Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Two Types Of PBin'...And I Ain't Talking Peanut Butter

So the PB.  Many of us have been there.  The proud.  The brave.  The many.  Some have not been blessed with these happenings.  The few.  The lucky.  The someday it may happens.

For me, there are two types of PB's that I shall discuss. 

1.  The IT'S GO TIME MUTHA-F%$!*'S PB

This PB comes swiftly, like the sword of a well-trained knight from King of Thrones.  I can be eating something and know, by the tell-tell signs of tightness, that I am stuck.  THEN, a couple of things start to happen and they all have to do with my mouth/jaw. 

At the back of my jaw (this is the Magic School Bus explanation) I picture little pods of slobber.  When the IT'S GO TIME MUTHA-F%$!*'S PB starts a'coming, these pods start to tingle.  And they start to produce saliva.  Which in turn, I swallow.  And where does the slobber go?  It goes down my pipe and sits directly on whatever is stuck.  The backup of slobber it pretty rapid bc it's coming out of my pods at an alarming rate.  So within minutes of getting stuck, it's all coming back up.  FAST.  This is actually my preferred method of PBing, bc it's over quick and there is not usually subsequent PB's to remove more food debris.  HOWEVER, it's bad when you aren't anywhere NEAR a PB receptacle (aka. toilet, Ziploc baggie, trashcan).  This happened to me when Southern Belle and I were dining at the ever classy Rainforest Cafe in Chicago last fall.  It was chip induced and we were on the upper level.  The bathroom?  DOWNSTAIRS!  Result?  I threw up in my mouth and held it until I made it to the leau.

Oooh, this also happened to me that one time at MellowMushroom.  I had just eaten pizza and then someone bought us a shot of Patron.  Yeah. In hindsight, bad idea.  I made it to the bathroom but not to a stall.  I projectile slimed everywhere.  On the wall.  The rug.  Good times.

Now, the second PB:

2.  The WHAT IN THE HELL IS STUCK INSIDE ME pb.  This happens with things like meat.  Or bowtie pasta...which even though I don't have proof, I believe it is manufactured and shipped straight from Satan's kitchen.  This PB can take hours to end.  There are usually several rounds of this.  A lot of dry heaving.  Some praying.  Some bargaining with your God or Goddess about how if it will just come out, you will never eat it (whatever it is) again.  For me, these are loud affairs and I come out looking as though I have been crying/working out/slash breaking out in hives. This one is super unpleasant for social reasons because if you have to end up in a public restroom, most people in the stall next to you are probably assuming you have a touch of the bulimia. 

I have been tempted to come out of the stall and pat my belly and say "Wow, this first trimester is really hard".

So there you have it.  My PB summary. 

God speed.

17 comments:

  1. Totally! The first method is definitely my preferred. I like it quick and over with fast. The ones that seem to last hours and actually involve several episodes are terrible! Those actually have me feeling NAUSEOUS, like I'm actually sick or something. Great summary!

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  2. I am LOLing at my desk. So accurate!

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  3. OK, so I've figured out what you are talking about...but what does PB stand for???

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  4. You so perfectly described both kinds Amy! I am hysterical laughing though at your examples! Too funny!

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  5. Exactly correct. Lol Love ya and Miss you!

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  6. You are right on the money with those summaries. I much much much prefer #1. #2 makes me cry, pout and sometimes foot stomping are involved, that is if I ever get out of the bathroom.

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  7. You have such a way with words.....EXACTLY!!!!

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  8. Seems like lately I have a IT'S GO TIME MUTHA-F%$!*'S PB every day... haven't had the extended version yet.. hoping I never do! While the IGTMF version isn't pleasant, it's overwith in a few minutes and that I can deal with!

    Thanks for the laughs in an otherwise dullish work day! :)

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  9. I have a third...it is the i just plain old ate too much kind. usually a bit of spit only pb while the rest goes through the old stomach shute.

    I agree that the first is the best but very difficult (and my greatest fear) when out in public.

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  10. The first one is why I never travel without an empty cup in the car!

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  11. Great explanation Amy!!

    Exactly what I go through too...and I too prefer the first as it is quick, over and done with!!

    The second...ugh!!! I have had it last up to 6 hours!!! And yes, I look like I have been sick and crying, etc. As it involves tears, and a constantly runny nose from mucous trying to come out in any way that it can!! LOL

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  12. I can't stand the tightness. Hate it. Just stick my finger in my mouth and run it along my soft upper palate until I yarp that shit up.

    I had a projectile PB moment a week ago on lunch meat turkey. I chewed it up really well and wasn't eating quickly but my band just wasn't in the mood for it that day. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever be in the mood for turkey again.

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  13. I love how you put it. I spent a 6 hour road trip on Saturday stuck like #2! YUCK!

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  14. You really nailed them both! I don't go anywhere without a few ziplocs and can even PB under the table in a restaurant. I have them in all the glove compartments and every purse.

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  15. Hahaha, love the first one, unfortunatly for me it's almost always #2. One of the joys of lapband. =)

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  16. I am waiting to get banded but this could be the BEST, funniest, detailed description of PB I have ever heard of.

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  17. Ohh my goodness this made me laugh so hard... I am going to share this with the people I dine with as the totally don't understand... Love love your work xx

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