I Wanna Be Tiny & Other Semi-Lesbian Musings

The other day I was looking at this girl (and by girl I mean 23 year old) and she was itty bitty.  Size 0 maybe?  And I was thinking: "Sigh, I wish I was TINY".

And then I felt myself say: "Self, you don't want to be TINY.  Your girlfriend likes a little meat and you like muscle and curves too.  You just want to be thinner and healthy."

Shut up self I said! 

TINY!  That was what I wanted to be.  I mean, sure...it may not bring happiness but clothes shopping has to be easier right?  At least that?

So fine.  Maybe I don't want to be tiny...but it might be fun for a little while.

This is me and my friend Nathan post workout this morning.  I was in beast mode and it felt good.  (random)

My girlfriend is sick.  And I realize that those of you in life partnerships with men also suffer from the "big baby phenomenon" I am about to mention but I think, I think it's a tad bit worse with two women.  As mentioned before, Heather, bless her heart, is high maintenance.  I mean she may look all tough and strong, but do not be fooled friends.  She is more girly than I behind the scenes. 

Case in point:  She cries at Grey's Anatomy more than I do.

But when she is sick, and by sick I mean a minor baby head cold...oh GOODNESS.  Sure as my name is Amy Irene Workman, she needs to be coddled and babied.  And don't get me wrong...I am all about coddling.  But it becomes tricky when I have a cold at the same time.  And by cold I mean, an "emotional cold" if you will.  Or in other words, I just need attention.  But I can't get babied or attention bc SHE needs babied and attention. 

You dig?

And listen...I hate to talk about things like politicos and religion...but...I am just going to say it.

There is a difference in brands of tampons.

Okay?  I am a pearl girl.  No cardboard applicators for this lady lilly.  No.  No janky little compact tampons neither.  But my girlfriend, who is cheap, buys whatever is the cheapest AFTER she uses all of my good tampons...

and that will stop.  Here me now.  It will stop.

Somethings you can't skimp on.  Cheese.  Cereal.  Tampons.

The end.

In other news, I also tried to play the "world is ending so we better DO IT tonight just in case" card.  But..yes...BECAUSE SHE IS SICK...she can't participate.  I told her that if the world ends at midnight she is going to be really sorry tomorrow.

:)

Our kitty is still bringing in sweet furry moles into our house.  She gets them from the backyard, brings them through the doggie door and places them around the house.  For those of you who have never seen a mole in real life, this would be an example:

Precious.  That is not one of OUR moles...I tried to take a picture the other night but the little fellow wouldnt hold still.  Their eyes and ears are covered in fur, and they don't move real quick and they are softer than soft!  Luckily they are usually alive when I find them, so I can go free them to our backyard where they can continue to destroy it...but the other night I came home from work...unlocked the front door...and there were my three dogs and a mole...just walking around the living room.

Our house is a zoo.

Speaking of zoo...my family is in town.  Mother, father, brother...and my sister and nephew have been coming over every night...and my niece should get here Sunday. 

Have I mentioned we have a tiny house, three fat dogs, one cat, and random moles?

I need a nap.

I have been doing pretty good these last few days.  I haven't gone crazy dieting but havent gone crazy consuming either. 

Tomorrow I have a few presents left to buy and stocking stuffers to purchase and then I should be ready for Christmas!

Happy Thursday friends!

A New Day A New Diet

Listen kids, I keep it real with you don't I?  Well, pretty real.  I mean, I do have SOME boundaries (albeit very loose). So I don't want to come at you with "I am not on a diet, I am changing the way I eat for a lifetime" nonsense...bc let's be honest...when you aren't eating what you want because what you want to eat makes your ass fat and your stomach topple out and over the top of your pants...well then friends...you are on a diet.  NOW, maybe at one point, your diet does bc your habit and wah-lah, you have changed your lifestyle.  But I ain't there, and I don't know if I will ever be there.  So, let's look at what the definition of diet is, when one googles DIET.

di·et

/ˈdī-it/Noun

1.The kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats. (one could say that I habitually make poor diet choices)

2.A legislative assembly in certain countries. (one could say I have no idea what this is referring to)

Verb

Restrict oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight: "it is difficult to diet in a house full of cupcakes".

Synonyms

nutrition - nourishment - food - regimen - dietary

So there we go.  We are all on the same page now.  Well anyways, it would be safe to say that I have been firmly routed outside of the healthy eating stratosphere now for...gosh...a year?  I would say that with the exception of a few bouts of a one or two day stretch, I haven't really been trying to watch what I have been eating at all.  While I am not making positive food choices, I am constantly aware of how bad the choices I am making...are.  But just like the years of eating that got me to 333pounds, I can usually justify or squash those voices by eating more food.  Dangerous slope.  So I woke up and weighed in Monday. 

192.6

I thought it might be a little inflated due to being on my period...but whatever.  I then went and got out my weight loss journal that I have had since 2000.  I used to record my weight EVERY Monday during my losing phase after post-op.  As you can see, I haven't recorded my weight since September.

So I wrote it down and I also took my measurements.

And so we begin again. 

Such is life.

Some of the behaviors I know I am going to have to remedy are:

Eating fast food.  When I was actively losing, especially during the first year...I barely EVER ate fast food.  If I ate anything, it was Wendy's chili or Chik-fil-a nuggets.  Because of my loose restriction right now, it is pretty easy to eat fast food, where once upon a time post-band...eating a hamburger with bun while driving meant certain barfing either in my car or on the side of the road.  I didn't try it.  I didn't push the limits.  So...I need a fill soon to help my otherwise worthless brain by taking the fast food card off the table.

I need to stop drinking regular soda.  Blah.  I SO love regular soda.  This is a tough one for me.

And that goes along with the fact that I need to resume drinking water on a regular basis. 

ALSO, I remember...vaguely...when I would count my naughty items.  Like, oh I had ONE muffin today.  Or I ate three little tiny miniature tiny peanut butter cups.  Now, it's like I count containers.  I ate ONE BAG of peanut butter cups.  I need to try and regain awareness of the magnitude of my poor choices.

I need to set a weight loss goal and be held accountable.  I am signing up for the biggest loser at work on Jan. 3rd.    Heather runs the competition, it's a $10 buy-in, lasts for three months.  I did this about a year and a half ago and came in second.  It was the last time I weighed in the 160's. 

I want to weigh 165 by May 18th...which is the day we run the Tough Mudder competition.  Taking 20+ pounds off my frame with certainly help my endurance and help with the obstacles where my big ass is hanging from things...

Heather said "It's about time you got back in check"...she's right.  She also said "Don't you think it's a bad week to start this diet?" Meaning with the family and holidays upon us...but I said it's better to start, even if I start slowly, than put it off.

It really boils down to eating healthy is NO FUN.  It's HARD WORK.  Shoveling food in my mouth mindlessly is FUN (while it's happening).  And it's EASY!  I don't wanna have to eat good (picture me stomping my food, lower lip out, brow furrowed).  But I think about my little sugarplum Heather...she is hard work and totally worth it.  And I also know I have done it before and CAN do it again.

Again. Again. Again.

So here's to all of us doing it again!  Or for those of you doing it the first time.  Happy Tuesday.  xoxo

Do You Slobber A Lot?

I had the most brilliant thought today.  I don't really know if it is qualifies as a thought...more of a brain occurrence. 

Years ago, my dentist told me that I produce a lot of slobber.  (Actually, he used the word saliva, but that word gives me the heebie-jeebies, so we will go with slobber).  Well today I was getting my teeth cleaned and the dental hygienist commented again about how much slobber I produce.  She said this to me while I was thinking about how I was STARVING and plotting my breakfast in my brain.

And then it happened.  Maybe I do INDEED slobber a lot because I am always thinking about food.  Very Pavlovian.  You know, Pavlov and his dogs?  How the dogs would salivate when he rang a bell and gave them food, and then he found they would salivate at the sound of the bell, not just the food, but because the bell triggered their thoughts about food?

I mean, this may be ground shaking, life changing.  Do you think that those of us who think of food all day produce more slobber?

Think on it. 

What Would You Trade to Be Skinny?

Sometimes...oh I would guesstimate at least twice a day...I see people's bodies I envy...and for a moment I think "I wish I could have a body like her".  But then I start to think about the lives that come along with these skinny people (in this instance, I am thinking of skinny/thin people I actually KNOW). 

To make this easier to understand, let's name tall thin girl Ju-Ju...for no other reason than it's kinda fun to say Ju-Ju.

When Ju-Ju gets sad, she doesn't have an appetite (what...I've never been this sad)...and she ends up losing weight and being thin.  Not sickly skinny, but I would reckon around 150ish.  Looks healthy on her.  And the other day I was looking at her and found myself thinking "man, I wish I had her body".

But then I realized...I don't wish I had her life.  She is unhappy, angry, lonely, and doesn't know who she really is.

And it hit me.  I wouldn't trade my body for a better body if it meant sacrificing the life I have.  And I know a lot of girls with nice bodies who are NOT really as happy or as carefree as they would like people to think.

Clearly, this is no breaking news story...that having a rocking body doesnt always bring you happiness.  But I remember one night, probably 10 years ago...I was sitting in my living room back in Kansas...and I was thinking about how I wished I could be anorexic or bulimic.  And with this thought process came the idea how that long term eating disorders like those can result in death.  And my thought at that time was "I would rather die skinny than live fat".

Can you believe that?  It was a fleeting thought, and I didn't put any effort into starving myself or puking...but in that frame of mind...that's where I was at.

So I guess the question really isn't about what would you trade...but it really should be a statement about being thankful for what you DO have right now (if you feel like your body aint rockin).  Because yes...maybe being skinny makes it easier to buy clothes, to wear a bikini, to have sex without worrying about saggy bits and bulbous bits...but being skinny doesn't make loving any easier.  It doesn't always translate into more money, more friends, more dates, more happiness.

With that said...I need a Gingerbread Cookie Shake from Burger King. 

STAT

Obsessed With Food

We have previously discussed how some of us (points finger at self) have an obsession, for lack of better word, with food.  And how some of our behaviors that may seem "normal" to us, or...maybe not normal, how about habitual, behaviors we have that involve food that we act upon without even thinking...may be signs of our issues.

I can tell already this post may be a jumble of incoherent thoughts, as often happens when I have been trying to process it for months and can't figure out how to deliver the topic to the masses...

So let's just start with examples or talking points shall we?

How many of you, on a regular basis, take pictures of your food?  I do NOT do this, but really for two reasons:

#1.  No matter how good it looks on your plate in real life, it loses some of it's yumminess and doesn't usually photograph well.  Seriously, I have seen some posts on Facebook that are showing a meal someone slaved over and I am like "What is that...?  Porridge?"

and

#2.  My girlfriend hates it.  I hadn't really given much thought to the whole matter before Heather.  But it confuddles her why people post pictures of their food.  She can be easily confuddled at times.

But it does get me thinking...does someone with a mind that doesn't revolve around food post pictures of their food?  And I GET if you are posting food on your blog or Facebook for WLS purposes...bc those of us who have had WLS like to see what "successful" people are eating...I am talking more along the lines of "Look at this steak smothered in chocolate and tiny gumdrops from Heaven" kinda pictures.

I don't know. Maybe there is no tie.  Tracey used to post pictures of food I made him all the time!  And he only weighed 135 pounds.  Bless his tiny man heart.

Next issue.  And this would be one of my HUGE issues (I think there might have been a pun there)...I want to please people with food.  I mean, I want to please people in general...but rewards, and thanks, and gatherings, in my mind, require delicious and often fatty foods.  Having my sister and nephew over for cards?  Must make good dinner.  Going to Defuniak and staying at the other Heather and Henry's house?  Must make 9 million recipes from Pinterest so everyone is full and miserable!  I wake up thinking what I am cooking for dinner so I can continue to earn my good housewife/working woman girl scout badge!

FOOD FOOD FOOD all the time.

When we go hunting, we pack a snack box.  The other Heather sent me a text the other day saying "I am starving.  You pack the snack box so much better".

And I responded with "YEAH!  I pack for the apocalypse." Seriously.  I pack that snack box like we actually may get stranded for 4 months.

Woe is me. 

That's why when you hear about weight loss drugs, or hell, even surgeries where "it turns off the switch that tells you to eat"...

I am like...um...no.  I am pretty sure my switch will never be turned off.  It's like there might have been a switch ONCE, but the little nubbit broke off and you can't switch it now.  If there are sensor's in the brain, or neurons, or brain thingies...mine will be unresponsive.  And even meds could turn them off, I must have "Amy, you must eat copious amounts of food" sensors located in other parts of my body.  Perhaps my big toe?  Vagina?  Earlobe?

Another Turkey Day in the Books

As I have probably shared with ya'll about 4 times over the last 4 years, and always around this time of year...I am not really a big fan of Thanksgiving.  Never have been.  First, I don't really like the food.

I know.  Shocking.

But, let's break it down into my family Thanksgiving, and Heather's families Thanksgiving.

I love my mom (hi mom!) but in our neck of the woods, you didn't set down at a table and have Papa Workman (hi dad!) carve a  big bird beast.  My mom would shred the turkey into white or dark, we would load up our plates in the kitchen and to the table we would go.  My mother makes some things for our Thanksgiving I do not enjoy.

#1  Noodles.  I suppose this is like some of you who have dumplings at Thanksgiving?  Anyways, noodles in something...I guess that is supposed to be gravy?  Now I am going to keep it real for you.  I love my gravy out of a jar.  I like it with a lot of meat flavor.  My mother's gravy was homemade...and I have yet to make a homemade gravy I like.

so.

#2.  Weird gravy.

#3.  Kinda dry turkey (bc it's shredded early on, and it is kinda hard to make a moist bird).

Now, I should say that I do love me somethings we had.

#1.  Stove Top stuffing/dressing.  Yes.  Out of a box.  DEeee-lish-ous
#2.  Pumpkin pie with a shit ton of Cool-whip

Well...so really...without food you want to gorge yourself on, Thanksgiving just stands between me and the best time of the year!!!!  CHRISTMAS!!!

I loved the day after Thanksgiving dudes!

It usually involved me and my dad outside, gloves and coats on (because in proper parts of the country like Kansas, it's chilly this time of the year) cussing at untangling yards and yards of C-9 Christmas lights, checking for ones that had burnt out, and then climbing onto our roof and risking life and limb to hang lights on the different levels.  Seriously...some of the places we put a ladder...

So, that was my Thanksgiving before I met Heather.

Now we do Thanksgiving with the Gainey's.  And the food is soooo different.  I have never seen so many bowls of different field peas, greens, and beans.  All of which are fresh and homegrown. And there is no pumpkin pie but a variety of cake!

No pumpkin pie?

But do you know what they DO have at the Gainey's?  Fried Turkey.

Now that junk is gooood.

And I made two casseroles this year.  One Hashbrown casserole which no one really ate..hahah...and a green bean casserole which I could shovel in my mouth year round with a ladle...or bucket...something big.

I do realize that while speaking of Thanksgiving, I am sounding very unthankful.  I love love love the memories I had and the ones I get to make now. 

I just wish we could have fried turkeys and mexican buffet for Thanksgiving.  And pumpkin pie. 

The last few days off were very hectic and I had to fight getting a little "blue" if you will.  Heather spent a majority of her time hunting with her brother, and I had to drive back and forth from Defuniak Springs to Pensacola (about 80 miles each way) to take care of the dogs several times.  And being alone on the holidays is tough on an old girl.  I did get all the outdoor lights done.  I had fun with "the other Heather" (Sharika Jingles) while Heather and the boys were out delivering deer one night.  I managed to get her a weeee bit typsy with some delicious cake flavored vodka and pineapple juice.  Almost tinkled in my pants from laughing so hard...so you can't beat that.

I made something from Pinterest that actually turned out okay.  You take a tomato cage and turn in upside down and then wrap it in Christmas lights and then at night, it looks like a little Christmas tree.  I used 3 strings of 100 count lights.  It sets outside by our garage.  I might make a couple more to go with the grazing deer decoration in the front.



We ran yesterday after a week off! 6 miles without stopping! Heather did her little thing again...where, if she gets too far in front of me, she stops and does push-ups until I catch up. I have threatened to kick her in the teeth or just run up on her back...but who am I kidding? I have no energy for that kind of behavior whilst running.


I tried to unfollow a blog today.  DUDE!  That took forever to figure it out.  I guess I have never unfollowed a blog before. 

Other than that, it's a Monday as usual! 

Happy Monday dudes!

ps.  I have a real problem lately saying dude.  In fact, I was getting off the phone at work and said to a coworker on the other end "Thanks Dude"...

I have to work on that...

dude.

All I Want For Christmas...

Is a new front tooth. 

Many moons ago, I had braces.  Really for about a year in 5thish grade.  After they came off, there was a gap in between my two front teeth.  In hindsight, I am not sure WHY my parents allowed the orthodontist of whom I am sure they paid $1000's of dollars for his services, to leave me with said gap...but alas...they did.

So we had that gap filled with "bonding".  Now bonding doesn't last forever with a mouth like mine, and over the years, as one bonding has fallen out and another bonding waits to take it's place, it seems to have taken bits of my tooth with it.  About 3 months ago my dentist told me that the next time it fell out, I would probably need a crown.

mmhmm...whatever....I wasn't really paying attention.

So it fell out on Friday.  Friday morning to be exact.  And left me with this...

I am sure some of you are saying "puh-shaw young Amy!  I can hardly notice that".  OR, "You look cute"!
I mean, even Glamour magazine just said gaps are in.

Not my girlfriend.  Nope.  She took one look at that gap on Friday and said:

"Uh-uh.  You will get that fixed.  Call them back and say you need to come in right away."

I said "We don't have $500 to fix my tooth (my portion even with insurance).  It's Christmas time"

She said "I ain't looking at that all weekend. This is an emergency.  We will take it out of my savings".

So long story still long, the soonest they could get me in was yesterday.  I went in, Heather's money in my hot little hand, ready for my new tooth.  Oh no...they can't give me a new tooth until NEXT week! They gave me a temporary one for now.

A Lee Press On yellow falsie that MAY pop off...not to worry they say...I can put it back on with denture cream.

Sigh.

In other news, I wore tights yesterday...for the first time probably in my adult life.  They were black and I wore them with a cute black and white wrap dress and black heels.

They were also high waisted Spanx tights...which means one thing...

Getting those suckers on was a CHORE.

You know what I am talking about.  You sit down, weedle in one foot...pull that leg about to your knee.  Weedle in the other foot, pull that up to about your knee as well. 

THEN...shit gets real.  Once you get compression strength tights up to your knees, the full force of the spanx is trapping your legs together and mushing your leg fat like some twisted Play-dough machine for women...meat just spilling out in all directions...

Getting those suckers up is a chore, but once they are up...MAN you feel svelte!

On a Lighter Note

I weighed in at 132.4 this morning.

Juuuuust kidding.  I just thought that maybe if you saw that in your blog feed you would click on it out of sheer jealousy and well disguised longing.

I actually weighed in on Monday at 187.4.

Sugarnipples

Here it is.  Let me lay it out on the line for you.  The other night Heather really hit the nail on the head.  I was stretched out on the couch, by head on her lap, and I was talking about how I want a weight loss drug equivalent to speed (please note that I have never DONE speed...but anything that would amp me up and having me running around like a tightly wound cymbal clanging monkey AND be legal...does sound tempting).  Anyways, I said "I want a weight loss drug.  I want to lose weight".  And as she lovingly looked down at me, stroking my hair she says...

"No you don't"

and returns to watching The Voice.

Well, i DO want to lose weight, I just want to lose weight AND eat everything I want.  I mean really...is that asking too much?

I have been eating preeeeettttty much everything and anything I want these last few days months.  I just seem to have no desire or willpower to diet, watch my food intake, make good food choices.  It's a problem.  You know it's a problem when you have this phenomenon:  You have eaten so much crap and fast food that when it's meal time you can't think of anything that sounds good because you have been too busy eating everything that popped into your head.

You dig?

But I guess I need to start and try to be more consistent in my choosing better choices.  If my lowest was 163 (which was only for a day at the end of my two week Atkins stint), and I maintained around 167 for awhile, then I am up somewhere around 15 pounds from my lowest.  And with the Tough Mudder in May and the Pensacola Double Bridge (9miles) in February...I guess it's time to start focusing on my competition weight.  The clothes I wore at 167 still "fit"...if you define fitting as zipping or closing.  But as we all know...just because it fits...dont mean we should be wearing it. But that is a good judge for me, or a good goal I guess...bc I have some cute clothes ya know?  And I would like to wear them again comfortably.

Do you know what I have been really terrible at? I mean, besides eating healthy?  Drinking water.  Bad bad bad.  This week I have stopped drinking regular soda AND beer and wine.

 

 

Two things to note.  I had to stop drinking because I started to really like it.  I mean, I wasn't drinking mouth wash but I did enjoy coming home and having a couple of Wild Blue beers...getting a happy little buzz.  So...let's just put a stop to that for awhile shall we?  And I had just discovered Red Moscato!

 

I mean let's face it.  I am kinda an all-or-nothing kind of gal.  I either do really good...or I do really bad.  I am not so good at balance.

 

But I have also been getting really bad headaches lately. Sometimes twice a day, usually right behind both of my ears.  I had thought once or eight times that maybe I needed to drink water and that I was dehydrated.  But I hushed those thoughts with nachos.

 

But I have been drinking water this week and low and behold, no headaches. So we will see if that keeps up.

 

We have been running.  On Saturdays...or one day on the weekend...I run with Heather.  Which means she jogs and doesn't break a sweat and can hold a conversation with me like she was strolling through the mall, and I meanwhile am huffing, puffing, dragging a leg...praying for it to end.  Last weekend we did close to 5 miles. 

 

Tomorrow if finally Friday friends.

 

Thank goodness!

 

Until then lovies....

I Call BullShi@

I have a bone to pick this fine morning.  On several accounts, and let me tell you...I ALMOST don't care if I offend anyone.

Pause--

Good morning!  Hope everyone is well.

Resume--

Politics

I am glad the political season is over and I am glad the majority of us are still friends on Facebook.  However, I DID delete several people over the last few months for anything that I found ignorant, hateful, or mean-spirited.  I don't care if you voted for Obama, Romney, or Roseanne Barr...but here is an example of something a "friend" posted on election night.  This person is a someone we see and spend time with at least once a week at softball, and that I would really say is a friend. 

I posted a picture of my ballot (which may or may not be illegal in the state of Florida...but I didn't know) showing that I voted for Obama.  The caption of that picture said something like "Here's hoping I wake up in the morning one step closer to being able to marry the love of my life, a right that other taxpayers get to enjoy". 

I mean, regardless of who you voted for, I think it would be safe to say that Obama is a smidge more pro-gay than Romney...

Anywhoozle...so I posted that, and my friend wrote on my status "Where is the fucking dislike button".

Strike one.  And yes, he might have been disliking the Obama vote, and NOT the statement about marrying Heather...but still...unnecessary.

But THEN...THEN...he wrote a little status update of his own.  I would give it to you verbatim but he has since deleted his facebook account:

"I wish people would keep there ignorant fucking political statements to themselves.  If you are going to vote for a stupid fucking ni**er (and he spelled it out) then you don't give a shit about his country or what it was founded on".

Oh sweet grapefruit.  You've got to be kidding me.  WHO uses that word on facebook?  Who says something so hateful and full of ignorance?  I wish I could have deleted him twice.  I expected more from him.  And I realize we get all fired up about politics, religion, and other things that are so personal...but never would that be called for. 

We ran into him on Saturday night while out eating.  I did not speak to him or respond to his texts.  He text me and asked me why I was so mad.  And I told him.  I told him...and I haven't heard from him since.  Good riddance.

Next rant: 

Liars in our community

I do not understand bloggers, youtubers, facebookers who are WLS patients who only share the good.  OR...better yet.  LIE about how good they are. 

A couple of examples, and both are banders.  I know one bander on Facebook who loves to post what she eats.  And the posts are ALWAYS healthy.  But this person still weighs, I would guess, close to 300 pounds.  If you really only eat that nonsense you are posting, you would probably weigh a little less.  Be honest.  Do you think that twisting the truth helps the people in the community that are struggling?  No.  And I get it.  You want to feel special and high and mighty.

I ain't buying it.

Like that time I told you about another bandster who during dinner shamed the rest of us and complained about the unhealthy food choices provided for our meal...but later I caught her walking out of a restraunt with a big old cheeseburger...on her way to smoke a cigarette.  (I realize some of you are smokers...but none of you are saying "I am the PERFECT lapbandster and live a completly healthy life and blah blah".

That's okay.  Karma. 

But my point IS, I reckon...if I do have a point...is that this is a daily struggle for us.  We struggle with working out, with food choices, with life, with the tool inside of us...and pretending you are perfect is a disservice to all of us. 

Back To Facebook

Okay.  So maybe I see a pattern here.  Maybe I should get OFF of Facebook.  But yesterday someone on my friends list, and a reader of this blog, commented on a picture that I guess what posted by a radio station. It was a picture of an overweight girl, taken from behind, standing in line at a fast food restaraunt.  The girl was very overweight and had an unfortunate body shape and was wearing some clothes that were not flattering.  The caption on the picture, written by the disc jockey, was saying things along the lines of:  I will take #8, #10, etc. 

I only noticed it bc my friend had commented.  And I clicked on it in hopes that her comment was blasting the piece of shit who thought it was funny to make fun of an overweight girl.  She wasn't blasting him, although some others were.  So good for them.  It was a disgusting post that lead to disgusting hateful statements based on the person's size and shape.  And what if that picture was of a teenager?  A young girl struggling with herself?  What if she saw that post and all the hateful things people said?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????

Why can't we all just hug and get along?  Why can't we all just sit in hair brushing circles and pet each other?

WHY I ask you?

Things That Make Me Want To Poop

So I have this eerie feeling that I have used that title for a blog post before.  Which, I suppose is wrong on some levels.

Regardless.

I registered for a 15k today.  Not like a $15,000 something or other, but a race.  Here in old Pensacola they have what is called the Double Bridge Run.  We have two big bridges that run from downtown Pensacola and end at Pensacola Beach...for a total of 9.3 miles.  People come from around the country to do this run.

A couple of reasons this brings on what some people like to refer to as "butterflies", and what I like to refer to as "shit cramps" (I am a lady).

First, there are like...REAL runners that will be doing this race.  You know the kind.  Real runner shoes, tiny little shorts, no shirts.

Second, there are thousands of people that do the race. 

Third.  I may die.  The last bridge you run over is short, but basically straight up to the sky.

I decided to sign up though because I am going to tell you a secret.

I hate running.

There.  I said it.  Now I will never be able to be a real runner.  Maybe if I subscribe to Runner's World or something I can earn some points back...

But it's hard to find the motivation to run.  So if I pay for a race, if I set a goal, I know I will do it.  Mainly because I dont want the slow people bus to come and pick me up.  Seriously, there is a bus that comes and picks up the slow people.  Mama ain't getting on that bus. 

It will be on February 2nd, so I have plenty of time to train.  I am actually confident that I can finish, but would like to do so in a good time and pace for my stubby little legs.  Heather is doing it as well, and I have recruited a few more people.  The Tough Mudder is in May, so this will be a good marker of progress.

Moving on to the next thing that makes me want to poop...

Well, I forgot what it was, but I have other things to share.

Did I tell you I blew up my car?  That one day, about 6 weeks ago, I was driving...doing about 40mph and then...nothing.  Car no workie anymore?  My coworker and a friend came and stood by me and protected me until the tow truck driver showed up.  Turns out...although the results aren't conclusive...the fact that I hadn't gotten an oil change in 18 months may have been bad for my vehicle.  The timing chain broke and bent some valvie thingies and thus my entire motor has to be replaced, and the car just aint worth that.  SO, now I am car shopping.  Which is exciting, minus the fact that I am poor.  I'll keep you posted.  Good thing is, Heather and I work together so carpooling is what we are doing.  Bad thing is, I like to drive Heather's truck to buy food and other things I can't live without from Target, like cardigans or toothbrushes....and Heather likes to yell at me for this.

Something big happened a few weeks ago.  I am a co-chair for the leadership development team for our hospital system.  We plan 3 yearly leadership conferences, where all the leaders...from our CEO to our managers attend...so about 450 people.  After years of wanting, I finally got the chance to emcee the event.  As most of you know, here are a couple of facts about Amy:

1.  I love being the center of attention
2.  I love making people laugh
3.  I love being awesome

And some of you may not know, because I don't talk about work a lot on the blog, that one of the things I get to do from time to time is speak on leadership.  Over the course of this past year I have been lucky enough to speak in Nashville, Orlando, and several places in between.

But this gig was going to be BIG.  BECAUSE, our hospital system is known around the nation for being one of the best, and we have our own speaker's bureau that travels around and consults and speaks.  And if I could be anything when I grow up, besides a mermaid or an owner of a farm where people can board there animals...I want to be a motivational/inspirational speaker.

So I was all sorts of nervous leading up to that Friday.  I wanted to make sure I didn't say anything too inappropriate, didnt get myself fired, and didnt bring shame to my facility.  But, I also wanted to make sure that when I was done that day...people would know who I am...AND...I was hoping that the people from the speaker's bureau would want me.

Let me tell you. 

It was the best I have ever been.  I was funny.  I relevant.  And I felt good.  My stories worked, people were laughing...

THEN...oh man it gets better. 

I was famous.  People were finding me throughout the day hugging me.  Thanking me.  Telling me how wonderful I was.

It was like Amy Heaven....except there wasn't any chocolate waterfalls.

But seriously, it was a good day for me and as soon as I stepped off the stage after my opening, the people I was wanting to offer me a job, approached me.  I am not sure where it will lead.  Hopefully I will get to stay doing what I do, but travel once in awhile and speak for different organizations.  Regardless, it was professionally one of the best days of my life and helped me believe in my specialness a little more...which I know...after pumping myself up just a second ago may not sound necessary...

but one of my weaknesses that most people don't see is selling myself short.

So that's about it dudes.

Hope all is well.

kisses...

Well That's Just Bull...

While some of our favorite lapband (and lapbandless) bloggers were laughing and drinking and dancing...and who knows WHAT else in the windy city this weekend, I decided to crawl though bullshit. 

Seriously.

And it was awesome.  This was the weekend of the Delta Dash over in Alabama.  About 14 of us, in all various shapes, sizes, and ages...loaded up and made it to Stockton.  We suited up in our shirts...slammed some caffeine...and posed for pictures.  We even made the Mobile Press Register.

 

I know...we look very intimidating.  People were scared when they saw us coming.  I pooped about 3 times out of nervousness.  Not knowing what was ahead was the scariest part. 

We lined up at the starting gate and I started yelling things about going for the cornucopia of weapons (you know...you got to get inside of people's heads).

Here is a quick recap of what the run consisted of. 3.7 miles of dashing (seriously...running up hill in the woods forever...that's what if felt like) sprinkled in with 14 obstacles. Our first obstacle was the monkey bars...

It was awesome.  Until I put my foot out to step off...and fell flat on my back.  Sweeeet.  Off I went. There were walls to climbs, creeks to run in...logs to carry and tires to flip. We had to crawl under barbed wire, in the blackest, stinkiest, "mud" ever.  I yelled at the guy in charge of that obstacle "IS THIS COW POOP"...he said "NO! It's BULLSHIT"...and for real.  I believe him.  He also told me to "keep my ass down" so it didnt get caught in the barbs...to which I replied "This is as down as it gets sir.  It has a life of it's own"!

 At some point I caught up with Heather and Filthy Phil.

It took me about 20-30 minutes to catch up with them.  The majority of the time I was running alone...the rest of our team was somewhere behind us.  Eventually Heather and I left Phil.  The last sprint to the finish line consisted of a run through a creek...of what I would estimate to be half a mile.  It was the end of me.  I wanted to lay face down and drink the muddy creek water.  Mama was spent.  But my girlfriend...now how sweet is this...who was running about 10 feet in front of me, open her hand and stretched it behind her...towards me.

She wanted to hold me hand. 

She wanted to finish together.  SO I mustered up the rest of what I had and grabbed her hand and we finished with an uphill run, jumped over some hay bales, and called it a race.

58 minutes and 30 seconds.

It was a blast. 

I am so proud of all of us.  "The other Heather" from Defuniak, also known as Sharika Jingles...she had never done any race of any kind...and after only a few weeks of running...finished strong. BoobSweat, real name Natalie (posing in the yellow shirt with Heather above), faceplanted the incline climb and had her hair dressser pull a splinter from her jaw several days later.

It was a challenge for sure.  It also illustrated that we better really start training for the Tough Mudder in May bc if 3.7 miles and some hillbilly obstacles whooped our asses...10-12 miles surely will do the job.

Hope all is well my friends!  Happy Thursday!

Dirty In All The Right Places

Enough bemoaning my weight.  Two things are coming up.  First...this weekend...we are going to be participating in our first "mud run".  Several of you have done a mud run.  They are popping up all over and we have signed up for one over in Alabama called the "Delta Dash".  It's a 3-4 mile course with 14 obstacles....through the woods or something.  Whatever.  I am down for it.  There is a posse of about 12 of us caravanning that way early Saturday morning.  Surely, if nothing else, it will provide you, me, and my facebook with some good pictures.

THE next race we have signed up for is the big one.  We have been talking about it for over a year and Heather actually paid and locked us in. It's the Tough Mudder in Jacksonville, Florida...May 18th, 2013.  I AM SO EXCITED.  For those of you who don't know what the Tough Mudder is, it really is the mother of all mudders.  It is 10-12 miles long, and meant to be ran/completed as a team.  You can help each other.  The obstacles are for real.  For example:

The Arctic Enema

 

The Boa Constrictor

Hanging Tough

Underwater

 

And there are many more...running through electric wires, crawling through holes...a half pipe that is oiled up, walls, ropes.

 

We had to buy insurance.  We had to sign a death waver.  It's badass and I wish it was tomorrow. 

 

Maybe I should see if I can get through this weekend first eh?

Did I Ever Tell You...

...about the time I was anorexic for a day? Not really an entire day...more like 4 hours or so.  I was in elementary school, probably 4thish grade.  I remember watching an after school special or something about a girl who had an eating disorder, and she did crunches and sit ups all night long and just ate saltine crackers for her meals.  So I packed a little baggy of saltine crackers and went to school with a plan. 

Fail.

I don't remember exactly what happened, but I probably ate those crackers, took myself and my dry mouth to the water fountain, and then dug out the twinkie from my backpack I had been hoarding. 

I don't understand how people don't eat.  I don't understand dieters!  I have apparently forgotten how to lose weight.  Seriously.

But not I havent forgotten EVERYTHING.

I seem to remember how to gain weight with ease my friends.  Somehow, in this last week, I have gained 8 pounds.  I mean...come on?  Do you know what I saw on the scale this morning.  189.8.

Shut your dirty mouth.  (said to the universe, not to you)

Listen dudes.  I don't exactly know what happened.  Perhaps with my period a few days off I am bloated with 20 or so extra pounds?  But whatever your freakout weight is, anything close to 190, which is close to a plane ticket out of Onederland...if MY freakout weight.

Un problemo es I feel like a deer in the headlights.  Like.  I am staring at the car coming to hit  me, and I can't move.

That's why I posted that little quote up there at the top.  It is so true my friends.  So true.  I workout a lot.  I run more than ever.  I strength train. 

I gain weight. 

And it's because I don't make good food choices.  I just do not do it any more.  And Lord knows I must have made good choices during my losing first year, and even in my second year...But as I creep closer to my 4 year banded mark...

Mama better check herself before she wreck herself.

You dig?

Do you know what I ate 2 of?  Not at once, but two days back to back?  This big guy right here...

Sweet mammajamma.  That is the BK original chicken sandwich...and I havent eaten one since before being banded...bc if you can't eat it with the bread...then what's the point.  I mean, it's a fabulous blend of imitation chicken and warm mayonnaise.   I mean I ate that sucker, bread and all.  DEEE-LISH-US.  Who could ask for more?

ME ME

I want more. 

But alas.

Freak out weight says no.

So I TRY to think to myself how I managed to do it before.  Besides having my band tighter...how did I do it?  Blogging, have set goals, wanting to be a rockstar, changing sizes, getting into weight territory I hadn't seen...EVER....those were some of my motivators.

But the "how".  I know I drank water for realz.  I had my special bottle and made a game of it.  I know that on a regular basis I made more positive choices than bad negative choices.  But I just don't know.  Maybe because is was new and fun?  And now, nearly 4 years later, it's just life?

And let us be honest.

Healthy food sometimes tastes like ass.

Not like I have ever tasted ass...

Well there was that one time in college...

Just kidding...

It was WAY after college...

So yes yes YES I know what I need to do I guess.  Blah.  And today is Monday...and everyone knows Monday is the official start day of every "new way of life"...So today I am consuming water.  I am having a protein shake for breakfast every morning.  Bringing my lunch every day.  Healthy homemade meals for dinner, and trying to make the best choices in between. 

Happy Monday you little tasty critters!

Lesbians And Synchronized Uteruses

Do you remember when I first started living with Heather and I wrote some deeply insightful post about being a new lady lover and all the things people who are NOT lady lovers might not think about?  I am pretty sure there was a post like that, but if you do not recall it....I talked about how when you are dating a man...you never have to worry about starting your period and going to get a tampon, only to find that your man lover has used your last tampon and left the box empty.

Like Heather does.

Bless her heart.

And I suppose that this is not only a problem in lesbian households, but a problem some of you ladies may experience if you share your home with other girls/ladies who are "of age".

But here is another problem. 

You know how ladies and their cycles usually sync up if they live or work together?  Okay fine.  I can handle that...BUT...this is what is happening in our house these days.  About 2 day into her period, Heather gets...

let's see....how shall I phrase this...

bitchy.

Not necessarily with me, but she refuses to get off the couch, orders me around, talks angry talk at the people on tv (hmmm...this isn't sounding much different than a normal Monday night)...but she is MOODY and less accommodating to my emotional clingliness needs.  And as a sweet understanding girlfriend, I should be kinder to her during this time of emotional distress.

Unfortunately, when Heather is about 2 days into her period and thus...bitchy...I am about 2 days from starting mine...and 2 days from starting my period I am UBER needy.   I want to cuddle on the couch, I need to have my hair petted, I need a lot of positive affirmation (hmmm...this isnt sounding much different than a normal Monday night).

My point is.  When I need to be babied and Heather needs to be grumpy...THAT CAN'T HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME.

Have mercy.

Not to worry though.  I snuck into the bathroom this morning, stole the two remaining regular strength tampons and left her with one "light day" day tampon.

HA!  Who is the winner now?

Numbers Are Stupid...Unless They Are In Your Favor

The organization that both Heather and I work for have decided to adopt a "healthy lives" initiative.  If you carry our insurance, you can sign up for the program and you will NOT have to pay an extra $90 per month on your insurance (double that if your spouse in on your plan).   You have to go through a health screening of course, where they take your blood, check your cholesterol, blood pressure, etc...and of course....YOUR BMI.

If you have good levels you earn points. You can earn 350 points a year and redeem them for $350 dollars. 

Good blood pressure? 25 points
Non-smoker? 50 points
Working out/logging your exercise?  points
"Normal" BMI?  100 points

(we will return to that in a second).

Now my girlfriend of course will earn all her points right off the bat.  In fact, she went around looking like this:

And saying this: "That's right bitches.  Cha-ching.  It's about time this paid off"...for about 3 days.

Unlike me...who for three days before my screening walked around like this:

Saying: "Are you f%$king kidding me?!  BMI?  That's bullshit.  I am a weight lifter!  I am a body builder!  I can out run and outlift any of those skinny bitches in walking around here.  Put us on a treadmill!  Take me and have my body mass/bodyfat/muscle analzyed....I dare you!!!!"

Oh it was good.  In fact, those of you on my facebook probably saw me ranting about BMI.  I was fit to be tied.  I was hot. 

So I went into my screening and was all ready to tell my little health screener a thing or two about BMI and how far I have come.  I am 5'4".  The "normal" range for my BMI would be 110-140 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!  Say whaaat?  I mean, this is no news to me...but if you are linking my health to money...well game on.

So they took my blood.  They took my weight.  They measured my waist.

My precious little screener said "Your BMI is 31.9 and..."

I interrupted with "I KNOW.  I'm OBESE".

She said, "well, it doesn't matter, because your waist is 33"...which means according to this chart you are ATHLETIC and therefore exempt from BMI and don't need to lose any weight".

Excuse me?  Please repeat.

ATHLETIC she said again..

Oh...you can only imagine.  I think I may have blacked out from head swell.  I strode on out of that little booth and walked to find my girlfriend.

She was waiting for me.  She had discovered earlier that this was a possibility.

I said...Well I have no idea.  But I kept repeating saying things like: How's the weather.  I'm athletic.  I answered my work phone:  Athletic speaking, how may I help you?

I was unbearable.

I did realize though how funny it was that I was so set on how a number can't determine your health or fitness...

until a number worked out in my favor!

bahahahah...such is life.

But just for the record...

The BMI scale is still stupid.

Keep your chin up ladies!  It's Monday, there is a Hurricane headed my way, and I am feeling athletic.  All is right with the world.

kisses.

One of The Best Commercials In...Forever

I love this video.  It aired during the Olympics and yes...I was premenstrual...but I played it back for Heather...who was outside picking up dog poop (not with her bare hands...we have a scoop).  And I have SO been wanting to share it with you for weeks now, but because my blogger was broke (okay, that's a lie...I'm just lazy), I didnt get a chance to post in until today.

Many of you are like me.  Running was something that as a young adult, a "tween" if you will, was a holy grail of fitness.  It was an idea in my head like "one day I will be a runner", or "one day I will be one of those girls who puts on her running shoes and goes for a jog"...

It never happened.  There are always high school movies about the girl who undergoes a transformation, starts jogging the track at school, gets fit, wins the crown and the quarterback....

It never happened for me.

Okay, I won the crown during Winter Royalty...but that's beyond the point.  I wasn't running anywhere...except to the border (Taco Bell)...and by running I mean driving my 1984 Oldsmobile Ferenza.

But what is fantastic about this video is that it inspires me.  And while I do run now (really it's more of jogging...I don't know when it officially becomes running), I still feel at time like a wounded seal running.  And most of the time, whilst actual in the act of propelling myself forward, I hate it.   It's tough.  It's MUCH easier than January 1st of this year.  I am MUCH better...but I am still not the girl who says "I think I will go for a run to clear my mind"...UNLESS, by clearing ones mind you mean you don't think of anything else because all of your brainpower is consumed with thinking how stupid running is...then yes...possibly.

But I feel good when I am finished.  And I feel good when I know that my body can do things that I have waited a very long time for it to do.  Does Heather finish a 5k on the treadmill about 6 minutes faster than me?  Yes.  Does she have my ass (fabulous though it is) to carry.  NO. So there.  She should be faster.  She is a little thing.

But really, this isn't about running.  It's about starting somewhere. Your starting point, my starting point, David Beckham's starting point (he really doesn't fit in here, but he is beautiful so I mentioned him because it makes me feel warm in all the right spots), may be different.  But you have to start. And then...you have to NOT quit.

That's the tough part sometimes.  But it can be done.

I promise.

I Climb Ropes

In elementary school we used to do dangerous things.  You know, things that children aren't allowed to do today because they could "get hurt".

We used to actually do gymnastics in gym.  There was a horse (not the animal kind, but the vaulting kind), there were uneven bars. 

We had a section of p.e. each year where we shot bb guns at targets.  Inside the building.

We played dodgeball.

We leg wrestled (which I owned like a BOSS until 6th grade when Josie McClellan grew 8 feet and my legs stopped growing...forever).

And we climbed ropes that were tied to the ceiling of our gym.  I mean, "tied" might be the wrong word.  They were secured in some fashion.  There was a horn to honk at the top.  And they were awesome.  And I could climb those suckers.  I ain't gonna lie. 

Well, you just don't come upon ropes secured to the ceilings very much anymore.  But we attended a party on Saturday night, a cookout if you will, that was in someones workshop.  And low-and-behold, there was a rope.  Well, I whispered to Heather "Um...I think we can climb that rope"...and then she got all excited bc one of her favorite past times is showing off...so I asked the rope owner for permission.

Permission granted.

Heather climbed the rope in a nano-second. The first time she used her feet.  The second time, after being issued a challenge by the ropes owner, she climbed it with no feet...solely using her arms to pull herself up. 

Impressive.  Whatevs.

After Heather went up, several ladies tried to do the same.  Not.So.Much

Well, I was wearing a skirt.  But I wanted so badly to try. 
See skirt below.

Me to Heather: Too bad I am wearing a skirt.
Heather to Me: Go for it.

Me to Me: It's Go Time.

So I go over.  Take off the sandals.  Take of the ring.

And slap your mama....I climbed that rope, screamed something at the top (probably LIKE A BOSS) and started to come back down.

Look.  Coming back down a rope in a skirt is no fun people.  Rope burn of the vagina is not a way to go out (so I got rope burn on my ankles). 

I was so pumped that I was able to do it. I am sure the view of my thighs and cooter shadowy area was lovely, but I didnt care. 

Afterwards Heather said "I should have taken pictures".  To which I said "Yeah, I took pictures of YOU".  To which SHE said "Well, I didnt think you would be able to do it"...

sccrrrrrreeeeach

Excuse me? 

She said "Well the other girls couldnt do it".

TO WHICH I SAID "DO THEY WORKOUT 6 TIMES A WEEK?

I mean goooood lord?  I would expect better from her.

But, I showed her. hahahahahahaha

I need a rope. I need a tall warehouse to hang the rope. 
Make it happen Universe.  I am going to just start asking the Universe for things.  Like I just posted this status on Facebook:

I mean, all you can do is ask ya know?  And if the universe says no...well I will just punch it in the ham wallet.

In other news, I am starting week 2 of: I just got a band!!!  I am rocking some healthy choices, not going coo coo crazy with denying myself, and working out.  In fact...I have gained 4 pounds since Saturday!  How awesome is that...

yeah...

you read that right.  I am up for pounds, which is beyond Richard Simmons ridiculous.  I am not worrying too much yet (talk to me next Monday), as I am about 1 day away from starting my period and that is the only reason I can possibly fathom for such numerical nonsense.

I went to hot yoga again last night.  I go every so often, but not often enough.  Each time I do go however, I am reminded within 5 minutes of how FLIPPIN HARD IT IS!  People who say yoga is "just stretching" ain't never done yoga mmmmmmkay?

Day Four with My New Band

Just kidding.  It's the same good old Tina that I have had for 3.5 years.  I was just trying to pretend this week that my fill on Monday was my first fill ever...and trying to be a good bandster.  I stuck to liquids the first day of the fill, liquids the next day until dinner.  Then I served myself us the best crock-pot roast I have ever eaten, and served it on a little plate, not the usual dinner plate.  I ate my protein first, then the carrots, and a nibble of the tater.  I ended with a little piece of french baguette.  No problems at all.  That meal seemed to hold me until dinner.  I didn't even want to have something sweet for dessert.

I have had no acid reflux.

I am still feeling physically hungry throughout the day though.  I am starving in the morning while working out, and then hungry again before lunch (but have just been doing protein shakes for breakfast and one can't really expect those to hold you for 3 hours)....and really hungry before dinner.  But Heather has been working later than normal, so we aren't eating until after 7...so that's almost 8 hours after my lunch.  Can't blame the band for that!

So hopefully I am at a good place portion size wise.  This week I have drank only water (and some milk)...no soda.  No beer.  I haven't indulged in Oreos.  I am trying to take one day at a time.  I am not going crazy depriving myself.  I had to present for work yesterday at noon, and was offered free mexican buffet, but opted for some Greek yogurt from TCBY instead. 

On a different note:  Sometimes when I have to go the bathroom at work I forget I am at work and pull my pants down before I get into the stall.  Granted, there is only me and one other female in this building, but a transient pee'er or pooper could walk in.  On the opposite side, sometimes I forget to pull my pants up before I leave the stall.  Oh well.  We are one people.

I may have to delete my facebook account before I get angry and say mean things.  It's getting cray cray on there with politics and gay chicken nuggets.  I just don't know these days.  I just don't know.

The weekend is upon us.  Should be another busy one for the Gainey-Workman household.  A play tomorrow night (Heather would never opt to attend a play except our coworkers child is in it), a possible party on Saturday night, and then Sunday...nothing!  Whipppeee....except working out and hopefully the beach.  Wanna come?

Fill Me Up...Buttercup...I mean...Dr. Friedman

This morning I received the ever so gentle poke and fill from Dr. Friedman.  He said nothing about my weight gain, asked me the normal questions on his checklist, and asked if I had noticed a difference in the way my clothes were fitting.  I answered honestly to all questions, because lying to your doctor will get you nowhere.

I didn't demand a big fill.  I didn't even ask how much he was putting in.  I probed him (that sounded dirty) with questions about the sleeve, bypass, lapband, etc.

I was a good girl and followed the rules for liquids today. I had some soup for breakfast (after the fill), protein shake for lunch, yogurt for mid afternoon snack (mmmkay....not really a liquid), and soup for dinner with a few fritos tossed in. 

I am sitting here in bed, getting ready for the real test. 

I am hoping there is no acid reflux tonight, which would likely mean I am too restricted.  We shall see.

I am feeling hopeful...as one often feels after a fill.  I am going to set a goal tomorrow, just like the good old days.  I am NOT tracking or recording my calories at this time.  I didn't do it during my weight loss phase (very little) and am going to rely on actual hunger to tell me eat, try to make a majority of positive and healthy choices, stay away from candy and cookies on a more consistent basis, increase my water intake, decrease my soda and beer intake, and keep working out.  That's my plan. 

I will leave you with a few pictures from the weekend.  My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, so we went up and surprised them by being there for their party. 

The family.

My brother.

My love

My sister and my niece.

Son of a BUCK

I am going in for a fill on Monday. 

Sigh.

Do you think I can lose 10 pounds over the weekend? 

FINE.

I hate the thought of going in for a fill when I am up on the scale.  BUT...I figured I can't be a hypocrite and tell ya'll to use your tool and don't be afraid of what your doctor will think if you havent lost...

and then be afraid of what my doctor will think because I have gained and am not using my tool.

And now, while the 10ish (fine...possibly 14ish) pounds I am up are not all due to the fact that my restriction is lacking...it has now gotten to the point that when I am sitting down to eat a meal, my portions are rather large.  Much larger than what a bandster is supposed to eat with proper restriction...very much like a normal person.  Heather and I can eat about the same portion size for meals (almost).  And don't let that girl fool you, she can put away some food.

So I go to the doctors on Monday.  It's been awhile since I have been able to put my arms around Dr. Friedman anyways...so it won't all be bad.

For my new bandsters, or my present bandsters, who may be asking...How do you know you need a fill?  This is how I know.

1.  My portion size at dinner has increased.  I can eat firsts AND seconds.  A normal meal may include pasta and veggies, and I am probably eating 2 cups or so of pasta and almost 2 cups of veggies. 

2.  Even with these increased portion sizes, I am physically hungry within approximately 2 hours.  Even if that meal includes heavy protein.

3.  I can eat a hamburger, bun and all (we are talking about a junior cheeseburger or the likes), in the car...in under 5 minutes.

4.  I am physically hungry a lot! 

I do not use how much I am snacking or how much I want to eat as a gauge.  I think about eating all the time, that doesn't mean I am hungry.  I snack whether I am hungry or not.  My band doesn't really help me with that...and I try not to use "I hardly get stuck" as a gauge either...bc I could make myself get stuck in less than 60 seconds if I tried. 

I am not asking or requesting a huge fill.  I am going to let Dr. Friedman be the judge.  The last 2 fills I have had, I ended up being too tight and had to go back in for an unfill (and to be fair, I begged for a big fill...).  So I am just hoping that a minor fill will help with some of the battle.

After all, why have this surgery if you aren't going to try and use your band?

Waiting For Others To Fail

Let me do a real, honest-to-goodness post.  My fingertips have been hovering over my keyboard for a few minutes now, trying to either a) muster the courage to type or b) figure out how to word this blog post as not to seem like a shallow, hateful individual.

I know that I am not alone.  I also know that many of you are better people than I could ever claim to be, and may never think what I think...

But sometimes when I see "one of us" who has gained their weight back...it makes me feel better about myself!

Isn't that terrible?  And please know that I would not wish weight gain on any of "us" (now...there are some girls from high school that I see on Facebook who were biatches back in the 90's and now that they are much bigger than they were, and in some case, bigger than I am now...well...I can't really tell you that I don't giggle when that happens)...but I am talking about those of us who had the balls to blog about our weight loss journeys, regardless of if we had a surgery or not...that have gained their weight back.

It doesn't give me pleasure, or make me happy to see someone who I thought had "finally made it"...fall backwards, but it does make me say in my head "well at least I have more control than THAT person".  Or "I would NEVER get fat again"...

It's not nice.  But most of us are always comparing ourselves to others.  I try to remember that...

With that said, those who have gained some, all, or any of their weight back and blog about it...are truly those who deserve a pat on their backs.  It takes balls (or lady nuts) to say to the world (we are the world...we are the children....lalala) that things aren't all roses and gerber daisies. 

And even though I like to think "I would never go back to 327"...I guess anything is possible.  Because this is how it happens...you gain a few pounds this month.  And you think "it's just 2 pounds"...but then you gain 2 pounds next month, and again you think "I'm only 4 pounds up from my lowest"...and then before you know it, it's one year later and you've gained 60 pounds.  The weight doesn't come back overnight...just like you can't lose all the weight over night either (fuckshitballs).  When we make exceptions, or when we give an inch (around our waist), it becomes a slippery slope.

But it is so much easier to get fat, stay fat, be fat...then it is to lose, maintain, or be healthy.  I mean, it's not easier to walk, live, or be active when you are fat...but when you are shoveling everything in your mouth that you want, when you don't get up and workout, when you give up...damn...it's easier than battling this weight loss/food addiction every.damn.day.

Heather is always saying "You have to have a freakout weight". 

definition:  a weight at which you get scared to the point of reasoning, and you will diet your way back to your goal weight

I have been arguing this concept with her for well over a year.  I have said "I don't want a freak out weight.  I don't FREAK out".

Well, she may have been right.  Because here is what happened to me.  I think my lowest weight has been around 165. Maybe even 163...and that was right after I did Atkins for 2 weeks.  Well, then I pretty quickly went right back up to around 171.  And I was like "That's cool, I can hover around there, give or take".

And then I went up to 174...and again "That's cool, I can hover around there, give or take".

AND THEN (are you seeing a pattern), 174 became 178.  And now, 178 is around 182.

And sha-bang-o.  I am somehow up around 20 pounds from my lowest, 12 pounds from my goal weight!

And I know I have to do something.  I know I have to make changes.  But I DON'T WANNA!  I want to eat junk food and drink soda and eat, and eat, and eat.  I don't wanna think about my calories.  I just want to be skinny and not have to sacrifice.

What?

What's that you say?

You saying "Get off your unicorn Amy!  That's shit ain't gonna happen.  You know better.  Do better.  You've done it before.  Do it again."

Is that what you are saying?

FINE. 

Shut your mouth when you are talking to me.

It's hard to get started.  Some of you have been blogging about feeling like you have to start over...and it's daunting.  I FEEL YOU.  It sucks.

But I think for so many of us, like it or not, it's always going to be hard. 

But again, kudos for those of you recommitting, reposting, sharing your actual weight.  There are some people in the weight loss community (none of the people that I am thinking about our bloggers) who are liars.

They go around speaking and holding themselves up...telling their stories and pretending that they have shit under control. 

Some of them are liars.  I have ran into some of them at different functions, sneaking out of a hotel restaurant with a big old juicy hamburger in a to-go box, at 11:00 at night.  And there is nothing wrong with that...except hours before being caught with said bovine, they were acting all high and mighty and actually speaking in disgust at those of us who had gone back for seconds at the provided evening meal.

Some of them HAVE lost a lot of weight. Some of them started near 500 pounds.  But, if you are still hanging out in the upper 200's...and have been for several years...you still aren't perfect.

Honesty in this community is more important than being an artificial idol.  And I know that those people putting up a false front get to look at themselves in the mirror, when no one else is looking...and it must be hard to know that they are frauds.  And so the nice Amy wants to give them a hug and tell them "The truth will set you free"...but hostile Amy just usually wants to run over them with a big wheel.

Holy smoky ham balls, this post turned into something else didn't it?

Let's talk about something lighter.

Politics?

Abortion?

Juuuuust kidding.  No talkie about any of that today.

Or ever.

So tomorrow, I reckon I might do yet another "Amy is back on the BANDwagon post"...

or maybe I will still be slathering myself in chocolate.

Stay tuned.

Don't hate me.

I promise I have a good soul.

xoxo