Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Big Fat Question

Today, as I perused Lapband Talk, scouring the pictures of some of the biggest losers...a question popped into my wee little head. And it went a little something like this:

Do you think it is easier to stay motivated to lose the weight IF you were once thin?

Ponder this.

Are you pondering?

There are two camps of us Fluffies. Those of us who have always been overweight, and those of us who spent some portion of our adult, right to vote and buy cigarette life...thin. I of course am in the first camp-always overweight. I can't really imagine being thin. So when am stuck in a "eat like these are my last days on earth rut", somewhere in my mind I begin to think..."Well duh. You've never been skinny...did you really think it would happen this time." It is hard to imagine something being real that has never been my reality.

You dig?

So I wonder for those of you who have been thin, skinny, small, (insert tantilzing size adjective here), is it more motivating for you bc you know how good it felt and you "feel the possibility more"?

This train of thought really sprang out of my longing for a Sunkist. I was dreaming of one and I thought about the saying "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I don't like that saying, and was making a good argument against it in my head...and that's when I realized that I don't know how thin feels.

I have been avoiding blogging just a smidgie-poo. I got a little tired of talking about "getting back on the wagon". I am still not back on my game 100 %, but I am getting back into the groove. No fast food this week. None over the weekend. No tacos. I have had a sunkist everyday...but just one. I have also been working out. Introduced water back into my H20 deprived body. Getting my fill tomorrow. I will be just fine.

And I know that. I think more than letting myself down, it is hard to feel like I am letting you guys down. I think of those of you who have called me an "inspiration", and I don't feel very inspiring when I make such poor choices. But, I try to look at it from a different perspective. If we don't share our slip-ups...then we aren't doing each other service. Maybe I can make you feel better by comparison. Like "Lord I have eaten like crap today, but at least I didnt eat as bad as Amy". hahaha



  1. hehehe everybody slips up and gets in a rut - just not everyone is brave enough to write about it :-)

  2. This post is exactly why you are such an inspiration. You share, the good, bad and the ugly. you are accountable. You are real. That is what I personally love about you! I know you can do this, because look at how far you have come. Do I think differently of you because you are struggling? NO! It makes me feel more human, knowing I am not the only one making mistakes. You ARE an inspiration...on or off the wagon! Now, hold your head high...and continue in your journey! I believe in YOU!

  3. I agree with Susie.... I have always been fluffy, in the first camp, so I have no idea what it is like to be thin. in fact, I find myself sabotauging myself a bit the thinner and healthier I get. Scare the hell out of me! So, I'll be interested to see the responses! You ARE an inspiration though - b/c you are so damn honest. Love it!

  4. Oh and I just realized I didn't answer your question you brought up. I have always been fluffy. very fluffy. so I agree that it's hard to understand the whole statment of "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels"..I have never "felt" thin..because I have never been there. I was born fluffy.

  5. Once again, Amy, you have hit a home run in terms of what I'm feeling! You are so spot on in your posts that I'm glad what I'm feeling is expressed through your words. I just started my journey 6 weeks ago so I'm still a baby bandster. :) I look in the mirror & see some progress, but often wonder...how would I look at 145 lbs?? I haven't been that weight since the 6th grade, so I have no idea! It's weird because I can't even remotely imagine weight loss to the point of turning into this person that never existed. I often feel like I'm losing more than the weight, but the actual human being that I've always recognized in the mirror...

    Wow...getting too deep there... :)

    In any case, thank you for your insight!!

  6. I too have always been on the fluffy side, and no, I dont know how it feels to be thin.. I mean, I am feeling pretty good right now, because I am smaller than I was this time last year, in fact, smaller than I have been since having my kids..
    But you know what.. You have worked mighty hard to get to where you are.. And why cant you have your sunkist when you damn well want one?? As long as it is in moderation, which it seems to be.. Its not a race to lose this weight, and you know you will. You got to live a little girl, and besides, it is a festive time of year isnt it?...
    You're doing so well, and your blogs of ups and down keep so many of us going..
    You truely are a beautiful ray of sunshine...
    xx Nene ♥

  7. Gees, can any of us EVER be as cool as you!? Seriously? I just won't ever measure up. ;)

    You are an inspiration because of who you are, so please just keep being Amy and don't avoid blogging....okay?

    Your honesty is inspirational- whether you are sharing an "up" or a "down".

    And, to answer your question, I have always thought I was fluffy even when I really wasn't. So where does that leave me? Feeling a bit like I will never be good enough. I must work on my head as hard as I am working on this body of mine!

  8. I ditto everything that was said in all the previous comments. I myself have always been overweight. My trainer said to me the other day I have a picture in my head of what you will look like at 150lbs I was like yeah ok.. really. I have no idea when I actually weighed that some age as a child. So I can not even imagine it, but look forward to it. :)
    You are an inspiration to me. I had no idea that people actually get online and blog this you was one of the first ones I came across and have followed you ever since. I love most that you share the good, bad and the ugly to say. Cause that is real and the best thing we need to get through this life changing event we are all going through so someone who is real. So thank you.

  9. I would have to be from the "once thin" camp, but the sad, sad thing about dieting your entire life is that even when you are thin, you never feel like it. I was always "bigger" than someone, even when I was a normal weight, so almost always unhappy.

    It has been SOOOOO long since I was thin -- passably so about 15 years ago -- and very much so not since high school (ahem, 1985!), so I barely remember how it felt. Even now, I have a very hard time imagining myself much smaller. I even have a few pictures from those days, and I don't relate to that small person at all.

    So I don't think it makes all that much difference, at least not for me. I can't say I am any more motivated than my fluffier sisters. I have the same doubts as you, in part because I have tried over and over again over these past 15 years to get back to that smaller size, and always failed.

    Thanks for another interesting post!

  10. Hey, we are all human! I've been eating like crap too and your blogs help me not to beat myself up about it (as much).

    Actually I can tell you one thing you have helped me with that will ALWAYS stick with me. In one of your recent blogs (can't remember which one) you said you ate a bun on your hamburger and it was the first time you had ever done that since your band and you were so disappointed.

    You are further out than I am (I am only 4 mos out) but I want to eat a hamburger bun! But I don't, and it's because of THAT blog, not because of what my MD tells me or because of what I already KNOW about carbs, but because of your blog. I think I would have already eaten one (or several) had I not read your blog. So.....even at your perceived lowest, you still inspire.


  11. That's interesting Gail. Trainers don't always get it, they think there was always a before. I'm in that first camp too. However, about 9 years ago, I lost 100 pounds but was only able to keep it off for a couple of years. Gaining it back was the most crushing thing and that really affected my sense of identity. Amy, I get that when our defenses are down, we go back to our norm (ie: eating, being heavier). I wonder if that's a difference between the fluffies and formerly skinny girls. I totally agree about not wanting to keep posting when you just aren't feeling the weight loss thing. Perhaps just keep posting about what's going on in your life, even if it isn't weight loss related (if that doesn't feel heartfelt.) We're all interested in your life and that way you still stay connected to this community. Good luck! I'm at a similar place to you right now...

  12. Interesting question! As I get closer to my surgery I notice I think about what I would look like when I am done. I also have been heavy throughout my adulthood. Honestly I was a little disappointed when I figured out my surgeon’s goal weight for me was the weight I was when I graduated high school. I felt soo heavy at that weight. I took a while for me to realize that yes I was overweight, but not as bad I felt at the time. From listening to several “formally thin” people, it seems like many of them have the same feeling. We may look at their old pictures and think how good they looked, but they didn’t feel that way at the time. Many of them might not know what “thin feels like” either.

    Btw – being a newbie I have been getting a lot of motivation from reading blogs like yours and I have yet to find an inspirational person that hasn’t had slipups now and then. It is how people recover that makes them even more inspirational.

  13. YES! I agree.... I don't know what it feels like to be thin. Its freaking me out. Even now, I'm a size 10 (8 on a good day) and 10lbs away from my goal. I've been here for 12 weeks. I've had 2 fills. You know why I'm still at this weight??? b/c I self sabatoge every chance I get. Its really in my head that "one bite" or "one sip" isn't going to make me gain weight...and while it won't I can see how I slipped into the patter. "one bite" several times a day, seven days a week, ...you get the picture.

    I also have LOWER self-esteem at this weight than I did at 277lbs. I worry more about what people think of me and I'm NOT LIKE THAT!

    Anyway...just wanted to chime in...

  14. You are inspiring because you are real Amy, not because you are "always perfect". I think it's so admirable of you to share the good, bad and the ugly instead of trying to fake it! xoxo

  15. Amy, you are an inspiration to me because you are real. We are all "Only Human" as the saying goes. You will fall - however you WILL get back up. I know you are going through a rough patch right now, but I have no doubt in my mind that you will bounce back and be stronger then ever. Keep going and keep blogging - it really is beneficial to everyone of us! You rock :)

  16. Amy - to echo everyone else you are not letting anyone down. I think blogging helps us all be accountable(hopefully) in a way that we haven't been before.
    I've never been really thin. My smallest ever was a 12, but even then I felt huge. I don't know what will come emotionally as I get thinner.
    xxxx Linda

  17. I agree with everyone else on here, and I personally find your blog a huge source of comfort, hilarity and inspiration (not to mention decorating ideas). :)

    On the fluffy/thin side, I've always felt "fluffy," though I was between 145-165 pounds and a size 8-12 for most of my 20s and very early 30s. So, I'd probably be classified as formerly-not-so-fluffy.

    One of the things that motivates me is that I am seeing my "old" self again. . that girl who people used to fuss over much more than they did the heavier version. It feels good and vaguely familiar (instead of scary or strange) to be getting more attention from guys these days, to be getting a little more star treatment at restaurants, etc.

    Funny thing is -- fluffy or thin -- being thin now with the band is exactly in the same reach for all of us. It is absolutely a realistic possibility and something that will happen as you work the band.

    You can slip up from time to time -- but as long as you get back on the wagon, this weight IS going to come off, and you are going to meet that thinner version of yourself.

    Seriously, you are gorgeous already -- you didn't need to lose an ounce for that. But aren't you curious to meet that inner supermodel you have in there? And to wear all the clothes that go along with that? And to be able to do even more spectacular dives (wait.. is that possible? bad example?) b/c your body is stronger and you are lighter? I'm just worried that you are going to cause traffic accidents walking around town! :)



  18. What a great word to use - fluffy instead of big. Love it!! You know what, Amy. I think the reason you have such a huge following is because, dare I say it.. sigh..such a cliche .. but you keep it 'real'. We all have our ups and downs and while you do too, somehow you manage to put a positive spin on it in turn making us laugh. And that, my friend is worth it's weight in gold. Don't ever ever stop blogging. We would be lost without you.

    I sit in the thin camp I guess. At least up till a certain amount of years ago. I was trying to think what that felt like.. when I could just buy what I wanted from the shelves and know it would fit me.. how I could run, and eat what I wanted and do all the things supposed thin people do that we look at and go, 'If I was like that, I would be on top of the world.'

    I think though when you are thin(ner) you don't really think about it. It just is. You tend to take it for granted. In retrospect thinking of where we are now battling so hard to lose this excess fluff I don't imagine any of us, when we hit our goal or even near our goal, will ever do that. I just can't see us forgetting what we have been through to get here which makes every day that much better.

    You are doing great you know. You had a slip up (ok a few days of slipping up) but being the kind of girl you are, you will jump right back on that bandwagon (which you have already made moves to do) and start killing the weight loss again. I just know it!!

  19. Hmmm interesting theory. I'm one of the always been fat people so I'm in the same boat as you. I love food, I love wine and I love chocolate. And if the only way I can get to say 69kgs is to cut all that out then I'd rather stay a few kgs overweight to be honest because that is not a life I want to live! As they say - it's about moderation, not starving your body of what it wants. So I don't drink during the week, I'm careful about what I eat about 75% of the time and try to limit chocolate to once a day!

    Em :)

  20. Nope...I am trying, but can not possibly imagine what thin feels like. I don't know the last time I was under 150. Wait, yes I do, I was 14! I was close to 200 in college and lost a few lbs and was about 180 when I was married in 1990. I don't know what thin feels like, but you know what? I know that my 217 now feels a heck of a lot better than the 310 I was!

    Inspiration? Hell yes, you are! You continue to be an inspiration to me. I love your confidence and your honesty. You put it all out there for the world to see without any apologies. You rock!

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  22. Rachel said...
    I was at my thinnest only twice in my life for a total of 8 months at 135. Although I'm slightly overweight (155-160) I always want to get back to that thinnest point. And though Ive been there and know how great I feel when I am there, it's a battle for me to put in the 'work' to get me back there, because I've never lost weight by working at it - it's always been because my thyroid kicks into over drive!!!!! :(
    And on those days when I get into and eating rutt - I too think that I continue to sabotage my diet and wont ever get there.

  23. I could be put in the thin side, at least until after my daughter was born. In High School, I was thin, (my lowest was 89 lbs, but I quickly realized it was tooo thin (and near anorexia and this was before anyone heard of it) and I gained up to 100 lbs) where I stayed until my pregnancy.

    During my pregnancy, I gained up to 130 lbs and my (then) husband told me I was fat and needed to go on a diet. Can you believe it? He thought I was fat at 130 lbs! Oh to be 130 lbs again.

    I do remember being able to walk into any store and buy off the rack, no problem. But every year, I continually gained weight, until I no longer could fit into "normal" sized clothing.

    Now, it has been sooo many years that I have been overweight, or "fluffy", that I can't wait until I can see the girl (woman) I once was. Assuming I don't sabotage myself again! This procedure has to work, it is my last ditch effort. Every year, I lose more and more ground and have less and less will power.

    So, someone like you who has lost weight so well, is my hero. I know you go off the diet occasionally, but you know how to pull yourself back up and get back on tract, which is why you are my hero. Your tales keeps us up on your personal problems with weight and if you can do it, then, by god, we can too!!!

  24. Never have I been thin, wouldn't now what it felt like...don't think I would ever say fluffy either, just plain old FAT! I have lost weight in the past but still always fallen into obese or morbid obese range....In the past I have always self sabotaged when things start to go well. We all have our down times (hell look at my weekend last week!) and you will work through them in your own time and get back on "the wagon". Sometimes you need time out from the whole losing weight/blogging/dieting life....A big thing is, is that you are aware of it all, that is the first step...self recognition....it would be totally different if you were in denial about where you were....good luck with the fill...xx

  25. Thin? Never been thin. Just tryign to be normal so I dont know what it is like to be thin. The lowest I have ever been is around 165 and that lasted oh about 6 months. I have been fluffy since I arrived on this earth :-)
    You are human, dont beat yourself up. You are an inspiration because you are not perfect and admit that. Thank you for sharing your good times and your bad times with us

  26. Okay, so I'll put my two cents in too :) I am in a mixture of the two camps...I was ALWAYS heavy until college than lost the weight (when you and I met) then gained a bunch back than lost a bunch again than gained it all (plus some) back. SO...I read a comment earlier from a "full time fluffy" and she talked about the "being scared to be thin" and that really brought back some feelings I remembered. It is scary to lose a part of yourself, even if it is "the fat girl" image. However, the benefit to having never been "thin" is that you have nothing to compare it to! You thin...at any weight is you thin. When I lost the weight the 2nd time, I kept trying to get to that weight I was when I was lost at 19 and um...that doesn't work. In my goal this time, I've set the number higher, but I'm trying to just be happier with whatever numbers pop on that scale.
    I also agree with all the people who said your honesty is what makes you such a great inspiration. Everyone has ups and downs and we're here to support you through each stage of this journey :)

  27. I haven't read through all the comments so I'm probably going to repeat some things but you are STILL an inspiration, if not more so! As someone who is still in preband land, the fact that you aren't perfect but still successful with the band makes all the difference to me. I know I will slip here and there and it is helpful to me to see that others who already have the band don't always make the best choices either. I hope that didn't sound bad.
    As for the questions - I have never been "thin." I hit a size 10 once and I thought I looked pretty sexy (at the time, I felt like a cow..go figure). I think if I could come anywhere near that again, I'd feel like one hot sexy mama!
    Hang in there! You're doing great!

  28. I would be from the "once thin" side. I graduated from H.S. weighing 115. Sailed thru college only gaining 5 or 10 pounds (which truthfully I really needed to gain). I distinctly remember that I weighed 130 pounds on my wedding day in 1990 (to my first husband). Went thru infertility treaments/drugs, had a hysterectomy at 29 and then was on steroids for a couple of years (for MS). I packed on the poundage!

    Yeah, I know what it's like to be thin. It does make me want to be thin even more but as far as my being more motivated to eat less or work out more because of it I would say, "No"!

    Keep on keeping on, Amy....you are doing it and you are doing it well! You inspire so many people every time you post a blog!

  29. The thing that got to me was when I was 13, a month shy of 14, I went into the hospital to have my tonsils removed. They had me standing there in my undies and the dignity-robbing robe, just a kid, and the nurse weighed me and then made a funny noise. I was curious, so I asked her what was wrong. She pointed at the scale and said, "You shouldn't be any higher than 135." I looked at the scale and saw the sliders hovering at the 150. That one comment was what finally made me lose my mind. My mom had said stuff, my grandma had said stuff, hell, even one of my cousins (who ended up heavy in a twisted karmic way) used to call me "Hippo Zippo" when we were kids.

    But it was the NURSE who finally got me to snap. I spent my freshmen year in high school eating a Snickers bar and a diet Dr Pepper for lunch and trying to figure out how to lose weight. By my sophomore year, I joined a friend in the gym who was training for a bike race and discovered that I didn't mind exercise if it was working out on machines and not running around in gym class. Plus, the guys in the gym after school were all skinny or fat and kinda dorky, so they treated me like I was a goddess for coming into the gym. (My friend wasn't interested in guys, but if she had been, I might not have gotten addicted to the attention from them when I started dropping weight.)

    I measured everything I ate in front of people but then would find time to go and buy those Snickers and eat them in my closet. Binge and purge for 2 years. My favorite thing to hoark up was Sour Patch Kids, believe it or not. It was because they burned the crap out of my throat coming up and discouraged me from eating again afterward.

    But I got a nice boyfriend, gained my weight back up to 150 and stayed there until I hit my early 20's, when I moved out of the 'rents' house and had to start budgeting for myself. Eating Hamburger Helper as opposed to the healthy but barely appetizing stuff my mom made caused me to gain about 25 more pounds. I think I freaked out when I weighed in at 185 and had a body builder friend of mine help me get down to around 160 before I met my ex husband.

    Then, when you start dating someone, there's the lunches and the dinners and the snacks at the movies and then him moving in, my old roommate becoming a psycho and moving out, having to depend on him to pay half the rent and not being able to just swallow my pride and leave him... then eating out of depression over the situation... then getting pregnant (I actually was quite healthy when I was pregnant because I didn't want to screw up my kid from jump. So I lost weight the first trimester that I went into the doctor because I was losing more fat than gaining baby.)

    Honestly, I have been up and down so many times, I don't remember what my "regular" or "normal" weight supposedly was. There's a part of me which says "Screw it" because I am loved at my biggest by a wonderful man and there's nothing wrong with how we were living our lives that way. (Other than some overeating from 420 dalliances.) But then there's the part of me which wants to set a good example for my kid. And my metabolism is so confused that I can't diet without going Godzilla on a cheesecake in my car in the parking lot of Trader Joe's because I can't even wait until I can get it home.

    LOL... and the last sentence was punctuated by Craig laughing in the background while watching "Southpark" and asking me, "What? What are you looking at? Go back to reading more Amy! I'm watching my 'Southpark'!" and laughing. I think he's just happy that I'm finally comfortable enough to sleep in bed with him and not in the recliner and now that the weekend is upon us, he can try and approach me about the incision sites because he's just interested in them. ANNNNNNND.... ramble ends.