Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bitch and Moan...It happens

Something is wrong with me this week. Something is a little off. I am so tired lately. Exhausted tired. Crawl into the fetal position and take a nap in my pencil skirt exhausted. Things are bothering more than other times, while other things that usually bother me...aren't.

Basically I would like to sum this feeling up with one word: &^#(&*^#&*(^)*@@!

I wonder if it is my uncanny knack for pushing things deep inside that bother me...until they spill over. I wonder if I am premenstrual...and thus all doom and gloom. I wonder if perhaps the fact that I have barely been drinking water or eating anything nutritious is starting to affect my energy level.

I just don't know. Probably all of those things. A funk trifecta if you will.

So let me just bitch and moan, in hopes that it will be a cathartic release. And I do realize that my issues are minor in the grand scheme of life...and that some of you are dealing with huge things right please don't think I really am pretending to be Chicken Little with my "sky is falling melodrama".

Moan #1: I just don't know how to feel about Christmas this year or how to approach it. I love Christmas. More than any holiday, more than my own birthday. And since I am not a religious person, Christmas has always just been a time of giving, family, love, Christmas lights, and all the goodies that one can list. I wouldn't care if I didn't get a single present...but I love to give them. I love my Christmas tree. I love laying in bed at night and seeing the glow from the Christmas lights on the house. I love Christmas parties and baking.

You get my drift.

But this year...I am struggling with the idea of decorating. I do plan on doing it. I want to hang the lights this weekend. But I am haunted by the fact that the house is not mine. Being in the house, at certain times, is anything but festive or peaceful (read: not because of Heather...but other things). So, do I put up my Christmas tree knowing that it will probably be resented? Do I put up my Christmas tree and lights knowing that our house won't be a place of festivities? I will I think. But my heart is weary. And so I have also thought..."Well Amy...can't you go one Christmas without the lights and tinsel?"

And yes. But I don't want to.

And to top it off, Heather doesn't really like Christmas. She doesn't like the stress of having to buy...It's just not a big thing to her.

So I feel like I will be celebrating and decorating only for myself. And that's sad. It makes me want to cry right now.

So. That's that.

Moan #2

I am tired and can't really figure out why. I do think that my lack of healthy, body fueling foods might be playing a part...and I am working on formulating a plan of attack. I will keep you posted.

Moan #3

Money is so tight right now. I wonder if I will always live paycheck to paycheck. I wish I could afford a pair of winter shoes or a winter coat. Right now...I have neither. And trust me...I don't mean that I couldnt find the money to buy a coat (it's not that bad), but it's hard to justify it when there are other things that take priority. It's a good thing I live in Florida huh?

Moan #4

I never got that fill. I am pretty glad I didn't. I am throwing up several times a day. It's really annoying. And it's not always bc I eat to fast or eat the wrong things. Maybe it is. Maybe I should go back to soups. I dont know!!!! I just don't know. But today I tried to eat a hamburger patty...knowing that I already felt stuck for some odd reason.

I ate it, knowing full well it would come back up.

And when it did, I ate some more...knowing that it too would come back up. And it did. All of it. That is unhealthy behavior. And not normal for me. But I just wanted to taste it. I just didn't care.


The end.


  1. I love you buttercup. I get the holiday thing. Rambo hates what Cmas has come to represent and that makes me sad...cuz sometimes he's right. It's hard isn't it?

  2. Sorry sweetie. I am not decorating this year because we are going to Daytona Beach with our RV. I am not a big fan of decorating per se, but I do it. Hope you feel better soon!

  3. Hope you feel better soon. Re the throwing up -do you think you're too tight? I just had a small unfill this morning - hoping that does the trick for me. Keep smiling, sunshine.

  4. I love to decorate for Christmas and I am sad when I can't, so I completely understand how you feel.

    A little unsolicited advice? You and Heather need a place of your own. Somewhere you can be happy and feel comfortable to to your own thing and put up your Christmas decorations and live the way you want to without having walk on eggshells and worry about conflict. And this is just my opinion but you shouldn't have to go without your lights, tree and tinsel, if you don't want to. Just saying.

    I feel, from reading your blog that your living situation is contributing a great deal to your stress and the feelings of sadness and unhappiness that you are struggling with. That these feelings are also contributing to your inability to get yourself back on your chosen track.

    Maybe I am completely wrong. Feel free to tell me to butt out and STFU. lol

  5. Funk trifecta - that sounds like that is what the problem is! A little bit of everything - bitching and moaning is always a good release and we are here to listen!

    #1: I have gone a year or two in my life not decorating and I will say - it sucks! I just love sitting in the dark looking at the tree all decorated and lit up, I always feel so cozy. So, I would say that if things are that crazy at the house, maybe you still decorate but take it easy - don't go crazy! Maybe this will also give Heather the chance to see that fretting over gifts isn't all there is to Christmas - even though that is a huge part of it!

    #2: Yes, not so good food choices def get in the way of my energy.

    #3: I totally know where you are coming from. Dan and I are really trying to limit our spending - meaning only buying necessaries until we pay off our CC debt. Boring! I really need to think about what it is that I want and what it is that I need, boo...

    #4: Being tired can contribute to what you can get down. Maybe you just need to start with focusing on good food choices - that should be step number 1 for now. Then, maybe some other things will kinda fall back into place??

    I hope you start to feel better soon, honey bunny! <3

  6. Amy, I'm sorry you are having a tough time. When my boys and I were displaced from the first Hurricane, we lived in a tiny little travel trailer, so for Christmas I strung lights inside on the bunk beds and got the tiniest little self lit tree and put it on the little table. We would turn the lights out and just check out the glow, maybe you could just decorate your bedroom so it would just be yours. Take care of yourself you worry me!

  7. Thinking of you my friend... your "funk trifecta" (LOVE that term) is not a good place for you and I am hopeful you get out of it soon... and if the only place you can decorate with lights for yourself is your bedroom, do it... if that is what makes you happy, do it... you need to be as happy as you can be!!! Love you. And thinking of you.

  8. Oh, Amy, my heart goes out to you! I'm glad you bitched and moaned and didn't just suck it all in to fester and pester.

    Re: Christmas. You gotta do it. If the others resent you, that's their problem. As for Heather, maybe she might not buy into the fuss about Christmas but I'm sure she does love a happy you and I'm sure she does love the spirit you bring. I'd say talk to her. It doesn't have to be about the fuss - but about the spirit that you talked about being so important to you. I am absolutely certain she will embrace that - especially when she sees what it does for you.

    Re: The tired. Umm..the tired and the being off and the all of this makes me say that maybe you need a vacation or a long weekend. Decompress and enjoy all that you love without stress...

    My heart goes out to you and I am worried that something is going on that you might not have talked about yet. I hope you are talking to Heather!

    Re: Money...I hate that one, too. Hang in there and keep making all the tough and wise decisions that you do. Sure doesn't help the shopping desire you have right now, but I can only hope it will get better soon for you.

    Re: Fill...I'm thinking that all this ties into the tired and being off. Take a deep breath and relax. The hamburger isn't a bad thing in and of itself. And if you are eating slow and chewing and all that, maybe something else is going on. Just before I get sick (cold, for example), my band will be tricky and cause me misery. And maybe, if you're catching a cold, that explains the tired and the off, too. So I'm thinking you need a good weekend of chillaxing and no stress. Grab Heather and go somewhere quiet for some just-you-two time.

    And in the meantime, I'm sending big big hugs!


  9. Awwww...
    I was eating like crap because I was too tight, got an unfill, been eating great ever since and TADA!!! I feel like a million fucking bucks!

    Sending you the good vibes! Have you tried cocaine? Just a wee bit goes a long way.

  10. o-m-g freakin Joey!

    Amy, start with YOU and the things you can control. Eat/excercise the way you know will make you feel better. The sky falls much less faster when you FEEL good and your head's on, forward.

  11. So sorry Amy. Honestly, I think we all go through times like this... and it is hard to pull yourself up. But you will... and you will feel like yourself again. I am with Heather. I actually really dislike Christmas... stressful, dramafilled, and full of work. My husband however loves it. You actually made me realize that maybe I should try a little harder for him.


  12. Sorry for all the BS. I wish I could fix it.

  13. Sorry about everything that is bringing you deserve so much better.
    Talk to can only help.

  14. Sorry Amy. I have to say: decorating is absolutely necessary. You feel bad now? How will you feel with NO Christmas cheer surrounding you? Decorate wherever and whatever you can. Forget thinking you can live without it. You can't!

    I bet it will help a bunch, and maybe Heather will even get a little bit into the spirit. As a mom & wife, all of the decorating /buying /planning/ entertaining falls on me and me alone! I resent it sometimes but it is worth it.

  15. Amy just can be the little girl from whoville tell the roommate it's xmas and to screw ..and I bet they will end up liking the xmas cheer. Hang in there! Love you xo

  16. I hate seeing you sad, because you are such a shining light to us all! Money troubles stink on ice, no two ways about it!

    I like the idea of you decorating your room- twinkle lights and some sparkly things are sure to cheer you up.

    Buck up, buckeroo!

    Feel free to bitch and moan as much as you need to. This is a safe place, and we all love you!!!! We need to get you on Oprah- that would cheer you up!

  17. I will be decorating with you this weekend (you have to decorate by the way!) because I want to enjoy my Christmas decorations for as long as possible! If it makes you happy baby girl, do it. And if Heather thinks Christmas is stressful because of the pressure with presents; show her the other side. Spending time with family, snuggling by the tree...there are alot of really wonderful things about the season. I am with you on the funk trifecta...I am hoping to snap out of it while hanging wreathes outside this weekend!

  18. I'm sorry for the funk - but I think you definitely need to decorate in some way. There's nothing better for the soul then sitting in a dark and quiet room looking at some Christmas lights. Maybe like Tessierose said, just put some lights in your room - and don't worry about the rest. One year I put up red lights around the curtain rods in my bedroom and I kept those things lit for the better part of a year because I just loved looking at them. Hmmmmm, in fact, maybe I'll do that again this year. Hang in there.

  19. I have read your blog for a long time now and I know you don't know me and I certainly don't know you but I know that you make people happy and you have sparkle. I think it might be good for you to decorate Pensacola with your cheer and sparkle by volunteering your time during the holidays. It wouldn't cost you a thing and I think it might make your heart happy.

    Also no matter what you have a home in blogland. Please take some time and enjoy in decorating your blog for the holidays!

  20. Sunshine... You are forgetting one important fact... "Home is where you hang your heart", so where Heather is = your home. You need to be comfy where you are until you can be where you want and don't worry about the money thing. There will be easier times... I'm sure of it. Your work life may be fulfilling since you are helping people but money doesn't usually follow. Create some new traditions with Heather and don't let Scrooge ruin your first Christmas together. (Or be the first Miss Merry Christmas to be caught with her tinsel down around her knees...) XOXO, I'm here if you need me, *M*

  21. I just want to hug you and rock you right now. I am just slow and just now reading this, but I hope things get better. I understand each and every one of your Moans and you are allowed. Maybe you can make Christmas a new experience for Heather. As for the house thing, just do it for you it's ok. You deserve some happiness too.