Something is wrong with me this week. Something is a little off. I am so tired lately. Exhausted tired. Crawl into the fetal position and take a nap in my pencil skirt exhausted. Things are bothering more than other times, while other things that usually bother me...aren't.
Basically I would like to sum this feeling up with one word: &^#(&*^#&*(^)*@@!
I wonder if it is my uncanny knack for pushing things deep inside that bother me...until they spill over. I wonder if I am premenstrual...and thus all doom and gloom. I wonder if perhaps the fact that I have barely been drinking water or eating anything nutritious is starting to affect my energy level.
I just don't know. Probably all of those things. A funk trifecta if you will.
So let me just bitch and moan, in hopes that it will be a cathartic release. And I do realize that my issues are minor in the grand scheme of life...and that some of you are dealing with huge things right now...so please don't think I really am pretending to be Chicken Little with my "sky is falling melodrama".
Moan #1: I just don't know how to feel about Christmas this year or how to approach it. I love Christmas. More than any holiday, more than my own birthday. And since I am not a religious person, Christmas has always just been a time of giving, family, love, Christmas lights, and all the goodies that one can list. I wouldn't care if I didn't get a single present...but I love to give them. I love my Christmas tree. I love laying in bed at night and seeing the glow from the Christmas lights on the house. I love Christmas parties and baking.
You get my drift.
But this year...I am struggling with the idea of decorating. I do plan on doing it. I want to hang the lights this weekend. But I am haunted by the fact that the house is not mine. Being in the house, at certain times, is anything but festive or peaceful (read: not because of Heather...but other things). So, do I put up my Christmas tree knowing that it will probably be resented? Do I put up my Christmas tree and lights knowing that our house won't be a place of festivities? I will I think. But my heart is weary. And so I have also thought..."Well Amy...can't you go one Christmas without the lights and tinsel?"
And yes. But I don't want to.
And to top it off, Heather doesn't really like Christmas. She doesn't like the stress of having to buy...It's just not a big thing to her.
So I feel like I will be celebrating and decorating only for myself. And that's sad. It makes me want to cry right now.
So. That's that.
I am tired and can't really figure out why. I do think that my lack of healthy, body fueling foods might be playing a part...and I am working on formulating a plan of attack. I will keep you posted.
Money is so tight right now. I wonder if I will always live paycheck to paycheck. I wish I could afford a pair of winter shoes or a winter coat. Right now...I have neither. And trust me...I don't mean that I couldnt find the money to buy a coat (it's not that bad), but it's hard to justify it when there are other things that take priority. It's a good thing I live in Florida huh?
I never got that fill. I am pretty glad I didn't. I am throwing up several times a day. It's really annoying. And it's not always bc I eat to fast or eat the wrong things. Maybe it is. Maybe I should go back to soups. I dont know!!!! I just don't know. But today I tried to eat a hamburger patty...knowing that I already felt stuck for some odd reason.
I ate it, knowing full well it would come back up.
And when it did, I ate some more...knowing that it too would come back up. And it did. All of it. That is unhealthy behavior. And not normal for me. But I just wanted to taste it. I just didn't care.