Into the Psyche of An Equal Opportunity Lover

I have a new man crush.  Well, it's been fermenting for awhile now, but it's getting serious.  And I know you are thinking...isn't she a lesbian?...and you should know better.  You know I am just a lover of mankind and womankind in general.  But the odd thing is, with the exception of Heather, I rarely look a woman and think "mmm...I want a piece of that".  It does happen.  Like Michelle Rodriquez. Bless her little heart.   Or Jillian Michaels.  But for the most part, when I see a girl that I think is really hot, I am thinking "damn...I want to LOOK like that." 

And sometimes, more often than with my lady loves, I see a fine piece of sumpin like this:

Joe Manganiello from True Blood...and I think that if I were a single lady, I would track him down and beg for a piggy back ride.

All of this really stems from the fact that Eric, I mean Alexander Skarsgard just broke up with Kate Bosworth. 

First, no one told me they were dating.  Second...that means Eric, I mean Alex Skarsgard, likes tiny waifish women.  I have officially ended it with him.

Just thought I would keep you abreast of my latest delusions.

Happy Thursday.



New Blogger Alert: A correction

And they say no good deed goes unpunished.

I have never really understood what that meant.  Does it mean that if you do a good deed you WILL be punished?  I am confused.

But I said it anyways.

A couple of days ago I linked you to a blogger (a little Canadian songstress) and then she CHANGED her blog hosting site so she would be like more of us.  SO, here is the new link to a newly banded lady. 

Click herehttp://canuckbanditmusings.blogspot.com/

Deep Thoughts By Amy Handy

"Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays?  Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point" -Jack Handy

One time Jenny and Drazil told me I am smarter than I look.  Or something along those lines.  I took it as a compliment.  What I think they meant is that I can come off all cuddly kittens and tiny bubbles on you, but inside there is a deep thinker with years of untapped wisdom.

Well I was sitting here thinking about what I would tell my 18 year-old self if I had the opportunity.  Here is what popped into my head:

1. Credit cards are from the devil.  You may believe that when you graduate college you will be a millionaire and be able to pay them off.  Think again.  Say NO to plastic.
2. Speaking of college, you will be tempted to take 8 years to graduate.  How's about just knockin it out and being done with it.  Pick a major and stick.
3. Speaking of major, pick one that actually lends itself to something.
4. Sometime around the age of 24 you will hit a "dry spell" in which you will not have sex for approximately four years.  At that time, the cord on your "back massager" MAY or MAY NOT start sparking one cold and lonely night because the damn thing is actually overused.  Proceed with caution.  Have flame resistant sheets.
5. Oh yeah.  And don't worry about that dry spell.  Around the age of 31 you will start having really good boom boom shalaka.  It was totally worth the wait.
6. Match.com doesn't really turn out for you.  It's okay. 
7. If they walk like a duck and talk like a duck...they are probably a duck.  This applies to all men you fall in love with that walk and talk like a gay duck.  They aren't "just metrosexual".  Trust me.
8. Always have an extra change of underwear.  You pee your pants a lot.
9. Spend more time with your grandparents because one day you won't be able to.
10. Start sucking up to your parents now for how you acted growing up.
11. Those two weeks you will spend in college trying to be bulimic, forget about it.  You love food too much and don't really enjoy puking.
12. Start professional weight lifting.  Don't be intimidated by all those boys.   In a few years they will be bald and fat and you will be awesome.
13. Just when you think life is over, you will realize it is really just beginning.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't tell myself any of that.  I would probably just say "Don't worry.  Everything that happens will lead you to exactly where you are meant to be."

I wouldn't go back and change anything.  Even with a sore neck, an empty bank account, and saggy boobs, I am smart enough most days to realize everything I do have.

Happy Hump Day love muffins!

And The Winner Is...

Dilbert Twelfth!  Also known as Theresa, also known as Tessie Rose!  I feel that the random number generator must sense horrible stripper names, because Dilbert Twelfth sounds like the poor dwarf no one wanted to sleep with.

Alas though, Theresa will be receiving a Gotein packet asap.  Theresa...will you email me your address.  Be careful though, I have decided that if I am ever single again I am just going to be traveling from bandster to bandster, mooching and smoozing off of all of you.

The stripper names were great.  Some of you had really good ones...some were reaaaaally terrible.

Thanks for playing.

For those of you who want more information about Gotein, you can go to their website at http://www.gotein.com/.

Gotein and Prosper! Free stuff!

It was finally my turn to be contacted by the sellers of Gotein protein supplements for a little trial and giveaway.  Which is good for me...AND good for you.

I was a little apprehensive at first because in my mind, I have a mental block when it comes to mixing powder with water.  I do just fine with fruity flavor your water packets, but not protein shakes.  But for you guys...I did it.  I put on my big girl panties and mixed it up.

 Simple enough.  You drink about 1/3 of your water and pour the big old packet in.

 I chose to go with the strawberry flavor.  There is also chocolate and vanilla.

I give it the thumbs up.  It was much "thinner" than I thought it would be.  I think I will try mixing my chocolate one with milk next time.  There was no after taste, and at 16 grams of protein a pop, it's not a bad way to take some in!

If you would like your own sample of the 3 flavors, just leave a comment and I will pick with a random number generator.

K?

I would like your comment to tell me what your stripper/porn/naughty person name would be.  In case you dont know, you take the name of your first pet and the street name you grew up on.  From example, my boom boom name would be Pebbles Knoll.  Kinda sassy.

You may now go forth and comment.

Happy Tuesday

Blog Karma

Once upon a time, there were only a few of us out here blogging and rambling (I always feel like a grandpa telling a story of how I walked uphill, both ways, in the snow).  Now there are so many of us.  We multiply like bunnies.  But I wanted to share 2 "new" blogs with you guys.

First is Nathalie over at The Poky Little Cupcake.  She only has four followers and one cannot maintain a blog if they feel like no one is reading. 

Second is Canuck Bandit.  She's Canadian.  She can sing.  She uses like "Totes" for totally.  Therefore...I like her.  She is also of course, newly banded.

So there you have it.  Go forth and read.  Also, you can link you blog here in the comments section as well if you want to.

Party on Wayne.

A Pain In My Neck: My Body Is Disintegrating

On July 3rd I hurt my knee.  I was working out, doing mostly lower body that day, and stepped down from the bench and *sharp pain*.

That weekend at the boat, I woke up with a crick in my neck.  Several times a year my neck freezes up for a few days.  I have to turn my body like robot to see from side to side.  It sucks.  But it passes.

Well, 3 weeks later...the neck pain is only worse. 

Let's discuss in a little more detail.

First, back to the knee.  The knee pain I am sure results from me acting like I don't have the knees of a former 327 pound woman.  When I do lower body workouts I hop, jump, lunge, squat...and I have apparently pissed off the knee joint.  SO FINE.  I will go lighter on lower body and just focus on upper for awhile.  This is not good news for "Operation Booty Pop".  As you may recall, I was targeting my assticles so they would pop out more.

Well, then the neck pain started and spread to my left shoulder.  Neck pain is muscular (I am a doctor and know these things), and the shoulder pain is joint related.  The shoulder pain is also pretty intense, but at least it only hurts when I lift my arms.  SO, last week it was so bad I was in tears.  And then Heather says this to me:

"Babe, you may need to take a COUPLE of weeks off from working out so your body can get better".

And I preceded to cry for the entire ride to work. 

Stop working out?  What if my muscles disappear?  What if I actually have to watch what I eat? 

Because when you can't work out your lower body AND then you cant do any lifting that doesnt require your shoulders...well folks...there ain't much you can do!

And that makes me very sad.

But my neck pain is really intense and constant.  I mean...CONSTANT.  I was trying to pull chicken off the bone last night prepping it for soup, and my neck was spasming.  I can't look down in the shower.  I can't roll over at night with out sucking in my breath and giving myself a pep talk.

I hate it. 

My primary care doctor left, so I called a new doctor today.  They can't get me in until Wednesday.  After I got off the phone I cried again.  I don't know if a muscle relaxer will help, but I will tell you that nothing is touching the pain so far.  The wonderful Jennifer from Dr. Friedman's office called in 800mg of ibuprofen for me and even hand delivered a cream to my door.  It doesn't make a bit of difference.  I have tried heating pads, beer, wine, cookies.  Nothing is helping.

I don't know how people live with chronic pain. 

So happy Monday.  

Damn it.

Vitamins: The Follow Up

Hi Friends!  After my exciting post yesterday about vitamins, I thought I would throw in the pee pee story for giggles.  Sometimes I wonder what people who ask me to pitch products on my blog think once they read a post about me "allegedly" piddling in a Sumo Suit.

Anyways, some of you guys had questions about my vitamins...so I thought I would answer them.  I have reworded the questions to protect anonymity (or just bc its more fun).

Question #1:  Amy...do you have mad skills or WHAT?  How do you swallow that multi-vitamin menagerie?

I swallow those suckers all at once.  I have always swallowed my pills and never had a problem.  Not even when I was at my tightest restriction.  I think we are all different and I also believe that some of you are a lot tighter than I ever was (but that makes me no less of a lady).  I could always eat breakfast in the morning. 

Question #2:  Why do you take B-12 Princess Amy?

There were just several things my doc and nutritionist wanted me taking post-op and forever and ever.  A multi-vitamin, my calcium, and a sublingual b-12.  Those sublinguals are actually pretty tasty, tiny as a tictac, and kinda tasted like candy.  I requested Dr. Friedman to write me a prescription for the shots just bc some people report feeling a "rush" or energy burst from the shots.  I did not.  Damn it.

Question #3:  Why do you take what you do hot lady?  Why not just a multi?

I had my bloodwork done 2 years post op.  I would think depending on insurance, you could request yours to be done at anytime.  It's fun to find out what's-a-missing.  I was really low in vitamin d, b, etc.  So, they told me what I should be taking and that's why I am taking it.

Question #4:  You don't do calcium chews?  Do you have a swallowing fetish?

Great question audience.  During my  last visit with the nutritionist, she said that personally, she believes Viactive be overrated and there is no difference between the pill and the chew...except price.  My 100 tablets of Calcium chews, from walmart, were about $6. 

Question #5:  I am from Canada.  What is the conversion to Canadian rubles?

 $6 is equal to 1.4 million rubles.  (*please note that I made all of that up and have no idea what I am talking about)

Question #6:  Why Niacin?

This one didn't actually come from Dr. Friedman my WLS doc.  It came from my primary care.  I am genetically doomed to have high cholesterol.  He told me to try niacin, once a day...and it worked!  Then that damn Atkins diet undid what I had been working on for almost a year.  That's okay...back at it now!

K.  I think that covers it!  Toodles.  And remember...you shouldn't be taking your calcium with your other vitamins.  Something about something blocks the absorption of something.  Google it.

Ta ta!

Sometimes I Pee At The Wrong Time

Once upon a time, I worked at a summer camp in upstate New York.  It was a camp for mostly very privileged, predominately Jewish girls from New York and New Jersey.  And when I say camp, I ain't talking about the Girl Scout camps I went to as a child where you slept on the floor and had tarps that ripe with the smell of well aged  mold.  Oh no.  It was swanky.  It is where I met my best friend Lisa whilst working, and I can say that it changed the course of my life. 

It also happens to be where I had one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Every year we would put on a "welcome show" for the campers.  Each area would do a little skit.  Some would sing.  Some would dance.  You get the idea.  Everyone would gather in the big building and we would perform on stage.  So, roughly, 300 people.

Well, I worked at the boating and canoeing beach and had 2 other staff members under me.  We decided we would bring our plyaks (think hard yellow kayak thingies) onto the stage with us, stand behind them, and bang them with our double ended paddles.  Sort of like STOMP.  We would be screaming and banging and then go into our routine.  Well, one of the other girls was named Emma.  She was sweet, VERY quiet and peaceful.  Pretty much the exact opposite of myself.  Well during all our practices, I wouldn't make Emma scream while banging, but I kept telling her "you HAVE to be really loud when we do this for real.  It's really important".  She promised me she would give it her all.

So we are opening the show.  We are on stage.  300 people watching.  And this is my third year at camp.  I am known for my "showmanship" shall we say.  I am 21 years old.  Lights come up.  And sweet mother...Emma starts screaming.  I MEAN YELLING AND BANGING.  I am so shocked and startled, and it is so funny.  And I can't stop laughing. 

And then I start peeing.

I am standing there, in swimsuit and tutu, probably 275 pounds, squeezing my legs together.  Peeing on stage.  And from the audience, you can't see it, but its starting to puddle.  And I panic.

I can't leave a puddle of pee on the stage for the all the other people. 

So I start to roll in it. 

Like...rolling around.

I don't remember how it ended.  I am pretty sure we just had to walk off and didnt finish.

In about 5 minutes time, everyone knew that Amy had pee pee'd on the stage.

That's my legacy.

Now, sometimes I still wee a little if I laugh too hard.  Last summer this happened on the boat. 

There was this other time, that involved a Sumo Suit...but I will save that for another day!

Thank you and may the force be with you.

Vitamins and Still Scale-less

When I do good at taking my vitamins, this is what helps me.  I load them all up on Monday and keep the little container on my desk.  I take Biotin, Vitamin D (5000), Calcium, Niacin (for cholesterol), my multi, and B50 complex.  I should also be taking my B12 shots or sublinguals.  I don't really like the shots and was only  trying them vs the sublinguals to see if I experience a "rush".  Dr. Friedman said I can't feel the rush from the shot bc I am so high on life.

Where is he right now?  I think he needs a hug.

Speaking of hotties...sweet mother of supernatural creatures.  For those of you who watch True Blood, last night way yummy.  Eric and Alcid.  The end.  For those of you who don't watch...we can still be friends.  But it may be hard.  hahaha....just kiddin.  Maybe

I only have 2 more weeks until I can weigh.  I will tell your that for the first 7-10 days it sucked.  Now I don't care too much. 

I hope all is well with all of you guys! 

Happy Monday

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Like a girl who is really good at playing hard to get (that is totally not me btw), I thought if I took forever to blog you would miss me and appreciate me more.  Did it work?

Really though, I have been meaning to blog but then I forget.  And then I say "Okay, I am TOTALLY blogging tomorrow"...and then I forget.  Sigh.  But I am back. 

So let us enjoy some pictures from the weekend of the fourth when we went to my parents boat.

 Jello shot induced crazy eyes.

 My father, boat lady Moe, and meeeself...dancing a jig.

 My brother and I.

 Heather dressed up in her "outfit" for the party.

 My mother made me wear it. 

 Young love.  Or old love. 

 The party float.  That's me in the purple bikini.  I wore a two piece around Humans all weekend.

I made my dad take me skiing at 630am so I could get some smooth water.  As you can see, it wasn't that smooth!

Now that we have caught up on all those festivities, I shall resume posting as normal.

The Green Zone, Unicorns, And Other Imaginary Things

 Many of us have heard about the "Green Zone"...this elusive zone we are all chasing after.  When properly restricted with the Lapband, you are supposed to reside in the green zone.  At this point, you feel satisfied with small portions, don't get stuck, make healthy choices, don't snack or think about snacking, etc.  Please take a lookey-loo at the chart below.

I would like to talk about this little chart and where I am right now.  I had a fill scheduled for yesterday, it was my pre-scheduled six month check up.  Tuesday I started to have a mental breakdown about whether or not to go.  This breakdown included tears and irrational emotional outbursts.  Because let me tell you's sumpin.

I can check the yellow boxes AND the red boxes on almost every area.

For example: If you are too loose, you can eat "any amount of bread, pasta, rice, along with protein and veggies".  CHECK.  BUT, if you are too tight you find yourself eating : "candies, chips, ice cream, pastries, pies, soda, soups, protein drinks".  CHECK

or

You stop eating when the food is all gone but want more (too loose).  You stop eating when the band makes you feel uncomfortable (too tight).  Check mark, check mark.

You feel me?  I find a lot of the things listed in the red column have nothing to do with physical hunger and/ or proper restriction, but so much to do with snacking, head hunger, and old habits.  I can eat an entire plate of alfredo pasta, with peppers and chicken AND a heaping side of broccoli with no problem.  BUT, give me one hot dog and a little potato salad...and that might not work.  My band may be the perfect restriction but I will STILL think about food all the time.

I feel like I am not making sense.  My point is, for me, the band helps with my portion control.  Getting a fill will not help at all with my snacking control.  I eat out of boredom.  I eat junk food because it takes oh so much better than healthy food.  It just does.  My brain is programed for cheetos.  I have to fight that urge. 

And here is why I was really torn about getting a fill.  If the number on the scale sounded better, I wouldn't care if I lost another pound.  I am actually at a really good place with my body.  I kinda dig it!  Yes I have the body of someone who has lots mucho weight, but it's a healthy, fit, size 10ish, 170 poundish, can ski around a lake and do a pull up kinda body.

This is why I am not weighing (and still haven't) this month.  I am so SO sick of talking about my weight.  I am sick of feeling like 171 makes me fat, but 169 makes me thin. 

So I went to my appointment and told Dr. Friedman everything I pretty much have told you.  Aw, I love him.  He gave me a fill (but only bc I said my portions were big), told me I don't need to lose anymore, that I am hot enough.  He also made me stick out my hand so he could slap it (after confessing all my sins).  I told him that I kinda like that, and I may just go eat bad so I can come back today and he can slap me around again.

I met with my nutritionist after that.  She asked me if I ate junk food because it was around...I said NO.  I will go and find it.  I will leave work to go to the store and buy junk.  We talked about healthy snacking options I might like.  I told her I am trying to eat celery.  Told her I am using organic peanut butter with the celery.  She told me I might want to try putting laughing cow on it.  I will try that.  I told her I am trying to eat the 100 calorie cottage cheese and fruit mixers, that I use reduced fat wheat thins to eat it.  She suggested looking at other crackers with higher fiber.  Good point. 

Heather made me make some rules that I am going to try and follow over the next few weeks.  This is one of the times I cried, because I am tired of thinking about it all the time...I just wanna live my life.  BLAH!  But some of the things I am going to try and recommit to our:

Water:  at least 100 ounces a day.  I did this religiously during my first year of weight loss.
Snacking:  When I got's to snack, I am going to have healthy options available.
Crap removal:  If the food I am about to put in my mouth doesn't have nutritional value...energy, fiber, protein, etc...I am going to try and reconsider eating it.
Pop/Soda:  I can only have a diet drink after I have drank at least 60 ounces of water.
Beer/Wine:  None for 3 weeks. 

So there you have it.  Nothing groundbreaking.  Just doing some of the things that helped me lose 120 pounds my first year. 

But there was a difference.  At 327 pounds I WAS MOTIVATED.  I was sick of hurting, I was sick of being fat, I was determined to be a success story.  I didnt like where I was.  I had goals and I didn't want to let myself of my fellow bloggers down.

At 170...I'm just not that motivated.  Again.  I like me now.  I don't know if I have what it takes to be determined enough to lose 10 more pounds because I don't really need too. 

And that kids, is my mental block.

Happy Thursday

Your Creativity Needed

Yes.  I need you again.  I know.  I am exceptionally needy.

I need you guys to think up a fantastic name for my heart walk team.  It will have men and women on it.  Its for hearts...so something catchy and funny that has to do with hearts, valves, pumping, etc. 

The only thing I have thought of that I kinda like is the Hearty Heart Harrrrr's.  Like pirates.  And we can wear eye patches.  You know I love eye patches.

So watchu got?

Goodbye Numerical Self Loathing

At least for one month.  Today's weigh in, the last first and the last for the month of July was 172.4.

Do you know what I realized the other day?

I only "hate" my body....I only pick my body apart...I only feel down and discouraged about my body...when I am comparing it to other's.

To put it in a this-is-never-going-to-happen-scenario-but-it-makes-a-point example:  if I was on a stranded island and I was all alone, I doubt there would be a moment that I would look at my body or think of my body with disgust.  It would be perfectly fine.  I could collect coconuts.  I could run from wild animals.  I could swim.  I could sunbathe nude.

But here in the real world, if I am surrounded by "nice body people", or at the beach and see stomach's without loose skin, or thighs that don't resemble elephant skin...well, then I start to compare.  Same thing with my weight.  I don't mind my body at this weight.  Seriously.  Sometimes I feel super fly.  And I feel fit.  But when I see or think of those of you who are 10, 20, 30 pounds lighter...I start to feel bad.

This was a good realization.  It has helped me lately shut my brain up when it's talking the smack.  So think about it.  Do you do the same?