Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Things I Will Never Understand: The Light Version

1. Wearing your pants so slow and/or so big you have to hold the crotch with one hand at all times. Seriously? How and why?

2. Handwashing. It's slightly overrated. I am just going to put it out there. Do you think in the olden days that are great-grandparents rinsed and washed and counted to 20 while sudsing up all the time? No. And they lived. Granted...they lived on average, 20 years less than the normal life expectancy of today *, but still. There is nothing a good case of dysentery won't teach you**

*I made that statistic up
**I don't even really know what dysentery is or if you can get it from dirty hands.

3. People who don't flush. By choice. My sister used to have this motto, "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down." Uh no. My motto is "Flush it...everytime and sometimes in between."

4. Panty lines. I do understand that sometime one does not know they have a panty line. But when you are all dressed up and looking good in either some slacks or a nice little skirt, and I can see your panty line cutting your ass cheek in half...it ruins it for me. Why even try? I promise you...there are comfy thongs out there. Don't be scurred. Try some different styles. OR, just don't wear any underwear! That would never work for me of course bc I have lady balls and they need support. But for you...MAYBE!

5. Inside farts. Do you know what I am talking about? When you can't let it out and you hold it in and then you actually here the fart...inside of you? That can't be good can it? Where does it go?

6. Republicans. HAHAHAHAH...juuuuust kidding. I love republican, democrats, independents... But that was kinda funny for a second right?

7. The smell of Carmex. Must it smell like Vic's Vapor Rub? Does that make it "serious" chapstick?

8. Pickles that don't have calories. How can something not have any calories? And if a calorie is a unit of energy, then does that mean if I ate a jar of pickles I wouldn't get any energy? So if I was on Survivor or something, it would be pointless to eat them?

9. People who don't like cheese. Makes no sense to me.

10. People who make their status updates on Facebook something super vague and super leading at the same time. A good example..."I can't believe that happened to me. It was horrible. Don't ask me what. I can't talk about it".

THEN WHY DID YOU POST THAT DAMN STATUS UPDATE? You feel me? You dig?

16 comments:

  1. When I see boys with the pants hanging down thing, I just want them to fall down completely - even have to fight the urge to pull those suckers down just for the fun of it - it's strange world in my head.

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  2. I thought just us old folks had issues with the pants thing!

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  3. So I found you from somewhere...I don't really remember where;) but I totally agree with Nella...Great post!!!!

    http://shrinkindeb.blogspot.com/

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  4. I agree with all of these except the farts. That has never happened to me. But I do have a friend who is the queen of vague facebook drama status updates.

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  5. inside farts.......i always thought the sound was from them returing back to where they came from orginaly :) like vrrrrrmp.......not today gotta go back to the house :)

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  6. i love me a good dose of Amy Sunshine! You are like Aristotle with this post... A Philosophy for the ages... Add to it people that say "No offense But" and then say something completely offensive... WTF is that?

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  7. Vaguebooking makes me absolutely crazy... I have a friend who vaguebooks like it's her job.. I NEVER comment on people who can't be clear on their statuses!! They are just asking for attention!

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  8. too funny!

    all i gotta say is....

    right!

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  9. I think dysentry is the shits...I guess you could get it from unwashed hands, if you had shit on your hands! I hate handwashing; I buy those little mesh bags & do my handwashing in the machine on a gentle cycle. I believe pickles have calories but it's like 5 calories a pickle. At least in Canada, pickles have calories!

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  10. @Blossom, I think she means actual washing of the hands. And, Amy you can ask Typhoid Mary what you can get from not washing your hands, lol! I actually saw two thugs with the baggy pants get out of a car in the middle of an intersection and get in a fist fight, with one hand each, because they were holding up their pants! Crazy. And #5, I almost choked, you are so funny, now I'm on to read the serious post, because I follow instructions!

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  11. @Blossom, my attempt at being funny fell short when I left out a line...that's what I get for trying to make spelling corrections!

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  12. HILARIOUS!!!! I am tempted to put that on my Facebook status!! LOL!

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  13. I used to do HR at a very upscale retirement community, and the independent living residents were extremely well-to-do and pretty savvy. When we were in the midst of a big drought in CA, our new Executive Director at the time told the residents at a Town Hall Meeting "If it's yellow, let it mellow...". Yep, he didn't last long.

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  14. Lots of good questions. Regarding the inside farts, be careful. I heard after so many you explode.

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