Sunday, August 9, 2009

Mixed Emotions

This weekend Tracey and I went over to one of his friends from high school for a post reunion high school pool party. I should take that back. Pool party implies that people were enjoying the pool. I quickly realized that although the ladies there were great, they were all concerned about being in a swimsuit..

And as you have learned, I do not really care. I mean I am concerned what I look like...but I can shove that somewhere back in my mind so I don't let my body inhibit how good of time I will have. So I did. And I had a great time. Tracey and I played with the kids, having diving contests, etc. I did a cartwheel off of the diving board...I did toe touches, flips. All 242 pounds of my fabulousness.

Then...today...I saw the pictures.


















Tracey looks pretty awesome yes? I on the other hand do not. I am not looking for affirmation and love, or seeking compliments. But I just hate that I do not feel this fat! (That sounded weird)I guess I didn't estimate how my loose fat and skin would shift and move like it was possessed by an inner alien just waiting to break out. I do not feel that I look like this. And now, I feel embarrassed. And I dont get embarrassed easily. But while I feel that the crowd was thinking "I can't believe she has the much self-confidence", I wonder now if they were thinking "Damn she is huge. I hope she doesnt break the diving board."

21 comments:

  1. HONESTLY? I think you are a little hard on yourself. In the aerial split, look at your extension and the point of your toes, girl you look great. I don't think you look fat either. I don't see a lot of loose skin or fat. We are our own worst enemies, I think these pics are a true testament to your Fabulousness! And the crowds were mentally holding up 10 signs in the thier heads for the split. The cartwheel..8.5 :) You got my props!

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  2. Oh Amy,

    You know what I saw when I looked at the pics: a girl having heaps of fun and 'Wow, isn't she limber!!" I cannot believe you were doing those things off the board. Anyone who thought any different can go 'jump' themselves. You're beautiful!!

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  3. I have to agree with Kathi... Amy... you know what? I guarantee you that they weren't thinking "damn, she is huge"... they were thinking "holy shit - why don't I have that much confidence???". What's her secret?

    In case you don't know, you're an amazing woman - so don't even DOUBT that for a minute. You're an inspiration to ALL of us - not to mention, I would like to be that flexible, for reasons other than jumping off a diving board... ;-)

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  4. I think Sarah is the minx now! :)

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  5. Thank you so much ladies! I know we are our own worst enemy...I think bc in my head that day I felt good, and thinner, like I lost 85 pound...ya know? Its that damn thing called reality...gets me every time! BUt I love ya guys. Perhaps its just moodiness that can be chalked up-to PMS?

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  6. Oh yes...and Sarah is very naughty!

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  7. Can I smack you :)!? I only wish I had HALF of your confidence, even now when I am so close to goal. YOU ARE AWESOME!!

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  8. OKAY so I've been reading your blog for awhile now (I'm coming out of the closet)

    GIRL, you are F-l-e-x-i-b-l-e!! My husband you love for me to be able to do that. :)

    You have come along way and let me just say...I am sooo jealous of you. Not for your weight loss (ok that too)but for your confidence. Amy you keep on rockin girl! You are having fun and the heck with everyone else.
    I'm hoping to get my 'minx" in October sometime and I can't wait! Keep on being a inspiration to those of us who love you.

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  9. Awww Amela... (in my Yiddish grandmother voice) You are beautiful. You always have been. We see flaws in ourselves in pics no one ever would.

    I do relate on it being hard to know... Like the world doesn't know you've lost 85 or I've lost 50. I wish the judgy jerks out there did, just so we'd feel more validated and less judged. I want a shirt that says "ya think this is fat?" ha. I'm strange. But I love you. and your diving/flying faces :p
    !!

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  10. I saw these on Facebook and couldn't help but think how amazingly limber you were... I also know how *I* would feel if I saw these photos of myself anywhere.. so I feel for you and send you a million hugs. I wish my boobs held up in such swimsuits also.. no dice there.

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  11. Amy - I think one of the reasons so many of us read your blog and love it is that you are many things we are not. I've always been the fat girl who tries to disappear, so I don't think I'd do that even if I weighed 115 lbs. I would love a drop of your confidence.
    Don't let anything or anyone make you feel less beautiful that you are. xx

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  12. I bet all the women who were so concerned about being in a cozzie, wish they had your confidence. You were having the time of your life and that is all that matters! You have this determination in the toe touch dive like you were an olympian diver! You rock it!

    I do know what you mean about "not feeling this fat". I have done so much in the past without my weight affecting anything that when I do see a photo/video of myself I really do go OMG, am I really that big, I don't feel it! You are leaning towards a healthier life style, losing weight, getting fit and that is the main thing! I bet all those woman were nibbling and drinking and sitting around, while you were not AND burning some calories while having a ball!

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  13. Amy Amy Amy, I just checked out all your pics on facey, and was thinking to myself... This girl is amazing... look at your flexibility.. WOW!!! If I tried to get that flexible, I'm afraid I would break something.. lol..
    Anyway.. I think you look great in a swimsuit.. I never would have the confidence to wear one (wish I did).. so I applaud you for wearing it.. Ok, you must admit, although great the pics are, some of them were not taken from the best angle.. and who but Tracey really sees you from that angle often anyway.. lol... and he loves every bit of you, I can see it in his eyes in all the pics of you guys together...
    Just think that when you're down at goal weight, you're going to have so many pics to look back on... I wish I had that...
    Luv Ya Guts!!!
    xx Nene

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  14. Thanks again everyone. What is a girl to do. What's done is done and you know I would do the same darn thing again. And as for them being on facebook, well...I have to look at it this way. The people who were there know what I look like, as do most of the people on facebook...the only one who doesnt know is me :) haha...

    Boo hoo.

    Love all you girls!

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  15. Oh! And as for the flexibility...thanks to all the dancing I used to do, I still have some :) My favorite part of exercising is the stretching. And yes...dear Tracey does enjoy it!

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  16. I think you are beautiful and you look amazing!! I could do a split like that when I was 5, not even close now.....HOLY FLEXIBILITY AMY!! ;-)

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  17. So funny because everyone sees themselves so differently. I saw your photos and thought: holy crap I would love to hang out with Amy at a pool party, she'd be a blast, looks adorable in her swim suit and how in the world did she get that height, toe extension and keep her boobs in place- she is amazing.

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  18. I know how you feel Amy. My friend was just asking me yesterday how I felt when I was 180 in the years past- and I told her huge! BUT, the important thing now is knowing how far you have come and how far I plan on going from here. You have lost 85+ pounds girl!!! That is NOTHING to sneeze at. You had every right in the world to enjoy yourself at that pool and to celebrate where you are now. You look wonderful and that Russian was pretty darn impressive I might add.

    Look at those pictures again- see that beautiful girl celebrating life? Yeah, that's you! Cool, huh!?

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  19. I am very impressed with you for so many, many reasons....WOW!

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  20. you work it girl!!! Now I"m going to have to practice the splits like that off my parents diving board and see how I do.... haha!

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  21. Amy You Look Amazing! Im sorry Im just now getting to tell you this because I dont have a computer at home and I was off all weekend until today! You are yo hard on yourself! but I cant say much because I am the same way. You look faboulous! I need to go strech now. LOL

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