Why Our New Bodies Aren't Enough

For those of you near your "end game", or close to goal...you may have noticed something. 

Your BODY still isn't good enough.

I clearly remember when I started blogging, and how I felt when "skinny" fat people, weighing in at 220 pounds, compared to my 327 pounds...would talk about how fat THEY were.  I thought..."Damn.  What I wouldn't give to be 220!"

And then of course, 220 came and went.  And one day last fall, 170 arrived.  There is was.  My goal weight.  The weight I couldn't have really imagined ever seeing.  And for awhile...it was enough.

Until it wasn't.

On vacation, whilst relaxing in the hot tub, I was watching a show of sorts go on underwater.  Caught up somewhere in the movement of the water was my loose skin.  Of course I was hot tubing sans swimsuit...so I had a clear view of the action.  My stomach skin was sort of floating up towards the top...as if ready to breach the surface to gasp for air.  I could touch it.  It was fun to play with.  But it was disheartening.

And we could beat this dead saggy horse all day couldn't we?  But what I could articulate for the first time was WHY it wasn't enough.  Because again, I am healthy and fit.  I am a size 10.  I should be content.  160 pounds ago I would have sworn that if I made it this far I would be good to go. 

But here is what happens.  When you are morbidly obese, all I really wanted was health and fashion.  I wanted to be healthy, and all that it entails, and I wanted to be able to shop like a normal person.  But when you become healthy and less shopping challenged...once you reach this mecca called "Maintenance", you are no longer the morbidly obese person striving for health.  You are a healthy person striving for....For something more.  More muscle, a smaller size, less saggy skin, etc. 

So yes, the Morbidly Obese Amy would have been happy with 170 and a size 10 and a little saggy skin.  But I am no longer the MOA.  I am the fit and thick Amy...who wishes now for things that most likely will never be.  I won't have a tummy tuck bc it's just not worth it to me.  My stomach isn't so bad that I want to endure the pain.  And most likely, if I ever did have one, I would then be sad I had a scar.  I can't fix my cellulite.  Ah, that's forever.  My stretch marks too. 

But I am not really complaining or throwing a pity party.  I promise.  I just wanted to shed some light on a side that I didn't ever really understand.  How once you are "normal"...or just want a little more normal.  You enter a different level with your body and your mind...not necessarily a higher one...but a different one.