Waiting For Others To Fail

Let me do a real, honest-to-goodness post.  My fingertips have been hovering over my keyboard for a few minutes now, trying to either a) muster the courage to type or b) figure out how to word this blog post as not to seem like a shallow, hateful individual.

I know that I am not alone.  I also know that many of you are better people than I could ever claim to be, and may never think what I think...

But sometimes when I see "one of us" who has gained their weight back...it makes me feel better about myself!

Isn't that terrible?  And please know that I would not wish weight gain on any of "us" (now...there are some girls from high school that I see on Facebook who were biatches back in the 90's and now that they are much bigger than they were, and in some case, bigger than I am now...well...I can't really tell you that I don't giggle when that happens)...but I am talking about those of us who had the balls to blog about our weight loss journeys, regardless of if we had a surgery or not...that have gained their weight back.

It doesn't give me pleasure, or make me happy to see someone who I thought had "finally made it"...fall backwards, but it does make me say in my head "well at least I have more control than THAT person".  Or "I would NEVER get fat again"...

It's not nice.  But most of us are always comparing ourselves to others.  I try to remember that...

With that said, those who have gained some, all, or any of their weight back and blog about it...are truly those who deserve a pat on their backs.  It takes balls (or lady nuts) to say to the world (we are the world...we are the children....lalala) that things aren't all roses and gerber daisies. 

And even though I like to think "I would never go back to 327"...I guess anything is possible.  Because this is how it happens...you gain a few pounds this month.  And you think "it's just 2 pounds"...but then you gain 2 pounds next month, and again you think "I'm only 4 pounds up from my lowest"...and then before you know it, it's one year later and you've gained 60 pounds.  The weight doesn't come back overnight...just like you can't lose all the weight over night either (fuckshitballs).  When we make exceptions, or when we give an inch (around our waist), it becomes a slippery slope.

But it is so much easier to get fat, stay fat, be fat...then it is to lose, maintain, or be healthy.  I mean, it's not easier to walk, live, or be active when you are fat...but when you are shoveling everything in your mouth that you want, when you don't get up and workout, when you give up...damn...it's easier than battling this weight loss/food addiction every.damn.day.

Heather is always saying "You have to have a freakout weight". 

definition:  a weight at which you get scared to the point of reasoning, and you will diet your way back to your goal weight

I have been arguing this concept with her for well over a year.  I have said "I don't want a freak out weight.  I don't FREAK out".

Well, she may have been right.  Because here is what happened to me.  I think my lowest weight has been around 165. Maybe even 163...and that was right after I did Atkins for 2 weeks.  Well, then I pretty quickly went right back up to around 171.  And I was like "That's cool, I can hover around there, give or take".

And then I went up to 174...and again "That's cool, I can hover around there, give or take".

AND THEN (are you seeing a pattern), 174 became 178.  And now, 178 is around 182.

And sha-bang-o.  I am somehow up around 20 pounds from my lowest, 12 pounds from my goal weight!

And I know I have to do something.  I know I have to make changes.  But I DON'T WANNA!  I want to eat junk food and drink soda and eat, and eat, and eat.  I don't wanna think about my calories.  I just want to be skinny and not have to sacrifice.

What?

What's that you say?

You saying "Get off your unicorn Amy!  That's shit ain't gonna happen.  You know better.  Do better.  You've done it before.  Do it again."

Is that what you are saying?

FINE. 

Shut your mouth when you are talking to me.

It's hard to get started.  Some of you have been blogging about feeling like you have to start over...and it's daunting.  I FEEL YOU.  It sucks.

But I think for so many of us, like it or not, it's always going to be hard. 

But again, kudos for those of you recommitting, reposting, sharing your actual weight.  There are some people in the weight loss community (none of the people that I am thinking about our bloggers) who are liars.

They go around speaking and holding themselves up...telling their stories and pretending that they have shit under control. 

Some of them are liars.  I have ran into some of them at different functions, sneaking out of a hotel restaurant with a big old juicy hamburger in a to-go box, at 11:00 at night.  And there is nothing wrong with that...except hours before being caught with said bovine, they were acting all high and mighty and actually speaking in disgust at those of us who had gone back for seconds at the provided evening meal.

Some of them HAVE lost a lot of weight. Some of them started near 500 pounds.  But, if you are still hanging out in the upper 200's...and have been for several years...you still aren't perfect.

Honesty in this community is more important than being an artificial idol.  And I know that those people putting up a false front get to look at themselves in the mirror, when no one else is looking...and it must be hard to know that they are frauds.  And so the nice Amy wants to give them a hug and tell them "The truth will set you free"...but hostile Amy just usually wants to run over them with a big wheel.

Holy smoky ham balls, this post turned into something else didn't it?

Let's talk about something lighter.

Politics?

Abortion?

Juuuuust kidding.  No talkie about any of that today.

Or ever.

So tomorrow, I reckon I might do yet another "Amy is back on the BANDwagon post"...

or maybe I will still be slathering myself in chocolate.

Stay tuned.

Don't hate me.

I promise I have a good soul.

xoxo