Two Types Of PBin'...And I Ain't Talking Peanut Butter

So the PB.  Many of us have been there.  The proud.  The brave.  The many.  Some have not been blessed with these happenings.  The few.  The lucky.  The someday it may happens.

For me, there are two types of PB's that I shall discuss. 

1.  The IT'S GO TIME MUTHA-F%$!*'S PB

This PB comes swiftly, like the sword of a well-trained knight from King of Thrones.  I can be eating something and know, by the tell-tell signs of tightness, that I am stuck.  THEN, a couple of things start to happen and they all have to do with my mouth/jaw. 

At the back of my jaw (this is the Magic School Bus explanation) I picture little pods of slobber.  When the IT'S GO TIME MUTHA-F%$!*'S PB starts a'coming, these pods start to tingle.  And they start to produce saliva.  Which in turn, I swallow.  And where does the slobber go?  It goes down my pipe and sits directly on whatever is stuck.  The backup of slobber it pretty rapid bc it's coming out of my pods at an alarming rate.  So within minutes of getting stuck, it's all coming back up.  FAST.  This is actually my preferred method of PBing, bc it's over quick and there is not usually subsequent PB's to remove more food debris.  HOWEVER, it's bad when you aren't anywhere NEAR a PB receptacle (aka. toilet, Ziploc baggie, trashcan).  This happened to me when Southern Belle and I were dining at the ever classy Rainforest Cafe in Chicago last fall.  It was chip induced and we were on the upper level.  The bathroom?  DOWNSTAIRS!  Result?  I threw up in my mouth and held it until I made it to the leau.

Oooh, this also happened to me that one time at MellowMushroom.  I had just eaten pizza and then someone bought us a shot of Patron.  Yeah. In hindsight, bad idea.  I made it to the bathroom but not to a stall.  I projectile slimed everywhere.  On the wall.  The rug.  Good times.

Now, the second PB:

2.  The WHAT IN THE HELL IS STUCK INSIDE ME pb.  This happens with things like meat.  Or bowtie pasta...which even though I don't have proof, I believe it is manufactured and shipped straight from Satan's kitchen.  This PB can take hours to end.  There are usually several rounds of this.  A lot of dry heaving.  Some praying.  Some bargaining with your God or Goddess about how if it will just come out, you will never eat it (whatever it is) again.  For me, these are loud affairs and I come out looking as though I have been crying/working out/slash breaking out in hives. This one is super unpleasant for social reasons because if you have to end up in a public restroom, most people in the stall next to you are probably assuming you have a touch of the bulimia. 

I have been tempted to come out of the stall and pat my belly and say "Wow, this first trimester is really hard".

So there you have it.  My PB summary. 

God speed.