Deep Thoughts By Amy Handy

"Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays?  Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point" -Jack Handy

One time Jenny and Drazil told me I am smarter than I look.  Or something along those lines.  I took it as a compliment.  What I think they meant is that I can come off all cuddly kittens and tiny bubbles on you, but inside there is a deep thinker with years of untapped wisdom.

Well I was sitting here thinking about what I would tell my 18 year-old self if I had the opportunity.  Here is what popped into my head:

1. Credit cards are from the devil.  You may believe that when you graduate college you will be a millionaire and be able to pay them off.  Think again.  Say NO to plastic.
2. Speaking of college, you will be tempted to take 8 years to graduate.  How's about just knockin it out and being done with it.  Pick a major and stick.
3. Speaking of major, pick one that actually lends itself to something.
4. Sometime around the age of 24 you will hit a "dry spell" in which you will not have sex for approximately four years.  At that time, the cord on your "back massager" MAY or MAY NOT start sparking one cold and lonely night because the damn thing is actually overused.  Proceed with caution.  Have flame resistant sheets.
5. Oh yeah.  And don't worry about that dry spell.  Around the age of 31 you will start having really good boom boom shalaka.  It was totally worth the wait.
6. Match.com doesn't really turn out for you.  It's okay. 
7. If they walk like a duck and talk like a duck...they are probably a duck.  This applies to all men you fall in love with that walk and talk like a gay duck.  They aren't "just metrosexual".  Trust me.
8. Always have an extra change of underwear.  You pee your pants a lot.
9. Spend more time with your grandparents because one day you won't be able to.
10. Start sucking up to your parents now for how you acted growing up.
11. Those two weeks you will spend in college trying to be bulimic, forget about it.  You love food too much and don't really enjoy puking.
12. Start professional weight lifting.  Don't be intimidated by all those boys.   In a few years they will be bald and fat and you will be awesome.
13. Just when you think life is over, you will realize it is really just beginning.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't tell myself any of that.  I would probably just say "Don't worry.  Everything that happens will lead you to exactly where you are meant to be."

I wouldn't go back and change anything.  Even with a sore neck, an empty bank account, and saggy boobs, I am smart enough most days to realize everything I do have.

Happy Hump Day love muffins!