unless they're assholes who don't want anyone to know about you, but I think I'm into a blog entry of my own now.

    Thanks for this entry though. Your confidence inspires me, I hope I can be as confident as you are someday. xx

  2. Amy,

    I so know where you are coming from. It's strange, because if you ask any one of my friends, they will say that I am boisterous and funny and very confident, and yet that doesn't match the inside of me somehow. It's a persona of sorts. Like you, I'm aiming to make the outside match the inside (or is it the other way round?) and look at this? We have started already. Yay us!!
    Cara x

  3. Honey, all I can say is, just you watch out world! Cause when your body matches your mind. . . you will be unstoppable!

  4. How well I know this, even when I was thin on the outside but felt as if I was fat. Using the extroverted personality, knowing how to read people and "shape shift" to their personal needs. I listen to people on The Biggest Loser whine about never having a boyfriend or girlfriend and all I can think is, "Um, maybe it's your lousy attitude, self-pity and neediness that are turning people off, NOT your weight." I know that comes out dreadful, but I'm sick of these shows now plotted by skinny people forcing down our throats that fat people are constantly unhappy.

    Trust me, I've been unhappy about my weight, but that's not what made me heavier. I've never had a problem with getting a guy, but I will admit that I most likely used sexually superior techniques at times to really win them over.

    Or, as I would say to misguided friends, "Fat chicks don't f*ck better because they're grateful. Fat chicks f*ck better because it's easier to enjoy yourself and admit that you're less distressed about being 50 pounds overweight than 5."

    If my comments gradually get more odd, it's because I'm going a tad stir-crazy from being alone. I know the last thing I wrote on my personal blog was my missing being alone, but with the boyfriend at work, my daughter at school and me unable to get in the car and drive (which I do so often as a part of my work that I start jonesing really bad to drive - and I love my stick shift) - I kinda hate being alone right now. Not that I'd even be sociable more or anything. I just want some other company around. *shrug* Am I starting to lose my mind from the band? Hahahaha