Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Why Our New Bodies Aren't Enough

For those of you near your "end game", or close to goal...you may have noticed something. 

Your BODY still isn't good enough.

I clearly remember when I started blogging, and how I felt when "skinny" fat people, weighing in at 220 pounds, compared to my 327 pounds...would talk about how fat THEY were.  I thought..."Damn.  What I wouldn't give to be 220!"

And then of course, 220 came and went.  And one day last fall, 170 arrived.  There is was.  My goal weight.  The weight I couldn't have really imagined ever seeing.  And for awhile...it was enough.

Until it wasn't.

On vacation, whilst relaxing in the hot tub, I was watching a show of sorts go on underwater.  Caught up somewhere in the movement of the water was my loose skin.  Of course I was hot tubing sans swimsuit...so I had a clear view of the action.  My stomach skin was sort of floating up towards the top...as if ready to breach the surface to gasp for air.  I could touch it.  It was fun to play with.  But it was disheartening.

And we could beat this dead saggy horse all day couldn't we?  But what I could articulate for the first time was WHY it wasn't enough.  Because again, I am healthy and fit.  I am a size 10.  I should be content.  160 pounds ago I would have sworn that if I made it this far I would be good to go. 

But here is what happens.  When you are morbidly obese, all I really wanted was health and fashion.  I wanted to be healthy, and all that it entails, and I wanted to be able to shop like a normal person.  But when you become healthy and less shopping challenged...once you reach this mecca called "Maintenance", you are no longer the morbidly obese person striving for health.  You are a healthy person striving for....For something more.  More muscle, a smaller size, less saggy skin, etc. 

So yes, the Morbidly Obese Amy would have been happy with 170 and a size 10 and a little saggy skin.  But I am no longer the MOA.  I am the fit and thick Amy...who wishes now for things that most likely will never be.  I won't have a tummy tuck bc it's just not worth it to me.  My stomach isn't so bad that I want to endure the pain.  And most likely, if I ever did have one, I would then be sad I had a scar.  I can't fix my cellulite.  Ah, that's forever.  My stretch marks too. 

But I am not really complaining or throwing a pity party.  I promise.  I just wanted to shed some light on a side that I didn't ever really understand.  How once you are "normal"...or just want a little more normal.  You enter a different level with your body and your mind...not necessarily a higher one...but a different one.

11 comments:

  1. I was just talking about this with my hubby this am. I was reminded of oh so many years ago when my primary doc told me he'd be happy if I could just get back down to what I weighed in HS, that was good enough for him, as long as I was 'fit'. Well, I actually weigh less than that right now, and of course for me it's not enough, because I'm still in the 'overweight' category. And, when will it be enough for me. Ever? Not sure if I'll even know when I get there. At least you're aware of what's going on and you're talking about it, no longer in denial, and that's half the battle!

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  2. I don't know if this is helpful or more depressing....but I sort of have the opposite problem. I have to keep telling myself that no, this is not enough, I can do better. I am a little too content to sit here at size 12, normal "enough," and call it a day.

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  3. I was just about to blog something along the same lines. Stay tuned! :)

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  4. I am still in the MO area but I do understand what you are saying. I have already told my husband that if I don't like my skin, boobs or what ever I will have them fixed when it is all said and done. I don't mind the pain or the scars but I do mind the sack of skin that is starting to hang down to my knees and is not going back up. Great post.

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  5. I get it. I really do. However, you really DO look great, normal or not! :)

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  6. YES! But it seems like it's human nature to want to BE more and DO more. I know I'm going to need a tummy tuck and maybe a boob lift. I know I just can't be happy with them if after already losing 50 lbs, this is what they look like. I think two kiddos and being fat for so long has just taken too much of a toll on me.

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  7. I totally get it. I know I will be getting a tummy tuck, inner thigh lift, and bat wing removal someday. In the mean time I will be thankful for what I've got and keep smiling.

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  8. I gave you an Adorable Blog Award (post for tomorrow) so come grab it when you have a chance.

    P.S. I read ALL your posts but don't comment often. I love your sense of humor!

    P.S.S. I also plan on getting my boobs and tummy done when I am finished losing.

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  9. WOW....well said. I worry that I will never be happy with me, no matter what size or weight. Good thing I am in therapy!!! I need me some AMY therapy!

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