For those of you near your "end game", or close to goal...you may have noticed something.
Your BODY still isn't good enough.
I clearly remember when I started blogging, and how I felt when "skinny" fat people, weighing in at 220 pounds, compared to my 327 pounds...would talk about how fat THEY were. I thought..."Damn. What I wouldn't give to be 220!"
And then of course, 220 came and went. And one day last fall, 170 arrived. There is was. My goal weight. The weight I couldn't have really imagined ever seeing. And for awhile...it was enough.
Until it wasn't.
On vacation, whilst relaxing in the hot tub, I was watching a show of sorts go on underwater. Caught up somewhere in the movement of the water was my loose skin. Of course I was hot tubing sans swimsuit...so I had a clear view of the action. My stomach skin was sort of floating up towards the top...as if ready to breach the surface to gasp for air. I could touch it. It was fun to play with. But it was disheartening.
And we could beat this dead saggy horse all day couldn't we? But what I could articulate for the first time was WHY it wasn't enough. Because again, I am healthy and fit. I am a size 10. I should be content. 160 pounds ago I would have sworn that if I made it this far I would be good to go.
But here is what happens. When you are morbidly obese, all I really wanted was health and fashion. I wanted to be healthy, and all that it entails, and I wanted to be able to shop like a normal person. But when you become healthy and less shopping challenged...once you reach this mecca called "Maintenance", you are no longer the morbidly obese person striving for health. You are a healthy person striving for....For something more. More muscle, a smaller size, less saggy skin, etc.
So yes, the Morbidly Obese Amy would have been happy with 170 and a size 10 and a little saggy skin. But I am no longer the MOA. I am the fit and thick Amy...who wishes now for things that most likely will never be. I won't have a tummy tuck bc it's just not worth it to me. My stomach isn't so bad that I want to endure the pain. And most likely, if I ever did have one, I would then be sad I had a scar. I can't fix my cellulite. Ah, that's forever. My stretch marks too.
But I am not really complaining or throwing a pity party. I promise. I just wanted to shed some light on a side that I didn't ever really understand. How once you are "normal"...or just want a little more normal. You enter a different level with your body and your mind...not necessarily a higher one...but a different one.