Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Things I Will Never Understand: The Heavy Version

I wanted to preface this post with the Light Version of Things I Will Never Understand, bc I knew that I wanted to write about some more serious issues in this one. So if you are reading out of order, go back and read the other post...have a giggle...

There are some things that I struggle with on a daily basis. Things that I just can't understand. And most of those things deal with other people. Other humans. And in all honesty, I don't know if I SHOULD even try to understand...bc people are crazy. And that is a fact.

But I do not understand, what I will now term as, Perpetual Miserites. Perpetual Miserites are people who live in the village of perpetual misery. They wallow around in it, cover themselves in it, and then scream or moan from the pile of horseshit they have created about how miserable they are. And because they are so miserable, they want...with every ounce of their being, to make others miserable.

That is the only thing that brings them "happiness".

I do not understand these people.

It is true that life comes with no manual. No "How To" for easy living. And it is true that some people had shitty childhoods, or crappy parents, or shitty partners and lovers. But I do not believe, that ultimately, that gives you an excuse to be a shitty person. I believe that on most days, most of us have a choice in the way our day, week, or life is going to look. As I write this, and in all the thought I have given this over the last few months, I am fully aware that when I complain or feel sad that I am not putting up my Christmas tree this year, or that I hate my living situation...it is my choice where I live and what I choose to do or not to do.

It really is up to me.

And sometimes we make sacrificies because there are often more human beings that rely on us or are tied to our actions. Most of us don't operate independently.


I don't understand wanting or choosing to bring others down.

And here is where I struggle. Because I don't understand it, because I don't believe in it, and because it is the opposite of where I come from emotionally and mentally...I am not sure how to deal with it.

I want to shake Perpetual Miserites and say FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! But the other part of me, the Good Amy wants to show them that no matter how horrible they are, I will not be horrible in return. But that can become exhausting. And what ends up happening is I do become Bad Amy and decide to give them a dose of their own medicine. Which doesn't feel good...but I want to say "Why am I trying if you aren't"?

I typically would say rid yourself of these negative people. I hear you saying now "Well, you have a CHOICE don't you Amy". And you are right. I do. And I am choosing to try and deal for awhile. I am trying to make the best of what it is right now.

Yuck. I hate that.

So I don't know what the best way to deal with the situation is. I don't know how to be the better person. I don't know if I should ignore or try to lift the Miserite.

And do you know what REALLY chaps my hide? When these people who are nothing but assholes to you for weeks on weeks, then want something from you.

WHAAAAAT? You gotta be kidding me right.

But there is that part of me that wants to help because I think it is the right thing to do.


I just don't know.

What I am trying to do is focus on the happiness in my life. I am trying to remind myself I shouldn't give power or energy to an evil spirit (it's like playing with a Ouji board...never a good idea). I am trying to find respite in what I do know, in who I do love, and what I know is good.

I welcome your thoughts though.


  1. Sigh....

    I wish there were an easy answer for this. I'm (rather we, my hubby and I) are dealing with this right now with my hubby's mom. She's a miserite...and she wants to wallow in 'no one lets me'...but she makes her choices - which tend to exclude her from the things she claims no one lets her do...

    Ugh. Don't get me started. It drives us batty and we are at the point where we are questioning even talking to her. We are supposed to spend Christmas with her and we are dreading that - enough so that we want to flee the state.

    My hubby, in spite of having miserites for parents managed to not become one himself. He see's that they both are making their own choices. I think that's hard - to be raised by such people and to evade that philosophy. I have a deep respect for my hubby in learning more about him - and his parents.

    I don't know that there is anything you can do but take care of you. I can say, don't feel guilty about any of it. Even if you choose to not help, you've done nothing wrong.

    At the end of the day, you have to take care of you. And you also have to be able to sleep with yourself. Whatever it is that you have to do to find that peace, that's your answer. Sometimes the "high road" isn't the obvious choice. Enabling such behavior can be as bad as responding to it.

    I feel for you, chica. You deserve peace and love in your life. I pray that you and Heather can move on soon. I have watched you, over the past few months, embrace a love that is special and incredible and one that makes life have meaning. And while that's all unfolded, this other thing festering in the background is taking it's toll on you. YOU are not doing anything wrong. Of that, I am certain. DO NOT feel guilty for that!

    Much love to you!

  2. You've described my inlaws to a T (is that the right phrase?). Anyhoo...they're horrible nasty people but because they love my girls and my girls love them, I've put up with it. But after a recent argument with them...I'm done. Like you said, there are certain times when you just have to remove them from your life... perform a miseritectomy and get rid of 'em. Hope this situation works itself out for you. HUGS!

  3. I've been in both positions: the one who's miserable and the one who's not. Sometimes I've been in both positions on the same day :)

    All I can say is that it's hard. It's hard to watch an acquaintance or loved one wallow in sadness and misery, year after year (no, seriously). It's hard to feel like you have to lift them up because they can't do it for themselves and they don't have other people to help them. It's hard to walk the fine line between being supportive and getting completely sucked in.

    And sometimes you just have to let go. Not because you don't love the other person. Not because you don't want them to be happy or successful. But because there's only so much you can do whilst retaining your own sanity and only so much you can watch another person suffer and do nothing about the suffering.

    It's also hard to be that wallowing person. To feel mired down and stuck and not see a way out (or to feel like the way out is utterly impossible to reach). Its hard to see the people you love sharing in your suffering. And sometimes it's maddening when they try to help you.

    Ultimately, I know that those wallowing parts of me have to find their way to the light because of me, not because of anybody else. While I value and respect the people who put up with my shit on my down days, the onus is on me to make it better. And that's hard, too :)

    In any event, I feel for you. And I feel for the other person. I hope that (s)he finds the light, and I hope that you can walk away if you need to. It's a sucky place to be.

  4. Some people are just happy being miserable - they were born that way I think!

    I agree, don't give anyone the power to control you by bringing you into their misery! Let them stew in their own juices.

    Life is too short!

  5. I think I know who you are thinking of when you describe the Miserite, Should I say it? My mother... and unfortunately misery loves company... and there's nothing more contagious than Pessimism and Misery. I am drained from just thinking about it. It is exhausting... and I can't imagine someone being able to stay miserable in your presence... It's like hating on the sun or rainbows! It just hit me...You weren't talking about my mom, were you?

  6. I with a Miserite for ten years, and one thing I learned is the more you try to lift them up, the more they resent it on some level (whether conscious or not) and become determined to grind you into the ground.

    So, in practicality, ignore. But that doesn't cover every contingency... sometimes we feel obligated or even led to try to lift them up.

    Urrrrgh. Basically, I got nothing. Best of wishes to you, though. It's difficult to deal with no matter where it's coming from.

  7. edit to add "WAS with"... not just "with" in that first line. My kingdom for an editing function on these comments...

  8. I am not really a voice of reason on this because I do let this people piss me off and end up saying "if they don't care neither do I". I have tried hard to stay away from these people the last few years because it's so draining.

    Do the best you can to deal with the situation and not feel taken advantage of.

  9. Okay, I am a "life is too damn short" person. I say remove as much negativity and misery as possible. Enough bad things happen in life as it is, I really don't think any of us need to be pulled down. I say limit contact as much as possible and if they ask why, be honest, and say that you just need to focus on things that lift you up right now.

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  11. If you can limit your contact with this person, I'd do that. If that isn't an option, I say kill them with kindness! And be happy you AREN'T them.

    So sorry you have such a negative force in your life.

  12. Amy, I don't know if there is a difference between a miserite (btw I had to look that word up cause I didnt know if it was a word.. but it is a mineral.. ok geeky me).. anyway what I was saying I dont know if there is a difference between a misterite or a toxic person.. but just google "how to deal with Toxic people" and you will see there is a ton of info on this.. some people just love to be miserable . hence the saying misery loves company.. the ONLY way to shut this down is to confront it.. face to face and tell the person exactly how you feel. they are your feelings.. so there is no argument.. good luck.. hope things brighten.. but Camille is right.. life is too short to let people F^ck with you

  13. Wow, that's deep. I got nothin'. :/


    Since you love Oprah as much as I do, I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase "You teach people how to treat you." If you continue to let the debbie-downer-my glass is full & half-empty with sh*t-type of people ruin your party, then you are giving them power over you.

    I know several people who are always in a state of 'woe is me' and I've moved on. You can only help people who want to help themselves. Not to sound too cliche yet again, but it's true.

  14. You've got a lot of good advice above. All I can say is that it is much easier to bring somebody down than it is to bring somebody up. It doesn't sound like you can avoid this person, but I don't think you should waste energy and sacrifice your own happiness in an attempt to make this person happy. You shouldn't feel guilty about letting them stay miserable, if you have already made attempts to help. I would just try to stay out of their dark cloud as much as possible.

  15. I've had these kinds of people in my life my entire life. I too try to make them happy, rather inexplicably. I've had to grow up to realize that they're bottomless pits, never to be filled, no matter what you do. I don't understand it either. And yet I'm drawn to a different one every time I manage to finally scrape the last piece of shit off my shoe. They're usually happy with me in the very beginning and then become the life-draining abusive beings (because that's what they are - they're ABUSIVE) in their regular nature and I will bite my lip and hold my breath and hope it's a phase. Which it never is. And then I get to be their newest personal asshole when I get rid of them. Or try to. You ever notice these people will become even more obsessed with you AFTER you've told them to get the fuck out of your life?

  16. I hate miserites, truly I do. But as many people said - it's all about the power. Keep yours close and you'll be okay. You keep your power. You shower people with love and flowers and smiles and beauty and if they don't feel the love and then return the love - that's about them, it's not even a teeny tiny bit about you. You can't change them or where they are or how they act - you can only own what you do and be comfortable with it.

    If you end up pressured into things you don't like then work on your avoidance techniques; I've got a headache and am going to lie down for a bit will always work. There's nothing wrong (in my opinion with a self preserving white lie).

    Good luck!