Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Oprah, Lesbians, and Food

One wonders, from time to time, when food will no longer serve as our Kryptonite, the impetus to a landslide of self hatred.

And one also wonders, and fears, if the answer is: NEVER. We will never be free of the fight.

So. Okay. I have been fighting the battle for, let's say, over 25 years. And some of you have been fighting it for much longer than that. And now...we are winning. I would consider myself on the winning side. But it's still a fight.

And mommy no likey.

Did anyone catch Oprah yesterday? Portia de Rossi was on, pitching her new book and talking about her battle with anorexia and bulimia. It was interesting to watch, made me cry a little, open my eyes a little, roll my eyes a little, and made me think.

The Part That Opened My Eyes

She was reading an excerpt from her book about how after eating some yogurt, she felt horrible and fat, and she would look at herself in the mirror and call herself horrible, hateful things. It was a long list of words like fat, worthless, ugly, lazy, etc. Heather was watching with me and she said "Dang"...which made me think that she thought it was pretty extreme what Portia was saying about herself. To me...all I was thinking was...that sounds familiar. And I wasn't ready to have the discussion out loud yet, but I want (and will) ask Heather..."Don't you talk to yourself in your head like that sometimes?" Because...don't you? I just thought we all did. I certainly do. When I am really inside my head (I like to say that bc it sounds better than saying 'when I am really beating myself up') I say horrible things to me...about me. I say them because at the time, I want myself to feel terrible. I want to be wrapped in misery. I think I am trying to make myself accept the fact that I am all of those horrible things...because if I could accept the fact...then I could just get on with it.

In otherwords...if I am fat, ugly, lazy, loud, stupid, and therefore unworthy of love...and if I accept it...I could stop looking for it.

But I know that I am not those things. I know that most of the time anyways. But I wanted you to know that even shiny bright Amy talks shit about herself.

The Part That Made Me Roll My Eyes

Portia, with her 5'8" frame, starved herself down to 86 pounds. During her recovery, she went up to 167. And that is when she met Ellen. If you have seen Portia these days, she ain't no 167. She is pretty damn thin. Oprah asked her what she does now. Her answer...She lives an active life and walks her dogs.


no ma'am.

I also had a problem with the fact that she said when she starved herself down to skeleton state, it showed how much discipline and self-control she had. And she still seemed proud of that. Which I think sends a terrible message to the women watching and now wanting...to have that same "self-control".

I did enjoy though when she was talking about how several years ago she was the face of Loreal makeup and she went for a photoshoot. They had all of these skirts for her to try on...in a size 4. All of them, over 15 skirts, were too tight and didnt fit. The director yelled "No one told me she was a size 8!!!" Oprah said, "Shoot, size 8 is my goal size".

Everything is relative.

The Part That Made Me Cry

Honestly didn't have anything to do with weight. It had to do with her coming out, the recent suicides of gay kids, and taking Ellen's last name. I will say here on this blog, because I never really said thank you...Thank You.

When I first told all of you about Heather, do you know that I didn't get ONE negative email or comment? I don't know if I lost any followers, I know that the next day the number of people following me actually increased. But I was ready for whatever anyone wanted to say. And every comment or email you sent me was nothing but supportive.

And what made me think of that is because Portia said if more people would come out and be who they are, less people would feel ashamed and hate themselves.

She also officially changed her last name to Degeneres...and Oprah asked her why that was important. And she explained, through tears, the importance of marrying the person you love, of becoming part of them.

And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that right now, in the state of Florida and I think 42 other states, I cannot marry the person I love. I could go change my last name I suppose, but that's not really the point. I think that it must be a good quality I possess that I believe that people are better than that. I forget that people think that because I love someone built the same as me, I do not deserve the same rights. I can't put on a pretty white dress, wear a pretty diamond, write my vows, and legally be bound to her.


Times are changin. I know. It still is hard.

And I know some of you are probably thinking...who in the hell wants to be married anyways?

OOOOH....MEEEE! Don't you remember Barbie and her little ring that poked through her plastic webbed fingers? The one you would lose just about as quickly as you would lose her little pink high heels or the damn Barbie hairbrush? Barbie and Ken weddings were a big deal in my Barbie table (I didnt have a barbie house, my dad built me a "barbie desk" instead...I will find you the picture).

Anyways...I guess it wouldnt be a Barbie Ken wedding would it? hahah...it's Barbie and Barbie now baby!

So there you go, a post about Oprah, lesbians, and food. A trifecta if you ask me.


  1. I didn't watch that but now I wish I would have. I love you too turd Skittle.

  2. I so totally love you! That's all I wanted to say.

  3. Great post... I'm glad you are so honest with us, and more importantly with yourself... because lord knows I still talk smack to myself... just 'cause the weight has gone doesn't mean the voices went with it!!! Love you girl... I KNOW you'll be able to marry Heather some day. Hopefully sooner than later.

  4. I call myself those bad names too often. I wish you could get married....you should move to Canada!

  5. Amy, maybe I'm showing my age here, but the wedding would be Barbie and Midge (the sporty friend of Barbie!) This is a great post. I caught a little snipet online of Portia and found it disturbing too that she commented on the willpower it took to get to 86 pounds, and how she felt like she was doing it partly for her career. I guess it's easy to feel like the fat chick when you're on Allie McBeal!
    totally random thought for the day: In Chicago when you chased the tequilla with a ginger snap, we all had true lemon and true lime in our goodie bags, never thought of that! Oh well! have a good one sweetness!

  6. I totally talk to myself like that all the time...your not alone :) I think everyone does :)

  7. You know, I don't think I left a comment when you revealed your relationship with Heather to the Internetz. Sexual orientation is such a non-issue to me and my social group that I don't even really think about it any more. I honestly forget what a huge issue it is for so many people, and I think that I really failed to think about what a huge "thing" you were revealing. I'm sorry for that!

    Let me take a moment now to say (in case I didn't before):
    Congratulations on finding someone to be with who complements you so well! May your lives be blessed with love and laughter ♥

  8. Awww I didn't see Oprah because DANG IT I work during the day and haven't bought a DVR. Anybody know if I can record stuff with Comcast Digital Starter package? I guess I could call.

    Ok back to the topic. I so LOVE Ellen!! She is funny and insightful and I love her and Portia together. I have said in the past that I could give a rat's butt who marries who. Love is universal. I say you and Heather should take a vaca to where ever they allow same sex marriages and do it there. It's won't be the same when you get back home but at least you can say that you two are married even if the state doesn't recognize it YET!!

    Love you Amykins!!! You don't know how much you inspire me really.

  9. Hi Amy. I only started reading your blog a couple of months ago so I wasn't around when you wrote about your relationship with Heather. And even though I am not gay, my little sister is a lesbian and it breaks my heart that she cannot marry her partner. There is no one in the world that can provide me any justification that makes any sense as to why 2 loving, consenting adults should not be allowed to marry. To me, it is a basic human right. Someday - hopefully sooner rather than later - this country will catch up. Until then, just keep loving each other.

    Libby - http://thisonetimeinbandcamp.blogspot.com/

  10. i too wanted to watch that episode but missed it...
    i did read that quote from her about getting down to that weight was an excercise in self control etc an i too thought the same thing until i remembered that recovering from eating disorders is a minute by minute thing, i know i struggle with it. but on the flip side how ridiculous would i sound if i commented how much discliplne it took maintaining my svelte 300 pound body by a steady diet of poptarts and quarter pounder extra value meals? oh yes, for the record i do have a pool of drool on my mouth now!!
    i don't know if this is coming out right, but i 1000% agree with you!
    come visit me in ct, you can get married here!
    5'8" and 167 pounds?? yeah not bloody likely!
    i'm interested what heather says when you ask her!
    love you pookie pie

  11. Well I have been tossing up what I was going to call my band and this post has confirmed my suspicions...I will be naming my band 'Portia' (It was a toss between Chloe, Nicole or Portia)


  12. Aw Amy another amazing post! Do you know how smart and insightful and well-spoken you are!?! Seriously!

    Now stop that bad self-talk. You don't deserve it. None of us do! Getting rid of that mean person inside of my head is one of my biggest goals. Its working!

    And about Heather. I'm so glad you did not get even a single negative comment, that gives me hope for this world (okay, its only the blogworld, but still). And you totally deserve to be Barbie for a day!

  13. I constantly degrade myself every time I look in the mirror, usually in my head but sometimes out loud; then my husband hears me and he gets mad at me. However, I'm certain that most, if not all women do it. How can we not?

    And it'll be a fine day when you and Heather can be married in any state you choose.

    Christina (www.daegufatty.blogspot.com)

  14. Love is love. Period. Everyone deserves the right to marry the person they love.

  15. In Australia Gay marriage isn't an option at all :(

    I feel for you x